Fed up of nagging DH to just be a functioning adult!!!!

[Youngatheart00]

It’s making me miserable and it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve been together year and my share of the ‘domestic labour’ is just rising. We don’t yet have children and I’m worried for that day!!

Examples of what I keep reminding him to do - pay his credit card bill (he’s had 2 late payments in the last 6 months - given I pay half of this and the money is always in his bank account way ahead of the due date winds me up even more), send a lovely Xmas card to his grandpa who’s in a nursing home (been nagging on this for a week - even bought the card!!!), it would take him 5 mins to write it and I don’t even mind posting it. That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.

He will do the jobs around the house he ‘wants’ to do (he does 75% of the cooking for eg as he enjoys it) but other things seem to left to me or it becomes so painful reminding him I just end up doing them myself.

I don’t want to be a nag 😫 but it’s getting me down. Any advice?

I'd think carefully about this relationship OP. It's really hard when you have children to have to shoulder the total load, and he really doesn't sound like he'd be supportive or do any of the less glamorous jobs. It can lead to a lot of resentment.

It's exhausting being the only parent/housekeeper, and it's not easy doing that and trying to earn a living as well (I know single parents do it but without the resentment of looking after a fully grown adult too), so your career would be affected too. Is this how you want to see your future?

You have to stop caring so much about the “embarrassment” he causes by not buying the right presents or sending a card on time - to his own family. He doesn’t care about that stuff - you do.

And be prepared to just accept his actions if you really want to stay with him. You’re actually enabling him with the nagging - why would he think for himself when he has a life notification alerts in human form (you).

Careful having children with him though. If he “can’t” change then be prepared to do everything. Actions speak louder than words and he clearly thinks that all the grunt work is you job, so good luck with that!

Stop using the word nagging, for starters. It's a sexist and misogynistic term that is only ever applied to women.

You are absolutely right to be worried about his credit card payments. I've recently seen my dad and a friend badly stung by these kinds of issues with their divorces.

Rather than asking him to do things ad hoc, you need a proper conversation. And address things head-on but calmly. For example, do use the term 'mental load'. Do say that everything is important and it is not constructive, or respectful, to allocate levels of importance to different things.

Some tough love here - I appreciate it though.

Neither of our mothers had careers really, I think that comes in to it.

Plus all this talk of children, I don’t know if I will be able to have children after an ectopic last year and so I think my self worth has been impacted by that too.

Make a copy of this thread and look back at it in 10 years time when you are thoroughly bitter about how much he chooses to let you do and how much nagging you are choosing to do.

Lots of women here can write you the script......

For the credit card send your share to him every month. Then pay no attention whatsoever to anything else.

If he is the type to fuck his credit rating then you need to know that. If you have children you won't have time to manage his basics for him and the consequences could be far more damaging than a few late credit card payments. Let him sink or swim. Do not sit him down and tell him he needs to pay the card on time. Do not sit him down and explain the consequences of late payment. He is a grown up. He knows. Stay in your own lane.

Or better, don't be there in 10 years time

He sounds exhausting

@Youngatheart00

Yes he holds down a good job and frustratingly he seems fairly organised at that. So he is capable - selectively helpless is a great description.

I know I should just leave him to it with things like the card, but I just think of how much his grandpa could do with the cheer up - in his mind if the card gets to him Xmas day it’s fine - but in my view the earlier the better as he has then more time to ‘enjoy’ it (it’s quite a special card linked to where we live). But perhaps I’m overthinking it.

It’s likewise with Xmas presents. I end up buying a bulk of his families because he just leaves it til the last min and buys the same old thing every year whilst his family buy really thoughtful gift and it started to embarrass me.

Our credit histories are linked and I am worried his late payments are going to stop us getting a bigger mortgage to move house next year.

I don’t want to ‘LTB’ - there’s a lot I love about him.

Write the card and tag as being just from you. Problem solved

I don’t want to ‘LTB’ - there’s a lot I love about him.

It sounds as if there's a lot you don't like about him and would like to change. You want someone who picks presents carefully, who is efficient about setting up appointments, who sends Christmas cards weeks in advance and who sorts out his credit card. It's not wrong to want those things and he's not (entirely) wrong not to do them. Stupid and short sighted re. the CC but the rest is pretty much personal preference.

You cannot change him but you can change your reaction. Don't nag about things that only really concern him. The haircuts and appointments that are his, are his. Stop managing or mothering him. Don't ever do a shared purchase on his CC again.

Then honestly I'd have a very long think about how much you really do love him. I've seen my parents' marriage. Your DH sounds rather like my dad, who is now in his late 70s and hasn't changed in over 50 years of marriage. I very much doubt your DH is going to change and even if he tries to a bit, I suspect you'll find him slipping back into old habits very quickly.

