Fed up of nagging DH to just be a functioning adult!!!!

[Youngatheart00]

It’s making me miserable and it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve been together year and my share of the ‘domestic labour’ is just rising. We don’t yet have children and I’m worried for that day!!

Examples of what I keep reminding him to do - pay his credit card bill (he’s had 2 late payments in the last 6 months - given I pay half of this and the money is always in his bank account way ahead of the due date winds me up even more), send a lovely Xmas card to his grandpa who’s in a nursing home (been nagging on this for a week - even bought the card!!!), it would take him 5 mins to write it and I don’t even mind posting it. That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.

He will do the jobs around the house he ‘wants’ to do (he does 75% of the cooking for eg as he enjoys it) but other things seem to left to me or it becomes so painful reminding him I just end up doing them myself.

I don’t want to be a nag 😫 but it’s getting me down. Any advice?

@Youngatheart00

All our other bills are on Direct Debit. We have a joint account as well as our own personal accounts. I actually earn considerably more and work longer hours. But his job is MORE IMPORTANT 🙄 (mines a bit soulless corporate whereas he helps people.....but still).

At the start of the weekend I said (calmly) right - don’t jump down my neck but there’s 3 things needs done this weekend (plus these are my errands, for context!) - can you just make sure they’re sorted so there isn’t a huge stress next week. As far as I’m aware they haven’t been done and now he’s back to IMPORTANT JOB THAT CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED. And this evening he’ll be ‘too tired’ and I’ll get snapped at. He probably will cook dinner though which I’m grateful for. But honestly I’d rather cook my own and have him just take responsibility for being a functioning adult.

I'm not sure what's to love...

@Youngatheart00

Some tough love here - I appreciate it though.

Neither of our mothers had careers really, I think that comes in to it.

Plus all this talk of children, I don’t know if I will be able to have children after an ectopic last year and so I think my self worth has been impacted by that too.

Don't blame mothers!

My DH is considerably older than yours and his mum didn't work (nor did mine)
He more than pulls his weight around the house (there's more to be done than cooking) and deals with his own family/friends without prompting. And no bill would ever be paid late under his watch!

Your DH is more than capable and is actively choosing not to what needs to be done.

Don't do it for him.

If you don't get this sorted now, you will waste years in growing resentment until you've finally had enough and LTB, after your love for him has been worn away by his selfish selective helplessness.

Stop taking even the slightest interest in things which are (or certainly should be) solely his problem - haircuts, appointments, presents for his family etc. Then point out that it's not ok for him to only do the chores he likes. Get him to agree to a division of tasks and then you do not do any of his tasks. Tbh though - I'd still find it very depressing being married to someone whose behaviour I had to manage like that.

OP honestly you need to take a giant step back... I was with a 'man-child' for over 10 years and it was painful. He also thought my job was "unimportant" even though I earned four times as much as him and paid for everything - more fool me. He also had certain jobs that he liked - he liked doing the garden, so he did that, a lot. He did like vacuuming, but other stuff he left to me, which I wouldn't have minded so much, except he played it down all the time. Everything he did was important, everything I did was minor. Even when we lived with his parents for a while, I ended up 'paying' his mother, as he wouldn't bother. I 'felt bad'. I used to treat his mother, and buy presents and remember birthdays. It felt so so good when I stopped. And they didn't care anyway - they were the kind of family that didn't really bother with that kind of stuff - so he told me - so I said, ok then, and just took a big step back.

OP you need to take a long hard look and decide if the way your DH is NOW, NOW THIS MINUTE, is something you can live with. You wont be able to change him, or influence him - he's shown you that he "is the way he is".

If you still love him and see a future with him accepting all these things then, fine.
If not, you need to start really looking at what he brings to your life, and if it's enough to put up with the other stuff, cos that is not going to change, trust me, it will only get more ingrained as he gets older and more set in his ways.
Definitely don't worry about his hair, lol, or his credit card....

I think you need to drop the rope to be honest, this situation isn't helped by you bending over backwards to do all these things. Trust me, I've been there! Send gifts and cards, but let them just be from you. Detach from his credit card and let him deal with the credit hits. If he doesn't remember to have a haircut or go to the GPs - let him! You need to adjust your expectations and realise that he's an adult, so stop managing him.

As for stuff that needs to doing around the house that he's neglecting... Maybe an app like Tody that you can both download and divvy up tasks with could be useful? That way his are there, black on white and will show how overdue they are.

But first - speak to him about all this! Focus on how you feel, not on what he's not doing and tell him things need to change or it can't continue like this. Then implement all of the above and let him know that this is how things will work from now on.

