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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/12/2020 13:34

She regards you as a child. Your DP regards you and himself as children and his parents as the grown-ups in his life. Pathetic. Selfish and immature, the lot of them.

I... well I wouldn't have let it get this far, or broken lockdown rules for them. But what I'd suggest you do, is withdraw, quite a long way, fast.

Maybe go over there once a month as a family. Let your DP take the baby sometimes. Other times, you make plans, with the baby, to see one of your friends or family members and let him go and watch football with them by himself. Invite them to your house sometimes, so they can take part in your family life too.

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 13:34

(PS I wonder what the GPs in the practice where she works would think about her breaking lockdown rules?).

ThePlantsitter · 07/12/2020 13:36

I'm feeling quite cross on your behalf!

From the tone of your posts it's clear that any rudeness is born of awkwardness not mardy-facedness.

You are young. As the mother of her grandchild and the wife of her son she should be making the effort to make you feel welcome in the family, not telling you off. That's what my late MIL did - massively tried to help me feel welcome - partly because she was just a nice person and partly because she recognised that I was the gatekeeper of her grandchildren!

It is not easy for you to be assertive I'm sure, but it's time to try. You are assisted by the fact that the carseat and the visiting are points of LAW and so you must know you're not being unreasonable. Rather than start with MIL you need to start with DH. When you go round to his parents' house he needs to make sure you feel comfortable. He needs to involve you in conversations. He needs to find the common ground between his family and you because HE is what links you! You need to say this to him along with no more illegal car seat and no bloody illegal weekly visits!

What is your mum like to him? I bet she makes an effort.

IndecentFeminist · 07/12/2020 13:36

Why does agreeing his partner was rude make him a twat who should be left? If I thought my husband had been rude to someone, and he asked my opinion I'd tell.him. It doesn't sound like he was rude or overbearing about it, just "pretty much agreed". At no point until now has he made her feel bad about it or even brought it up.

I'm getting very young, unassertive, petulant vibes from the OP, who sees herself/feels like a bit of a victim.

diddl · 07/12/2020 13:38

@whitenoise123

DP is working from home so has just come downstairs for some lunch. I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did
Oh dear.

He's a nasty bully like his mum.

billybagpuss · 07/12/2020 13:39

I haven’t read the full thread, just your replies but has she also been grumbling to DP behind your back. He clearly believes you’re in the wrong and you need to clear the air with him first and if he won’t stand up for you on this, you need to cut contact with her.

Helendee · 07/12/2020 13:40

@ekidmxcl
Yet it’s ok for the OP to see her own mum weekly? How does that work then?

Nurse45 · 07/12/2020 13:41

I definitely wouldn't be happy spending every weekend with the inlaws! You should try seeing them less. Although she didn't say she hates you she seemed very standoffish and i suppose you can read between the lines (but thats also the difficult thing with text). I also have a very complex relationship with my inlaws including BiL & SiL, as does my husband. You need to set your boundaries and talk to your partner about it. He needs to stand up for you and do what makes you happy if you are uncomfortable.

Sertchgi123 · 07/12/2020 13:42

MILs have a rotten press on Mumsnet. There are always several threads criticising them. I make no apology for raising this, there's something not right on here. In real life there is not this level of antagonism towards MILs.

HannaYeah · 07/12/2020 13:42

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

Would you ever say to someone that has apologized “well I value manners”? The unspoken message is, “and you obviously do not.” Further “because your family doesn’t care about manners.”

That’s not a mannerly or kind way to respond. MIL gave a scolding and judgement in response to a sincere apology. How is OP supposed to feel comfortable with her now?

In addition, there is nothing polite about expecting someone to visit your home and watch football all day while talking exclusively about topics in which they cannot contribute.

It’s like they want OP to act like a guest (all the manners expected) while they treat her like a potted houseplant. Manners indeed.

Waveysnail · 07/12/2020 13:42

I'd stop texting and go round and see her. Talk to her. I'm blunt. My mil even more blunt and we upset each other at times.

diddl · 07/12/2020 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

badacorn · 07/12/2020 13:43

Feel sorry for you op, I’d die of boredom spending the whole day in front of the tv watching football. I think you should visit less!

I’d make my excuses and leave if I thought I was in for a full day vegetating in front of the football.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/12/2020 13:43

You need to learn the difference between invitation and obligation. So does your DP.

It sounds as though these endless, mind-numbingly boring days at your ILs' are, for you, 90% obligation 10% invitation (something you're invited to join because it's pleasurable to you). The balance is quite different for him.

How would your DP feel about spending one whole, long day every weekend with your parents, doing / tolerating whatever they wanted and are used to, with no thought to his enjoyment? Would he go along with that out of a sense of familial obligation?

