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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/12/2020 17:14

But you aren't always polite and courteous, are you? You didn't say goodbye and rarely say thank you.

littlejalapeno · 07/12/2020 17:22

@BIWI

Are you saying that you are always 100% polite and courteous as a priority above all else, all the time?

randomer · 07/12/2020 17:23

WHAT,you had an emergency section.ie major abdominal surgery and you have a newborn and we are in the dead if winter in a Pandemic. JUST AVOID this toxic woman.

BIWI · 07/12/2020 17:24

[quote littlejalapeno]@BIWI

Are you saying that you are always 100% polite and courteous as a priority above all else, all the time?[/quote]
Yes. It's not hard, is it?

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 17:27

@BIWI

But you aren't always polite and courteous, are you? You didn't say goodbye and rarely say thank you.
OP says MIL thought she did not say goodbye, but she did. It’s in the OP.
littlejalapeno · 07/12/2020 17:28

@BIWI

So you are 3month post partum, 3 months post c section, getting fussy daughter into car, and you priority is making sure your mil feels acknowledged and thanked and like you’ve been sufficiently polite, over your own child’s needs and welfare?

In that situation, being overly polite to you mil is more important that a baby’s needs or your own?

That mil sees you as polite before they see you as a human being under pressure, is the priority?

Just checking that’s what you mean?

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 17:28

@whitenoise123

I’m just not going to reply to her at all. I sent a nice polite message and got nothing but vitriol back. If she wants to have a relationship with her grandchild then I’m fine with that, she just needs to treat his mother with some respect first
wise choice, any reply will just feed and validate her, giving her more ammunition to use against you. I'd ignore the message completely, if she mentions it brush it off and act like you cant remember it...or at least what it said trivialize and dismiss her just like she did you!
CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 17:29

It’s interesting, my late Mum (while not encouraging bad manners) always felt that excessive politeness was actually standoffish and it was those who were able to relax and not be on best behaviour who felt truly part of the family.

BIWI · 07/12/2020 17:32

You can deal with the baby and be polite. They're not mutually exclusive! Goodness sake Hmm

And it's not about "excessive" politeness. It's just common courtesy to say a simple please/thank you/hello/goodbye. Not really quite sure why that seems so controversial Grin

littlejalapeno · 07/12/2020 17:35

@BIWI

Question avoided I see. Grin

Except the OP said she did say bye and thanks and it wasn’t acknowledged and then MIL threw her teddies out the pram saying she hadn’t been polite enough.

I didn’t find your message to the OP that polite, so perhaps you should be less smug about how polite you think you are?

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 17:36

@BIWI

You can deal with the baby and be polite. They're not mutually exclusive! Goodness sake Hmm

And it's not about "excessive" politeness. It's just common courtesy to say a simple please/thank you/hello/goodbye. Not really quite sure why that seems so controversial Grin

So you think OP is lying when she said that she did say goodbye, and that she is always polite?
SnackSizeRaisin · 07/12/2020 17:36

They sound rude and awful. There's no way I would go round every sunday, waste the entire day watching TV , breaking lockdown rules, and then put up with texts like that. Your text was extremely gracious. Their reply should have either "don't worry about it look forward to seeing you soon".

I think you should reduce the visits to the extent that you feel able to maintain politeness. That way you can maintain your dignity. For me that would probably be an hour every month. Reducing further unless they start making an effort with you.

As for interference with parenting, be very straight with them and make sure your DP supports you.

"Thanks for the thought with the car seat, but the one you've chosen is not safe enough so we won't be able to use it." End of discussion.

Coffeeandcocopops · 07/12/2020 17:39

@HairyAnon

Personally I think DP facetiming his mum every day is excessive.

You havent answered the question though: why do you go to theirs every week? Why dont you spend Sundays with your mum?

Oh why is that excessive? I use to talk to my mum everyday. My friends talk to their uni kids everyday.
BluebellsGreenbells · 07/12/2020 17:46

Pap when you speak to your DH tonight, keep the terms about yourself

I feel,
I’d like,
I would prefer

Rather than point the finger at his mother.

