MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

Ok, if your 12.29 post is your second reply, you've done a hell of a lot of grovelling. Now it's time for her to make it up to you for being so unkind in reply to your first apology. I'd still be seeing less of the rude cow

I think she's the sort of woman that will make out you NEED help that is unasked for and then is offended if you don't fall down with thanks every two seconds. Just stop going.

OP I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here. You're clearly polite to them but not super warm, as you aren't being treated by them as part of the family.

Has your DP ever lived far away from his family? I'm guessing not. You are being conveniently slotted into his pre-you life and, as you say, you're expected to go along with it.

As someone said upthread, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. Until you see that, you'll keep going in circles trying to make friends and keep the peace with her, when really it's your DP and his attitude and priorities that need sorting out. He is not supportive. Saying nice things to you but expecting you to sit and watch football at his parents' every weekend, and siding with his parents over every disagreement is not supportive.

You're not married and have a child - I hope you've not given up work, and your house is jointly owned/tenanted???

@Hardbackwriter Oh, I missed that. OP's baby is only 3 months old, though - unlikely to be over 9 kg?

Op, I got called aloof by my (ex) mil. It doesn't mean I was (or you are) rude. It means they have a different family dynamic and spend much more time together. Why else would your dp facetime his mum EVERY evening. You just expect different things. Neither way is wrong. I used to go three months without seeing my mum.

Just leave your dp to it. Choose to do a class on Sundays for some 'me time's and let him go alone. Much more comfortable for everyone.

OP why do you just go along with whatever your DP wants to the extent you will break lock down for him despite following lock down rules in respect of your own parents?

Is it your lack of backbone or does he react badly if he doesn't get his own way?

Either way you need to address the underlying issue here otherwise you are going to be very unhappy. This is about so much more than how to reply to his mum.

Aw, OP i really feel for you.

I think you need to talk to your DP - tell him what you've told us. And that we have all said spending time with people who aren't nice and welcoming to you once a week is shit and you don't have to do it.

(also - check out whoever is playing and then find something juicy to say about the players. Extra points if it's a team they support)

Your MIL is a very unpleasant snd rude woman.

This is your future, OP, cow-towing to this trout and your DH playing the unsupportive spouse. Think carefully about your next move

Don’t keep going. Tell DH you are tired and getting used to being a mum, and you would like to change the dinners to every 6 weeks, as that works better for you. He can go alone if he wants - or take the baby (only if you feel okay about that).

I would not spend time in the company of someone who spoke to me like that, you are not a small child. You are an adult and you do not have to spend time in the company of people you feel uncomfortable around.

Agreeing to do it every 6 weeks is a very kind compromise on your part.

we used to visit a lot when I was pregnant and even before that. I just thought it was nice he had a good relationship with them even though I can’t imagine wanting to see my parents that much.
FIL is generally more welcoming than MIL. I really appreciate it when he does make the effort with me.
I always say please and thank you but I admit that I find it hard to join in when the conversations are just about football.
To be fair, DP does ask me if it’s okay if we go round to their house but I feel like I need to say yes.

Look at your last sentence. Why do you feel you need to say yes? This should be your starting point. Be honest. Say no! Let him struggle with the kit and baby and go by himself if he is so keen to go. Tell him you would welcome a breather, some time to yourself.

Also, talk to your partner about how excluded you feel when the talk is all about football. He should be making an effort to involve you in the conversation. He should be making more of an effort all round to support you!

I find the lack of thank you comment a bit OTT. Everyone knows kids crying is stressful and besides the closer you are the more you just get on with things. Overly formal thank yous and apologies aren’t normal in family surely?!
I don’t expect formal thank yous from my extended family, a quick “thanks for lunch”, yes but if they forgot because a baby/child was screaming I wouldn’t take offence. We’re all family, we all help each other out.

@BrumBoo Thank you for the applause. Was it a special slow clap?
I haven't missed any key points at all, I have thread the whole thread. OP has admitted to being rude, standoffish and just sitting there in silence. She always hasn't said thank you or goodbye at times. You can be a 'wet lettuce' and still have basic manners.

This was instigated by the DP, who thinks OP is rude to his parents. MIL hasn't said anything until now, and that text wasn't rude.
The language OP uses is a bit exaggerating such as MIL hating her, not being welcome and the situation 'exploding', yet the PIL think they have been welcoming to her.

@whitenoise123

This is what I sent MIL to warrant such a reply from her. I think it’s clear who the rude party

Hi .........,I’m just messaging to apologise for how I was today. I just struggle a bit sometimes since ....... has been born and don’t always realise how I have come across. It was never my intention to offend you or ....... or to come across as being rude.

I was rushing slightly when we were going home tonight as I wanted ...... to settle as soon as possible so I hadn’t realised I had been a bit abrupt until ......pointed it out on the way home.

I really didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry again :)

Honestly, I think she is a bully and you sound ground into submission.

A quick “thanks for today! [baby name] did settle eventually, phew!” text would have been fine.

[quote Neron]@BrumBoo Thank you for the applause. Was it a special slow clap?
I haven't missed any key points at all, I have thread the whole thread. OP has admitted to being rude, standoffish and just sitting there in silence. She always hasn't said thank you or goodbye at times. You can be a 'wet lettuce' and still have basic manners.

