Fed up of nagging DH to just be a functioning adult!!!!

[Youngatheart00]

It’s making me miserable and it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve been together year and my share of the ‘domestic labour’ is just rising. We don’t yet have children and I’m worried for that day!!

Examples of what I keep reminding him to do - pay his credit card bill (he’s had 2 late payments in the last 6 months - given I pay half of this and the money is always in his bank account way ahead of the due date winds me up even more), send a lovely Xmas card to his grandpa who’s in a nursing home (been nagging on this for a week - even bought the card!!!), it would take him 5 mins to write it and I don’t even mind posting it. That’s just a couple of examples - there are more - like getting a haircut or booking medical appointments which are a similar battle.

He will do the jobs around the house he ‘wants’ to do (he does 75% of the cooking for eg as he enjoys it) but other things seem to left to me or it becomes so painful reminding him I just end up doing them myself.

I don’t want to be a nag 😫 but it’s getting me down. Any advice?

Send the card from you alone. ‘I saw this and thought of you etc etc etc’. Far more meaningful then being written by someone who isn’t thinking about him at all and has to be forced to write the card.

Resentment will buid up though, as you find yourself mummying him more and more. A sure passion killer
I agree with this.

He's not doing it because its just not important to him and how much it bothers you isn't important to him either.

I think a ‘proper sit down conversation’ is needed about life management in general. He will go on the defensive though or point out the cooking. We get on so well otherwise and no more so than on holiday when no chores need doing
A relationship where you get on well when you have no points of contention is not a strong relationship. Anyone can do that.
His approach to you when you raise issues is a really bad sign. Couples who have good relationships know how to manage disagreements constructively. They are also ones where they can influence each other. You have described a relationship where neither of these things happen. Read 7 principles of a successful marriage.

I don't think a chat about life management will help. You have already described that he doesn't listen.

I was like you, "I love him, if only this bit would change, I just need to find right words - then he will understand and change" No. The problem isn't that you haven't found the right way to have 'the chat' the problem is he doesn't care enough to listen or accommodate you.

The cracks in a relationship are split into wide open chasms when you have kids. I really wouldn't with this man. I would seriously think about whether you want to stay with him,. You seem to have a pretty fair weather relationship.

Choose what hill you want to die on! Leave him to organise his own hair/gp appointments etc , they don't impact you at all. I'd find it irritating in the extreme if DH nagged me about that kind of stuff. Credit card, A different story, could affect credit history, so get that on a dd and then leave him to it. Relations gifts etc , his to organise, I'm a bit like him in that I wouldn't be thinking I was late sending a Christmas card in the first week of December, but each to their own.
Relax and chill a bit , perhaps you mind find with less pressure he might stop pushing back, and get on with stuff.

If he won't get involved with rebalancing things because his job is oh so important, then you're not really a team. No amount of love can fix that, and kids only push things more out of balance

Yup.

Please don't ignore what mumsnetters are saying OP. I did, because I 'loved him'. He's now the person I have more contempt for than anyone else on this planet.

@IWillWearThatGlitteryWoolly

Can I come at this from the other side?

On paper, my DH is much like yours - shit hot at his job, much in demand, feted by his boss, etc. A lot disorganised at home, mostly a day late and a dollar short unless I lean on him / put serious organisational scaffolding in place, or it affects him directly through one of his passions.

18 months ago our 16 year old DS was diagnosed with ADHD and two days ago so was DH. The "shit hot at his job" is an illusion based on constant terror of failure and losing his job. He is good at what he does but has to force himself to concentrate on it so hard, there is nothing left to give at home unless I do the thinking. Money is a particular flashpoint - I took over managing that after a clanging error with a credit card and some debit I didn't know about - and the more pressure is put on him to do something, the more avoidant he becomes. We saw this first in DS, which is how we got his diagnosis, because I didn't want to raise a child who needed him Mum to ring him to make him get up for work at the age of 27.

Examining DS's behavioural traits has led to looking at DH's. He tends to swing between remorseful and defensive about things that go wrong, because he never intended to let them slide but there was always a shiny thing over there. He has spent two days on the meds and it has been life changing. There is another thinking, noticing adult in the house who Just Does Things.

Could this be your DH's issue?

