To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

I've followed this, OP but not posted yet as it's such a personal position and decision I wasn't sure I could add anything. It's clear you're unhappy and you know you deserve better. He is behaving like a juvenile - the same impulsive, childish behaviour he's exhibiting now (threats, dramatic displays of leaving) is exactly the same part of his character which ended up with him blowing £400 (or whatever it ends up being) on a sleazy night out he still won't come clean about.

What you have to do is accept that you don't want this to be your life (assuming you are done) and lift yourself out of this drama and just stop engaging. Try to think further ahead and look after your own mental and physical well-being. Stay strong - speak to friends, continue speaking to your mum, speak to us. Try to channel the anger and emotion into making a plan for the short term. Get your head around your finances. Get legal/financial advice if you have to.

Stop worrying about ruining the kids' Christmas. Ultimately you, their mum, being happy is in their best interests and there's a tendency to look for ways to hurt or punish ourselves by imagining the damage we're doing to them. You've been decisive and shown self-respect here which indicates you're giving them a valuable lesson is standing up for themselves. Fixating on the ruined Christmas is almost addictive but it's wasted energy.

I could go on and on and on but as someone in a VERY similar position to you who stayed (and eventually left) let me promise you, down the line you'll wish you'd just bitten the bullet and left now.

You're doing incredibly well xx

My guess is he's done this in the hope you'll "beg" for him to come back and then he will be doing you a favour if he comes back - from the things you've said about his actions. Sorry you're going through this but it is much better to be rid of some one like this, yes it's tough but when you get your strength back you will be so proud and glad that hes gone. Remember it's not your actions, it's his. X

My guess is he's done this to try and distract you from the real truth

I agree with everyone saying move the money right now. Can you change the locks OP? I'm sure he'll be back. You need to be rid of him - you don't have to live like this. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Horrible for you.

@Nanny0gg
@AnotherEmma

I thought my the ‘tone’ of my comment it was clear I was speaking in jest! Calm down ladies 🙄

I think you know what to do OP, you just want permission from a load of strangers on the internet to do it.

Definitely close the joint account if possible. My husband’s ex ran their joint account overdrawn by a good two thousand when she left and he had to pay half back.

Bloody hell hes a total knob head. He's mine stop playing games and abusive prick. You're going to be so much better without him. I am so annoyed on your behalf.

@IndieTara

My guess is he's done this to try and distract you from the real truth

I suspect the same...he seemed very ready to admit going to a strip club. It makes me think he's done something worse and has "admitted" to something lesser to distract from what he was really up to. Again, I am really sorry OP. You don't deserve one second of this!

It's best he's not there to ruin Christmas. How old are your children? It can't be nice for them with the going and froing. I think they deal better with certainty and will adapt to him not lock my with you all if they aren't waiting for you to get back together again.

Whatever you do, do NOT beg him to come home. He's acting like a selfish dickhead. £800 of joint money gone in a flash because he wanted to go to the seediest looking strip club and put pound coins in a pint glass to see naked women.

the direct debits come out of the joint. I can't just close it.
he and his mum have sent me messages saying they love dc so much and feel so sorry for them. he also told his mum it was a mutual split. I'm so angry.

he has engineered it so HE left ME. I cannot believe this.

Have you told your mum and mother in law why things have ended. That he has walked out on you after spending £800 of family money. £400 in a seedy dive demeaning women (whatever your views on strip clubs I think pound coins in a glass is pretty demeaning). And £400 to ease his guilty conscience.

Of course he did. He's hardly going to say "I spent hundreds of quid out if our joint savings account for ahouse deposit in a strip club buying myself and my mates drinks and private "dances", lost another hundred on the way home, donated 400 more to a shelter without consulted her to try to cancel that out, changed my story about what happened a few times .. and she won't accept it and is angry do I've walked out.

They feel sorry for your kids .. he's responsible for this, 100%.

Tell his mother he needs to stop being such a hypocrite.

@porcelaine

he has engineered it so HE left ME. I cannot believe this.

Think of it like this - he had two choices:

Leave himself and therefore make this a horrible Christmas for everyone BUT know he can say HE left you (as he could tell you were going to do it first if not)

Be a decent person and give you time to think, come up with a plan for how to manage Christmas together and be able to spend time with his children.

He chose the former (his pride) over the latter (his family's wellbeing).

He is an absolute cunt to do that. But you know the truth. You'd left him before and would have left him again. Don't let him being the one to leave take up your headspace other than using the anger it's caused to get shit done. He's made it easier for you to decide - it's 100% over.

