MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

I think it’s quite a hard text she sent you. Also you’re probably used to people being kinder like your mum.

Choose only to go if you feel like it. When your there chat to father in law lots.

It sounds to me.like.yoi don't actually like going every week but have gone to keep the peace. Unfortunately the fact that you are going to ' keep the peace' come across in your behaviour. You probably find it a lot of effort to be do friendly and warm and to actually take part in the conversation if you have to do it every week . Simon typical passive aggressive fashion have gone ' to be polite' but not actually engaged . It would be far better to go once a month but , be very friendly, offer to help out, compliment the food etc. Let your DH go with the baby in between your visits if he wants to.

The difficulty now is that if you visit less often straight away you will spur the relationship. I'd commit to going for the next 3 weeks and be really friendly and engaged but on the 4th week is just give as excuse as to why you can't go and then gradually reduce the number of times you visit .

If.you are resenting the visits it is very hard to be polite and and not to seem distant and unengaged.

Do you enjoy going? If not, then just stop. You don’t owe them anything.
People that are so uptight about manners are fucking annoying to be around, you’re always on edge wondering if you’ve offended them somehow.

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

I would bite his hand off at that offer, in a few weeks time she should be more willing to be polite to you.

[quote whitenoise123]@DemolitionBarbie I really try to be more assertive but even DP acts like I’m being difficult when I do so. For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me[/quote]
Then he doesn't go in her car.

Any reason she's looking after him?

I wouldn’t even reply. Your message was diplomatic, hers isn’t. But you do need to reduce the time you’re spending there. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all! Could you goes once a month and DH go twice a month just taking DS?

@whitenoise123

DP says we will discuss it properly tonight. So I’ll see what he has to say for himself

You need to be more assertive (not confrontational, assertive)

And I'm not convinced your DP has your back.

Are you going back to work? What are the childcare plans?

@Nanny0gg she isn’t looking after him. She bought the car seat for our car months ago and I only found out last week. I would never expect anyone to buy us something like a car seat as it’s up to the parents to choose what works for them

[quote whitenoise123]@Nanny0gg she isn’t looking after him. She bought the car seat for our car months ago and I only found out last week. I would never expect anyone to buy us something like a car seat as it’s up to the parents to choose what works for them[/quote]
So you say your DH ignored you saying it was unsafe - what happened next? Have you been using it despite knowing it isn't safe?

@youvegottenminuteslynn no DS is still only three months so he’s still in his infant car seat. I wanted to address his next car seat properly with them soon but think I’ll have to try improve the relationship a bit more first

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

Yes of course, he's relying on that reaction; guilt, contrition, capitulation. Emotional blackmail inviting martyrdom.

Don't fall into that trap. Decide what you want to do. Propose that. Stick to your position, calmly and reasonably.

Your DH won't know how to respond to calm reason, he's been trained to jump to order but, if you refuse to back down, while offering an indisputably sensible way forwards, he'll find it difficult to avoid going along with you.

I wanted to address his next car seat properly with them soon

Nothing to address. You told them you wand DS rear facing, so the seat they bought is not suitable. Buy your own and tell them no thanks.

@KatharinaRosalie

I wanted to address his next car seat properly with them soon

Nothing to address. You told them you wand DS rear facing, so the seat they bought is not suitable. Buy your own and tell them no thanks.

This! By not being firm I think you're actually making things a bigger deal. He is your baby, you decide what is safe for him. It's that simple. Doesn't need to be a big dramatic sit down confrontation to 'address'!

Your DH sounds like he is unsupportive. You say he's supportive but then give examples where he has undermined your decisions or criticised you AND most importantly you say that when you try and talk to him about things he refuses to do so. That is not a normal, healthy relationship dynamic. At all.

Read your own posts back. They are full of DH says, Ill ask DH when he's back, DH says, DH thinks... you need to remember you're a grown woman and a mother. You are not a passive passenger in your own life, you have choice and agency but seem to act as if you don't.

If you have a partner who dismisses you wanting to talk about things you are feeling, you are not in a healthy relationship.

OP I feel angry for you. I can't imagine holding anything against a 23 year old new mother with a 12 week old baby. If my DS and his partner had a baby and visited me, the only thing I would be doing is offering her a spare bed to rest or sleep on, rather than sending her dickish messages about being 'civil'.
My DS's partner is a similar age to you and sometimes she can come across as disinterested. So what? She is 23 for God's sake and not always confident herself.
I'd be inclined to tell your 'D'P that you will 'reflect on the situation' some more as his mother suggests, because the current situation isn't working for you.

[quote GoldfishParade]@AlternativePerspective

The only thing we know for sure is that's a very petty, snippy message from the MIL. Why couldn't she have said "oh dont worry about it, I just hope you're feeling okay and know you can always count on me. It's not easy with a newborn, I know!"

Instead we get some sour faced clenchathonic message to a 24 year old woman who has to sacrifice her own family time for this harpy.

And yes, a grown ass man facetiming mother dearest is overkill.

You wouldnt happen to be an overbearing MIL would you?[/quote]
But a grown arse woman facetiming her mum everyday isn't?

@Cindie943811A

No wonder the in laws and DP talk only about football on Sundays. If DP is talking to his parents every evening there can’t be anything left to discuss.

And when your baby grows older there will be endless toddler TV on

It's not that we don't watch TV but I can't stand families that have it on all day.

Going there every week is beyond ridiculous, not even the closest families live in each other's pockets like that. Why can't you have a Sunday all to yourselves? I'd say once a month is even more frequent than most families do, and that's before Covid. It seems like you have little time to yourself as a family, you don't get an entire weekend to yourselves. To go there to watch football and to barely be acknowledged seems like an 11th circle of hell or something. I could not do that for one Sunday, let alone every week! That sounds miserable and awkward.

