MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

My family over thank to a comical level. DHs family never thank each other (but are very polite to everyone else!). If I have cooked a meal, even if it is close family, I expect them to thank or at least make a nice comment about the food. My DHs family will just sit down and eat. I have had to teach my (normally very polite) DH that he must thank my DM for little things like making the tea because we all notice when he doesn't! He would argue that we all know each other so well that we don't need to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is families have different expectations and you have obviously fallen short of theirs. Just be a bit more aware of it. Being busy with a baby isn't a reason not to thank (although I have been known to thank a cash machine before!) You have to find a way to make this relationship work. Now she's sent this text you have to both move on.

I’ll tell you now OP don’t let these people walk on you. You sent a nice text and she replied like an anal nazi who thinks very highly of herself and crucially sees herself as above you.

Absolutely this, especially given she’s been rude on the phone just now.

In the nicest possible way, you’ve been a doormat, probably because you’ve been overwhelmed since having a sick baby. It’s time to start doing what you want to do at weekends. All day watching football would drive me batshit, I can barely manage 2 hours if there’s an important match on. That would stop immediately.

Your DP is enmeshed with his family: if he won’t retreat from this, you can. I would not be sending him round merrily with my baby. He needs to step up and be a proper dad, away from his mother’s apron strings,

In laws every Sunday? No thanks, knock that on the head. Your DP sounds a bit tied to her apron strings. His life is with you and the baby now. I think he needs to concentrate on his new family.Time to start making your own weekend traditions.

Just read more of the thread...she sounds a nightmare

Fuck them!

Your husband needs to be on your side!

If he is on his mothers, sadly things will always be like this....

Stop going every Sunday.
He can, the baby can.
You have a nice relaxing Sunday at home / meeting a friend etc

Dont go there every week to feel like shit

@whitenoise123

So I’ve spoken to DP tonight. He just said that his mum probably didn’t mean it to sound like it did. He just doesn’t seem able to stand up to her and tell her that that isn’t the way to treat the mother of his child. Looks as if we won’t be spending as much time there in future so unless she apologises to me she can reflect on the reason she isn’t seeing her grandchild as much

Enjoy the peace. Don't fall into the guilt trap. Speaking from experience over here, this is exactly how my mil started her campaign against me. Low level digs, pretending to be upset and hurt by my apparent rude behaviour (after she'd insulted me and I reacted by being distant). Honestly the harder I tried the worse it got, until I decided I couldn't listen to the mumbled insults and backhanded comments and just did what everyone on mumsnet says to do, call her out every time. I wasn't rude, I just shut each time down so she couldn't just carry on. Anyway she flipped her lid, screaming, shouting, I was the worst person in the entire world. Made up some drama about how I'd treated them like servants and was rude (I wasn't and because I was more assertive and confident in myself I just said that is tried to help, they'd refused and some everything and then claimed I'd made them do it. Long story, we no longer talk. 5 glorious years of peace. They now and then tell friends off the family how much they hate me and how everything is my fault but I know it's not.

Be confident in who you are and your choices op. 8pm with a 3mth old is far too late. Sitting at someone's house all day sounds bloody tedious let alone breaking the rules.
Let dp see them weekly, enjoy the break.

God it sounds painful. The overbearing mother putting food on people's plates without asking. Then expecting to be thanked for that.
She bought the wrong car seat because she didn't bother to ask first, and then expecting to be thanked for that.
Then everyone having to watch 'the Match' because the men must be allowed control of the TV. Because they are more important than women. Women are there to sit quietly and stare at the wall while 'the match' is on.

Done everything
Not some everything

Argh

She's so enmeshed with her son that she cant bear not being number one woman in his life...she wants to be his 'significant other' not you!
She sought to maintain her dominance by controlling and denigrating you OP.
Mummies boy cant stand up to the old battle axe so he's taking his stress out on you instead.
What a hero...not.
Maybe insult & wind her up so much that she refuses to speak to you ever again?
Job done:o

Anyway she flipped her lid, screaming, shouting
hehe way to go HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear
high five!!

I’m (much!) older than you OP. Honestly sometimes it helps to tell yourself that sometimes, just sometimes, you AREN’T the problem. That said, think what you’d rather do on a Sunday? Do that.

Politeness' has since time immemorial been a smoke screen for moulding people - women in particular - into subservience as demanded by the social system.