Only one answer: stop nagging him then. Why have you taken it on yourself to feel responsible for his haircuts, GP appointments and family cards/presents? Let it go. Free yourself from giving those things a moment's consideration. Let him sort it. It'll be fine. If it's important he'll learn. If it's not then you shouldn't have been stressed about it in the first place.

Household chores, divvy them up so it's more equal. Let him do his share at his own pace (within reason). Don't constantly nag. My DP has learned that some of my household responsibilities might get done some time later than he would do them and he has learned to deal with that because a floor that's gone unhoovered for a week isn't going to harm anyone.

He’s not doing it because you are doing it. Just stop. Let him face the music.

For the love of God don't breed with this ineffectual fool.

He's leaving all of the mental labour as well as much of the physical labour to you because he knows you'll do it. You aren't responsible for his family or for him, he is.

He only does the cooking because HE enjoys it and not because it makes life easier for you. He's a selfish tosser.

Think long and hard about your future with this man-child. Is this how you see yourself continuing ad infinitum?

Don't expect him to change because he never will. I gradually ended up doing/organising everything because XH couldn't / wouldn't, and now his current wife is doing the same because "he is useless" - her words to DC.

There is always a main cardholder on the credit card, so if that is him, then your credit shouldn't be affected, but his will be by every late payment. If he isn't bothered by that, then ask yourself what that tells you.

He could set up a standing order or a direct debit for a specific amount per month, so there is no excuse for the payment to be late.

You could send your payment directly to the card by bill payment. The details are always on the statement. I would do that and then you know that your share is paid, let him deal with the rest.

Op I'm 13 years, 2 kids and a marriage into a relationship exactly like this. My advice is not what you want to hear but it will only get worse and you will end up resenting him.

I do. I love him don't get me wrong but it's not an equal partnership to feel constantly like everything is my responsibility. Right down to reminders over paying bills, gifting for his family, reminders to call them. If I didn't specify little thing it wouldn't get done, and even still often it doesn't.

Seriously consider what you want your life to look like in ten years time. If it isn't the same as it is now, or worse if you have kids, then deal with it now. He won't change but you can always walk away if there's no strings.

dh is a bit like this. selective functioning. he can do his job, but the house stuff and things for the kids, that generally falls down to me.

i stopped sorting out christmas gifts and birthday gifts for his side of the family a while ago and its made things a lot easier for me.

there was one awkward christmas where i had told him he was responsible for getting his dads gifts as i was doing everyone else's, he knew this, he agreed to it. and when his dad came to ours fro christmas, along with my parents, there was no present for him. because dh had forgotten.

it is seen as wife work i think. dm certainly thinks i should be the one doing everything. but he lived alone before we were together and managed to do the house things himself.

Yabu with very low standards about what you think your worth is to be even considering partnering with this lump.

You are enabling him.
You are selling yourself so short - how many hours of your time have you spent doing things for this tosspot or thinking about things he needs?? What is your hourly wage? What could your hourly wage be if you weren't pumping your energy down this sink hole??

Get rid.

Do the maths, estimate how much time you spend on him and multiply by your hourly wage. Worth doing that labour for free???

Oh my god OP I could have written your post. Its fucking exhausting. Look up the 'mental load'

Case in point for me (and I could write a fuck ton but conscious it's your thread, just want to show you're not alone!)
DH bought a car on finance nearly a year ago. He's had nothing but warning lights and an ear splitting grinding noise. I spent months and months going on at him to contact the garage he got it from, it's still under warranty and theyve clearly fucked him over. Went on and on. Still the car is fucked. Well I've given up. I told him a few months back i will not be nagging him anymore about it, it's his car and when it packs up completely don't be thinking you're using my car.
It's actually been very liberating.

Fuck him OP. If he doesn't sort his credit card out that's his credit file he's messing with. Appreciate it's easier said than done but really it has done me the world of good.

The credit card I am just gobsmacked by. Do you have a mortgage? Do you have any idea the kind of impact this is likely to have on getting one??? He is reckless with your financial security and for that alone i would drop him like hot coal.

I recommend reading Wife Work. It's old and I don't like the final chapters but my god the first few chapters opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself and why.

Cooking is fun and relaxing, if you like doing it. It's a tiny proportion of the total domestic load. The real question is, who cleans the toilet?

Why do you accept that his job is more important than yours? It clearly isn't. That's just a way of you both saying that his preferences and values are more important than yours, that he is more important and valuable and special as a person than you are. Unless that's what you actually believe, why would you choose to base your life together on that lie?

My spouse and I have been together since we were teenagers and there was a period in our first decade together where we both fell into selective helplessness in different areas that we relied on the other person to handle. Some of that was just us falling into natural strengths or our fears, but over time it needs to be rebalanced.

Fixing it does require both people to be involved and it can't be one person shoving the other to do it. That's a recipe for resentment on both sides. It can help to discuss joint goals.