I don’t like sitting there all day watching football
I would prefer to be home so I can rest and get jobs done, get child settled
I would like to be home every other Sunday or pop in for a few hours
You can do what ever suits you

Stop making it about his mother and he’ll be more receptive to suggestions

Sarahandduck18 · 07/12/2020 17:50

Can you just go every fortnight and have DP take DS on his own on alternate weeks?

randomer · 07/12/2020 17:50

Is she Hyasinth Bouquet?

EKGEMS · 07/12/2020 17:51

I suggest you two go to marriage counseling-he's a mama's boy and some of your responses come across as immature and robotic. You're 24 and you're a married mother for goodness sakes!

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 17:59

My friends talk to their uni kids everyday
Bloody hell. My parents were lucky to get a call once a week. And I loved them and enjoyed their company immensely. Your friend’ s “uni kids” sound immature and ridiculous and are clearly not enjoying University enough- probably because the other students take the piss out of them behind their backs.

HTH1 · 07/12/2020 17:59

They do seem to see you as a child and your DP isn’t backing you up. If MIL had any grace, she would have been grateful for your apology rather than replying like that!

Personally, I would think about moving too far away for these constant unwanted visits.

reader12 · 07/12/2020 18:06

OP you and DP went through major trauma with a baby in hospital for 10 days after birth and it was so recent. Everyone around you should be cutting you a lot of slack!

But it’s up to you how you spend your time and what you do with it, you really must find a way to stand up for yourself that’s assertive and also polite. If you’re there every week and don't want to be, you probably do end up coming across as rude. But it’s completely unreasonable for anyone to demand that you spend hours every Sunday watching football & talking about football if you’re not interested in it. It’s an arrangement that would bring out the moody teenager in anyone! You need to establish now with everyone that you’re happy to see them and go for walks with them but don’t want to spend all afternoon watching TV. It’s not reasonable to make you stay till 8 with a tiny baby. Just politely but firmly put your foot down and stand up for yourself.

Chloemol · 07/12/2020 18:06

Stop going

Respond by telling them that you don’t feel they have made you feel we,plcome, that you find weekly visits to much when they obviously don’t like you, so you won’t be coming anymore

It’s as simple as that, your DP can take the child to see them

IEat · 07/12/2020 18:14

You corrupted her son of course she hates you. You had sex with her son and created a beautiful baby of course she hates you.
She isn't number 1 anymore of course she hates you.
Grin and bear it or tell her to piss off. She might Mellow in 30 years

HannaYeah · 07/12/2020 18:38

Still thinking of fantasy responses:

“I think you hit an important point with your inference that my family/parents do things differently. I wasn’t raised in a football-watching family. When my parents have people over we visit and talk about topics of interest to everyone. We are a bit more laid back with people who have joined our family. So we don’t expect my sister-in-law to behave like a guest and say thank you for each small thing. But we do make sure she feels welcome and knows she is part of the family. We notice when she’s bored, uncomfortable or tired and give her leeway when she’s dealing with the baby.”

randomer · 07/12/2020 18:39

I think I am right is saying ,in some societies,the bew Mum is revered, pampered, valued.What a shower of shit we are in this culture.A young woman,survives trauma,is pumped full of drugs,cares for a new born (in a bloody pandemic) and MIL is in a strop about ' being grateful'

beavisandbutthead · 07/12/2020 18:45

It sounds as if MIL is looking for excuses to dislike you. Your being treated like a DC, say please and thank you? We are pretty relaxed with the ILs and dont spend my time saying please and thank you. Do you fancy a glass of wine...ooh good idea. I dont start with oh yes please. Oh thank you. It all sounds very odd that is what she is focussing on. I wouldnt go round every weekend. Let your DP pop round if he wants but you do something else. No way I would be continuing with a weekly visit with someone who openly finds me irritating and ignores me around the safety of my DC. As for your DP, tell him to stop with the games' oh we wont go round then' as he isnt supporting you as when the parents kick off he will blame you. Set your own boundaries and surround yourself with people who care