To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

How did you manage when you separated. He will have to pay maintenance for your children,
Assuming he works. You may be entitled to working family tax credits or whatever UC has replaced it with if he's gone? I ended an awful marriage with 2 small children, and a full time job. It was hard but i never regret ending the marriage and freeing us all from that life.

The kids might love him, how much does he love them to spend £400 on private lap dances on the run up to Christmas?

He's giving you more detail gradually whilst also now telling you how its all your fault. This doesn't get any better in my experience.

Please - set your bar higher. As a single parent, I can tell you that its definitely hard, and it does affect you financially but think about your own value and self worth, and the values you want to raise your children with. He doesn't value your marriage in the same way that you do x

Ashamed to say I have spent 400 quid on a heavy night out and it didn't even involve any naked people, which might have at least been some silver lining (joke)

Spending 400 quid in a strip joint, from what I've heard about them, would appear to be really easy without dances or fucking anyone

Jesus. You have to leave him.

You will end up a shell of yourself. Blaming you for cheating on your with sex workers?

This is over, it was over when you separated before.

One thing: 'Kids love him' - no, NO. You wipe that one off the list right now.

The kids love him, they will always love him. The choice they get is loving their dad and also growing up within a happy home where they see their mum respected, happy, where thigns are stable. Or they love their dad so they tie themselves in knots trying to square the circle of why the dad they love is awful to their mum, doesn't respect her, and their mum is unhappy and stressed and there is little affection and lots of animosity. But they love him. Is he a goodie? Is he a baddie? Who do they love most and should they too act badly to people they love? Is that how it works?

BECAUSE they love both of you is the reason you get the fuck out of this. This is not, ever, going to be a positive place for young minds to learn about how relationships work.

@porcelaine

It’s not that simple. Kids love him. We’re in a rental contract that doesn’t finish til next October. I don’t know that I can afford it on my own. I have hardly any support network locally or otherwise and emotionally I just don’t know that I can take another separation or the stress of divorce. I know I sound incredibly weak but that’s how it is. I feel so rubbish today. I cannot understand why he would do this knowing the consequences.

I think this in itself is not worth loosing a marriage over, men do stupid stupid things when in a group and drunk. He DID fess up.

My concern would be, is he being totally honest? Ie was there drug use, could he have paid an escort instead? As from what I understand (maybe I am naïve too) that in the UK, strip clubs aren't brothels and he wouldn't even be allowed to touch the woman let alone anything else...

My concern would be the fact he has a lack of control, in that he's blown 400 you couldn't afford to blow. And that he is being petty mentioning divorce, and blaming you..and also you used the words "thinking he'd turn into a good guy" So has there been past hurt/lies/betrayal??

He was emotionally abusive in the past, bad enough for me to leave twice then ask him to leave. He made a lot of promises and has had therapy but this is the first time for what I guess I’d call shady behaviour or lying. Maybe I am a little distant but we did have a separation that was his fault.
I wish he could’ve just been sorry, and not pressured me to get over it, or whatever. Things are worse now. And the MONEY. I can’t get my head around it.

Stop making excuses and LTB. Get advice on the finances.

@porcelaine

It’s not that simple. Kids love him. We’re in a rental contract that doesn’t finish til next October. I don’t know that I can afford it on my own. I have hardly any support network locally or otherwise and emotionally I just don’t know that I can take another separation or the stress of divorce. I know I sound incredibly weak but that’s how it is. I feel so rubbish today. I cannot understand why he would do this knowing the consequences.

It doesn't sound like there are going to be any consequences. Because you're so ground down and trapped.

At least work on not being trapped.

This is very tough for you, OP, but it will be tougher if you stay with him. There are many organisations who can help and support you. I'm sure that the kids love him. However, they'll soon be old enough for his behaviour to affect them badly (if it hasn't done so).

You can break up but you don’t need to do it today. I probably wouldn’t chuck my husband out 2 weeks before Christmas if I had little kids and no money. But that’s not the same as accepting it forever. You can work on getting to a place where that is possible if that’s the choice you decide to make. No one else needs to know about it right this second but that could be your goal.

Why does it matter if they had underwear on or not? It only makes a shitty thing slightly more shitty. It doesn’t change the fact it was already shitty to begin with.

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry OP.

If you can't leave straight away, start making plans to. Reach out to anyone near you who can help and look at the entitledto website.
Your children love their dad dearly, but look what he has done to THEM. His actions towards you have directly affected his childrens future because how can you possible stay with this complete piece of shit.

I know its not black and white, especially whenchildren are involved, but please please do not let him convince you any of this is your fault.
You sound like a strong person to me, not a weak one. you're juggling the kids and work and your book.
You will be fine without him. You honestly will. You'll be far better off and he won't be able to sap your confidence and self worth any longer.

Can anyone point me to like a ducks in the row check list or something ? For reference I have a job that is paid ok and I’m not sure I would be entitled to many benefits, except maybe single person council tax, but it would be worth knowing the kind of things to think about.

Wow. Did not expect to be here today.

I hope your ok OP sounds like it gets worse everytime he updates you. From starting out that he just was there to now two private dances. Seem like he knew exactly what he was doing and was putting you in your place. He had a sobering walk to a ATM to lift more money and he didn’t care on bit. Where was he from when the club closed at 11pm till 2am? I feel like if you put up with this it will be the start of him emotionally abusing you again. He is already trying to pin this to YOU at he totally innocent party. I’m so sorry OP it isn’t easy .