This was instigated by the DP, who thinks OP is rude to his parents. MIL hasn't said anything until now, and that text wasn't rude.
The language OP uses is a bit exaggerating such as MIL hating her, not being welcome and the situation 'exploding', yet the PIL think they have been welcoming to her.[/quote]
Well I guess we just have different opinions on what constitutes rude behaviour. I'd think that even asking if someone was coming around during lockdown was laughably rude, but the op felt the need to pander to it anyway. I'd also think that having the football on whilst you had people over was embarrassingly rude, but again different strokes and all that.

To be honest, I'm thinking this whole thread is just a goady wind-up at this point. Too many drip feeds, and an OP wetter than Lake Windermere in a thunderstorm. Nah, not really buying it anymore I'm afraid.

I wouldn't go anymore after that, let your DH take the baby and go on his own. There is no way I could stick going to any relatives for the whole of Sunday every week. I'd go mad. Especially if you don't like each other.

Also baffled by this thread! DH calls his parents most nights and before lockdown saw them weekly. One of his endearing qualities is how much he treasures family.

I find them hard work, but they are important to DH so I make an effort for his sake. Just because they are not my cup of tea doesn't make them bad people. I'm likely not theirs

OP, they MIL doesn't "hate you". I was surprised to read you are in your 30s, you sound much younger.

@giantangryrooster

Your response is very submissive. I think you need to stand up for yourself a little. (I know your dh and pils won't like it, probably why he chose you). Set some boundaries .

I agree. And you saw OP, how she responded. Now OP you have realised that some people are NOT killed with kindness. Your MIL is the kind of person who will NEVER admit that she has done anything wrong but will add your admissions to her faults bank about you. Let her know how you feel and what to expect and do NOT pre-negotiate it with your DH. You don't need his or his family's approval. Something like: "Since you were honest with me, let me be clear and TBH with myself. I have spent hundreds of hours at your house being sidelined and ignored and being forced to watch football. I have never mentioned anything out of politeness but instead I am being accussed of being rude. Engaging with your guest, especially since they are expected there every single weekend with the demand to spend a whole day and the insistence to stay for dinner too, doesn't cost anything. Since no effort has been made I might space out my visits with and take the time to do something else."

And tell your DH that he can't shut off. This relathioship includes TWO ADULTS and he HAS to listen to your opinion and not force you to trail behind. It is also very rude that he publicly embarrassed you by trying to show that you were rude. This thing can wait and can be discussed later at home.

Have you asked him about spending the weekend away, sightseeing? Like MOST OTHER COUPLES who do not hang on to their parents every time they have some holiday time? I would be sarcastic and ask him "so are we not meant to go anywhere because we might offend your mum?".

Very very poor message from her. A smug chiding rebuke of the kind delivered to a child. I would set a new precedent where your partner goes round on his own every other week.

There's no need to drag this out or 'clear the air'. Your DH pointed out you'd been rude. You apologised. She accepted your apology and pointed out it happens quite a lot and as a family they notice because they value manners.
Yy it's not nice to have your own bad behaviour pointed out to you but saying please, thanks, bye - are a minimum expectation. Considering how long it takes to get organised to leave with a baby ie putting outdoor clothes on, making sure you have changing bag, etc, there are lots of opportunities to say goodbye. The fact that in the midst of all that organising, you didn't say 'bye' does seem deliberately rude. You obviously resent the time spent with them even though you also spend time with your DM. It isn't demanding to expect basic manners. It doesn't mean she hates you. If you struggle to join in their conversation, think of some conversation starters before you go eg about your baby; take some photos to show them; etc. No-one will win if you try to turn this into a battle because you're embarrassed (even though MN loves to encourage big family showdowns) . Accept the criticism. Learn from it. Move on.

Also football would kill me, I'd literally die of boredom.

She could have been gracious and understanding in her response. Instead she took the chance to score a point against you.

I’d reply like suggested above except change the ending and don’t burn down the whole house:

like "I'm sorry if sometimes I forget my manners, it isn't done with malice, I'm just distracted with the baby and forgetful sometimes. I found your message surprising as I have tried hard to build bridges with the family by visiting every weekend but honestly it’s a bit awkward and challenging now that the baby has come. I don’t enjoy football and it’s stressful to spend a full day away from the things I need to be doing at home for my family to get ready for the week. So I hope you’ll understand that it’s just not possible for me to spend every Sunday there or for us to stay so late when we do.”

Well, something like that. Needs som tweaking. And I’d be tough and call instead of writing. You need to stand up for yourself now, or this woman is going to walk all over you.

@Robinelf I would not spend time in the company of someone who spoke to me like that, you are not a small child. You are an adult and you do not have to spend time in the company of people you feel uncomfortable around.

This is a lesson I only came to understand in the last few years in regards to my ILs. I allowed them to inflict a great deal of damage before realising I did not have to put myself through it. We have a much happier life for it and my partner still sees his parents and siblings with the children. I'm still working through it all and building my confidence again, but it really was the most empowering move I made and I'm very pleased I did.

Parents belong in the rear view mirror
Not right up in your face controlling your life

@BrumBoo
Absolutely. It is the height of rudeness to have the TV on when you have guests but many people still leave it on. I didn't come to your house to watch soaps which I loathe

@OllyBJolly I’m not in my 30s. I’m 24, DP is 30