MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

But this isn't a general thread about mothers in law. It's a request for input about a specific piece of behaviour with a clear pattern and a context.

all stories have 2 sides
Except when they don’t...
Some people are just awful and sometimes there isn’t two sides.
There’s just a victim and a bully.

To be fair to your DP, he has probably been faced with manipulation and martyrish behaviour for so long that he doesn't recognise it when he's doing it. I would have a conversation and not allow it to become an opportunity for him to vent but just say 'You know that's not a kind solution and it's a huge over reaction, why would you blow things up like that when we just need to use some problem solving skills?'

It's likely that he will actually feel more comfortable instigating world war 3 between you and his parents than acting in a measured way himself. So he'll likely you try to land you in it and this will be so easy because there is clearly a culture of gossiping negatively about you. Deep down he probably knows that one for out of line and your MIL will make herself an utter nightmare to deal.

It's interesting that the only way MIL knows how to accept your apology is to tell you off, like she's always the good one and your place is ignored or in the wrong. Personally, I would never be so rude as to invite someone's partner and then expect them to watch telly about a sport they didn't follow. I also think it's ridiculously selfish to visit a newborn and have one of the sleep deprived parents cooking for you-why didn't she being a meal or offer to help?

OP, he is now saying fine we won't go round to do two things. Not deal with this issue his mother has now created by sending her message and also to try to get you to back down and put up with it.
You have had lots of good advice about a reply. I would suggest something that plays it back into your court. So mentioning about that as they watch football and talk of people you don't know you don't feel like you can join in. Put it back on them. And mention his brother not talking aswell while your at it. Say he doesn't speak to you so makes you feel uncomfortable, like he doesn't want you there as it takes attention away from him, (the fact she does everything for him). Suggest how you want it to be tactfully, saying as you have been breaking the rules to see them and regone seeing your own, if she would like maybe a walk would be nice to have a walk and a chat. And don't let her railroad about the baby seat. Best thing to do is saying your are taking advice of a professional so they can't wriggle out of it, oh I check with the health visitor and the advice now is to.......then it is not you saying no

Not trolling you say? That's why so many people on the thread welcomed her with open arms then.

OP has consistently posted about putting everyone else first to the detriment of her own wellbeing, and being ignored by her own family, and then people start derailing her thread to take the focus away from her yet again. Poor OP can't catch a break.

You do seem to use your wish to fuss around the baby as a bit of a catch-all excuse for everything. It really doesn't take long to say thank you.

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

Brilliant. Call your mum now. Get her to help you out with this situation (if you have this sort of relationship but not to get involved, you need support). Tell her you’re going over to see her Sunday / meet for lunch with your baby.

If you think it will helpful, you can then give your dp a taste of his medicine so when your dp gets a cats bum face, tell him he’s being rude. He’s expected to come. Then when you see her, organise the following Sunday. While he’s there, make sure you talk about coronation street or whatever floats your boat but he finds mind numbing. Ignore him as much as possible. Watch strictly come dancing back to back etc.

Get yourself some therapy, lean on your family. You’ve got a monster il family and a big DP problem. If you don’t put in some boundaries now, you’re going to be increasingly subsumed by these people and at risk of PND. Your mil sounds horrid. How dare she speak to a young / new mum, who’s finding her feet in this way. Clearly her younger son has taken a leaf out of her book but taken ignoring you further.

So basically you have a perfectly reasonable excuse not to go at the moment (you state your partners parents plural and that you are in England and you've just had covid). I'm fairly confident to state that you are highly likely to be happily breaking the law as you are extremely unlikely to be in Tier 1 and this does make me lose a hell of a lot of sympathy because you are a grown adult who has a responsibility not to break the law. You can not blame that on your partner unless you are in an abusive relationship.

And it does seem that you are rather more accepting of what you are being told by your partner and he isn't backing you up with by kicking his mum up the backside in making you feel unwelcome.

So the options here are either than you completely lack a spine or you are in a pretty unhealthy relationship.

Your problem isn't your MIL. You should be reflecting and focusing on that rather than what your MIL has said.

Good idea @PurpleMustang, a walk is a really good alternative option to spending the day there and falls within the rules. People open up more and feel more relaxed talking on a walk, I think I read some psychology article about how it promotes openness because you're not looking at the person talking to you so you aren't so self aware while you're chatting. Could be a better way to relate to them.

whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more
......
I think it is unlikely that you are actually resented, you are probably just awkward around each other. A lot of people are like that with in laws.

Don't stop going around altogether, just go less often. I'm sure I never took mine to visit anyone for a whole day at three months, I preferred being at home until later on. However it is nice to have Sunday dinner cooked for you and you say you go out for a walk so that takes up some time rather than sitting around chatting. Cut down your visits.

In time you may find you and in laws are more relaxed with each other.

whitenoise123
DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

This is a blackmail / martyr response. You don’t mean forever, just for a bit. You want to pull back from every week, which is completely reasonable! You are going to have to do better than this to make in roads into this problem OP!

@whitenoise123

DP says we will discuss it properly tonight. So I’ll see what he has to say for himself

I think you need to be saying something. If this was me, something along the lines of:

1. If he thinks you deserve to be treated in this manner by his mother, you’re struggling to see a way forward with them. They are rude and exclude you and his mother unable to be gracious even on receiving an apology.
2. His main loyalty has to lie with you. His mother is not his partner, you. If he cannot see it, there is a big problem.
3. You don’t want to spend xmas with them. So you won’t. You’re going to see your mum and get some support from someone, who has your best interest at heart.

