Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

1000 replies

porcelaine · 07/12/2020 01:34

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Mildmustard · 11/12/2020 11:55

@porcelaine I’m not sure how important it is now but may I just ask, are you sure the second £400 actually did go to the refuge?
Can’t help wondering if he reached his cash withdrawal limit that night and has possibly borrowed more, or put it on a credit card or something that he’s needed the extra £400 for.

I can’t believe he’s trying to make out you’re the one in the wrong for not being okay with this after what he’s done and the subsequent web of lies he’s spun!
Stay strong Flowers

Cotswolds10 · 11/12/2020 12:05

@porcelaine, sorry to hear what a terrible time you’re having. He hasn’t made the choice to leave you, this is yet another tactic on his behalf to get you to accept his behaviour. I really hope you are strong enough to leave him.

Firstly, take every penny that belongs to you out of the joint account. Secondly, if you are serious about divorce, yes, you can file for divorce before settling finances. If you think you will need a solicitor’s help agreeing finances, then they will usually advise you get the divorce petition sent then begin on finances. Try to get a couple of local recommendations and speak to them on the phone first to get an idea of the process.

But get that money out of the joint account first! Before he realises you aren’t going to take him back. Clearly, money is a priority for him if that’s what he does every time he leaves, so the second he thinks you’re serious, I have no doubt he will clear you out and that money will ‘disappear’.

MiniCooperLover · 11/12/2020 12:23

The refuge payment is most likely him squirrelling away some of your joint savings

MusicTeacherSussex · 11/12/2020 12:29

You make damn sure his mother knows exactly how much he spent drooling over strippers and buying dances for his mates.

porcelaine · 11/12/2020 12:33

I can't stop crying. this is our life. we werent perfect but what about our home and our family and marriage and life? even just stupid stuff like going for walks at the weekend or being silly over the cat. he just walked out in the middle of the night and it's gone. done. like I did something so wrong he couldnt be here anymore. I wasnt going to do anything rash, I needed time to process and stuff, he's taken it out of my hands and now I am sitting her with an excel spreadsheet apologising to my boss for missing a call this morning because of the school run (which h normally does) and dreading the weekend and xmas in our home trying to act normal for dc and it didnt HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. this time last weekend, we were ok.

OP posts:
FourPlatinumRings · 11/12/2020 12:46

I'm so sorry, OP Flowers

Ivy455 · 11/12/2020 12:49

I'm so sorry :( He's an absolute shit.

myla1 · 11/12/2020 12:51

The thing is OP, last weekend you were not actually ok. Because you were living with a horrible man who thinks he should be able to pop out to the most seedy strip club going; while you look after his kids. He thinks you should smile and welcome him home, push your feelings down and just be happy with that version of a relationship and family.

So you were not ok last week because you were with an abusive man. Now the wool had fallen from your eyes.

Just tell his mother what he’s done, That should change her tune.

porcelaine · 11/12/2020 12:51

she knows all of it. she just said "I wish it could have worked and I love you". if I was her I would be livid at him.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 11/12/2020 12:53

I used to work with someone who had a similar issue. He couldn't even remember what he did with it, his friends finally admitted that he was so drunk he was virtually carried to the cash machine and he paid for everyones drinks, food etc. They did give him some back but I told him he needed new friends.

myla1 · 11/12/2020 13:07

The kind of marriage you were in OP, it’s like death by a thousand cuts.

They get you to a point where they think you can’t leave because you wouldn’t do that to the kids. Then it starts, little by little. Grinding you down, making you doubt your mind.

If you had just fooled over and accepted this strip club business - that is essentially saying to him - “Yes I agree that ultimately it is your right to have naked women in your face as part of a regular night out with friends and I can’t complain about this and have to accept that this is normal and the future.”

Then next time he goes out, he’ll do it again. Maybe it will become weekly. Likely it will escalate. Then you’ll be so worn down and in the habit of having to “accept” what he does as a defensive strategy - one day you’ll find escort receipts; or dodgy text messages or hotel receipts or whatever and, by then, you will be a shell of your former self who has learned to shut up and accept it. That would have been your lot. He knows this full well.

The fact that his mother is saying she wishes “it” had worked days it all. No, not “it,” you daft woman - it’s your son who didn’t work out. Deal with him. Christ on a bike!