Hotchocolatewithcream · 07/12/2020 13:44

Why does agreeing his partner was rude make him a twat who should be left?
Because the OP wasn’t rude..?
She sent a perfectly nice message apologising for said perceived rudeness (even though there wasn’t really any) and received a really shitty reply back.
Her DH should have her back. And he doesn’t.

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 13:46

@Sertchgi123

MILs have a rotten press on Mumsnet. There are always several threads criticising them. I make no apology for raising this, there's something not right on here. In real life there is not this level of antagonism towards MILs.
In real life many of us feel obliged to maintain a polite facade On an anonymous forum we can say what we really feel
MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 13:46

@Sertchgi123

MILs have a rotten press on Mumsnet. There are always several threads criticising them. I make no apology for raising this, there's something not right on here. In real life there is not this level of antagonism towards MILs.
Oh jog on Sertchi, this thread clearly doesn't concern you. If you want to have that discussion then go and make your own thread about it. The rest of us are focusing on OP and her specific situation so unless you have anything helpful to add then just leave.
Norwester · 07/12/2020 13:47

If you feel awkward around his family, it might be because you still appear to be on trial with them - which is stressful. She finds you rude and stand-offish and your dh agrees. You find them unwelcoming - which your dh doesn't appear to see.

I think you need to stop trying to please these people.

Explain to dh that you feel left out, ignored and judged.

And stop going. Just stop doing that to yourself. What else can you do with a free Sunday while dh and dc are out if the house? I bet you can think of 100 better options!

You are an independent adult. You do not need to hang out every Sunday with your in-laws, with whom you do not get on.

MrsHarryKane · 07/12/2020 13:48

I had a fractious relationship with my in laws at first. It got worse when I had a baby.

7 years later - we’re now quite close and I get on with them really well.

I was low contact for a few years but as people grow they do change - and we’ve somehow grown & changed and discovered we’ve all been pricks in the past but have a lot in common now.

What I’m trying to say is - go low contact but don’t write off forming a relationship forever FlowersFlowers

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 13:50

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 13:50

What a shame that it wasn't obvious from the title what the thread was about.

Then you wouldn't have needed to bother yourself acting like a twat.

Well it has decided into the typical MiL type bull that usually happens on here. Its like bingo:

Doormat OP who is So Nice and yet Can't Seem To Get It Right.

Mean MiL who's Throwing Her Weight Around

Useless Husband who Cant Say No To Mummy (cue - you have a DP problem on repeat).

FiL who Only Does Sport and Doesn't Get Involved

Have I missed anything on the Mumsnet Trope List?

northstars · 07/12/2020 13:50

WTAF is wrong with your DP? This raises serious red flags for me, if he is siding with his mother and supporting her for that ridiculous text. You seem to have far bigger problems than the mother’s text message. How did you respond to your DP?

diddl · 07/12/2020 13:51

@whitenoise123

DP just keeps saying that we won’t go round there any more. But surely that will make it more awkward and for them to resent me more
Stop giving a fuck about what they will think/feel/do.

Keep him to his word!

He's relying on you saying no & trying to please everyone but yourself.

cabingirl · 07/12/2020 13:52

Definitely change the Sunday routine for a couple of months - blame Christmas planning etc and use January to set some firm boundries about what YOU want.

For a couple of months put yourself before your DP and his family. You can relax it a little later once you've established what YOU feel is acceptable.

Maybe Sundays will be once a month everyone at their house, once a month everyone at your house and then in between just your DP goes with the baby.

It sounds like their 'politeness' rules are fairly formulaic - so a big hello, a big goodbye and thank you at the end. See what they do when they come to your house and take that as their model.

Take a book with you when you go to their house for times when everyone is watching football - there's no way you have to sit their passively and watch something you are not interested in.

overoptimism · 07/12/2020 13:52

I think you sound lovely, OP. Almost too lovely.

Your MIL sounds manipulative (pretending to accept an apology when she is not being gracious at all), unwelcoming and controlling. If she is so tight with her son that he has to speak every day and break lockdown rules to visit, I suspect that absolutely no one would have been right for her son.

Your MIL sounds like a martyrish narcissist and I don't think this will end well without marriage counselling. It sounds like you will have no option but to rock the boat a bit and at that point you'll be painted as a villain.

You're going to have to give up trying to be nice. They're not going to like you. You clearly have high expectations of yourself and that's good but there is nothing wrong with saying no.

I find it disgusting that she sent that text to a new mother but especially in response to your lovely message. Your partner should really have a word and tell her that's no way to respond to a friendly apology.

I don't think it's any accident there is an age difference between you.

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