Fed up of nagging DH to just be a functioning adult!!!!

[Youngatheart00]

It’s making me miserable and it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve been together year and my share of the ‘domestic labour’ is just rising. We don’t yet have children and I’m worried for that day!!

Examples of what I keep reminding him to do - pay his credit card bill (he’s had 2 late payments in the last 6 months - given I pay half of this and the money is always in his bank account way ahead of the due date winds me up even more), send a lovely Xmas card to his grandpa who’s in a nursing home (been nagging on this for a week - even bought the card!!!), it would take him 5 mins to write it and I don’t even mind posting it. That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.

He will do the jobs around the house he ‘wants’ to do (he does 75% of the cooking for eg as he enjoys it) but other things seem to left to me or it becomes so painful reminding him I just end up doing them myself.

I don’t want to be a nag 😫 but it’s getting me down. Any advice?

Read the book "Fair Play" and implement this system! It changed my relationship dynamic!

You see this shit played out on here all the time: he leaves lion's share of work/mental load to OP. Kids get thrown into the mix and he ends up doing even less. Then Mr Incapable magically can do shit like personal grooming and organise his time - for the OW because the OP has become 'boring'. Not realising he's made her boring because she's carrying the load of all the dull day to day chores and childcare he didn't fancy doing and funnily enough she doesn't have the time nor energy to be dynamic and sparkly.

Not saying this will happen to you OP but it definitely happens to plenty of women and it starts off like this.

I echo others comments. Dont have children with him if this is not sorted. You will split up over it. With young kids you are more irritable, there is more mess, more jobs and you're more tired...if you are starting to resent his laziness now it will increase 10 fold if you have a child and you have to spend what little free time you have sorting him out as well.

What about when you have children and his far more important job means he’s ‘too tired’ to bath the kids or tidy up or do bedtime. Or you’re nagging him because he hasn’t changed a nappy or fed the kids breakfast or bought a present for the latest birthday party, or sterilised bottles. Don’t underestimate the mental load.

Having kids tests your relationship as it’s exhausting and relentless. You’ll resent him if all he can muster is cooking because he likes it.

Oh god this kind of thread makes me sooo glad to be single.😂

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

You see this shit played out on here all the time: he leaves lion's share of work/mental load to OP. Kids get thrown into the mix and he ends up doing even less. Then Mr Incapable magically can do shit like personal grooming and organise his time - for the OW because the OP has become 'boring'. Not realising he's made her boring because she's carrying the load of all the dull day to day chores and childcare he didn't fancy doing and funnily enough she doesn't have the time nor energy to be dynamic and sparkly.

Not saying this will happen to you OP but it definitely happens to plenty of women and it starts off like this.

Totally agree with this. You become the boring nag who is always going on about dull stuff like organising PE Kits and car insurance. Dull Dull Dull.

If the card is in his name and buying things for him, it won't affect OP.

Yes it will as they are married and if they tried to get a new mortgage or any joint finance, they may find it very difficult if his credit rating is trashed. That is why I asked if he could be doing that deliberately - there aren't many people around who would fuck up their credit record like this for no apparent reason other than laziness. If OP intends to stay with this manchild his credit rating will affect their options in the future.

What do you think would happen OP if you stopped reminding him of daily admin shite? Would he mess up a few times and miraculously sort it or would it be All.Your.Fault?

And how would he react if you say he either pays his CC by DD or you are off as you don't want to be stuck with such a loser?

Set up a standing order with your own bank to pay the money you owe to the credit card. Hopefully it will be above the minimum monthly payment so you need never worry about it again.

Then stop doing all the chores you don’t like. That’s what he does. Why shouldn’t you. When there are no clean plates or shirts he’ll soon notice.

At which point you can tell him that if he doesn’t pull his weight you’re leaving him.

And follow it through. Sometimes it’s the only way they will learn. Or not. Either way you will either have a partner who is just that or be single looking for someone who will have your back. He won’t.

Can he use a notice board as a reminder. You're not alone taking on the mental load it is pathetic many women have to do it.
It's now a non argument in this house he is useless at organising things unless for himself.
He has many good points or he'd be gone though it is frustrating.
I don't organise anything for him he is booking a blood test the past 2 years.

OP, you've had so much good advice here, but I'm concerned you're not really listening to it

Yes it will as they are married and if they tried to get a new mortgage or any joint finance, they may find it very difficult if his credit rating is trashed

You're right, @lockdownalli. I had erroneously assumed a divorce into the equation!

OP,

He has you well trained already.

Unfortunately I don't think you get it.

The amount of work involved with young children is mind boggling.

He will be a lazy selfish father and leave it all to you.

You have been warned buy possibly won't be happy until you are up to your eyes in children and doing it all.

You are going off him sexually, well get used to loathing and despising him.

Because that is what is ahead of you.

Within months of the new baby you will begin to realise what a complete waster he is, but by then you will cauggt with a young baby.

