To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

He absolutely will be back. He's trying to shock you into retracting everything you've said. Stay strong, OP.

And of course everyone he has talked to has been absolutely cool with spending hundreds of family money you can't afford AT A STRIP CLUB.

OP he has done you a massive favour by leaving

Seriously

He's ruined this years Christmas - don't let him ruin next years and the year after

You can do this - you don't need this waste of space lying cheating cunt in your life. You really don't.

Make sure you have removed your half of the savings plus £800 btw

You said yourself that you knew it was over. I know it doesn't feel that way when it comes down to it..but it is for the best.
And I also think he's only doing this to make you panic and tell him it's ok.

I've been there before with a man who goes back and forward between ''please forgive me'' to ''I'm leaving you I'm sick of you'' literally within a matter of minutes because he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted from me.
This is all for a reaction. Hes not thinking like an adult but you are. Use all of your strength to push through this part.

And MN will always be here to support too. Sounds like you also have a very supportive family which is fantastic.

OP you have tried really hard at this relationship. He hasn't. Dont let him back.

You can and will rise above this and will be happier than you can even imagine right now.

And you will also know that you stood up for yourself and your children and gave them what they deserve. A happier mum and a happier home environment.

I know this sounds so crazy to go from him telling me about the strip club to HIM leaving in less than a week. I cannot get my head around it. It’s like a pp just said, what he’s saying changes in a matter of minutes to get a reaction. Flouncing off with one suitcase. Telling me HE thinks it’s irreconcilable, he just wanted to be the one to leave. I should’ve done this myself. I just needed time to process my feelings, I needed that space for a few fucking days. And now this. I don’t know what to tell dc tomorrow. Do I just file for divorce? Start moving direct debit bills from the joint account? I’m not gonna be messed around. I’m so sick of this.

I'm so sorry @porcelaine, this is utterly crap for you and your dc. Even without recent behaviour I would call it a day - the emotional abuse alone is awful, both in the past and now.

It will take time to get through the shock and pain but you will get through it all, to a better place for you and dc

@porcelaine Do I just file for divorce? Start moving direct debit bills from the joint account? I’m not gonna be messed around. I’m so sick of this.

Yes this exactly, he's saved you having to leave. So proud of you for not allowing yourself to be messed around despite how painful this must be for you.

As for the kids, you don't have to tell them anything much first thing, will they be in school tomorrow? Give yourself some time to think about how you're going to tell them.

I think he's left because I think he knows full well what he's done and he's not going to get away with it/there's more you don't yet know.

Best you can do right now is protect yourself and your dc. Speak with womens aid tomorrow - emotional abuse is domestic abuse - and do not engage with your husband until you want to. This is your show, not his. Let him stomp his feet, watch his behaviour swing from sorry to angry until it becomes apparent that it won't do him any good.

...and move your money from the joint account. Right now.

I doubt he's permanently gone but if he were (or even if he's not) I think it's actually another sign of where his true feelings and motivations are.

Which is not with his wife and family.
It seems like he was so uncommitted and so unhappy/bitter being a family man that he was making your life miserable even before this piece of spectacularly shitty, disrespectful and hurtful behaviour.

He seems like one of those guys who got what he thought he wanted or should do and then realised a wife and family and mortgage etc is mundane, boring, stressful etc.

He was treating you horribly (and I doubt he was pulling his weight with kids) so much so you (who were v committed to you marriage & family) were giving him ultimatums .. and not long after he got his chance and says he's acr better, he's fine this to you.

And now when you've not accepted his utterly shit behaviour (which some people would see as verging on cheating, in addition to the money he spent) and not rolled over with his lies, bullshitting, manipulation etc) he's thrown the head, stormed out (and left you looking after his kids in your own) ... He doesn't strike me as someone who's committed at all.

He strikes me as someone who let you do all the work, and even then still couldn't hide his anger and dissatisfaction with the situation he's in with a young family (in spite of having chosen of himself). Then his utterly shitty cavalier behaviour to you, both emotionally and financially with the strip club night out (and a hundred quid or more supposedly list and nit really accounted for), now this.

Do you think he mainly begged to be given a chance and to continue the marriage before this happened because of how it would look to his family and in his workplace etc that he's not the respectable, stable family man?

Do you think it feels much worse right now because you thought he would be sorry and want to resolve it and now hes the one who has walked out on you?
That happened to me too (with the ex who changed his tune from minute to minute) begging for forgiveness etc but he walked out on me because I ''couldn't let things go and was punishing him for ''being human'' .
Wow did I feel like shit.
I sobbed the whole night..I txt him the next day telling him I was sorry blah blah blah. He twisted everything and the gaslighting made me believe I was too hard on him that my standards were too high long story short I allowed him to ruin my life for a few more months til I'd finally had enough.

