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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
MAK93 · 07/12/2020 20:10

So he’ll call you out in being ‘rude’ but not point blank tell his mother that her text message was rude & uncalled for. I feel bad for you because you must feel pretty crappy about it! Especially the Christmas situation because you should be allowed to enjoy your Christmas with your baby, without feeling awkward or on best behaviour! I hope it doesn’t get to you too much though, it’ll probably get easier 🤞🏻 Plus you have a lovely son & DP who is great 99.9% of the time 😅

WhiskersPete · 07/12/2020 20:11

You have a massive DP problem. Massive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 20:11

*as you're told, not your - typo

nitsandwormsdodger · 07/12/2020 20:14

" I'm really sorry I have appeared Rude and forgotten my manners, I agree politeness is really important I have been focused on the baby rather than actually being ungrateful, it won't happen again. It does explain why I was feeling the cold shoulder since baby was born . am not confident and feel ..........,, when I'm with you I feel ....... I really want baby to have a close relationship with you so I Hope now we have cleared the air we can both do things to move the relationship to a warmer place xx"

JuicyMumma63 · 07/12/2020 20:16

Calm down, the pair of you!

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 20:16

Just confronted DP about why he hasn’t stood up for me and he’s shown me the message he has sent her. He told her to treat me a bit better as I’ve been through a lot. At least I’m getting somewhere with him!

OP posts:
strugglingtomakesenseofitall · 07/12/2020 20:17

I feel really sad reading all this, you have a tiny baby and your partner doesn't have your back and is letting his mum criticise you. It also seems like you felt you had to go along with putting yourself and baby at risk during lockdown? Your husband is older than you and seems not to respect your opinion or as his partner who has just given birth to his child. Your voice simply isn't being heard, you need to have a serious assertive conversation with your partner when you're ready, and tell him to knock of the intrusive video calling every night. When do you actually spend any time just the three of you? You must be lonely and tired right now.

KARANfromthepta · 07/12/2020 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kalula · 07/12/2020 20:18

OP if your DP cannot stand up to his mother to protect you or his child, do you really believe there is much of a future with him? I am glad you're not going to be going around there, but he simply does not seem to want to step up to the plate as a partner and as a father. He sounds completely unsupportive and useless to me. Forget the MIL for a second, you have a DP problem who has proven he will not defend you and have your back. Even his response to you tonight is pathetic and shamefully inadequate.

Kalula · 07/12/2020 20:23

He should be reading his mother the riot act for her disgusting treatment of you, not telling her to treat you 'a bit better'. Wtf???! A 'bit better'? Angry I'd feel almost like shoving the phone up his arse.

His text to his mother is absolutely pathetic, OP. Absolutely pathetic.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/12/2020 20:24

Are you saying that you are always 100% polite and courteous as a priority above all else, all the time?

And the poster to whom that was addressed interestingly answered 'yes'. That shows the problem as women's socially conditioning to think precisely like this. You've only got to read the number of threads around here titled 'I said/did such-a-thing - was I rude?' to see the kind of anxiety this generates. Be nice. Be kind. Always be polite. Adopt the nurturer's role. Do wife work. Above all, never be seen as selfish or rude. This shit really does call to mind Virginia Woolf's 90-year-old treatise - sarcastic of course - of the expected code of behaviour for the angel in the house. A century later and we're still buying into it. The constant dripfeeding of this same old ideological crap is everywhere, every day, incessantly reiterated from cradle to grave.

I say to fuck with that. There are occasions where rudeness really is under good regulation. There's no rule to say that the fact your in-laws share DNA with your kids gives them a free pass to walk over you for the rest of your life. There's also no rule to say that someone else's rigid definitions of what good manners entail are universally correct. Pigheadedness is rudeness in itself.

Women need to chuck away that well-worn dogma that the sky will fall in if anything they do is perceived, correctly or otherwise, as rude. It really won't.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 20:24

I think the text he sent her is good progress

beavisandbutthead · 07/12/2020 20:31

She isnt nice, couldnt be arsed picking up the phone and speaking to you but hides behind her phone to tap away a message about your manners. When what she should have been writing was ' are you ok' you seemed quiet tonight, was baby a bit fractious. Let me know if I can help. She isnt on your side and is down right nasty. Tell your OH your spending more time with your own family who dont judge you and dont bother engaging in apologetic messages as she will be sat feeling validated

davekim · 07/12/2020 20:31

@whitenoise123

Just confronted DP about why he hasn’t stood up for me and he’s shown me the message he has sent her. He told her to treat me a bit better as I’ve been through a lot. At least I’m getting somewhere with him!
Good. Its baby steps sometimes with our MIL.

I remember when my first DC was born, my MIL basically excluded me and DH & FIL asked her to be more considerate of my feelings. She then took it as 'Davekim doesn't want me to do...' sigh

But I certainly wouldn't have wanted DH to have handled it any differently. 11 years later we are quite distanced from them, but when we see each other it is always polite. PIL have a low contact relationship with DC, but that is due to their lack of participation, not ours.

