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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
HappyDays10101 · 07/12/2020 18:45

I think you hit an important point with your inference that my family/parents do things differently. I wasn’t raised in a football-watching family. When my parents have people over we visit and talk about topics of interest to everyone. We are a bit more laid back with people who have joined our family. So we don’t expect my sister-in-law to behave like a guest and say thank you for each small thing. But we do make sure she feels welcome and knows she is part of the family. We notice when she’s bored, uncomfortable or tired and give her leeway when she’s dealing with the baby

Absolute perfection 👌

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2020 18:46

[quote littlejalapeno]@BIWI

So you are 3month post partum, 3 months post c section, getting fussy daughter into car, and you priority is making sure your mil feels acknowledged and thanked and like you’ve been sufficiently polite, over your own child’s needs and welfare?

In that situation, being overly polite to you mil is more important that a baby’s needs or your own?

That mil sees you as polite before they see you as a human being under pressure, is the priority?

Just checking that’s what you mean?[/quote]
There's no need to be overly polite. If op is struggling that much post c section her husband should be putting baby in the car leaving op able to call out the word "thanks for dinner"

littlejalapeno · 07/12/2020 18:53

@SleepingStandingUp

Yes that was my point exactly

billy1966 · 07/12/2020 18:54

@HappyDays10101

I think you hit an important point with your inference that my family/parents do things differently. I wasn’t raised in a football-watching family. When my parents have people over we visit and talk about topics of interest to everyone. We are a bit more laid back with people who have joined our family. So we don’t expect my sister-in-law to behave like a guest and say thank you for each small thing. But we do make sure she feels welcome and knows she is part of the family. We notice when she’s bored, uncomfortable or tired and give her leeway when she’s dealing with the baby

Absolute perfection 👌

I think this is excellent.

You need to massively pull back and set your partner straight.

He thinks his mother has every right to be rude and unpleasant to the mother of his child.
🙄

dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf · 07/12/2020 19:02

OP, ask them directly to give examples of your bad manners. You can do it politely - say you're sorry that she finds you uncivil and bad mannered and you would like to understand what about your behaviour recently has made her feel this way. Don't accept a wishy-washy answer like 'well we always do so much and xyz...'. Get it direct. Find out what's going on here. Use your judgement to see if there's something in it. If you think she's being unreasonable, tell her. Don't apologise for any behaviour that you think is reasonable. And don't be afraid to rock the boat. Use it as practice for the rest of your life, because DP sure as hell isn't going to stand up to her.

randomer · 07/12/2020 19:05

I think (unless I am very much mistaken) it is the woman who has carried a child in her stomach for nine months,given birth,experienced trauma, had major abdominal surgery and is possibly breast feeding?? The man has pigged out in front of the telly with Mum and Dad.Therefore he should be in charge of car seats,family encounters and so on.Its called pulling your weight.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/12/2020 19:25

The problem is Op, none of us really know how you behave with them. For all we know you could be rude, impolite, surly, ungrateful etc.
We’re really only hearing your side of it.

Honeyroar · 07/12/2020 19:33

I don’t think you should get into a big row with the in laws. Your main issue is your OH who is as bad as them! Worse in fact because he doesn’t support you, expects you to be bored visiting every weekend with a new baby, and is already sounding a bit sulky/passive aggressive when he said you both just wouldn’t go. Tell him you don’t mind going every two or three weeks, but you won’t be going at all if you get replies like that to an apology. Tell him your little family takes precedence- and you want to go out for walks with your baby or see your own mother some weekends, and tell him you don’t feel comfortable breaking Covid rules with your young baby. Be firm without fighting. Be the mature one.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 19:37

So I’ve spoken to DP tonight. He just said that his mum probably didn’t mean it to sound like it did. He just doesn’t seem able to stand up to her and tell her that that isn’t the way to treat the mother of his child. Looks as if we won’t be spending as much time there in future so unless she apologises to me she can reflect on the reason she isn’t seeing her grandchild as much

OP posts:
SnowmanDrinkingSnowballs · 07/12/2020 19:39

Fantastic news OP, try to enjoy a bit of family time this Sunday.

Cocolapew · 07/12/2020 19:40

Why are people saying the op was rude not to say bye when it's in her opening post that she did?
You do have a DP problem but also still have an in-law problem.

Namerchanger42 · 07/12/2020 19:41

That’s good - well done 👍🏻

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 19:48

DP has just told me that he has messaged his mum to call me to clear the air. Oh god

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/12/2020 19:48

Good for you OP.
Well done.

Please don't give up your job, keep your financial independence.

Men that can't stand up to their mother's are often not the most reliable when push comes to shove.

Protect yourself.Flowers

Cocolapew · 07/12/2020 19:56

Tell him to fuck off you're not a child that needs managed

Quacks2020 · 07/12/2020 19:56

I wouldn't be happy with her response.
If she wanted to clear the air she could have said something more along the lines of "Thank you for your apology, we always try and make you feel welcome here and hope you enjoy your time here".
More subtle and friendly not so blunt.
I have a young baby and have also jumped in the car when baby is crying to settle them quickly and realised I hadn't said bye.
Manners are very important and even though my MIL is the worst person ever I always am polite and say thank you.
I also see her every Sunday but only for 1 hour. Ruins my weekend every time, but I cant complain for a hour I suppose.
No way could I do a day of it.
Maybe message her back saying "I was referring to this occasion only, I feel I'm more than polite to you, and no I do not feel comfortable, maybe we could all make more of an effort"

Honeyroar · 07/12/2020 19:59

Tell your OP he needs to clear the air himself and he needs to ask you whether you would be ok if his mum rang before he sends messages like that.

5zeds · 07/12/2020 19:59

Let her talk on the phone. Be quiet and listen hard to what she says. Sunday’s watching football and snacking sounds utterly dire so do it much less regularly. Plan fun things with people YOU like and start building the life you want for your family.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 20:00

I do hope her version of clearing the air doesnt involve criticising you and telling you off again. Angry

Quacks2020 · 07/12/2020 20:03

It bothers me so much that your partner believes you warrant such a response from her. I honestly can relate to your messages so much.
I also can come across as rude, and I am embarrassed for myself because it's purely awkwardness and being very shy. The more uncomfortable I am the ruder I seem. But it's really just awkwardness

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 20:04

@JohannaSpyri that’s what I am worried about but I don’t think she will actually call. I think she was being a bit of a keyboard warrior with the message she sent me. I doubt she would be that brave to my face or over the phone

OP posts:
Airyfairymarybeary · 07/12/2020 20:07

YABU for breaking lock down rules. Why are you so special??

KARANfromthepta · 07/12/2020 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2020 20:09

Your husband sounds like a dick who thinks you should do as your told and not make a fuss, ever. Even when it's about your own mental health or your child's safety.

You don't seem to be understanding how unhealthy your dynamic is. It's clear even from how much you allow him to make decisions and defer to him. "DH says" "I'll ask DH what to do" "DH doesn't like talking about things" "DH has said..."

You're a grown woman and a mother, you have just as much right to an opinion as the other adults in your life.

GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 20:10

Well done OP. And your family sounds great.