Solicitor
Divorce
Safeguard your share of savings
Tell close friend(s) and family you trust, who you'll need emotional support from and tell them the truth about what's happened.

Tempting as it might be I don't think you can legally change the locks - I know people will pile on and say they would and he deserves it - I'm not disagreeing but legally you can't and you don't want to give him ammunition to accuse you of breaking the law or for him to do a sob story.

Disengage now - he's made the decision to leave so he needs to deal with the consequences.

I'm so sorry, you sound lovely and clever and reasonable and he's a shit. Thinking of you

@porcelaine

he has engineered it so HE left ME. I cannot believe this.

I think try and contain your anger don't lash out, say as little as possible, he's an idiot and he will hang himself given enough rope. Write your feelings down to get them out but don't give anyone any information until you've had time to process everything and calmly ascertain the lie of the land.

My guess is he's done this in the hope you'll "beg" for him to come back and then he will be doing you a favour if he comes back - from the things you've said about his actions
I was thinking something similar.
Keep holding the high ground OP. You're being strong, you have your health and wellbeing to consider and your children. If you ever feel tempted to call him or go chasing after him have someone else who you can call.

Whatever happens do not feel guilty. It's his actions that caused this. Not yours

@MerchantOfVenom

Let him go OP. Have a break from him.

@MorganKitten - so what?!

Because you’ve never done those things, no stripper - sorry ‘dancer’ - has?

I didn’t say no one had, I think saying it happens regularly is insulting and wrong. All the girls I worked with have gone on to raise families, work for the NHS, go to law school or work with kids now. We’re not as vile as everyone is making out. If you are smart you used the money well, like owning your own home, support your parents, no debt. I did very well out of it.

I wonder what his reaction would be if you had gone on a pre Christmas girls night out, gone into a male strip show (though of course women cant do that because static, regular male strip clubs don't exist, nor do private dances for the most part (the one I went to in Streatham was the exception, buf say you did.. ), it was a male strip show that says online "full nudity", there was the opportunity to pay the strippers for one on one "dances", you did so, twice fur yourself and paid for them for your mates too, you bought rounds of drinks too. Your excuse for this was that your mate had bought a house and you felt inadequate/inferior.
You used hundreds of pounds from a joint savings account intended for a house deposit to do all this with consulting him. You said you list another hundred of so of this money on the way home. You also haven't accounted for a couple of hours of time at the end of the night.

During the subsequent arguments, you then took hundreds more out of the joint savings account and donated it to a shelter without consulting him.

You've told him the other guys fiancé and wife gave zero problem with this and he's weird

I'm sure he's be all chilled and happy, right. I'm sure he's have a v high opinion of you. I'm sure he'd think you had the perfect right to do that with family money, just before Christmas. I'm sure he'd have no problem with your interaction with the male strippers. No problem with you "losing" a hundred of lord of family money. No problem with you maintaing that the guys didn't get their dicks out while everything else says they do.

You'd be being called all the names of the day, being called a slapper, a bad mother, a bitch .. you'd have had no right to do that with the money etc etc. At home and to his family.

He and his mates have total.and utter double standards for tgen and their partners, for men and women; that's fundamental. They think they're entitled to that behaviour as compensation/offset to the tremendous favour they've done a woman by committing and paying towards maintaing her and their kids.

Make sure you tell your MIL exactly why you split and though yes it's mutual in that you wanted out anyway, his behaviour has brought this on

OP you need to do the following:

1. Phone up each of the companies you have direct debits with and ask to pay this month's one over the phone and also transfer the direct debit over to your account read for next month. I did this and it worked well

1. Once the direct debits are so ted, transfer all but £1 from the joint account to your account, and then phone the bank to freeze the joint account. This will stop him getting into debt on that account.

1. You're not allowed to change the locks, but what you can do, is leave a key on the inside of the front door (stopping anyone from opening from the outside) and start using the back door to go in and out of the house.

1. File for divorce online. It's much quicker that way.

1. Tell him to come and fetch his stuff, and that it will be left outside/in the garage at x time and y date

1. Contact the police about his abusive behaviour and ask for advice. Then it's logged with them if you need help from legal aid in future.

Tbh, like other posters, I also think there's more to this.

The hundred odd quid he "lost" on the way home, the unaccounted for time after the club closed, the reviews saying that club is an escort/prostitute hang out ....

do I file for divorce before we have agreed financials?

Also keep a very detailed log of everything that happens