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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
Hotchocolatewithcream · 07/12/2020 13:53

MILs have a rotten press on Mumsnet
There are always several threads criticising them. I make no apology for raising this, there's something not right on here
In real life there is not this level of antagonism towards MILs
🤣
I intensely dislike my MIL.

I imagine that if I wrote a thread about how awful she is I’d have people like you assuming ‘something isn’t right’, that I must be responsible in some way.

In actual fact, she’s hated me from day 1 and treated me absolutely appallingly despite me bending over backwards trying to appease her.

Situations like OP describes where the MIL just flat out does not like you no matter what you do are way, way more common that you think.

northstars · 07/12/2020 13:53

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more
Stop giving in to this nonsense.

If he’s said this, then don’t go. Who cares if they resent you? Why are you so afraid to stand up for yourself? They are not your parents.

PatriciaPerch · 07/12/2020 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePlantsitter · 07/12/2020 13:54

OP you're not in the wrong here. The fact that your DH is being so passive about it 'we'll not go round any more' is very telling - is he trying to make you feel bad or can he really not see another way of dealing with this?

If you're going to spend the rest of your life with this man (are you?) you need to learn how to talk to him honestly. Practise on him and you might be able to be frank with his mum one day!

On the other hand if he's saying that you'll all stay at home on Sundays from now on you could just say 'OK good' couldn't you...?

timeforanewstart · 07/12/2020 13:54

Can you honestly say you have been rude even unintentionally ? If so you can obviously be more mindful of that going forward ? Are they always polite to you also ?
Why not just go every other week and suggest dp takes dc for a few hrs on his own the other week
Maybe going once a week is too much , my dh loves my parents and I see them weekly but he doesn't always come as sometimes he just doesn't want to

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 13:55

Mother-in-law is the commander in chief, her son is one of her lieutenants, you are just cannon fodder OP
that's the pecking order and she will do everything she can to maintain and preserve the status quo

Bucolicky · 07/12/2020 13:56

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more
Agree immediately! It's pretty clear he wants you to say that no, it's fine to keep going round there. But take him at this word and plan something else for the three of you to do for the next few Sundays.
timeforanewstart · 07/12/2020 13:58

Also they prob aren't deliberately ignoring you , new babies often take the attention , is this there first grandchild ?

ekidmxcl · 07/12/2020 13:58

Helendee

The way I interpreted the difference between the OP’s parents and the DP’s parents was like this:

The visit at the DP’s parents is all day with the entire family required to be present all day every Sunday at the PIL’s house until pretty late on (OP mentioned 8pm). OP has nothing to do there!

The OP presumably has her mum round or goes round there when convenient for a couple of hours and a chat and maybe one meal, rather than an all day fixed arrangement every week. Maybe her DP is present, maybe not.

That’s how I read it. A fixed overbearing arrangement where DP exits adult life and his mum makes food for the whole day (and whinges about it) vs a flexible arrangement between adults where they chat (and presumably OP’s mum isn’t whinging via text).

Quite a big difference from what I’ve understood.

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 13:59

Don't feed the trolls everyone. Let's not allow this thread to be derailed, OP needs to be the focus here.

giantangryrooster · 07/12/2020 14:00

*Stop giving a fuck about what they will think/feel/do.
Keep him to his word!
He's relying on you saying no & trying to please everyone but yourself.

This, he is taking the martyr approach, making you feel guilty. Don't... let him choose how to deal with his family, and you choose how much time and effort you are going to invest. You are being played.

overoptimism · 07/12/2020 14:01

So your DP is trying to create a situation where you have separated him from his family. Catastrophising so he doesn't have to face the real issue.

You don't want to get dragged into that. I would say don't be ridiculous, it's a good job I know when you're not being serious.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/12/2020 14:02

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more.

Result!

But in seriousness, this is what my dear old granny would have called 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. Talk about taking things to their extremes: you're not asking him to go this far. The whole business sounds to me rather immature, which is less surprising having seen MiL's text message to you. The language she uses infantalises you: perhaps this is the way she's accustomed to talking to her son, and he has internalised this.

You can hand over responsibility for maintaining this relationship to him. In that case, if he decides he won't go over there anymore the onus is entirely on him. Don't take on the burden of wife work here. You're getting no thanks for this whatsoever, so why do it?

But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more.

You can't help that. What other people think of you is none of your business. It's my experience that with these types, the harder you try to make them like you the more of an exercise in futility it is and the more they'll despise you for the effort.

If DP is going to be critical of you, see how he copes on his own for a while. His circus, his monkeys.

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 14:02

OP, good piece of advice that made a big difference to my life is the saying "No is a sentence". You don't need to justify your decisions with a thousand reasons. Sometimes just saying no is perfectly valid on its own.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/12/2020 14:03

NB. I think the PPs suggesting this behaviour is emotional blackmail, and that you are being manipulated, are bang on the money.

Hardbackwriter · 07/12/2020 14:04

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more
Well, that's passive aggressive bullshit, designed to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it.
overoptimism · 07/12/2020 14:04

Bucolicky

Terrible advice. There be wailing phone calls from him to take, seething resentment during these so called outings culminating in DP finally exploding and being thoroughly nasty because he now has grounds to claim the OP is a heartless family hatchet woman.

chocorabbit · 07/12/2020 14:05

"Fine DP! What shall we do next weekend?". You will find that you won't be included in his plans. It's either his family or nothing/sulking. It should be about pleasing and entertaining you for once. Can't he visit them on weekdays for a few hours?

Mamascoven · 07/12/2020 14:05

Had this same problem. Dh now takes dc to see his family alone and I get a day of peace! Winning!

Norwester · 07/12/2020 14:05

You need to have an open and honest discussion with dh about how you have been feeling and what you have experienced. If you can't discuss this, then your marriage is in trouble.

Don't. Go. To. In-Laws. You are a grown woman and you do not need their approval.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 14:05

@MrsMigginsMate

Don't feed the trolls everyone. Let's not allow this thread to be derailed, OP needs to be the focus here.
Oh jeez.... I mean ironic much.....
Dashel · 07/12/2020 14:05

If it matters I love my MIL, I think she is great, she and DH speak most days on his commute to work. We get on, have been on holiday together, weekends away etc but I wouldn’t go round there one day a week and I don’t think she would want me to either. I also think most loving parents wouldn’t be putting their dc and dgc at risk during the pandemic or in your and your DH case putting your DP at risk.

You really need to find your back bone, it’s not a see the family once a week or never see them, there are compromises that you can make

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 14:08

DP says we will discuss it properly tonight. So I’ll see what he has to say for himself

OP posts:
satnighttakeaway · 07/12/2020 14:08

@MrsMigginsMate

Don't feed the trolls everyone. Let's not allow this thread to be derailed, OP needs to be the focus here.
Sticking up for MILs isn't trolling, she allowed to express that there's a lot of hated for them on here and that all stories have 2 sides.

And before you accuse me of also being what you call a troll I have no skin in this, I neither have nor am a MIL

Powerof4 · 07/12/2020 14:09

I think you should definitely agree with him that the visits need to stop for now Smile. Especially as you have a baby, there is a pandemic and she could get into serious trouble for breaking the rules about indoor meetings. Go and do some nice things together - take the baby for some fresh air and definitely stick to baby's routine and getting rest for yourself - those should be your priorities for now.

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