To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

If he's withdrawn cash from an ATM then it won't be for expensive drinks, that would be a card transaction. I'm assuming lap dances are paid for by cash directly to the lady involved rather than a chip and pin machine...

So much middle class horror on this thread, and actually tbh on pretty much any thread on MN

My family background is proper dog rough by MN standards (think alcoholic single mother in council house + actually no idea who my bio dad even was) and I honestly think that's nonsense. Actually the most MC thing I'm seeing on this thread is the idea that your SO frivolously blowing £400 in one go isn't a big deal .

My exh spent 1200 in a strip club abroad. EX HUSBAND.

The fact there are two withdraws makes me fearful this might have been the case

Oh cmon, you can easily spend triple this in these clubs, he likely just ran out of money, and secondly equating lap dancers/strippers with prostitutes is not cool. Good clubs are hugely regulated, the women earn extortionate amounts of money and are not prostitues.

Getting hysterical and trying to make it as bad as possible for the op isn’t cool.

@Bluntness100

The fact there are two withdraws makes me fearful this might have been the case

Oh cmon, you can easily spend triple this in these clubs, he likely just ran out of money, and secondly equating lap dancers/strippers with prostitutes is not cool. Good clubs are hugely regulated, the women earn extortionate amounts of money and are not prostitues.

Getting hysterical and trying to make it as bad as possible for the op isn’t cool.

But it is bad.

He's spent £400 they can't spare in ONE NIGHT!

And he's supposed to be working on his marriage...

It's neither here nor there what he spent, where he spent it, whether it's possible to spend hundreds in a strip club, or what other people think might have happened.

Your marriage isn't in a good place and when you are both meant to be working on things he has spent hundreds on a night out involving other women, leaving you at home with the children. His actions show that he isn't trying to rebuild the marriage so your next step is to decide whether you want to accept this sort of behaviour long term because otherwise you are giving a green light for him to do it again and again.

I don't think this situation has anything to do with class or morals, it boils down to what's acceptable to you. Are you happy for him to go to a strip club? Are you happy for him to spend £400, whether it's on drink or dancers? If the answer is no, then it doesn't really matter if every other wife would be (although I certainly wouldn't be), you need to live by your standards of acceptability. If they are different to your husband's, and an acceptable compromise can't be reached, then you're not compatible.

Agree, there are several separate issues here. Visiting a strip club and whatever boundaries he may have crossed. Spending money the family can ill afford on a night out. Is he in the habit of disregarding the needs and feelings of op and family?

Ds2 was very troubled once, by allowing himself to be caught up/peer pressured into attending one of these clubs with a group of mates, he was bothered by the fact they are designed to extract the most amount of money as possible from you and that the women really pressurise you into having these dances and get quite "arsey" shaming you in front of your mates if you refuse,

He was bothered about it for quite a while, the money he felt he "lost" and the way there were so many blokes there being taken in by it all.

@LolaSmiles

It's neither here nor there what he spent, where he spent it, whether it's possible to spend hundreds in a strip club, or what other people think might have happened.

Your marriage isn't in a good place and when you are both meant to be working on things he has spent hundreds on a night out involving other women, leaving you at home with the children. His actions show that he isn't trying to rebuild the marriage so your next step is to decide whether you want to accept this sort of behaviour long term because otherwise you are giving a green light for him to do it again and again.

This exactly.

I’ve worked in a strip club on the reception.

£400 could be spent very quickly.

You have entrance fee, inflated bar prices, table service and the girls will encourage you to buy bottles of champagne and expensive drinks, Then you have the table dance and the private dances that can be either be taken at the table or in a private booth. Honestly you could spend £400 in an hour!

My issue would be he’s spent £400 you can’t afford in a strip club! That’s so selfish and irresponsible. But, I used to see it all the time! I would often have men tell me their wives will be mad at the them. I had one man tell me he had a two week old baby and he’d just spent the rent money on dances. I told him if he was my husband he would be my ex and he needed to go home before he spent any more.

Definitely private dances, more than one and fully nude.

Strip clubs are NOT full of working class girls and men!

Some of the girls in the club I worked in were funding uni through working there and some of the men were city boys with lots of money to spend! Don’t be so naive to think it’s only girls who have no other option and ‘rough’ heaven forbid working class men!

No experience of strip clubs but going out around Liverpool st is expensive. I work around there and from experience depending on where you go £10-£15 per drink isn't unusual. I presume (no idea) drinks may be more expensive in a strip club. If he was buying rounds for friends which wasn't reciprocated I can see how the money was spent, particularly if he had an expensive can ride home.

Regardless I'd be pissed off if my husband went to a strip club and apoplectic if he had a dance, private or otherwise so in my opinion precisely how the money was spent is irrelevant it was going there and spending money you don't have that is the issue. He sounds like an irresponsible fool.

Wait, what. I can’t go have a cup of tea with my mum because I live 50m from Sheffield but someone can pay a woman to grind on his cock???

Right I’m 2020 peaked, I’m out.

OP call the club and get the price list and to what level they are open. But to be honest he was already on last chance saloon, he’s not going to change so I would cut my losses if I were you.

After party with the dancers off premises. Or drugs.

Sorry OP.

He said it was actually 2 private dances and he also bought one for his friend. He INSISTS they kept their underwear on. Like a lot of pps have said, I’ll never know will I. I’m tempted to ask to see his group chat with those mates, to see if his remorse is even genuine or what they discussed about it. But I guess, what’s the point.
Anyway I was furious this morning, so upset, and he wouldn’t leave it alone. Then it turned to “I did it because you’re so distant”. MY fault. For being “distant”. For context I am a ft working mum who is also writing a book. I have a deadline for year end so I’ve been staying up late a lot to work on it as it’s the only time I get, I spent this weekend while he was out juggling kids and the house while finishing a 10k word section. Last week I planned him a lockdown birthday, spent a lot of money on his present and we had sex (which we do often), he’s not hard done by and I do what I can to show him he’s appreciated. Fuck, this just hurts so much after the year we have had. When I said I needed time to process it he started threatening fucking divorce. I’m sitting here thinking what kind of a child did I marry, and why did I think he’d change into a good guy?

Oh classic. Making it your fault. He is also doibg that thing of dripping in just enough info so that you think you can believe him.

Ask for his phone. Check it. I mean, I'd be getting shot of him anyway, but I'm nosy and would want to see it all.

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like bit of a shit. To try to blame it on you for being "distant" is just nasty. I think the underwear on or off thing is the least of your worries tbh. It sounds like you deserve a lot better than this.

When I said I needed time to process it he started threatening fucking divorce.

Frankly I’d be taking him up on that - why stay married to this man?

What a fucking asshole. £400 on one night. Private dances. Yuk yuk yuk. And him meant to be making an effort to save his marriage! And now it's your fault. You don't need this type of shit storm in your life