MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OMG! One highlight from the conversation was when she said it wasn’t her fault that my dad was shielding and vulnerable. I would have thought as a nurse she would have had some empathy for people in ill health. i hadn't seen this post, and yes, THAT is nasty!

Most mother in law /older generation like good manners and to feel appreciated- I would just accept the text as clearing the air- try to remember the please and thank you’ - we all have to accept that it will be a much happier life for you and your husband if you all get on

At first I did think that it might be six of one and half a dozen of the other; but the MIL's nasty remark about the OP's father's illness is unforgivable, and suggests that she is acting out of jealousy of anything that competes with her being 'queen bee'.

@HairyAnon

Personally I think DP facetiming his mum every day is excessive.

You havent answered the question though: why do you go to theirs every week? Why dont you spend Sundays with your mum?

It is ridiculously excessive!

I noticed some mothers in laws get intense feelings of insecurity when their sons have their first child to a woman who they aren’t close to. Even if the lack of closeness is due to lack of effort on their part.

And I think they over compensate for it by trying to justify their resentment.. by basically trying to push the daughter in law to her limits so they can play a sob story to their sons about being victims and ignite their hero complex so they can feel reassured that he will be their saviour.

You might’ve forgotten your manners foe a split second OP. But your mother in law was waiting for this moment to unleash her baggage of insecurity without making herself sound overbearing. And so the issue is really with her not wirh you.

She feels insecure about her relationship with her son.. you are just an easy way for her to build bridges with her son by playing the victimhood cars.

Her message was designed to confirm things to herself. That she is indeed a victim of your rude abd impolite manners.. so that she can use that narrative in the future when she wants to get her way without being suspected of any bias.

There is nothing personal between you and her.
So stop trying to “be the bigger person” so desperately to a point of it looking like you are running for her approval. She knows you are trying to mend relationships with her and she is reveling in using that as a further stick to beat you with.

She needs to solve her issues with her son by herself.. and so, step back. Take your baby with you and step back.

If she doesn’t know how to form a secure bond with her son then let her not hold you responsible for her own failing.

Sounds like a rapidly escalating domestic abuse situation where OP is being bullied by DP & his entire family. Screw that shit. It will only get worse. Get out now while you can OP. Thank fuck you're not married. Don't give this woman a chance to become MIL for real.

That's not hating you, my now ex mil admitted once we had split up that she had never liked me & just put up with me so I would produce a child to carry on the family name. Joke is on her as ds is choosing to change his name to my maiden name when he is 18.

You hold a lot of power here, you are the mother of her grandchild. And you don't have to visit her at all if you don't want to ever again. And that means your baby wouldn't be spending much time if any with her, especially at this age.

It sounds as though your DH's family have had a set up to suit them, you fitting in with their lives every Sunday. It doesn't have to be like that if you aren't bumping along with them nicely.

It will be good to have a break. Make sure afterwards, any visits are on your terms. 'That doesn't work for me' is the new phrase you should be rolling out. Given that you now know your MIL thinks you are rude I wouldn't tip toe around anymore. You've played nice, went along with everyone else's wants, didn't work, now assert yourself, at least you will be living your own life.

I don't think her response was vitriolic but you are both over thinking this. Maybe your conversations will have cleared the air and if you go there less, things will be easier.

Good luck.

His mother sounds very rigid in her thinking - fault, blame and manners. These are all narcissistic traits.

The pandemic has isolated you from your family. They are your support structure. In your position, I would turn to them for help as your partner’s family has taken full advantage of the situation.

I am not sure I would have been ok for my newborn, who needed to stay 10 days in NICU, to be around lots of people during a pandemic. They have disrespected your boundaries in a number of ways and I would be having a real think about what you want now.

Hopefully your dad will have the vaccine soon - presuming he wants it - and you can be reunited with your parents. Take as much support from your parents or anyone else, who is supportive as you can in the meantime. The more you can turn to others, the less your in laws will be able to erase you.

I hope things now settle between you and your dp.

@MagicMojito

Why spend so much time with them? You don't seem to like them, they seem really judgemental towards you, why bother? Lifes too short imo 🤷‍♀️

Its perfectly possible for your dh and child to have a relationship with them whilst you keep a polite distance. Yes you may come across as a bit distant/rude but they think that already, may aswell make it easier on yourself and not have to spend time with them

Cut back to once every six weeks or so. If that.

Looks as if we won’t be spending as much time there in future so unless she apologises to me she can reflect on the reason she isn’t seeing her grandchild as much

Don't use your dc as a weapon in your relationship with her.

@KatherineJanewayim not using him at as a weapon but she needs to understand that actions have consequences. If her rudeness results in her seeing DS less then that’s her problem. DP can still take him round to see her but at the moment he doesn’t want to. I’m just not going to be facilitating these visits.