Great that you're going to talk about it properly later. Have a think about what you want to happen. Make sure you say that. Even write yourself a little list. Not stuff like 'your mum to apologise' because that will never happen but 'not to go round every Sunday' and 'help me feel comfortable with your family' would do for a start.

Yes, your dh does not have your back at all does he? He agrees with his mum all over the place.

Ask him to look at your message properly and go through it with you pointing out where he thinks it was rude. Bet he strains to find anything actuallly rude.

You need to have a good talk about this otherwise this is going to be the story of your marriage and you will become miserable and resentful and then every mean thing any of them do will - in their minds - be completely justifiable. Spend MUCH more time with your mum; keep reminding yourself what normal and kind are.

It sounds to me that you are just incompatible with them. Perhaps you could make more effort with manners, probably your mil could make more effort with you too.

To be just sitting there for a whole day every week watching football on tv is pretty grim though. It sounds like it's a bit part of their lives, watching on tv and then talking about it. If it's not a big part of your life then really, just stop going. It's such a waste of a weekend day. I don't think you should be handing over your baby for your DH to take there for a complete day every weekend either, assuming he decides to go on his own to visit. It would be quite enough for him to take the baby for a couple of hours, then get back home to spend the rest of the day having some quality family time.

Your MIL seems somewhat like mine. Mine was always very rude and difficult with me and expected me to jump through hoops for her. I apologised for my behaviour when I had actually done nothing wrong. it was just done to keep the peace and was a mistake. My DH also goes down the "we will just never speak to her again so" dramatic routine. The reason for this is he is frightened to death to actually confront her about anything so completely ignoring her is more preferable. He will put pressure on you though in a few days to overlook everything and has learnt this dramatic way of behaving from her. You are only young and probably have low self esteem at the moment, being in a vunerable position and she knows she can undermine you. Which is what she did.

I would use the lockdown rules as a reason to stay away for a few weeks and slowly extradict yourself from the family. My DH deals with his Mother and I have absolutely nothing to do with her. it works for us as she is horrible to me and always will be. You say he is close to his family but are you sure about that? My DH used to say he is very close to his family but his Dad had a heart attack and no-one seemed that bothered and he rarely interacts with his brother. His Mother dominates the interactions between all family members so he was not visiting all the time because he has a close family but rather because his Mother would kick off if she wasn't overly involved in her adult sons lives. Do you think your DP might be similar? Does he have a good relationship with his Brother/Father?

You seem very sweet, though I can see a lack of self confidence and a subservient streak. I would suggest you do discuss this in person with them but beforehand think about being assertive and not being a doormat or so apologetic all the time. Also ask your husband to back you in that discussion. Then stop going so often if it’s not what you want to do - suggest that you go every other time and then your husband can take the baby every week and give you a break. Don’t be a martyr - they won’t respect you any more for it - in face the opposite. Please try to be kind to yourself

@whitenoise123

Thank you for replying. Yes we usually spend all day there most weeks. DP and I tested positive a few weeks ago so we obviously didn’t see them when we isolating so that was a nice break from them. Even so DP FaceTimed them every night with DS which I didn’t really mind as it gave me time to get jobs done in the house.

My mum usually comes around every week but just for a few hours and never tries to take over with DS.

I admit that sometimes I might have forgotten to properly thank them for the things they do but usually I’m trying to settle the baby down.

She didn’t say he hated you. You’ve admitted you were off with her and she will have picked up on that.

It looks like you’re using the baby as an excuse not to engage with them. I do think that FaceTiming your parents every night is excessive.

Having written a lot, I've deleted it all but having seen your update about breaking the law to see these people while not seeing your own family, I think the problem is a much wider issue with your DH thinking you are just an extension to his family.

I would really encourage you to read https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck/ampp*

Your Life is what you make it, not what your MiL wants for you. All the very best.

When you talk to your partner you MUST challenge him in why he thinks his mother can treat you like a naughty child. And don’t fall for his dramatic solutions. Then agree a sensible solution including reducing the visits and maybe asking for guidance about what you have been doing which his mother perceives as so rude - nb I am not saying that you have been objectively rude, but you need to understand what it is that she THINKS is rude.
Your baby is 3 months old, we are in a pandemic. Now is a great time to change the routine because your life is changing anyway. Look at it like that, with less emphasis on distancing yourself from a toxic relationship with MIL and more about altering he interaction so that the relationship becomes less toxic, if you see what I mean.

I also think you need to ascertain why your dp wants to talk to his mother / parents every evening. Is it because he wants to or is it to appease them? I used to do a hell of a lot of things to appease and please my mother that I didn’t want to do. It took me a long time and lots of therapy to get her voice on loop out of my head.

There needs to be a compromise about the frequency of visits. You both go with baby maybe once a month, other weekends are for yourselves or your relatives and sometimes he might go over on his own or with DS and only go for a few hours, home for a late lunch. It should be far more flexible, not just whatever routine they have established. DP has his own family now.

One of the problems here is their family habit of watching football on TV. No doubt your DP likes watching it in a family group rather than on his own at home but it's boring for you. His family seem to be calling all the shots and you're going along with it.

Why are you ignoring everyone asking about you breaking lockdown rules @whitenoise123 ?

No wonder the in laws and DP talk only about football on Sundays. If DP is talking to his parents every evening there can’t be anything left to discuss.

This does sound a really grim use of your Sunday OP . You could have so much more fun with your little family as your baby grows up . You’ve apologised - that was enough ! Your partner needs to grow up a bit and back you up - what’s wrong with a monthly visit to his family ? Your baby as she/he grows isn’t going to want to spend each Sunday watching football on Sky .