I also think your DP doesn't supportive enough. Maybe you should tell him that his mum is rude too, she makes NO effort to engage with you, and doesn't seem to want to talk to you, so if you're rude, she is worse. She is a bad host and doesn't even make you feel welcome. As a result, you feel shy, awkward, and unwanted. Put it straight back on her that she is the rude one, and further, you'd think as a mother herself, she'd understand that you have your hands full settling DC etc. She should have experience of all that. But basically, she comes across to you as rude and unwelcoming, and she makes you feel miserable and an outcast. Ask him why she shouldn't apologise to you? Anyone would feel shy and awkward, standoffish and unwelcome with MIL's behaviour. It's a natural reaction to retreat when you are made to feel unwelcome and ignored for the entire day. I think you're the victim here, and your DP is no help or support.

I'd stop visiting altogether for awhile, at best, once a month. They don't engage with you and all they do is watch football and pretend you're not there. What are you getting out of it? Absolutely nothing. And the baby is too young to even get anything remotely out of it, but he will sense you are stressed, and that's not a good thing. You need to stand up for yourself, say you won't go where you don't feel welcome, and as a new mother with a newborn baby, you need peace and to feel happy, not stressed out. DP needs to start seeing his mother's rude, thoughtless behaviour and call her out on it, and have your back. He can take the baby to see his parents if he wants, but you need a breather from them.

Gees, I didn't realise how long that reply was!

[quote whitenoise123]@youvegottenminuteslynn no DS is still only three months so he’s still in his infant car seat. I wanted to address his next car seat properly with them soon but think I’ll have to try improve the relationship a bit more first[/quote]
OP, you don't need to improve anything. If it comes naturally from BOTH sided, ok. But right now it is only one way assumptions and expectations.

Let him go over there by himself op! He can do what he likes but you don’t have to watch football all day, how bloody boring.

OP I think you need to think about what you want. 3 months post partum is a tough time, the hormones are over the place and the tiredness and then you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure going out every Sunday like that.
What strikes me:

• long day out of the house for you and your baby at a young age
• doesn't sound very relaxing for you
• not much support from your husband. Firstly in thinking it's ok to go every Sunday, then he pointed out you were rude, then agreed with his mum after she sent that text.

Your MIL didn't show much generosity in her text to you. Either you've been very rude and she's had enough or she is unreasonable in her expectations. And I'd think even if it's the first, she still could have found a better way to respond as that's what we have to do to make sure that niggles in relationships don't get out of proportion.
I'd definitely scale back the visits. Go with the baby later in the day for a meal or skip every so often. It's half your weekend together and unreasonable to be expected to do the same thing every Sunday when it's clearly only working for one of you.

And when it comes to the baby, car seats, safety and whatever they try and do next to suit them, I would be very very firm. "No MIL, those seats are illegal for good reason so we won't be able to use it unfortunately and neither will you in your car." Repeat and repeat and don't give in.

Good luck.

@ You can't stand that the TV is on all day or you actively dislike people that do have it on all day?

Your mil is a bitch, that was a really rude message she sent to you. She was surely aware that her grandson was crying, did she expect you to linger in the house and ignore him while waiting for her to finish chatting?! Even if not, having a baby only 3 months old must mean you are v tired, she should be trying to work out how she can make your life easier, not sticking to petty formalities.

Problem is when someone is like this, they rarely change. Seeing them every week sounds like hell. That said doesn’t matter that you are in the right, you’re stuck with them now. Go to the next couple of lunches but also work out exit strategy from seeing her every week.

No need to change things immediately but long term you need to start making excuses not to go over. Ideally your DH would tell his mum to be nicer - but coming in between a mother and son usually ends badly. Maybe just “I’ll take baby for a walk to help him nap while you catch up with your parents.”

This sounds really tough and having had mil issues I hugely sympathise. As much as you must feel like walking away from it all, they’ll be in your life for a long time to come and it’s probably easier to try and repair things now and will cause far less stress in the long term. I would reply honestly and explain that you’re sorry that she’s feels that way and that you maybe haven’t been the best version of yourself as you haven’t felt that comfortable and because of this you don’t feel like you’ve got to know them properly and have become a bit more withdrawn as you’ve felt a bit unwelcome but your relationship with them is important to you and you hope that now this is out in the open that you can both have a bit of a fresh start. As awful as the idea may sound I’d maybe suggest that the two of you go for a walk with the baby so you have chance to get to know each other a bit better away from the rest of the family. I’d aim to visit the next couple of weeks but maybe for a shorter period and then start to take a bit of much needed baby free time some Sunday’s and let your husband visit with your baby and make the joint visits a bit shorter. I’ve realised I’m never going to get on really well with my mil but by spending less time there and letting my husband take the kids over without me but making a big effort when I do go that it puts less pressure on our relationship. Going over every Sunday when you don’t enjoy it sounds like a nightmare! My other piece of advice longer term would be having firm boundaries and holding them strong especially with things like the car seat but this will become easier if you can get things a bit more comfortable with you all first.

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

well you shoudln't have been going anyway.

Cannot believe your Dh would let you miss out on seeing your mum but insist on going to his.

Someone (dh) needs to tell them that they are breaking the law, and report her to her boss.

No sympathy OP.

If he said steal something, presumably you would say know becuase it is illegal, but hey break the paw by breaking lockdown, yeah that's fine, who cares about a bit of a virus.

ffs