@Youngatheart00

All our other bills are on Direct Debit. We have a joint account as well as our own personal accounts. I actually earn considerably more and work longer hours. But his job is MORE IMPORTANT 🙄 (mines a bit soulless corporate whereas he helps people.....but still).

At the start of the weekend I said (calmly) right - don’t jump down my neck but there’s 3 things needs done this weekend (plus these are my errands, for context!) - can you just make sure they’re sorted so there isn’t a huge stress next week. As far as I’m aware they haven’t been done and now he’s back to IMPORTANT JOB THAT CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED. And this evening he’ll be ‘too tired’ and I’ll get snapped at. He probably will cook dinner though which I’m grateful for. But honestly I’d rather cook my own and have him just take responsibility for being a functioning adult.

Well then cook yourself but only for yourself and be like “sorry those jobs didn’t get done, I’m going off my head so depressed, had to have both portions”

If marriages require work what work is he doing?
I would stop transferring money for the payment. You’ll do it when he asks him. If he gets sniffy point out you do do it when he asks you, and maybe he can get annoyed if you wait a week but you would be well within your rights to wait a week and he can see how bloody annoying that is.

Think about holidays, days out, Christmas. It my dhs mums side xmas picnic Sunday (not in the uk before the COVID police pounce). I have zero plans for the food we are taking. Why would I take on the enormous load of planning and preparing our Christmas food contributions to the 5 family Xmas events we have between us on my own? Ditto cards and presents for Christmas or birthdays. Ditto booking and planning holidays.

Just to point out - a 'nag' is not a real thing, it's a construct made up by the patriarchy to shame women who are trying to ask men to carry out their fair share of labour.

I've recently had a baby and I've heard so much from my peers who have realised only now how shit their husbands are, and it's hard for them.

@Youngatheart00

The credit card I mentioned is in his own name. I’m not on the account so I can’t set up a DD. But we used it for a large purchase last year so I agreed we’d pay it off jointly hence why I transfer £200 a month to him when I get paid. But he seems to think ‘right due date is 7th of the month therefore I’ll pay it on the 7th’ and gets pissed off when I ask him on the 2nd of the month if it’s paid. I found a late payment letter on the kitchen table last week. so he clearly forgets on the due date. When I remind him of the consequences I just get made to feel like a nag.

Well you can. You can say “ I’m going to sit here with you/ go with you while you set up that direct debit”

Sorry to hear about the ectopic pregnancy. I hope he picked up the mental load while you were recovering physically and psychologically. I suspect he didn't.

Now is the time to reset yourself.

Get out of your fifties mindset.

You do not need him to be on board, to agree, to even know you are changing how you react to the life shit.

It could be mindblowingly liberating for you to teach yourself to act like you are both adults. At first he will be confused then, hopefully, he will start behaving like an adult man, a partner you can lean on, who can pull extra weight when you can't. If he will not or cannot step up then you need to know asap so you can find yourself a man who is capable of partnership or resign yourself to being a martyr or to hiring a lot of help.

OP I think you've had some harsh replies, but I could have written your post - but I'm probably 10-15yrs ahead of you and this issue is threatening to end our marriage. As you have said, lockdown has amplified lots of issues for couples and this exact issue has been the long running theme but now I'm so resentful its very hard to pull it back.

My advice, however you go about it, is try to resolve it now. Whether you just "let go" of these sorts of things - reminders, cards/present for his family, or whether you have a conversation about what is a sensible divide of "admin" etc, just try to sort it out.

Sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy

Things like his family's presents and his grandad's card - sorry but drop it. His family, his business. You ARE nagging there i'm afraid. If you have a relationship with them and it makes you want to do nice things for them, do it off your own back, in your own name. Otherwise it really is just a case of mind your own business.

Likewise his haircuts and medical appts (unless he has a health condition which is impacting on you e.g. if he's depressed and moody, or a symptom is that he's always 'tired' so can't do anything around the house). If he starts looking scruffy and horrible, then you can tell him quite honestly you don't find that attractive and call of sex until he sorts it out. But you're not his mother, how he presents himself is no reflection on you and therefore no business of yours beyond how it makes you feel about him.

Re the joint debt, I'd hammer that until the cows come home and he can moan all he likes. Wait for a moment he's doing nothing (idling on his phone, watching his stew bubble, whatever). Transfer your share to him and then say "The money is in your account, let's pay the credit card right now" and don't stop whinging until he does it. If he blows up point out he's got nothing better to do, it's 15 seconds on his phone (presuming he's got a mobile banking app) and it has a direct impact on you if he doesn't do it on time. Have the argument if you must. Then next month do it again. It's an absolute non-negotiable that he doesn't fuck up your credit rating through laziness. If that;s the hill he wants to die on your marriage means nothing.

