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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 07/12/2020 13:09

They sound a bit precious. You have a 3 month old baby and they worry about how much you say please and thank you to them? How old do they think you are, 5?

coffeeandbiscuit · 07/12/2020 13:09

I think the striking realisation was that I didn't have to endure it just because they're my husband's family. If any other person treated me like they did, I wouldn't bother spending time with them.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 13:10

That's not how you accept an apology. She was very rude and ungracious

reservoircats · 07/12/2020 13:10

This sounds really hard OP. You must remember that you have a right to say no. You are going through an extremely unique and emotional time in your life and you certainly shouldn't feel like you have to go to your ungrateful in-laws every Sunday. If I had to do this I would file for divorce because of how drained I'd be each week.
Do you actually get any joy from these visits to them? Do they benefit you in any way?
Your DP should be supporting you right now and you should have a discussion with him about boundaries. Cut the visits down to once a month and I'm sure you'll find the relationship improves.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 13:10

DP is working from home so has just come downstairs for some lunch. I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did

OP posts:
fatkitchen · 07/12/2020 13:11

I would reply that you think they have also been quite rude, manners are also important to you and you would like an apology.

lostintheday · 07/12/2020 13:11

I like @hannayeah's response. That is a very rude text from MIL. She clearly has not reflected on what the situation is like for you. Your text was spot on in tone, she should have responded with similar grace.

I would just go less. If she cannot appreciate the effort you make in going and spending so much time there doing what they like doing, just go less. Frankly I think you have been a saint to make so much effort with them.

Oreservoir · 07/12/2020 13:11

Your mil is the rude one. Absolutely thoughtless to expect you to sit through football all day.
I would be going one Sunday a month.

Graciebobcat · 07/12/2020 13:11

Who the hell cares whether you someone you see every week says goodbye properly when they get in the car to settle a baby? Petty twats.

Oreservoir · 07/12/2020 13:12

Just read your last post. Your dh is an ass.

Anothertiredmother · 07/12/2020 13:12

I tried for over 20 years to get on with mine and nothing I did ever made any difference. That’s 20 years I wasted my time on her. Don’t make the same mistake I did OP. Her response to you is very hostile and exclusionary in its tone. ‘We’ you etc. It’s confrontational and almost appears as it’s designed to put you in your place in the pecking order (with her firmly at the top as matriarch). I don’t see mine anymore and it’s been four years of bliss. No I don’t need to dread the next visit or unkind comment.

ekidmxcl · 07/12/2020 13:13

Her reply to your text was nasty, when considered with the text that you initially sent.

Dear MIL, thanks for your reply. I do think that spending entire days at your house could be the problem here. I am away from my household, my responsibilities and all the things that I entertain my child with and have nothing to do at yours other than watch TV. The amount of cooking you have done for us, whilst we are grateful for it, clearly grates on you as well. Next week, please come to ours and we’ll do all the cooking. Bye OP

I’ll tell you now OP don’t let these people walk on you. You sent a nice text and she replied like an anal nazi who thinks very highly of herself and crucially sees herself as above you.

LimitIsUp · 07/12/2020 13:13

"I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did"

What? You have a dp problem as well as a mil problem.

chocorabbit · 07/12/2020 13:13

Well, ask him do you deserve to spend every wekkend at their house instead of days out to the countryside? Watching football and them talking to one another and excluding you? What a cheek!

Neron · 07/12/2020 13:13

@BrumBoo absolutely, the world would be boring if we all thought the same.
'wetter than Lake Windermere in a thunderstorm' Grin

KatharinaRosalie · 07/12/2020 13:14

For example they have bought a forward facing car seat for DS from 9 months. I politely explained that I want to keep him rear facing for as long as possible as it’s a lot safer and DPs Mum just ignored me

So what happened? I hope you ignored her back and will be using the seat you want?

WokesFromHome · 07/12/2020 13:14

What gets me when I read these threads is why these men don't go round on their own. I have brothers and grown up nephews and they pop in and out of my parents home all the time on their own and they don't live round the corner. They come over, have lunch, cup of tea, watch the match and then go home. Sometimes they being their partners if they want to come but it is more often than not.

I do hope that when my DS's are older they just rock up and fridge gaze and have some lunch. No one has to sit there on the sofa on a duty visit in silence with the clock ticking in the background.

P.s. Your MIL should be very welcoming to you and understanding that you have just had a baby. If I sent my sons GF a message like that he would be very upset with me.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 13:14

Agree with HannaYeah 13:06 reply

MrsMigginsMate · 07/12/2020 13:15

I'm still shocked by the update that MIL is a nurse and you're breaking lockdown rules to visit her every weekend.....did I read that right?....a fucking NURSE??? Angry

DinosaurGrrrrr · 07/12/2020 13:15

You are spending too much time with them, why are you giving up an entire weekend day when you have little in common and don't appear to really like going to see them? I have little in common with my in laws and so see them maybe 3 times a year, they are quite rude and interfering too so I just don't engage. I honestly could not think of anything worse than spending an entire weekend day with them. I'd cut the visits back personally, weekends are for spending time with your husband and the baby, let your husband FaceTime them instead, that's what my husband does.

ekidmxcl · 07/12/2020 13:16

And if not, send him and the baby without you on Sundays. Why subject yourself to people who are judging you like a headteacher judging a naughty student. Anyone who would send that text to a 24yo, following your nice text, is someone with a stick up their arse.

If you let them walk on you now, they’ll do it for decades. People don’t change. I’m in my 40s and needed to know this 20 years ago.

Yohoheaveho · 07/12/2020 13:16

@whitenoise123

DP is working from home so has just come downstairs for some lunch. I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did
Then his first loyalty is to his mother Not to his wife and child he's tied tightly to mommy's apron strings and he will always do her bidding
giantangryrooster · 07/12/2020 13:16

Bloody hell op, your dh is not nice and supportive, he is a mummy's boy. Granted he is used to his mum's/family's way but he should have your back.

IT IS NOT YOU THAT ARE IN THE WRONG, you can expect to be treated nicely, you are not the only one who has to bend over.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 13:17

[quote chocorabbit]@BrumBoo
Absolutely. It is the height of rudeness to have the TV on when you have guests but many people still leave it on. I didn't come to your house to watch soaps which I loathe Confused[/quote]
We have very young children, so sometimes we have something quietly on in the background for them if I'm trying to have an adult conversion. My FiL is a pain when he visits though. He expects the TV to be turn over to Sport Of The Day when he visits, then promptly falls asleep. Why bother visiting family if you're going to do exactly as you'd do at home?

ekidmxcl · 07/12/2020 13:17

He’s bloody wrong. All he wants to do is go back to his parents’ house on Sundays so he can have a break from being an adult.