MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

@MrsMigginsMate yes she’s a nurse a surgery. My Mum is a nurse too but works in a hospital and followed all lockdown rules even though it meant she couldn’t see me for most of my pregnancy

Your DP sounds like a twat if he thinks you deserved that reply.

Her reply is rude, throughly ungracious and only going to lead to more bad feeling.

@WokesFromHome

What gets me when I read these threads is why these men don't go round on their own. I have brothers and grown up nephews and they pop in and out of my parents home all the time on their own and they don't live round the corner. They come over, have lunch, cup of tea, watch the match and then go home. Sometimes they being their partners if they want to come but it is more often than not.

I do hope that when my DS's are older they just rock up and fridge gaze and have some lunch. No one has to sit there on the sofa on a duty visit in silence with the clock ticking in the background.

P.s. Your MIL should be very welcoming to you and understanding that you have just had a baby. If I sent my sons GF a message like that he would be very upset with me.

To be fair, if OP had posted saying 'my DP leaves me at home with a three month old every Sunday to go and sit in his parents' house' people would also have been outraged at that (and, I suspect, would still have been insistent that this was all MIL's fault).

It's incredibly hard to tell. It very much sounds like you don't want to go and feel left out and distance yourself further when there. You sound resentful of being handed snacks without asking, when for most that's just kind. So because you feel resentful of the whole thing, you quite probably aren't as polite as you could be, this may well make you come across as young and sulky.

Even the title of your thread is quite teenage/petulant...she pointed out she felt you'd been rude and that jumps straight to "she hates me."

Don't go every week if you don't want to. It isn't unusual to like visiting and speaking to your parents regular, my husband spoke to his late mother every other day at least, and we see my parents a couple of times a week. Always for coffee on a Sunday for example.

There is rarely a good reason for not saying please or thank you, or goodbye, it's an absolute basic. If your partner is otherwise normal I'd be listening to his opinion too.

Perhaps take this opportunity to say that you really didn't want to be rude, but you're finding the length/frequency of visits too much at the moment so will either pop in for coffee or just go every few weeks or so.

But are you rude and standoffish?
Even if my baby was crying I’d still say bye to the in laws.
I could easily spend a day a week with my in laws.. especially if my own mother was coming around every week. Why shouldn’t your partner see his family if you see yours?
However if you are polite and warm to them, and they are rude to you all the time, that’s another matter

I'm pretty sure your dh wouldn't have liked it if you had written back in the same style as your mil's text.

I'm 52 so much closer to your mil's age than yours, and yet my sympathies are firmly with you.

They have Sky TV on for the football all day, discuss mostly football or people you don't know, don't ask you about yourself / your interests / how you are getting on etc - i.e. make no attempt to get to know you or include you, you are simply an adjunct to their ds.

Your mils reply to your message was snippy and mean spirited. I think she knows that you are good natured and a people pleaser, and that she can get away with being abrasive.

Set boundaries - as it has been discussed upthread, visit them perhaps monthly rather than weekly, and if he so wishes dp can go more frequently on his own and take your baby with him.

[quote whitenoise123]@MrsMigginsMate yes she’s a nurse a surgery. My Mum is a nurse too but works in a hospital and followed all lockdown rules even though it meant she couldn’t see me for most of my pregnancy[/quote]
Hang on, you broke the rules as much as your PIL did, so it's not really fair to get high and mighty about it? Given the update of the message you sent to her I do think your MIL's reply was unpleasant, but you seem to have gone along with what everyone around you suggested without a hint of reluctance and then blamed them for not being mind readers. If you thought your mum's approach was better then you should have said you didn't want to break lockdown rules too.

What would you like to do in future, OP? If you didn't feel an obligation to go every week, what would you choose to do about visiting them? It should be your choice, not an absolute dictum from your partner and in-laws. Have you spoken to your own mum about this? What does she think?

I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did
What an almighty dickhead.
I’m sorry OP, imo it’s clear whose he is number one in your DPs eyes and it isn’t you.
I’d consider leaving him.
I really would and I know that sounds extreme but I think this will get worse over time not better and the resentment will just build and build.