With the credit card and the goal of buying a bigger house - look at your credit report which may be being dinged by his late payments. You can do this free now, my spouse and I get monthly updates automatically sent to us. Discuss ways you can both work towards the goal - one of which being that credit card bill on direct debt a few days before it's due. Some of it may still fall more on one person than the other, but having time to talk about and figure out what you're doing together is important in a marriage.

With household chores, the goal can be a less stressful house or enjoying the home more. Discuss what each person is having issues with and figure out how you can both deal with it. My spouse was fed up of the kitchen being a disaster before he makes dinner, I was struggling to maintain certain areas of it because of wrist pain and not shutting off work - we got tools that made it easier for me and I have a phone alert to take a work break and give it a clean up before my spouse gets up. We've set up routines for the kids and for ourselves to deal with our house goals of being more comfortable and decluttering with hopes of moving soon.

For presents, just send what you want, when you want. If you want to send a card now, do so. It's your family now too and you can send your grandfather-in-law a card. The most I do is send my spouse links to thinks I think someone might like when I come across it and I'll tell him if I'm buying/making something from the younger kids (with older relatives, we used to send photo books or similar as they liked physical photos. Bit awkward getting those back after they died). It only reflects on you if you're letting him be your only representation. Same with haircuts & appointments.

If he won't get involved with rebalancing things because his job is oh so important, then you're not really a team. No amount of love can fix that, and kids only push things more out of balance if both parents are not actively working to keep the team working together.

My STBXH is similar and yes it did cause resentment and killed any passion as I felt like I had an extra child. When we split he immediately went overdrawn on his new personal bank account and couldn’t believe he’d racked up huge charges. The issue is you have very different attitudes to money and responsibility. When I got married I didn’t see that as a huge issue because there were many other great things about him. But his attitude to your job / work / money / responsibility matter hugely. As someone who is going to have to hand over equity to someone who contributed much less I would also say I wish as the higher earner I hadn’t got married. I would have had a very different life if I had married someone who pulled their weight. You get fed up always having to be the sensible one. Our situation was more extreme as he ‘ran’ his own business but it was a disaster as he had no organisation skills or work ethic. Whereas I was doing work, childcare, house stuff and all the mental load of finances, planning gifts, holidays etc. It will wear you down. You can’t help who you are and he probably won’t change. It seems like a small thing at the start but it does mean you aren’t as compatible as you think. It is selfish. I think men like this pick partners who are sensible and hardworking so they don’t have to be. If he has been in debt in past and indulged by his parents I would also say those are big warning signs the behaviour is ingrained. I get being embarrassed. I lied for years about what a disaster his ‘business’ was and how little he contributed. Who wants to admit they chose a dud life partner. Of course the more I compensated to keep up appearances the less he did.

His appearance and medical care are HIS responsibility alone. Same for things like sending cards and prepping gifts for his relationships. I don't think you should be getting involved here at all.

The cc bill is affecting you unless you make the deal that he pays any interest. And leave him to it. And do suggest he sets up a DD.

But seriously, your examples sound quite motherly. He may not care about the same things as you and won't prioritise his haircut at exactly the same the as you. Leave him alone about those things.

SAVE YOURSELF! Do not have a child with this man. You will end up incredibly overburdened and resentful, and facing a choice of going it alone and doing everything, or having two children, one of whom is a fully grown manchild.

There are loads of lovely guys out there who will pull their weight. Demand better.

You are not "nagging" FFS! Honestly he sounds like he is still about 16 and living with his Mum! You need to sit down with him and explain that 1 /you love him very much ,and are pleased that he cooks well .However 2/You do not want all the Grunt work! You have been together for a year and this is a good time to set the boundaries ,otherwise you will be like so many wives left with an unfair load! Maybe Saturday mornings could he do the hoovering maybe ,and a wash (sheets /towels etc)Likewise he needs to manage his own banking! Make a list of chores divvied up .Do not make the mistake of doing them for him if he doesnt do them though!

Reminders are helpful, but if he doesn't want to do something and you KEEP reminding him, then you are a nag. Stop. Let him make his own choices. If he misses his credit card payment, that's on him, not you. If he doesn't want to send Christmas cards, that's his choice. Yes, it would be nice for him to send his grandad a card, but he doesn't have to do it just because you want him to.

If you have a child, you won't be able to stand on the side and let them lose out, so you will end up doing all the work.

If he doesn't want a haircut, he doesn't want a haircut but putting your JOINT finance in difficulty is not acceptable.

Does he have a job? Does he manage or is it a general theme?
If you can hold a job, you can manage life. If he choses not to bother, can you bear the work on your own forever? I couldn't.

It's really sad when people waste their one precious life being disrespected and treated like a skivvy because they think it's all they deserve.