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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of nagging DH to just be a functioning adult!!!!

196 replies

Youngatheart00 · 07/12/2020 09:10

It’s making me miserable and it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve been together year and my share of the ‘domestic labour’ is just rising. We don’t yet have children and I’m worried for that day!!

Examples of what I keep reminding him to do - pay his credit card bill (he’s had 2 late payments in the last 6 months - given I pay half of this and the money is always in his bank account way ahead of the due date winds me up even more), send a lovely Xmas card to his grandpa who’s in a nursing home (been nagging on this for a week - even bought the card!!!), it would take him 5 mins to write it and I don’t even mind posting it. That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.

He will do the jobs around the house he ‘wants’ to do (he does 75% of the cooking for eg as he enjoys it) but other things seem to left to me or it becomes so painful reminding him I just end up doing them myself.

I don’t want to be a nag 😫 but it’s getting me down. Any advice?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 09:13

Don't have a child with a manchild.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 09:13

What happens if you keep quiet? Let him look a scruff, miss his relatives birthdays... You are not his dm but will quickly fall into the habit of being one if you don't stop ASAP.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/12/2020 09:15

Why isn't his credit card on a direct debit?
I do cards for DH but he works insanely hard, much harder than me.
But if he didn't work harder than me then I'd just let him not do it and he's no one to blame but himself. Which is what I do for things that aren't actually important.

Aalvarino · 07/12/2020 09:15

Yes - stop thinking of yourself as a nag and start thinking of giving him an ultimatum on the housework. Sort it out or I'm off sort of thing. And re the credit card make sure your credit histories are in no way connected. And then leave him to the non-household stuff. Why are you paying half his credit card bill by the way??

Rainbowx · 07/12/2020 09:18

Yabu to do it all for him op leave him to do it if it doesn't get done not your fault!

UghNotThisAgain36 · 07/12/2020 09:18

Make sure your contraception is as good as you can get it. God knows why you'd want to sleep with this manchild anyway.

You will resent him more and more while you are having to act like his mother. Posters will come along with 'does he have ADHD/ASD?' but some men are just selectively helpless. Does he hold down a job? If he can do that, he can organise his own personal life.

Mischance · 07/12/2020 09:20

75% of the cooking sounds good!

I spent a lot of my married life reminding my OH of the sort of things you are describing. Then I thought - why am I doing this!?

So the only things I would ask about were household chores that I wanted him to share. As to the rest, doctors, relatives' cards etc. I just let it wash by me.

If his credit card is in his name, then leave him to get a nice pile of interest - that will concentrate his mind.

The more you mother him the less he will do.

I decided that my OH could make his own choices about how or how often he made contact with his relatives - his family, his decision. As to the elderly grandpa - if you would like to send him a card, then do it. Tell him what you have done and he can send one himself if he wants to.

Coriandersucks · 07/12/2020 09:21

Why do you feel so responsible for his personal life? You’re not his mum. If he doesn’t want to do those things it’s up to him and if you don’t like it then you’re not compatible. He’s not going to change you know.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 07/12/2020 09:21

Leave him to it. He's an adult and can manage - he just doesn't need to now because you're doing it for him.

Though 1 year in and this is a guy who is financially irresponsible, lazy in the home, lacking in terms of the way he treats other family members and careless about his own health. Why the fuck are you with him and why on God's earth are you even thinking about having children with him? He sounds utterly pathetic.

Mischance · 07/12/2020 09:21

"Selectively helpless" - I like that!

ChasingRainbows19 · 07/12/2020 09:22

Late Payments will have a negative effect in credit history so be careful if considering mortgages/shared credit. He needs to set up a direct debit for the card.

Sit down and have a conversation about how you live and what you expect from each other from chores to finances. Everyone’s different in relationships. But you need to make him aware of what stresses you and how you would like things to work. Some compromises may be needed.

I’m lucky we naturally found jobs we preferred in the house so it’s a pretty good split. My partner completely organises his own affairs as do i. We aren’t married and don’t have kids so it’s our own money with shared bills.

Things like cards/gifts etc for his family should be his responsibility though. If they don’t get sent it’s him who looks bad you aren’t his nanny.

Original poster
Youngatheart00 · 07/12/2020 09:23

Yes he holds down a good job and frustratingly he seems fairly organised at that. So he is capable - selectively helpless is a great description.

I know I should just leave him to it with things like the card, but I just think of how much his grandpa could do with the cheer up - in his mind if the card gets to him Xmas day it’s fine - but in my view the earlier the better as he has then more time to ‘enjoy’ it (it’s quite a special card linked to where we live). But perhaps I’m overthinking it.

It’s likewise with Xmas presents. I end up buying a bulk of his families because he just leaves it til the last min and buys the same old thing every year whilst his family buy really thoughtful gift and it started to embarrass me.

Our credit histories are linked and I am worried his late payments are going to stop us getting a bigger mortgage to move house next year.