He is a selfish waster.
You deserve better but if you don't believe it yourself, you simply will just have to resign yourself to a hard, miserable, bitter life.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, don't every forget that.
This is very DELIBERATE on his part.

It will never get any better @Youngatheart00

You need to learn how to deal with it so things don't bother you as much.

I used to get so annoyed at late payments & charges. Nagging only frustrated both of us so I took a step back & made my dh switch all his bills to his sole account & go paperless. I don't know if he's late paying, it's his problem.

Does your payment towards credit card cover the min payment? If so pay direct to the card.

With his family, do what you are prepared to do. I buy gifts for all our nieces & nephews & send cards. It's not their fault. Adults, if it's a crap toiletry set bought on Christmas Eve, that's on him.

If you have kids, you will be solely responsible for all the care & mental load. You need to decide if that's something you can live with as resentment will only get worse as the years go on, believe me.

My dh had the most stressful 8 weeks if his life a few years ago when I ended up in hospital & home recovering, unable to do anything.

Suddenly he had to sort school uniforms, packed lunches, school appointments, food shopping & cooking. He had to take on the mental load & he found it incredibly difficult.

Good luck x

@eckhart Yes - I can see why

I think Christmas is Peak Wifework Season.

@Eckhart why don’t you think I’m not listening to it? I am!!!

I’m not going to post on MN in the morning and initiate divorce proceedings in the late afternoon!! I’ve got a lot to mull over.

Sorry the above should have been @notanothertakeaway

Stop. Stop Doing it all, his doing of jobs and his thinking of things. You need to stop now while you still can. I know people with partners like this -years down the line they do less not more. You are showing him that the less he does, the more you do. And it doesn't really matter what you say 'please do this...' if you then do it.
Another important man with the Job (which will require admin by the way) that becomes clueless when it comes to basic tasks. Hint-he isn't clueless but he knows you'll fix things.
Let that bill go unpaid
Stop booking his appointments
Send a note to his grandpa yourself, from yourself
Let him know you'll be doing the above. Stick to it. Suck up the pain (it's going to kill you with frustration to ride this out).
How he then acts is who he is. Make your choices at that point accordingly and with your eyes open - it doesn't have to be LTB, it might even be an acceptance that you will do all of it, as the trade offs are worth it.

But make that choice as a choice, because this is a path trodden by millions of other wives before you- and it doesn't change on its own.

The work situation would bother me. Specifically his selfishness and Big Man Work prioritisation.

It is good old fashioned internalised sexism, which would leave me not wanting sex and feeling a bit kicked.

Men like him are hopeless, and they don't change. Either be prepared to hand hold him through life or end it. This would drive me crazy. A marriage is a team affair and can't afford to have one person carry the other

Take your time OP, you're not obliged to follow a course of action prescribed by MN according to their schedule.

But do take on board people's posts, you've had some really good advice.

Good luck 🙂

OP, just out of curiosity what do you think his reaction would be if you...

Write the stuff down thats bothering you.
Sit him down and say look, can we talk, theres something i need to get off my chest, i've written it down to try and get my words out, can you please not say anything until i've finished.
Read out the list and finish with:
"This is making me unhappy and making me feel like your mother which makes me less attracted to you. You are a smart man and can handle things in your job, so you can handle this stuff. I am not prepared to do all the mental organising or keeping track of things OR the physical effort - we are a team and i feel like you are taking advantage of me picking up after you. It also makes me worry that if we have kids, i'll be doing all the work. We are equal and out of respect for me things need to change as this is making me unhappy. I will no longer be sorting christmas presents, thats on you (or any other stuff that has no impact on you practically) and i need to see an improvement on the other stuff."

Take a leaf out of his book and just do the jobs you fancy. Start talking about how big and important your job is. How your mind is zapped after big important meeting so you couldn't possibly do anything else today...

@TDMN that’s probably what I’m going to do.

What strikes me is that we’re not even talking about joint domestic chores, the examples in your OP are just his stuff! There’s no need to take that stuff on.

For the joint stuff, you should think about what YOU can change. In your case I would look into separating credit histories and tell him you’re doing this, so you can buy a house one day whether or not he steps up and becomes a partner.
In my case, i could particularly step back from things dh cared about. He SAID he didn’t care - planning an amazing 6 week travel holiday he said that’s fine all sounds good whatever works I don’t know yadiyada and when I lost it he said I really don’t care. So I said it’s too much work for me if you don’t care, we can do 2 weeks in a local beach town instead. You book flights, I book a resort and done. Turns out he cared. He wanted the amazing holiday minus the effort. Fucker.
One particularly big blow up I told him the only thing I could change was my impact on his time. I couldn’t make him find the time to do these things but I could do my bit for freeing up his time and I wasn’t going to socialise and go out and hang out with him more until these things were sorted (major things like are we paying our rent). Plus it’s increasingly unappealing to spend fun time with a man who gets extra fun time to himself because he thinks you’re the secretary housekeeper.

YABU for doing bullshit wifework that he doesn’t choose to bother with. Just organise your own stuff. Whatever you decide about the relationship, just stop facilitating him!