@porcelaine check the website entitled to. Just use the calculator on there with dummy information as thought you were already single and it will calculate what you could be entitled to in terms of housing benefit and everything else.

@Manolinette

I would be interested in the time interval between the two lots of cash being drawn out. If £200 was drawn out at 8pm then he could have gone for a meal and drinks and have a bit of cash left over. If the second lot of £200 was drawn out at 10:30pm then he had probably arranged to go an see an escort for an hour or two and needed a cash top up.

A strip club do not let you leave to draw out more cash. They will just take it from your card.

In all probability a strip club might be a complete red herring. It coudl simply have been the pub or a restaurant followed by a hooker in a hotel or her incall apartment.

Not true. I worked in a stripclub for years and it was fine to go and get cash as their card reader couldnt take AmEX for example. A cash maschine was right outside the club and guys did pop out to get cash. Also, the girls got less fron dances paid by card. We always encouraged customers to get cash. if a customer paif by card for several hours of VIP as opposed to by cash there was a big difference in the payment the dancer received. This was a club in London.

The fact you have a good job is great. You have options. Could you look at reducing your hours if you need to? Is your employer flexible? I had a few weeks off with stress, my GP pretty much insisted on it which helped me get myself together and o went back to work full time with a childminder abs some family help. I have never once regretted ending my marriage. Money never goes missing from my account now. I'm not treading on eggshells in my home. Life isn't easy but it's much happier. For all of us.

Horrendous. He needs the door and a heavy boot to his arse on the way out.

@porcelaine

Can anyone point me to like a ducks in the row check list or something ? For reference I have a job that is paid ok and I’m not sure I would be entitled to many benefits, except maybe single person council tax, but it would be worth knowing the kind of things to think about.

Wow. Did not expect to be here today.

Go on entitled to or turn to us and put all your details in, minus him and see if you could get some help with rent etc.

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=c8ca405f-6164-4430-bff7-f2fd0a0e78df

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

@porcelaine

Can anyone point me to like a ducks in the row check list or something ? For reference I have a job that is paid ok and I’m not sure I would be entitled to many benefits, except maybe single person council tax, but it would be worth knowing the kind of things to think about.

Wow. Did not expect to be here today.

Some things to consider:

Your tenancy, if it is in joint names you will need to reach an agreement between yourselves but also with the landlord to change the tenancy agreement

Benefits - as a working single parent who rents, you might be entitled to some Universal Credit, because you would get the child element and the housing element, and a decent chunk of your salary would be ignored before making deductions. You can check using an online benefits calculator such as Entitledto or Turn2us. If you want help working it out you could contact Citizens Advice and ask them.

Council tax - correct you would get the 25% single person discount

Child maintenance - don't forget this

Also you say that you're married, if there are any marital assets (savings, pensions, other) you would be entitled to a fair share. For that you'd need some legal advice - you could try the Rights of Women family law helpline, you could also ask your local citizens advice about local law clinics and solicitors offering a free or low cost initial consultation.

Lots of helpful info and advice here
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce

Thanks. It feels early to be thinking this but it’s good to think about practicalities. As mentioned we were already not in a great place. I can’t get my head around all this but it is what it is. The 2 trips to the atm, Jesus. So premeditated it seems. I’ve cancelled his expensive Xmas present because fuck that.

Concentrate on the practicalities because I think you will need them. If he's admitted to 2 dances with clothes on then there's more to come I think !
Plus £400 you can't afford. WTAF!

He said it was actually 2 private dances and he also bought one for his friend.

He bought one for his friend?

How does that convo even go? He’s pissed cash up the wall, his mate’s pissed cash up the wall. The mate was desperate for one, but couldn’t afford it? Your ‘D’H could afford - not only his own two dances - but one for his mate, too?

He couldn’t see his mate missing out?

I mean, just what even...?

It’s like, ‘I’m being a complete A-grade fuckwit here, how can I twist the knife even further? Oh, I know! Piss even more family money we don’t have right before Christmas on my good mate here, who can’t be missing out on a naked grinding from a stranger. Porcelain’s gonna love this when I tell her!’

And he feels able to just do this, because he thinks you will just roll over and put up with it.

I’m really sorry. You deserve, and can do, so much better.

His mate has a v high paid job. No way he couldn’t afford it, apparently he sent H to the cash point to get more money. Maybe it was a pissing contest or maybe he didn’t even get his friend a dance and think it sounds better than saying he got even more for himself.
He says he was so upset, he left first, Etc. But for someone so upset he managed to stay a good few hours, went to go to the cash point, enjoyed at least 2 dances, whatever else. He’s so full of shit.

He is full of shit.

You can’t trust a word that comes out, and that’s the end of the line, for me.

It’s all just noise at this point.

What actually matters here is the clear lack of respect, and your inability to trust him.

For most people, these are the absolutely foundations of a happy, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Knock one out, and the house begins to crumble. Knock them both out, and it collapses.

This might not be the best time to leave him, but I think you’re wise to start looking over the horizon. Sort yourself and start preparing. Give yourself something to look forward to.