I don't think you're reading the room right, sweetie. He's a man, therefore he's definitely in the wrong, he's cheating, and he's a cunt.

(Even though you are likely to be quite correct)

Don't do it. You are not his mother. Get your own CC and pay your own bill. Let him pay his. His responsibility to be nice to his relatives. His responsibility to sort out self care.

But also, do recognise the value of what he does do. Having to suddenly take on the burden of cooking every night - that's a big job if you don't much enjoy it. I appreciate so much that DH has gradually over the years taken over half the cooking duties.

I had a DP who never sent his family cards or gifts. It embarrassed me. I took an early opportunity to say to each one, in person, that DP and I operated a "you do your family I do mine" policy. They all understood. I felt much better. I did start sending my own cards and gifts to his DM after a while as our relationship became meaningful to me.

I married a man child and it’s been a long, hard road to get where we are today but he is much better now, 2 kids later. There has been a lot of arguments and me threatening to leave but he now does the majority of things without me nagging. We still have the occasionally humdinger when he procrastinated too long but now I have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I write any jobs that crop up that are extra to his usual. I leave it there a week then it gets underlined, then another week it gets double underlined in red. At this point even the kids are saying ‘oooo mum’s going to go ballistic with you’ and this makes him do it to avoid the inevitable row. It’s the best I’m going to get with him now I think.

Personally I would cut my losses here and definitely not have children with this man.

If you're going to stay though, you have to get out of the mindset that you are house-manager/mummy.

Cards & presents for his family, appointments, haircuts - his business, don't get involved.
His credit card - transfer the money when he asks but don't get involved in payments. Keep your finances as separate as possible.

You do the more important job and work the most hours, so he needs to pick up more than half at home.
Go through everything that needs doing to keep the house running and split it between you.
DON'T split tasks - assign whole tasks. Eg if he does the cooking that means he does all the meal planning, shopping, and cooking. Don't get involved at all. If food management is a failure it's his failure.
And make sure the jobs he gets are the ones that are really obvious/can't be ignored.
If his job is cleaning bathrooms or hoovering, then he can probably get away with skipping it for a couple of weeks and it won't cause him any issues, he won't care if the toilet's filthy.
If his job is laundry and he skips it and he has no clean work clothes, then that actually causes him a problem so he's motivated to do it.
He does for eg shopping, cooking and laundry, you do cleaning, mowing the lawn and car insurance.

Ok, this sounds very frustrating. In my view though you need to stop acting like his parent. Your nagging is probably frustrating for him as well.

You have chosen this man - there must be things about him that you love?

At the end of the day, if you can't accept him for what he is then you probably shouldn't be in the relationship. He's not likely to change. Maybe he needs to be with someone a bit more easygoing and you need to be with someone a bit more grown up and sorted?

Also I am wondering why you feel the need to nag him about things like sending a card to his grandad?

Sure, it's a nice thing to do, but it's HIS grandad and HIS relationship with him. Why are you getting involved?

You are projecting your own opinions of what your partner "should" be, instead of accepting him for who he is. It's not a good basis for a relationship.

@Covidfears

I married a man child and it’s been a long, hard road to get where we are today but he is much better now, 2 kids later. There has been a lot of arguments and me threatening to leave but he now does the majority of things without me nagging. We still have the occasionally humdinger when he procrastinated too long but now I have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I write any jobs that crop up that are extra to his usual. I leave it there a week then it gets underlined, then another week it gets double underlined in red. At this point even the kids are saying ‘oooo mum’s going to go ballistic with you’ and this makes him do it to avoid the inevitable row. It’s the best I’m going to get with him now I think.

Bloody hell. That sounds like hard work. You must love him!

I was you, OP. Pre kids - I was happy to carry the load, remind DP of things, do 95% of the house stuff, all life admin. My DP also liked cooking. I didn't really mind. Obviously all situations are different but what I know is that men like this don't change when babies come along. It becomes worse - have you fed the baby? Have you changed the nappy? Have you got them out their pyjamas? Brushed their teeth? He will not keep on top of that either. Going out for a while and leaving him with kids will require military planning to make sure everything is ready for the kids before you go as you won't be able to rely on him to do it properly. It is exhausting and will make you so angry when the time comes. You alone would bear all of the mental load for the kids while he kicks back and acts like a teenager. You won't be able to rely on him to remember anything. He sounds immature and lazy - yes that's my bitter experience but please don't see it as your job to fix this situation - it is his.