Yohoheaveho · 11/12/2020 13:10

The walking out like this is his way of punishing you for calling him out, for refusing to defer to him, for not letting him get away with bad behaviour.

greenspacesoverthere · 11/12/2020 13:13

this time last weekend, we were ok.

No

You weren't ok

KiposWonderbeasts · 11/12/2020 13:15

I feel for you, OP, it's horrible.

However, there are bright sides to HIM leaving, not you. You're still in the home with your kids, no difficulty in getting him to piss off out of your space. And bugger was it a "mutual split" - he was a disgusting lying perv and you won't stand for it. You know this and everyone you tell will know this. The entirety of Mumsnet knows and is with you in spirit.

Stand tall, @porcelaine. Your trash took itself out and you'll be happier without it.

DimidDavilby · 11/12/2020 13:17

Have you slept with him since then? I would get an STI test. Given the amount of money involved i think it's very possible it went further than a private dance.

user1471565182 · 11/12/2020 13:19

Hes a manipulator, in nearly everything he does

lakesideadvent · 11/12/2020 13:19

You weren't ok last weekend OP, it sounds as though things have been difficult for a good while in reality.
When the dust has settled you stand a chance of having a much better life that suits you.

Notcoolmum · 11/12/2020 13:20

He's left to deflect the attention away from what he did. So that you feel powerless. So that you want him back. He's a spineless tool.

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/12/2020 13:30

OP because you're in shock, and because - I believe - that you still love him for the life you had together, even though right now you hate him for what he's done, your head's all over the place. It will take time to process. Don't rush it, and don't panic because you can't immediately see how this is going to pan out.

Why does it matter that he ended it? Is it your pride? You know what he's doing, he's still playing mindfuck games. In reality it doesn't matter a hill of beans that he's the one who physically left the house. in fact it's better, much better for you, that he left, because it means you are still in the house, whereas if you'd ended it he would have dug his heels in and refused to leave so you'd have had to live in the same house as him and he'd have continued his shit.

And you can't believe that this man has turned out to be quite such an arsehole. You knew he was a long way from perfect, but you didn't think he'd go this low.

And finally, I've said before and will again, I'm not convinced he's gone for good anyway. He's going to find some reason or some way to try to get back to the relationship. Because although he's the one who's gone, deep down he doesn't want it to end, he wants you to forget it, let it go, so that he can go back to being the one with the control. So when he tries to come back, and you (I hope) tell him where to stuff it, you'll be the one to end it finally anyway.

Yohoheaveho · 11/12/2020 13:32

the reason he's told his mum a distorted version of events is so that she will tell you and this will make you angry and provoke you into acting against your own best interests
Don't take the bait

Yohoheaveho · 11/12/2020 13:34

Everything he does is consciously or subconsciously designed to give him an advantage so that he can take control of the situation
Make sure that all of it backfires on him

anxiousstanley · 11/12/2020 13:36

My ex husband spent a couple of grand back on the early 90's in a strip joint one night. Didn't come home all night either. I only found out when our credit card got declined at the petrol station. He was a total bell end and controlled me financially for years. I got even though when I divorced him.

nearlyrev · 11/12/2020 13:51

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

AnotherEmma · 11/12/2020 14:01

I'm glad he's left you as I didn't think you were going to do it and you would have struggled to get him to leave if he didn't want to. Of course it's all part of his abuse, he's punishing you for refusing to immediately forgive his behaviour, he's manipulating you, asserting his control. He's got you exactly where he wants you, which is feeling guilty and resentful and heartbroken. Well, in the nicest possible way, pull yourself together. You don't have to let him dictate this narrative. The fact is you knew deep down the relationship was over. The fact that it hurts doesn't mean it's the wrong outcome; it's absolutely the right one.

Now for practicalities. Contact the landlord to ask for the tenancy agreement to be changed. Make sure STBXH returns his key. Make a UC claim. Notify the council he's moved out and apply for single person council tax discount.

I hope you've already transferred your half of the money out of the joint account? Better do that in case he tries to take it.

AnotherEmma · 11/12/2020 14:02

Oh and give him a short deadline to start paying you child maintenance before you call CMS to get them to set it up.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread