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Original poster

To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

1000 replies

porcelaine · 07/12/2020 01:34

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Notimeforaname · 11/12/2020 01:08

I wish I could’ve been the one to end it
I completely get that op. It's a horrible feeling.

I do think he will be back though. Asking for another shot. And then you will have your moment to look him in the eyes and say 'We are over'.

And even if he doesn't..well you're still winning aren't you? You will no longer have him draining your finances or holding divorce over your head and no more gaslighting.

You will be free of it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2020 01:09

Make sure you move your half of the joint money to your account.

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2020 01:10

Maybe not tonight but in the morning please try to take a deep breath...look at your children and tell yourself you're doing what's best for them and you. Somthing he never did.

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2020 01:11

And yes. Move the money!

oldshoeuk · 11/12/2020 01:28

If I didn't have kids and marriage he would be so gone. As it is I'm stumped and furious.

These places exist to suck money out of people, £400 and nothing to show for it doesn't surprise me and there's little worse than drunk and horny for stupid men with cash cards.

But I want to go back to the start of the evening when things were a little more sober, how was it, could it ever be, ok for him to go off to a strip club with his mates? How did he make that ok in his head? It's well beyond forgivable, I just don't know how you move forward.

What people do with spare cash or with their partners is their business, but that isn't in that league. I'm very sorry for you and wish you the best.

Original poster
porcelaine · 11/12/2020 01:39

They were drinking before they went. He just blamed the alcohol. But they were there 4+ hours and he managed to get more cash. Plus he’s not a kid. The alcohol excuse is bs.

Thankyou for the support. I’m still here awake running over all of this. And I just feel sad and weirdly guilty. Like I wish I’d just forgiven. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
GammyLeg · 11/12/2020 01:39

"I wish I could’ve been the one to end it"

But in a way you did. You called him on his bullshit, he panicked and left. It's hardly a big moral statement, he ran out with his tail between his legs after spending family savings at a strip club. Your dignity is intact. He is a sorry excuse for a man.

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2020 01:45

And I just feel sad and weirdly guilty. Like I wish I’d just forgiven
Oh op I'm so sorry.

As.i said earlier I was in a very similar position. I felt the guilt. I cried all night and next day I apologised to him!! For dragging out the forgiveness!!!?? What a fool I looked.
He carried on the same way for about 5 more months til I did dump him.
Please dont be me. I did not use my head.

ToniTheDonkey · 11/12/2020 01:47

So he’s gone to his mum’s? I wonder what fiction he’s told her to explain why he’s left?

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2020 01:48

And itll be the manipulation and gaslighting thats lead you to feeling guilty.

You feel guilty for not letting him treat you like an idiot?
It's such a confusing time.
Every time you think its your fault or you think about letting him back in..look at your children and tell yourself 'no fucking way'

glencoco · 11/12/2020 02:01

What a massive arsehole. You are well rid.
It will take a while before you really believe it, but you are so much better off without him. You are still young, and you’ve plenty of time to learn to love yourself before you even think about a new relationship.
When my arsehole ex husband left I told the kids that he still loved them but that we couldn’t live together anymore. It felt like my insides were being ripped to shreds but they didn’t need to know that!
You can do this, you can have a (reasonably) good Christmas and then focus on building your wonderful new life.

impossible · 11/12/2020 02:02

You did the right thing. If you'd 'forgiven' him then there would be more of the same and I'm sure you don't want to live like that.

Maybe he'll reflect on how you feel and try to sort things out but if not you're better off without him. You need to look after yourself, not just dcs, and that means not tolerating someone who treats you with such contempt.

Sorry you're in such an awful situation but well done for sticking to your guns.

burleycha55i5 · 11/12/2020 02:14

Do not leave any money now in the joint account as there is nothing to stop him clearing whatever is left. Transfer the remaining balance to another account in your name ASAP. Even if you feel that at some stage you may have to pay some portion back to him, if you leave it in the joint account there is a risk he will take it.

burleycha55i5 · 11/12/2020 02:15

Plus he owes you at least £🙄200 and arguably £400....did he deduct that from "his half"?

TinySongstress · 11/12/2020 02:20

Let him go OP. The dust will settle and you'll see it more clearly.

PLEASE ffs, move your money out of that account!!! Do it NOW!

burleycha55i5 · 11/12/2020 02:23

In fact, close the joint account - if a joint account becomes overdrawn each joint account holder is equally liable for the whole amount owed.