[quote whitenoise123]@MrsMigginsMate yes she’s a nurse a surgery. My Mum is a nurse too but works in a hospital and followed all lockdown rules even though it meant she couldn’t see me for most of my pregnancy[/quote]
God I would hate to be her patient, how dare she take risks like that when she's in a position of caring for the weak and vulnerable. And you know you've done wrong by bending to your husband's will and going over there, it's time you stood up to them and put an end to this.

If I were in your position I would make an anonymous call to the surgery about her rule breaking. HCPs are supposed to set the example, she's being totally stupid.

How do you want it to be OP?

I adore my inlaws. They have their quirks and I have mine. I had a similar run in with my mil after first DC. She just had different expectations to mine. She expected me to jump up and offer all the time to help or do different things in her house. I expected her to ask me as it wasnt my house. It was an little chilly for a few weeks but we sorted it out once we got to know each other better. I dont see problem going to inlaws every weekend of your happy. Work on building a relationship with mil. She might be really nice but different expectations

@thelumberjack

Your DP sounds like a twat if he thinks you deserved that reply.

Her reply is rude, throughly ungracious and only going to lead to more bad feeling.

Totally agree

My Mum is a nurse too but works in a hospital and followed all lockdown rules even though it meant she couldn’t see me for most of my pregnancy

So why aren't you following them then?
What does your Mum think about the fact that she can't see you but you will happily take a small child round to see his other grandparents every week.

Your last text was too grovelling. Draw a line under it now, you need to be much more assertive and make a point of saying please / thank you consciously.
Next week end when your DH says shall we visit DP, the answer is no ill give it a miss this time, if he says why you can say I don’t want to go round every week, this can be the start of your ‘withdrawal.
I’m not surprised you don’t want to go either, being ignored whilst everyone watched football is a shite afternoon. Your MIL sounds a bit of a bully too.

@Hotchocolatewithcream

I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did What an almighty dickhead. I’m sorry OP, imo it’s clear whose he is number one in your DPs eyes and it isn’t you. I’d consider leaving him. I really would and I know that sounds extreme but I think this will get worse over time not better and the resentment will just build and build.

I don't like using this phrase as it's a bit overdone on Mumsnet but I must say I'm also getting 'red flags' from this. OPs husband should support her and combined with his still tied apron strings it's all starting to feel a bit sad. Can a man really change in his 30s that much? If he's a mummy's boy now then chances are he will be like this for life. I just couldn't live with someone who was so under their mother's thumb.

To be fair, if OP had posted saying 'my DP leaves me at home with a three month old every Sunday to go and sit in his parents' house' people would also have been outraged at that (and, I suspect, would still have been insistent that this was all MIL's fault)

Not this OP though as she's clearly said that she would be happy with that situation, the two things aren't the same

Getting over the rudeness issue, I think you should start planning weekends as a family. I can’t see how spending all weekend with parents is going to be viable in the long run.

Lockdown would have been the perfect time to put your foot down and insist you stick to the law. It sounds like you have a hard time sticking up for yourself and I think you need to tell your DH how bored you are watching football and being ignored. I wouldn’t do it, especially with a dc to stimulate and household chores to do.

Your MiL sounds sanctimonious to me with all the ‘manners cost nothing’ bullshit - and then to top it off she has Sky football on whilst guests are round!!!

Sounds like the type to think that manners are strict rules to be followed, whereas they are just conventions based around making others feel comfortable. You shouldn’t have to mind your ps and qs when round at family.

@Sertchgi123

Not another MIL thread .

Feel free not to read or comment on the thread, allow me to show you to the door.....

That's helpful Sertchgi123

Are you going to engage with the discussion rather than just make a pointless snarky remark?

I agree with those who have said that her reply sounds like she is a headmistress giving a child a stern telling-off. You say you are always polite, she says you were rude. Clearly you each have different perceptions of the situation and the standard of manners required. However, regardless of whether she was justified in her view that you were rude, it was utterly inappropriate for her to text you in those terms as if you were some sort of child in her care. That your DP thinks her message was appropriate rings HUGE alarm bells to me. Does he also treat you like a child? If not, why does he allow his mother to do so?

Also, out of interest (and I accept this is sexist)- is MIL fully participating in all the football chat?

I'd be a bit wary of suggesting your DP takes DS with him every week, or before you know it, it will Be A Thing and never to be changed...

My in-laws are a bit like this - if we do something with them twice, it's Set In Stone and we must do it for evermore! 😆