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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 15:52

Just buy your own car seat as you would have done. Let your DP deal with returning the other one to his mother and explaining why it is not suitable (and do NOT let him say “oh I’m fine but OP isn’t happy using it”). And if he does suggest that you just use it anyway then you know you have a real problem if he is prioritising Mummy’s feelings over his child’s safety.

chocorabbit · 07/12/2020 15:58

@Nanny0gg the TV would drive me crazy. I just wouldn't stand watching it all day even if all my favourite films were on. It's personal.

Snog · 07/12/2020 15:59

Going forward this could be the new monthly plan
Weekend 1
Go to in-laws. Help MIL with the food related jobs. When Football is on go to the park with anyone else who wants to come along. Don't spend more than 4/5 hours there.
Weekend 2
You stay home or do whatever you fancy child free, DH takes DC to in laws if he wants to
Weekend 3
In laws are invited to your house max 5 hours
Weekend 4
You and DH have family time, no seeing the in-laws

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 15:59

I’m just not going to reply to her at all. I sent a nice polite message and got nothing but vitriol back. If she wants to have a relationship with her grandchild then I’m fine with that, she just needs to treat his mother with some respect first

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 07/12/2020 16:12

This is good OP you're starting to get a little angry at you bloody well should.

FYI that quote from your DP is the height of manipulation, him saying fine, we wont go around there anymore.

The correct mature response would have been to reassure you and say that you absolutely shouldn't feel pressured to come ever, and that he would have a word with his mum.

He is putting you second, and his mother first. He has become too used to you slotting into whatever he wants. Be prepared for some more manipulative BS during your talk tonight but dont forget you are in the right here. You should always come first in his eyes.

Nurse45 · 07/12/2020 16:12

@sporkle

Why are you ignoring everyone asking about you breaking lockdown rules *@whitenoise123* ?
They were but if you have a child under one now you’re allowed to for a support bubble!
User43210 · 07/12/2020 16:16

@whitenoise123

I’m just not going to reply to her at all. I sent a nice polite message and got nothing but vitriol back. If she wants to have a relationship with her grandchild then I’m fine with that, she just needs to treat his mother with some respect first
Wow, what a 180. Keep this fire!!!
Purpler5 · 07/12/2020 16:16

You MIL is an utter cow. If my DIL and DS had a 3 month old they would be getting nothing but kindness and a lot of slack for any apparent lack of manners, not that is particularly sounds like yours have been lacking.

She's not doing herself any favours here. I'd disengage and just let it all go for now, see if she offers an olive branch. Or maybe, if you feel up to it then you can try patching things over if she's not forthcoming by Christmas. But you're under no obligation to do so!

Karatema · 07/12/2020 16:17

[quote whitenoise123]@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me[/quote]
Please, please, please take control of your own child and his safety! And that includes ensuring your baby observes the Covid rules for your area. Don't be a doormat for anyone.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 07/12/2020 16:18

Agree @whitenoise123 - nothing to be gained by responding.

sporkle · 07/12/2020 16:18

@Nurse45 yes, which only came in last week. OP hasn't replied to anyone that's raised it.

Purpler5 · 07/12/2020 16:18

@sporkle

Because the lockdown rules aren't really relevant to the issues the OP has with her MIL, unless of course she wants to use any rules to her advantage!

Mucky1 · 07/12/2020 16:19

I'm sorry but I'd send back a laughing emoji and say I suppose manners mean different things to different people. I would never treat a guest in my house the way that you treat me I'm ignored, shut out of conversations and expected to watch a sport all day I have no interest in. I realise you feel Iv been curt and I have taken this on board and I'm hoping the next time I visit I'm not expected to be enthralled by conversations about next door but ones dog or great great aunt Mabels bunions!!

Wnikat · 07/12/2020 16:21

Don't reply. Text messages are a bad method of communication. You've apologised, she's accepted it (with bad grace). Just move on and don't give her the oxygen of conflict.

Going forward, go there less, be as polite as you can when you're there and if she's difficult with you then go there even less.

CatsRock · 07/12/2020 16:21

OP, as she's been honest, maybe this is your chance to do the same?

Get your DP on side first. But what about saying something like:

'I appreciate your honestly. I understand if that seemed rude, and as i said I am sorry. Perhaps you remember what it is like having a new baby, and how stressful it feels when they are upset, and how easy it is to feel judged.

