MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

If that was me I'd tell her straight that I find football incredibly tedious and I dont want to spend a whole Sunday watching it. And I'd also be telling her I dont like being spoken to like a 5 year old. I really would. I wouldn't hold back.

So have you been doing the ‘child under 1 bubble’ thing with his family? Given you haven’t been able to see your mum, could you use that as an excuse to have a break from seeing them - saying you want to form a bubble with your mum for a while?

How far away do you live from them?
If it’s practical I would agree to visit for a set amount of time, no longer unless it’s a holiday and let him stay longer if he likes while you and the baby go home. (But I enjoy time alone. If you don’t then this isn’t a good idea.) I’d make it clear I’m not going to sit around idle while everyone watches football.

If they are so stuffy that you can’t read a book or somehow entertain yourself, then I wouldn’t go on football days at all.

It is absolutely ridiculous for you to be expected to just sit there while they do something they enjoy. Ask him if he’d like to be compelled to sit around doing nothing while a bunch of women knit.

You aren’t a child and now have one of your own. Do not allow them to treat you as if you are less important than anyone else there.

I think focus less on your MIL and more on your DP as he is the problem. Telling her to be a bit nicer because of what you have been through is the same as saying oh can you try being friendly, you know how sensitive x is. It puts all the blame on your shoulders "because of what you have been through". It doesn't back you up at all. If your DP doesn't have your back MIL will know it and her behaviour will get worse. She will only stop when he makes it clear that her behaviour is not appropriate.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

So I assume you extend that permission to be rude to the OP’s MIL whom is also a woman?

Just spoken to MIL on the phone. She was rude but just had enough of her now so I’m not really bothered. DP is very angry with me now

Why is DP angry with you OP? What did MIL say?

What did she say?

It sounds like she is treating you like a child. A bit of time apart might be a good thing.

But her son needs to be on your side.

Why is your DP angry with YOU?

The first message she sent you was incredibly high handed and snotty. Your original message to her was open, heartfelt, honest and humble, and you were treated to her snotty, critical lecture.

Also your DP should never have instigated a phonecall from his mother to you to 'clear the air' without your agreement beforehand.

Can you go to your Mum's for a few days? Get some TLC and peace?

Who rang? Did she ring you after dh text? Why is dh angry. You need a break from all of this

Why is he 'very angry' with you now?! He sounds horrible.

So I assume you extend that permission to be rude to the OP’s MIL whom is also a woman?

@Helendee, who needs permission from me? It's not necessary to hand over that amount of power to someone.

What I said in my post was: 'There are occasions where rudeness really is under good regulation'. Key word: occasions. That isn't a suggestion that it's a great idea to go around giving the finger to everyone you meet. Or, for that matter, treating your DiL like a recalcitrant schoolkid and issuing rude, imperious rebukes to someone who's just had the goodwill and generosity to tell her she is sorry.

'Politeness' has since time immemorial been a smoke screen for moulding people - women in particular - into subservience as demanded by the social system. Do I give my gracious 'permission' to give the metaphorical finger to that sort of nonsense? Absolutely. Overbearing mothers in law not excepted.

OP,

I'm very sorry but he is showing you clearly who he is.

He sounds like a bully.
You sound bullied.
You have a family that support you.
Don't hesitate to go to your family if he is unpleasant and shouts you down, as he has established form for doing.

You mind yourself.
Neither your partner or his awful mother sound like good people.

Bullying a very new mother who has had a tough time.

Toxic. Much.🙄

I'm not sure this thread is helping you. You've been posting about this all day and it sounds like 'the advice' is creating more and more drama in your 'RL'. Perhaps it would be better to spend tonight with your DP and baby, and not with MNers.

I predicted this. OP, please read my posts or you'll get sucked into to a drama vortex a very vulnerable time for you and your baby.

And for all those surprised the DP is angry, read my posts too. Stirring up righteous indignation in the OP is cure or kill approach and she's vulnerable. A bit of sane distancing might be more in her best interests.

Unless you tell us what tonight’s conversation consisted of nine of us are in a position to offer any further advice really.

Enjoy Christmas as a family of 3, a quiet time and see your Mum for a nice walk!!
Your MIL will not see the baby... at 4m old the baby will not care!!

Just spoken to MIL on the phone. She was rude but just had enough of her now so I’m not really bothered. DP is very angry with me now.

Speaking to her was probably not a good idea, OP. This is only escalating further and engaging with this behaviour isn't having the desired effect of taking the heat out but is only achieving the opposite.

I'd suggest stepping back from this now and letting things cool down. Stop replying to texts and calls, and let DH handle his own high-handed mother.

Unfortunately, when you start to assert your boundaries you can expect hard pushback to start with. The person recognises what's going on and pulls out all the stops to get you to continue with the same behaviour as they were before. The only safe response to this is not to respond at all.

I'd strongly recommend getting hold of a copy of Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws and giving this a careful study. Keep referring to it later as a self-help manual; it's well worth the investment.

Your DH is unfortunately mired deep within the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. He and his mother already seem to have perfected their dance of control and capitulation, and unfortunately this isn't the sort of conditioned behaviour he can break out of overnight. I'd suggest relationship counselling would be a good idea.

Take a breather from them, step back, and regroup. You have a young child to care for and have the right to prioritise her needs and your own health. Commiserations OP; she sounds a perfect horror.

Dreadful behaviour from mil, stirring up shit in her sons marriage, especially as a new baby on the scene

Please take care of you and leave the bloody texting and phoning alone.

@Helendee

Unless you tell us what tonight’s conversation consisted of nine of us are in a position to offer any further advice really.

No-one on here can help. Who on earth would recommend spending all day posting nearly 40 posts; sending texts to MIL; confronting a DP and then having a showdown by phone ... plus looking after a new baby? This isn't supposed to be a soap opera.

Your MIL sounds like a proper cow! Giving you a lecture after you’d been polite enough to text sorry if you seemed abrupt. I’m surprised so many PPs support her. I’m more MIL age than DIL age, and I appreciate good manners,and I think her reply was shocking.

Also, she is a bad influence on your partner, who should not be such a mummy’s boy now he has a DP and child.

I really am quite disgusted that your ILs encouraged you to break lockdown — that shows no concern for others or for the law. Watching hours of sport when they have visitors is pretty poor too.

So I doubt if it’s you that’s lacking politeness, OP.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had

Perils of marrying a mummy's boy who still has the apron strings around his neck. He won't be unaware of his mum's coldness towards you, he doesn't care and won't address it. He was quick to notice you (apparently) didn't day goodbye though.

The set-up must be visible before marriage. I fail to see how or why anyone wants to marry these types.

But since you have, OP - You need to be assertive. Look up some tips if you don't know how. Stop going. Stay at home, your DP can go with baby. If he insists you go, say No and tell him exactly why. Calmly, and firmly.

If his family don't like you then let them do without your presence. Don't be browbeaten - You're not here to bend yourself out of shape desperately hoping to make people like you. & She's not your Mum. You have your baby to take care of so, focus on that.