But as long as the rare occasions we are together, everyone is happy for DC, that is all DH & I care about. Low maintenance and no drama.

overoptimism · 07/12/2020 20:34

She's going to be deeply hurt when all she has tried to do is include the OP and now the OP will be accused of causing further hurt and trying to divide mother and son etc etc.

I doubt the DP will have the maturity to deal with it well. Give his mother half an hour expressing her hurt and he may share her anger (that's what it will be - anger).

Very much hope to be wrong.

OP, I think there are probably deep seated issues here that are not going to go away quickly and the problem is not you. There is probably no way you could handle this 'right' and in a sense, your people-pleasing sweetness is the reason why you've been picked for this role. Having your own child often brings this scenario to a crisis point. I don't think it helps to apologise to someone like your MIL because they respond the way she has done, assuming that it's a sign you're taking up the bottom rung in a power dynamic and can be manipulated by shame. Standing up for yourself won't help much either if your MIL is able to use this to villify you to your DP - you might win the battle but you lose the war.

If this keeps going south, rather than getting into a tug of war, I would invest in marriage counselling over Zoom asap. If he says all the right things but doesn't seem to follow through, don't be surprised. He's been conditioned to say all the right things. He may not actually realise what they would mean.

Seeing you as a person in your own right, and MIL as a person who needs to observe boundaries just like anyone else, will take time. A marriage counsellor might be able to help him see what it is acceptable to ask of people, what it means to protect an intimate space in a relationship, and how unreasonable it is to prioritise one side of the family over another.

Suitsme · 07/12/2020 20:34

I’m only 24 so I think they see me as a child as well who doesn’t get a say in things

Well, you a 24 year old parent now, and they should respect your wishes, especially with decisions lile the car seat.

Barbie222 · 07/12/2020 20:34

I think the truth will be somewhere in the middle here. If you don't routinely say please and thank you or do other things that annoy eg interrupt, hijack conversations, show no interest in an existing family narrative or make no effort to add yourself to the community, you might feel like you aren't doing anything wrong, but to them you will look like just window dressing and you maybe aren't very good at hiding the fact that you don't need them and they're boring. Lots of people don't realise how they come across and maybe you have been a bit like this. I agree the solution is to see them less, as it's difficult to change peoples opinions once they're entrenched.

Littlemissnutcracker · 07/12/2020 20:39

I'm so glad dh sent that. Maybe this was needed to break this horrible routine.

Honeyroar · 07/12/2020 20:41

I think your oh is just going to take the side of whoever is making the most fuss. He’s going to have a shock if you’re both standing up for yourselves- he won’t know which way to turn!

Sewsosew · 07/12/2020 20:43

Does DH have to say thank you for everything all the time or is he excluded as family (and she’s not).
Problem is if you are always treated like a guest/outsider, that’s what you will always be.

Figgygal · 07/12/2020 20:46

Tell your dh to grow up
And start following covid guidelines for goodness sake

overoptimism · 07/12/2020 20:46

And OP, I doubt that you've been spending all that time with the inlaws purely because MIL wants it. I strongly suspect your DP needs that connection and will struggle without it - and you will be easy to blame as the reason for his angst. I would avoid becoming the target for that by emphasising that you aren't interested in coming between anyone else in their relationships, you've just learned to be more assertive recently following your experiences. (And this would be a great thing to go ahead and actually do - there are lots of good books!!!).

Your MIL will probably claim that a mountain has been made out of a mole hill etc etc - try to be the voice of reason as she will need to keep this toxic drama going for as long as it takes to gain enough traction to come out of it with the upper hand. If I were you, I'd be pleasant and refuse to engage with all the catastrophising, just stick to my guns where necessary and emphasise that while I'm not available for conflict, I also plan to become more assertive following a bit of reflection.

But I don't know how well any of that really works when you're dealing with codependency - you can only do what you can do, and look after you, and parent your child as they deserve (rear facing car seat and all) and act reasonably according to your own lights. You can't make anyone else's decisions for them and how this resolves is not ultimately up to you.

I would let your DP know that you're not against him, that you have his back and care about him. If he's up against his mother for the first time in his life, there will be a part of him that's rather alarmed.

5zeds · 07/12/2020 20:47

How many hours do you get a week as a family? What percentage are you spending on this visit? It’s a HUGE give that isn’t benefiting anyone.

Dashel · 07/12/2020 20:57

@whitenoise123

Just confronted DP about why he hasn’t stood up for me and he’s shown me the message he has sent her. He told her to treat me a bit better as I’ve been through a lot. At least I’m getting somewhere with him!
He needs to be treating you better too! Not just sat there watching football whilst you are bored stupid and you need to agree no more watching sports you aren’t interested in all weekend.
AliceMck · 07/12/2020 21:06

It sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings and put some space between his parents and his new family. Obviously it’s important to not to cut your in-laws off but you need to start putting your foot down. Once a month would be more than enough. If DH wants to go more often, let him take DC & you have some alone time, maybe see friends or pamper yourself.

Dose DH know how uncomfortable you are there? If so what has he said?

People don’t realise that just because they get in with their own parents and think they are great it dosnt mean everyone else dose.