For my side, I feel that since (name your baby) arrived you have little interest in me (give a short example) and that also comes over as rude.

I really appreciate it when you... (short example of something you do appreciate if there is something) but I don't like / it doesn't work for me when (short example).

We are both finding our feet in a new situation, and i hope you can understand that as a new mother i need (say what you want instead).'

Wnikat · 07/12/2020 16:22

Also I suggest you might develop a cough just before Christmas and then you'll have to isolate for two weeks again. Shame.

Norwester · 07/12/2020 16:24

That's great news that DP is up for talking this through tonight. I hope that goes well.

You don't have to mount a five-point diplomatic intervention on the carseat. Say no, sorry, that's not suitable. Kind offer, but it will need to go back.

Good luck!

sporkle · 07/12/2020 16:31

@Purpler5 well yes, not the original OP about the text message but the wider issue of not being comfortable with the weekly visits...she shouldn't have been visiting at all.

KOKOagainandagain · 07/12/2020 16:47

You don't have an in law problem - but you may have a DP problem.

Before he had a partner and a child he may have got into the habit of deferring to his birth family and not established a fully independent adult life where there are appropriate boundaries. Maybe he assumed you were passive and would also defer. But now he, not you (because you will be painted as the baddie) has to realise that he is an adult, you are an adult, you are parents and will make your own family traditions.

Don't allow yourself to be excluded for an easy life. It is not a win.

If DP wants to perpetuate this dynamic he can visit alone, maybe a weekday evening, so you can plan your weekends to suit your family - you, DP, the baby.

When it suits you you can invite your DPs parents to your house for a time limited weekend visit (Covid rules allowing) with no background of sky sports. If they object tell them constant background noise is detrimental to speech development. Maybe invite your birth family too (Covid rules allowing). Your house, your rules. (If you want to mess with them you can judge them for some imagined infraction after devaluing them but I'm guessing your mind doesn't work like that and caring for a first young baby is your priority).

Your DP needs to tell his parents what the rules will be going forward and make it clear that he is not being coerced by you to do so.

Post on the relationships board if he refuses or goes to extremes.

GreyGoose1980 · 07/12/2020 16:59

Hi
I get on fairly well with my in-laws but see them about once every six weeks or so. Going round every Sunday would be way too much. I see my own mum every week or every other week as we live close and get on but although DP gets on with my parents he only sees them about once a month, the other times I go on my own for a couple of hours. I think it would really help the relationship if you saw each other less frequently and your DP took DS over on his own some weekends.

Helendee · 07/12/2020 17:03

In your original post OP you say you are “always polite to them” so why did you also say that you acknowledge that maybe you should try harder with them?

randomer · 07/12/2020 17:03

Right OP, you have a tiny baby which was born in the midst of a pandemic. You are a first time Mum. Tired? fragile? Possibly.

This is an older woman well established in her home with a job, interests, a partner possibly.

She should be bloody grateful for anything.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 17:05

@Helendee yes I am always polite and courteous to them. I was just trying saying that maybe I should try harder by starting more conversations etc even though I get little back

OP posts:
Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 17:08

@randomer exactly. I didn’t have the easiest birth experience either as I found out there was potentially a problem with my baby at a 38 week growth scan. I was induced then given an emergency c-section. DS was in NICU for 10 days and I didn’t even get to see him until he was 10 hours old so I did just need extra support instead of being ignored

OP posts:
littlejalapeno · 07/12/2020 17:08

All this please and thank you Pearl clutching is such an English thing. I’ll never get why some people prioritise the performative element of it even among close friends and family. “Oooh DIL is just not grateful enough by my standards, burn her!” It can come across as quite controlling and prevents intimacy getting beyond a certain point. Because everyone has different standards of how much thanks and politeness is needed. But she might be the kind who wants you to say please can I have some milk in my tea, even though she knows exactly how you take your tea already. It’s just a stick to beat you with. She sounds like she wants to be number one, her op ion is the only opinion and most important, and how dare you focus on the baby and not her... and especially not do what she wants with your baby.

A lot of MILs just want to treat their daughter in law like rubbish and have a blind spot for their own behaviour in that respect. You do seem meek and her message was definitely not kind.

You are the mum now, you are allowed to put your needs first, you are allowed to be accidentally rude or even purposely from time to time. You are allowed not to give a crap and prioritise how you see fit. You are allowed a bit of benefit of the doubt given the age of your baby. She’s being unreasonable as hell.