Please let this be your lot op. Youve had enough now you poor thing. X

OP tell everyone and their nearest and dearest about what he’s done. I’d hang him out to dry big time!

Its a shock tactic to get you to submit. Ignore.

Change the locks and move your money asap. It only gets nastier from here on in.

I'm a domestic violence survivor. Please look into counselling or something like the freedom programme. I guarantee you you will look back and wish you'd acted earlier.

Good riddance.
Change the locks tomorrow and pack up the rest of his stuff ready to give to him if he turn up either grovelling or bullying.
Yes transfer all your half of joint money immediately and depending what left overvif any chuck in the 800 pounds of family he threw away to make up the loss.

Yeah I think I thought after our prior separation he wouldn’t resort to the same manipulating controlling tactics and would have empathy. Just accept the consequences of whet he did which was pretty big, and understand it’s worse for me in the context of the year we’ve had.
But he has, he was doing this the day he told me.
He’s left me, taken half the savings already. All this about how he’s gonna find somewhere else while he’s at his mums, and we can do the logistics of sepsration/divorce then. Obviously all his fucking stuff minus one suitcase is here. He didn’t even say goodbye to me. I’m so angry. I can’t sleep. I’m just trying not to let panic overwhelm me right now.

He's just all over the place, isn't he?

400 quid of your joint savings intended for your family home deposit taken out during a night out.

Ending up in a seedy strip club, as if not bad enough, buying private strips fur him and his likewise attached mates.

Claiming he bought drinks and strips to impress mate because he feels inadequate about not being a homeowner, wtf.

"Losing" about a hundred quid on his way back home.

Time unaccounted for after leaving the club.

Another 400 quid of joint savings fir house deposit withdrawn and apparently donated to a women's shelter (?) in some conscience crisis or attempt at manipulation.

Talking about/Threatening suicide.

Incessant story changing and ridiculous lying about details of strip club.

800 quid now taken out of intended house deposit on the cusp of Christmas with a young family.

Now storming out of his family home, leaving his wife to deal with young kids in her home.

He's just all over the place, he's a fckg mess.
And the nmess about just started after you found out about the night out, it was in full swing before that.

Take care and look after yourself and kids thats all that matter.

So in a nutshell, he's left you looking after the kids, pissed off to a strip/pole dancing club, got thoroughly pissed, had two private dances (with knickers!), spent 400.00 quid (but has 120.00 left), given another 400.00 quid of family funds to some refuge, lied, minimised, gaslighted you, became abusive because you were upset and has now left you and the children just before Christmas because he and 'everyone else' think you are overreacting. What a king amongst men..... My love, he's done you a favour and before too long you will come to recognise this. Good riddance to the nasty bastard. Thankfully now your children will not have this despicable piece of work as an example of how all men should be. Very best of luck with everything

*the mess didn't just start

I know it seems utterly overwhelming and scary but these feelings will pass I promise.

The speed of his actions suggests perhaps there is another woman waiting in the wings. There nearly always is in situations like this.

Please take steps to protect yourself financially and in practical terms. Do not trust him regardless of what he says.

Perhaps this has given him the excuse to do what he's half wanted to do for quite a while; escape the "yoke" of family life and responsibilities.

Given your commitment and integrity levels, he must have pushed you v far fir you to have separated before. He's clearly been acting like a bastard for quite some time.

He is such a waste of space and piece of shit to have behave like this (all of this, from your previous separation to the strip club and now walking out) to you, having chosen to get married and bring kids into the world with you.

He'll be talking about divorce and dividing belongings to get you upset and panicky.. trying to show you that it's not what you want.

I hope that tactic isn't working on you op?
I know its horribly upsetting but please try to see he's still playing you.

Hes trying to make you feel dumped and alone.

Divorce threats are standard for him it’s one of the reasons I kicked him out before. He always fucks around with the joint account as part of this display and in fact when I first took him back I wouldn’t have a joint account with him for the first month or so. I should’ve just stuck to that. Also the fact we moved into our new place as a fresh start which he was all for and now I am here on my own. That was just 2 months ago we moved,
Maybe this time he’s for real because he knows how much he fucked up, but I wish I could’ve been the one to end it. I feel like a fucking mug. I’m really upset, shocked, panicked, guilty feeling (why?), stressed, exhausted emotionally. My family have been great but I’m just shell shocked and I can’t believe my marriage is over like this.

It may seem like 'he's ended it' but he just did it because he knows you are going to and he didn't want to have to say he was the one who was dumped.

You've done nothing wrong at all, your adrenaline is probably sky high right now. You're not going to be able to sort anything tonight, try and rest and as scary as this is he's done you a massive favour by leaving