I’m just going to leave it now and see what happens. I think it’s just making me more upset

You've meekly gone along with what your Dp wants (including breaking the law on covid restrictions, in which you are entirely complicit) but it sounds like you've done it for the sake of an easy life. The problem with that is that, far from making things easier, you've now set an expectation in the minds of your inhales as to what routine will prevail. And despite being a Good Girl, the whole situation has blown up in your face anyway!
It all sounds quite dramatic (and that's not a criticism- I know only too easily how these things can escalate, especially when dealing with ignorant and entitled people like they are.) You need to defuse the current blow up but then take the opportunity to reset expectations. Lots of good advice on this thread. I can see you storing up a world of resentment for your partner if you don't get this situation resolved. Time to start enjoying your sundays again.

" DP can still take him round to see her but at the moment he doesn’t want to."

Wonder how long that will last?

You sound like you let other people dictate what you do op. Don't let other women trample all over you. Start being a bit firmer. Who would want to spend one day a week every week at in-laws?

There is no way I would spend a day every weekend with my in-laws - and mine sounds much nicer than yours. Tell your dh it’s too much, tell him you’re not going and will go maybe once a month max if DM in law can sort out her attitude. He can take dc if he wants.

@whitenoise123

DP can still take him round to see her but at the moment he doesn’t want to. I’m just not going to be facilitating these visits.

That's really good to hear. Just make sure they are aware of that, that it is your DP not making the effort so they cannot make you the 'villain'.

Either that or go and kill them with kindness! Be so OTT and saccharine sweet that it’s nauseatingly extreme.

This is what I was going to suggest. I used to have a very strained relationship with mil and the family in general. They were just very different people with very old fashioned views. I used to get ushered in to the damp, dark bedroom to breastfeed so as not to offend the males of the family - who quite frankly couldn't have cared less- that problem was definitely MIL. Everything I did with dd was remarked on all totally normal practice - they were the ones with really odd views and terrible diets. It used to really get my back up and I'd explain but then I decided it wasn't worth the stress. I finally realised that they were never going to change so I needed to, I became overly friendly, smiled sweetly, nodded and agreed with everything they said re child rearing, accepted they were going to feed my dc crap and it wouldn't kill them. They love me now and it's all much easier 😆

@WilsonMilson

There is no way I would spend a day every weekend with my in-laws - and mine sounds much nicer than yours. Tell your dh it’s too much, tell him you’re not going and will go maybe once a month max if DM in law can sort out her attitude. He can take dc if he wants.

I agree it's as if they are deliberately 'stealing' all of your free time I remember this kind of thing from my childhood in 70s and 80s, monthly pilgrimages to the grandparents, boring weekend sat in thier front rooms, the constant paying homage to the elders🙄 I just wanted to be out having fun with my friends, but both my parents seemed to be tied to their parent's apron strings

The problem with stopping going round is that you are confirming what they think about you. If you genuinely want a relationship with them you have to keep working on it and push past the current issues.

OP, I don't think your MIL hates you.

She was clearly pleased you messaged because it's given her a chance to get what was bothering her off her chest, and that is obviously that she feels you're consistently a bit rude. I think her message was possibly a bit harsh given you're a new mum; however, it's ultimately a good thing that she is opening up to you with her gripes. You should use this as an opportunity to get communication flowing, because this is what can improve relations between you.

I think there are two things to address: one, weekly visits are too much. I couldn't do it. Try to go once a fortnight, and let your DP go weekly if he wants to.

The second thing is, you are going to have to try a bit harder to do what she expects in terms of what you say and do in her home. I completely understand if you're not feeling full of confidence at the moment, but just make the effort to warmly greet them, thank them for everything they do and say goodbye. Once you get going on this, hopefully it will become second nature. Even if it feels a bit forced for now, she will be glad you're trying.

I wouldn't ignore her message, as that seems to be building up tension. I would reply with something like 'I'm very sorry if you feel I've been rude. That's not my intention and we are grateful for everything you do. I will make much more of an effort in future, and equally I'd really appreciate it if you could be understanding that I am a little tired and overwhelmed as a new mum.'

From her message it just sounds like you are rude to them and lack manners which is why she doesn’t make any effort.
Can’t exactly blame her if that’s true.

@ButterscotchWhip Please RTFT or at least the OP's posts. Things have escalated a lot since then.

[quote whitenoise123]@KatherineJanewayim not using him at as a weapon but she needs to understand that actions have consequences. If her rudeness results in her seeing DS less then that’s her problem. DP can still take him round to see her but at the moment he doesn’t want to. I’m just not going to be facilitating these visits.

I’m just going to leave it now and see what happens. I think it’s just making me more upset[/quote]
I honestly think this is a good outcome for now OP.

Leave it for now - no messages or phone calls or visits. If DP does decide he wants to go round there, make sure you do something nice for yourself, or he can go without baby and the two of you can visit other friends and family.

Some good news though is that me and DP are not seeing them for a while at least. I think it will be good for him to have a breather from her as well.

This is a great update. That text she sent was vile: no reasonable person would expect someone to ever feel comfortable in their home again after saying that. And I think that demonstrates how little she cares about your comfort, how little she cares about maintaining a good relationship with you.

It’s all on her terms, isn’t it? Pretty narc trait, that.

I haven’t RTFT so I don’t know if anyone else has suggested it but I’ve heard the book “Toxic In-laws” by Susan Forward has been helpful to many. You might want to have a look at it.