Everything may be fine, he may not try to draw any more from the account but he hasn't shown himself to be very trustworthy so far so it's much better for you to be on control of the money and not at risk of further liability.

sergeilavrov · 11/12/2020 02:41

He is still liable for half of the bills, child support etc. but don’t rely on him actually paying. He is one of the most prolific viruses of 2020 by the sounds of it Angry

Secure the money out of the joint account. He already took over half based on the fact he stole £800 away for refuge donations and escorts. Never allow him that much control again. Once your finances are secure, take the time you need. Then, go through the house, get proof of income and assets, and arm yourself for a divorce where you and the children get what you deserve. At the very least, you get the opportunity to frame this to the children as a man who is so disrespectful he doesn’t deserve you. It doesn’t matter that he flounced off, that only serves to illustrate the point.

eightxmaspaws · 11/12/2020 05:42

@porcelaine to be honest, they end it when they start messing around and not being properly committed to the relationship.
I got coerced into ‘ending’ a relationship because of my ex’s shit behaviour and then felt terrible for my kids and the destruction of my family - but it wasn’t my actions that did the ‘ending’
You put in, you committed, you’re a decent person who tries hard. He just couldn’t be flipping bothered (and has flounced off)
You’re worth it - being in a relationship with - because you are decent and kind and commit. Others will see that. Better men will value you. As you actually deserve.

HikeForward · 11/12/2020 06:40

Oh dear! I can’t imagine why men enjoy lap dances. They’re not allowed to touch the dancer, they just sit there while she dances in a private booth (and she doesn’t touch them, just dances very close to them.)

My DH and his friends (and some of the wives) once went to a strip club and spent a fortune in drinks, tips, dances, entrance fees. I think men put a lot of peer pressure on each other to get dances. My female friend also paid for a private dance and said it was awful.

myla1 · 11/12/2020 07:01

Hope you got some sleep eventually OP.

Thank god he’s gone. I know you can’t quite see it yet, but this is the first day of the future you deserve.

He thinks you will fall to pieces in shock; blame yourself and beg him to come back because you must surely need him on some level, right? No.

Imagine how much more energy you’ll have - for the kids and for everything - when you’re not emotionally drained by him.

There’s nothing worse than being manipulated to doubt your own mind. This is where he pushed you.

I’m not surprised as all to hear this isn’t the first time he’s flounced off and shifted money.

What a wanker.,

Don’t feel guilty or bad for ANYTHING. You have don’t nothing wrong here.

Start focusing on yourself now - not him. Sounds like you mum and sister are supportive. This is good. Take care. Things sill get better from today.

thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2020 07:23

I wish I could have been the one to end it

But you did OP. You called him on his behaviour and drew a line in the sand and can walk away with your head high.

BTW the fact he's willingly left the house works massively in your favour. Change the locks now.

He will undoubtedly be back with some manipulative tactic or other. Hold your ground. You have supportive family. Keep talking to them.

Sorry you've gone through - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But you are very young still and strong. You will emerge from this far happier and stronger.

LuaDipa · 11/12/2020 08:05

It may not seem like it now but one day you will be glad this happened. Anyone who questions or ridicules your core values is not worth having around. What he has done would be a hard line for me too.

As a pp has said, secure the rest of your savings in your own account and walk away. He will not change.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 11/12/2020 08:27

@thepeopleversuswork

I wish I could have been the one to end it

But you did OP. You called him on his behaviour and drew a line in the sand and can walk away with your head high.

BTW the fact he's willingly left the house works massively in your favour. Change the locks now.

He will undoubtedly be back with some manipulative tactic or other. Hold your ground. You have supportive family. Keep talking to them.

Sorry you've gone through - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But you are very young still and strong. You will emerge from this far happier and stronger.

Yes. locks changed. Bank account closed. Pack his shit up and drop it over to his mum. A great result . One less lying pig. well done op
NotAnotherUserNumber · 11/12/2020 08:28

This is so sad. I have been following this thread from the start and I feel for you so much.

You deserve better than this. You and your children deserve to not be around this emotional abuse.

I had a similarly emotionally abusing boyfriend years ago, so I know the pain, self doubt and anguish of going through this.

You will be better off without him. None of this is your fault. It is all him. It is so painful now, but if you stay strong and don’t take him back, in the future you will look back and see this as the turning point when things started getting better.

BloggersBlog · 11/12/2020 08:46

As@thepeopleversuswork says, you WERE the one to end it by calling out a liar on his behaviour and not accepting the further gaslighting and rubbish he was telling you.

You will feel shocked for a while, but try and hard as you can not to react/text/ring him. He will be expecting that. You need time to get your head together and plan what happens next.

The ball in in YOUR court, NOT his. YOU decide the next move, what suits you and the DC. I hope you have a good RL support network too x

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