To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

So sorry OP, has he always been childish?

He's now trying to turn it on you to excuse his actions.
I wouldn't bother with his phone or checking for more details. Any man who spends family money at a strip club whilst his wife is at home and then blames her when she expresses her feelings is not a man you want to be with long term.

I think you're pissed that he went full stop. (as I would be). Do the details help?
Spending £400 is another kick.
The lying is another.
Then blaming you is another.

I'm sorry op. What a child he's being. He needs to own his mistakes. Is he even sorry, or just lashing out at you still?

Thank him for his offer of a divorce op. His clearly a shit from his response.

He thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to pay for dances because your distant working. Fuck him off. In the bin. Your life will be much easier and happier.

@porcelaine

Ok, that link about tier 2 strip clubs not being open. He is adamant this is where he went and now I am HUGELY confused. Did someone on here say a club near them was open atm? (Liverpool Street)? It did seem unlikely to me that they’d be open in covid but why would he come out and lie about this? He’s in his early 30s, to the person who asked. Not a kid, not on a stag do. It’s the absolutely disgusting waste of money and the fact I didn’t think he would disrespect me and our marriage like this when he knows it’s a bottom line for me. I’ve hardly slept at all. Tbh not to drip feed but we have had a bad year, we separated over summer and I said I’d give it another go in September, so it’s not taken him long to go and do something like this. The entitlement of it.

Sorry OP - it seems he's sent you a very clear message about how hard he wants to work on the marriage and how much he appreciates all that you do for him.

Sorry op. He doesn't care about your feelings. HE is in the wrong, yet has the audacity to threaten you with divorce in order to control you / keep you in line. It's all about him. He has no respect for you. I'd be seriously considering my options as you're right he is a child that you cannot rely on.

He’s threatening divorce? He is?! Fuck that bastard, take him up on it. The absolute disrespect of the twat. He doesn’t appreciate you, he doesn’t appreciate the family, he doesn’t give a single shit about making your marriage work.
I’m so angry on your behalf.

Get ducks in a row and show him the divorce papers. Hugs

@porcelaine

He said it was actually 2 private dances and he also bought one for his friend. He INSISTS they kept their underwear on. Like a lot of pps have said, I’ll never know will I. I’m tempted to ask to see his group chat with those mates, to see if his remorse is even genuine or what they discussed about it. But I guess, what’s the point. Anyway I was furious this morning, so upset, and he wouldn’t leave it alone. Then it turned to “I did it because you’re so distant”. MY fault. For being “distant”. For context I am a ft working mum who is also writing a book. I have a deadline for year end so I’ve been staying up late a lot to work on it as it’s the only time I get, I spent this weekend while he was out juggling kids and the house while finishing a 10k word section. Last week I planned him a lockdown birthday, spent a lot of money on his present and we had sex (which we do often), he’s not hard done by and I do what I can to show him he’s appreciated. Fuck, this just hurts so much after the year we have had. When I said I needed time to process it he started threatening fucking divorce. I’m sitting here thinking what kind of a child did I marry, and why did I think he’d change into a good guy?

“Change into a good guy”... you can’t change someone’s behaviour. They need to want to change, deep down, on their own accord. I’m sorry OP that you’re married to gaslighting selfish child :(

He’s a scummy bastard who supports the abuse and trafficking of women and girls.
Get rid, you deserve so much more than a man who obviously hates women.

it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie

he claims it was ONE dance and the lady was wearing her underwear

He said it was actually 2 private dances

So your husband is progressivelly "admitting" to more and more? That's the classic cheater's playbook. Deny everything, when that doesn't work admit to a "little" thing and hope you believe it, rinse and repeat.

At this point I would assume he's done a lot more. Like a previous poster mentioned, penetrative sex is unlikely, but nude lap dancing/grinding is probable.

That said strip clubs are very good at parting men from their money. And this can include outright card fraud, more so in eastern Europe but I bet seedier British clubs do it too. On the money side of things, it's believable he never deliberately spent anywhere near £400. Regardless, that needs to come our of his money. And I'd say he should leave his debit card on the joint account at home, he's proved he can't trust himself with it.

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

When I said I needed time to process it he started threatening fucking divorce.

Frankly I’d be taking him up on that - why stay married to this man?

Sounds like a good idea rather than a threat!

Yeah I'd be welcoming the divorce tbh.

It’s not that simple. Kids love him. We’re in a rental contract that doesn’t finish til next October. I don’t know that I can afford it on my own. I have hardly any support network locally or otherwise and emotionally I just don’t know that I can take another separation or the stress of divorce. I know I sound incredibly weak but that’s how it is. I feel so rubbish today. I cannot understand why he would do this knowing the consequences.

DEALBREAKER

I dont want to echo the room any more than I have to; but the fact that he took the money out with no consideration for anyone would be the end.

This close to christmas too.

What the hell. Can you go to parents OP?

Because he doesn’t think there are any consequences I think. Sorry OP

For those of you clutching your pearls, you’ve obviously not worked in the sex industry or been close friends with anyone that has.

I don't know what that is supposed to mean? I know former sex workers and former strippers and some of those are the ones who would have a no tolerance policy to men going to strip clubs because they think men are pigs after working in them and find it very hard to trust them after that!

Op my love - he does this because he does not really care how much it hurts you and he does not respect you. This is what is making you feel rubbish and sad.

Leaving a relationship (if that's what you want) when you have kids is stressful and hard. But staying in a relationship where you are treated with contempt is soul-crushing (in my experience). The decision is yours and you don't need to make it today or share it with this board - but have your eyes open. Stay if you want to, but be aware of the cost you will have to pay.

I cannot understand why he would do this knowing the consequences
This is going to sound blunt, but it's not intended to be awful. He's done this because he is so confident you will accept his behaviour.

Based on your update, I get the impression you care deeply for your children like any good mum, but his relationship with his children is separate to his relationship with you. You're also concerned about being financially independent from him, and he will know this.
The reason he blamed your actions for his appalling actions is because he wants you to jump to his tune and think 'maybe if I'm different, maybe if I don't expect too much, maybe if I dress a bit more sexually pleasing to him, maybe if I pick up after him,maybe if I'm a better wife then he wouldn't do this again'.
The reason he threw around divorce when you challenged him is because he is waiting for you to grovel to him about how you want to fight for the marriage.

Please consider speaking to a women's organisation OP as my concerns are if you accept this now you could find yourself very trapped and very unhappy, but a few years from now your self esteem could be in tatters.

@user1481840227 exactly.

We all know what sex workers do.

Ops H chose to go and see them. Its on him. People can and do say no.