It sounds like he's failing his probationary period before you consider him for promotion to father. You don't want to leave him. Will this all magically improve when life becomes more demanding with children because (some reason) or will he become more 'acopic' and you will become more unhappy at having to mother him? If you have a magical solution then please share.

The thing is, I’m not particularly ‘high maintenance’. I’m not some kind of household nazi with perfectionist standards (ok...for some things, like clear bathrooms, I am! So I do it myself). Neither do I feel like I am asking for an unrealistic model of a man. I just want him to behave like a functioning adult and keep his affairs in order.

The thing about no longer finding sexually attractive is very real. If he can’t be bothered to go to the dentist or have a hair cut, it doesn’t show very high standards or reflect well on how much he wants to impress / respect me.

There IS a lot I love about him though, he does little thoughtful things from time to time and he was really caring when I had health issues.

But you’re all right, I need to stop ‘mothering’ (before I’m even a mother)

I think you either need to choose not to give a or move on. You wont change him. My DH is much like yours on paper - he's rubbish at self admin and housework but is an amazing dad and works really hard.
I dont buy gifts for his side of the family or send cards. If he doesn't do it, then his family wont get anything.
Haircuts and med appts - Up to him!
We've met in the middle - I now try and 'mother' him less and he does more of the house admin.

And his job is more important than your because (reason). And it's more important than making you happy (not that it's his job to make you happy but it is his job not to actively make you unhappy). Will it be more important than doing the bare minimum for children, let alone keeping them happy.

Being positive, it sounds like you need a discussion with substantive change and a recognition of what having children involves (and also if you have ill-health and would need to rely more on him). If not then hard decisions and an understanding of sunk-cost.

Good luck.

You're incompatible. He has every right not to get his hair cut, or pay his credit card bill, or to send a card to his grandfather.

You not liking it doesn't give you the right to tell him what to do.

I think you should just leave to him the things that are specifically for his benefit. It's up to him whether to get a haircut, to arrange medical appointments, or to send cards to his own family (unless you yourself are close to them). As to his bills, maybe he should have a separate account for these - so long as you don't have a real reason to wish to control excessive spending. If you treat all his personal arrangements as your responsibility, he is likely to do the same.

t’s likewise with Xmas presents. I end up buying a bulk of his families because he just leaves it til the last min and buys the same old thing every year whilst his family buy really thoughtful gift and it started to embarrass me.

Why? Why do you think his lack of respect for his family is a reflection on you? It isn't.

You absolutely need to stop all the Wifework immediately and let him flounder a bit. The only dealbreaker for me would be the poor credit rating he is determined to create. Is there a reason for that? Is he worried you will want to move/buy a bigger place he thinks he cannot afford? I would tell him you are going to stop nagging him about all the non essential shite, but if he doesn't put the credit card on DD, you are out.

I don't get why he doesn't set up his own DD, it takes 5 minutes. Then you don't even have to think about it.
Personally I'd dump him, the childcare will be all yours, the night feeds and nappies will be all yours, the housework will be all yours.
I was married to someone like this for 20 years and it ended in divorce because I was plain knackered and in the end hated his lazy guts.
He has moved on with someone else as if I never existed and she is doing all his life admin by all accounts.

@mellicauli Personally, I do not find meal planning, shopping and providing meals creative or rewarding, and I do care whether the bathroom is clean - but if someone else has a different preference that is fine too, the point still stands about assigning whole tasks not parts.

Have you noticed that you're defending yourself? Against what?. First thing you need to do is start believing, really believing, that a fair split of household chores is the absolute minimum you should expect. He knows his inaction in the house upsets you. He doesn't care enough to change - that is the harsh truth. Although I have to say that personally, I don't think anyone should do things to their appearance for anyone else, though. That's his bailiwick.

If you have kids with this man, I guarantee this will get worse. You will become resentful. Been there, done that. And mine wasn't even as 'bad' as yours is. At least he was OK with money! Whatever you do, if you do end up having kids with this man, do not cut your working hours or get a job "to fit round the children". Way to shoot yourself in the foot in the future - yes, been there, done that, too!