I say all these things as the less 'functional adult' in my partnership - my DH is very very organised to the point of a personality disorder, and tbf the more he tries to foist it on me the more I dig my heels in and want to live a more free-wheeling 'it'll happen when it happens' kind of life. So I make a strong distinction between things that affect him that I prioritise (paying bills, arranging home improvements, chores) and things that do not (the large mound of un-put-away clothes inside MY walk-in wardrobe). There are things I will take criticism on board for and things I will not. We have come to this understanding to avoid killing each other.

I think you would be wise to detach a little from the things in his life that don't affect you personally and leave him to get on with them, but absolutely double down on the things that do affect you (e.g. debt, unequal distribution of household chores). By being targeted you will avoid the appearance of endless nagging and actually free up your headspace a bit by not assuming responsibility for his whole life.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where the male partner has the well paid corporate job and the female partner has the poorly paid job that involves helping people and doing good, and where both halves of the couple consequently consider her job the important one.

...yeah nope. His job would 100% be "the important one" because "he makes the money".

OP everyone has said all the useful practical things already, with which I agree (let the shit that doesn't affect you go, stop managing him, require that he step up on the stuff that genuinely affects you like your credit), but I think you do need to reflect on to what extent you actually do have quite a sexist model of gender roles in your own head and are actively perpetrating it. I imagine he managed to get haircuts before he met you and wouldn't have hair down to his feet in a year if the two of you split up.

There's a line from I Don't Know How She Does It that keeps coming to me: "Every martyr needs a [DH] who, given time, can be trained up not to recognise his own underpants."

Just saw your post re ectopic - I'm very sorry xx

Good luck having children with this one! If you do (foolish move IMbitterO) then take your current irritation and multiply it by a bazillion and that's the resentment you'll be left with. Don't say you weren't warned...

Just stop chasing him up on things that are his responsibility and his alone. It's his decision and responsibility when or if he sends his grandpa a card. You overstepped the mark by buying the card in the first place.

It's his body so he can decide when and if he goes for a haircut and also when he books medical appointments.

As for the credit card bill, I'd probably remind him of that as that could affect you if he runs up huge debts.

Stop saying "nag" or "nagging". That word makes my skin crawl. It's used mainly by men to bring down women who are simply asking their partners to do their fair share of the work.

Him doing 75% of the cooking does not mean that he is exempted from other tasks. It's also irrelevant whether he wants to do something or not. I don't like cleaning the toilet or hoovering but they have to be done. There needs to be a fairer allocation of chores going on.

Do not have a baby with this pathetic manchild. He is never going to change so you'll be carrying the same physical and mental load as now and you'll have a baby to deal with too. He might be an "amazing Dad" as so many women with shit partners post on here, but probably only when the baby starts to become a bit more interesting when they are 3 or 4, and then he'll only be an "amazing Dad" because he plays fun games with the child - usually involving running around, chasing each other and screaming and the game ends when child smacks its head off the corner of a coffee table and "amazing Dad" calls for you to mop up the blood and deal with the distraught child.

Just don't... get some decent bloke instead.

The credit card I mentioned is in his own name...we used it for a large purchase last year so I agreed we’d pay it off jointly hence why I transfer £200 a month to him when I get paid

Right, so the purchase cost for example 4k so you owe 2k that's 10 months. If it's an interest card add that one. Then transfer the money each month / set up a limited DD to cover your half.
Tell him you have no intention of nagging him to pay the bill, you'll send your half each month but you are not responsible for any late payments he accrues. Once your "2k" is paid that's it.

Grandpa I'd probably say can you write it now (hand pen and card) or I'll send it just off me. I'd put his name on for Grandpa's sake but it might shift him.

If he doesn't want to get his hair cut or see the Dr then that's on him. If that means he's unattractive to you because his hair is ratty and his teeth are rotten then you're within your rights to tell him that, but I'd seriously stop telling him how to adult. It will really put you off having a sexual relationship with him if you are parenting him.

Chores etc needs a conversation about respect and possibly a chores rota

I had an ex like this and it is mentally exhausting when you have your own personal life stuff to sort.

I would put a reminders board up somewhere in the kitchen/Hall with notes on like that after telling/asking him once then leave him too it.

“ That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.”

Don’t do this. He’s an adult.

Don’t have DC unless you’re all right with counting him as one. You won’t be doing it alone, you’ll be doing it impeded by a child who won’t ever grow up.

“ I end up buying a bulk of his families because he just leaves it til the last min and buys the same old thing every year whilst his family buy really thoughtful gift and it started to embarrass me. ”

Why is it embarrassing? His famiky, his gifts to sort. If they open gifts in front of you, be clear you didn’t choose it.