I don’t want to ‘LTB’ - there’s a lot I love about him.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2020 09:25

Is your name on the credit card? I'd be extricating myself from that one. Can you get azero interest one on your name only and transfer half then stand over him as he does the same then you keep the joint one locked away?

Then I'd leave him be. If you stop finding him attractive then there are consequences to that.

But mainly dump him and date a grown up

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2020 09:26

Cross posted.

I'd do everything you can to unlink your finances. Can you afford to take over the payment and him pay you? How do you sort paying all other bills? Why isn't it on a direct debit?

user191245365 · 07/12/2020 09:27

Well, if you change nothing then nothing will change.

Grenlei · 07/12/2020 09:30

Credit card should be on a direct debit, if neither of you have worked that out you're both as bad as each other.

Why are you policing when he has a haircut? Surely he can decide that himself and just take himself to the barbers. Most of them do walk ins so it's not even like he'd need an appointment. And in the current situation with lockdown etc loads of guys haven't had regular haircuts.

Housework - we're all different when it comes to household chores. I have friends who vacuum and mop floors daily, clean their bathroom every time they use it etc. Conversely I have others who do that stuff when they remember or if it looks dirty, about once a month roughly. I tend to do this weekly. So it's important you talk about this, agree what's to be done and how frequently and divvy up tasks between you. Write a chore chart together even. And if then he doesn't do it, you have reason to complain.

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 07/12/2020 09:30

My advice would have been don’t marry a child, but it’s too late for that. My next advice would be don’t have children with a child.

TwentyViginti · 07/12/2020 09:30

I don’t want to ‘LTB’ - there’s a lot I love about him.

Resentment will buid up though, as you find yourself mummying him more and more. A sure passion killer.

Original poster
Youngatheart00 · 07/12/2020 09:31

All our other bills are on Direct Debit. We have a joint account as well as our own personal accounts. I actually earn considerably more and work longer hours. But his job is MORE IMPORTANT 🙄 (mines a bit soulless corporate whereas he helps people.....but still).

At the start of the weekend I said (calmly) right - don’t jump down my neck but there’s 3 things needs done this weekend (plus these are my errands, for context!) - can you just make sure they’re sorted so there isn’t a huge stress next week. As far as I’m aware they haven’t been done and now he’s back to IMPORTANT JOB THAT CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED. And this evening he’ll be ‘too tired’ and I’ll get snapped at. He probably will cook dinner though which I’m grateful for. But honestly I’d rather cook my own and have him just take responsibility for being a functioning adult.

OP posts:
UghNotThisAgain36 · 07/12/2020 09:31

If he is organised at work then he is deciding to pile the 'wifework' on you. How do you think he'd cope if you had a child? Would he still expect you to run his life while expecting medals for cooking 75%of the time while you are recovering from birth and feeding his offspring?

He knows what he is doing. People like that don't change. I bet he reacts hurt and incredulous when you raise his lack of input into the household?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2020 09:33

Why isn't the credit card on DD tho? It's a joint account so you both need to increase the amount you both put in, surely.

How old are you both op?

Original poster
Youngatheart00 · 07/12/2020 09:34

The credit card I mentioned is in his own name. I’m not on the account so I can’t set up a DD. But we used it for a large purchase last year so I agreed we’d pay it off jointly hence why I transfer £200 a month to him when I get paid. But he seems to think ‘right due date is 7th of the month therefore I’ll pay it on the 7th’ and gets pissed off when I ask him on the 2nd of the month if it’s paid. I found a late payment letter on the kitchen table last week. so he clearly forgets on the due date. When I remind him of the consequences I just get made to feel like a nag.

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 09:35

That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.
You nag him to get a haircut or book to see his GP? Why would you do that? If I said I needed to get a haircut or see my GP and my DH nagged me to do them, I'd think that was very strange behaviour on his part and more so if he then got fed up of nagging and booked them for me. Your behaviour is very controlling.

Any advice?:

  1. Stop nagging.
  2. Do not do things in place of reminding or nagging him.
  3. Treat your DH like an adult because if you treat him like a child he will behave like one.
  4. Sit and calmy discuss these things and seriously consider (before you have any children) whether you may just be incompatible.
gamerchick · 07/12/2020 09:35

OP you would be mad to have babies with this person. So maybe enjoy it for what it is and then leave him for a grown up to have a family with.

Just stop and cook your own tea so he gets the message.

billy1966 · 07/12/2020 09:36

You are with him a year and you are behaving like his mother.

Why would you behave like this.

Unbelievable that you would be buying his familys presents after a year!

I'm married nearly 30 years and I don't do that.

You sound as if you have rushed in and are desperate.

Value yourself more.
Focus on yourself.

He sounds like he would be very tedious to have children with.

Are ye living together already.

It all sounds very rushed.

Have a think OP.
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