Slow claps , I love this

*DH, I don’t enjoy watching football on the weekend. So you can go do that alone. I feel pushed out as it’s not a very inclusive activity. You need to try include me more”.

The real problem is him.

She’s an idiot. Stop going every week. Shortern the time you are there. Be polite but don’t kill yourself over it.

Most mother in law /older generation like good manners and to feel appreciated- I would just accept the text as clearing the air- try to remember the please and thank you’ - we all have to accept that it will be a much happier life for you and your husband if you all get on, your husband will feel torn as he loves you both- think of how much help in laws can be with child care and giving you a few hours off,I used to really appreciate that, play the game, take mother in law to one side, apologise , blame it on hormones , being a new mother and stress- deep down she will love you for it and it will enhance your relationship with your husband so you can truly enjoy your baby, best wishes

Ah Lennie, if only life were that simple and I were off my head on subservient psychotics

Lennie 😂😂😂😂. Have you joined us from 1923.

These are two adult women. The tone of the mil’S text message was appalling. These are two adult women - equals - trying to find their rythem in a relationship.

Yes everyone should be polite and respectful - it has nothing to do with age.

Sorry OP but I have to agree with others who have said you don't exactly come across as entirely innocent in all this!

Your MIL seems to have picked up on your rudeness; even if you're not a fan of her it wouldn't kill you to be polite. Both my SILs are rude, one more than the other, and it doesn't go unnoticed. I wish my mum had the backbone to call them out on it like your MIL has.

Either stop going, or slap a smile on and be civil for the sake of your partner and baby. Remember, manners cost nothing.

Oh dear. This is getting worse.
I'm afraid that as the daughter-in-law you really do need to be the one making the effort to break down the barriers. They may or may not be intending to be rude, but even so you have the power to make or break this situation by winning them over. My in-laws were absolutely different from me, but I made an effort to share things they liked, like cooking, even when I was bored stiff and pretending to learn something new. And in the end they really did love me like a daughter.
You possibly also have a slight case of first-child-syndrome, which I was absolutely guilty of myself and can laugh at it now but at the time I was so precious I wanted everything done my way and couldn't bear any 'interference'.
If they want you to come round once a week and stay for meals they can't dislike you that much! It's just not worth the upset to the relationship between you and your husband to get offended and stand-offish with your MIL, think of the benefits to your child if you can learn to be friends. Kill her with kindness, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar etc etc.

you have the power to make or break this situation by winning them over.

That is simply not true.

Oh ffs, do not allow your boyfriend to treat you like this, his shitty mother is of no concern to you. You’re young, focus on standing up for your infant, yourself, and do not allow anyone to treat you like how your boyfriend and his relatives have chosen to.

Just to update everyone. So I spoke to her earlier and it did just make me more angry. One highlight from the conversation was when she said it wasn’t her fault that my dad was shielding and vulnerable. I would have thought as a nurse she would have had some empathy for people in ill health.

Some good news though is that me and DP are not seeing them for a while at least. I think it will be good for him to have a breather from her as well

What did she say?
What did you say??
Why is he angry???

So many unanswered questions!!!!!

Seriously though, good on you as boundaries are important and this is clearly tricky. I do think its worth trying to find the balance between asserting yourself and keepinbg the peace as you'll be dealing with her for several more years most likely.
You do need to get your DP on side and seeing sense though. Getting angry at you is not an appropriate response.

Well, you did ask, so you can't complain that you got an answer. I would take it more as oversensitivity and touchiness on their part, plus having forgotten what it's like to deal with a small baby's needs and demands, rather than hatred. But their lecturing an adult about how 'it costs nothing to be civil' is pretty uncivil in itself. I would reply politely by saying that you certainly appreciate everything that they do, and have never intended to be rude or unfriendly, but that sometimes you are very distracted by the baby's urgent needs, and to please not take it personally. Say that you will try to be more conscious in the future about not coming across as snippy, but you would appreciate their tolerance in the early months of parenthood. If they are basically decent but oversensitive people, then this should work. If not, they you may have to accept that they are impolite, and decide how much time you wish to spend with them.

What a very childish thing for her to say. “Well, it’s not my fault...”

She sounds like she has issues. I don’t see how you’ll ever been able to connect with someone like this. If limit interactions and just be pleasant.

(Unless she’s just gone mad due to covid and it’s temporary).