To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Time heals. It doesn't change a dickhead into a good person.

Choose your pain because you can either choose using your time to heal how you feel about him going to a strip club or adjusting to life without him. Bith will be painful, the latter will give you a brighter future.

Oh and if the other partners are truly ok with it, I suppose they'll be ok with the "escorts" that are said to hang out at clubs like the Griffin being the next thing their men move in to.

Cause the private dances will probably get boring/old soo ed or later nd a new level will have to reached to get the same "we're having a wild night, we're cutting loose, we're smashing it, we're throwing off the shackles of the ball and chain & weans for the night, we are men" effect to make them.feel.like they're big, cool men and they're not boring, settled, under the thumb hubbies.

What a f*ING dick! How dare he blame this on you OP. I am absolutely furious on your behalf! I don't know who he has been talking to but you are not blowing this out of proportion and if anyone has spoiled Christmas, it's him! God, the nerve of the man!

I’m on angry again today, but also incredibly sad because I KNOW it’s over

Sadly you're right. And it gets more over every time he opens his mouth.

So far he's tried frying your brain with so many different stories, gaslighted you, made it your fault for not being exciting enough, your fault for not being cool about what he did, he's threatened, launched a pity party, tried emotional blackmail (suicide). Oh yes, he's done a lot -
but not once has he tried to do anything to acknowledge what he's done or how it's made you feel. It's all about him. And always will be. I hope you find the strength to leave, you DO deserve better that his sorry arse of a man.

PS If you really want to know what panic looks like, tell him that as his friends' partners are fine about it but you're struggling, you're going to ring them for a chat to see if they can help you see it differently

@MAK93

Show him this thread 😂👊🏻

No!

he has packed his suitcase and left.
he said HE is done.
I feel sick.

I’ve just read the thread. What a scum bag. HES ruined Christmas, not you. And you do realise that all the people he’s asked (if he has) will be the other slimy blokes that were with him while he paid for them to have drinks/dances and blew your family money. If he’s put you through shit in the past make this the final nail in the coffin, give yourself the best Christmas present ever and give yourself a future without him. You won’t stay alone and you haven’t wasted your best years - you’ve got plenty more ahead of you... Don’t waste them!

You’re obviously going to feel shocked and upset. But you couldn’t stay with him after his reactions and treatment. Can you call a friend or relative for someone to keep you company? Gather people that really care for you around you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Shock hits hard, have a warm drink, fluffy socks, background noise tv and be kind to yourself x

Be kind to yourself and don't let him back in!!!

@MorganKitten

However you seem to speak as if you know for a fact that “good clubs” have all these strict rules and there’s zero chance of funny business.... but you sound very naive as a good friend of mine has always done a lot of business in strip clubs, he takes all his clients there and they spend thousands in a night, also load up with coke and champagne. He has several girls in each of these “highly regulated clubs” who would be more than happy to party with (& shag) them all for money in hotels afterwards!!

@BosomHoik I worked is clubs, never had sex with anyone I danced for, never took drugs, never partied with any one outside of the club.
Have I been hired by events to dance for rock stars - yep, boots in Cannes film festival - yep. Still didn’t have sex with any client.

What an odd post

So because you've not rolled over, he is trying to shock you into submission? What a horrible man making it all about him. So sorry this is happening to you. It isn't your fault.

OP

You must be in shock right now and feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions. Just know that you will feel better and you will be happy again xx

@porcelaine

he has packed his suitcase and left. he said HE is done. I feel sick.

Do not panic. Thats what he expects.

We are all here albeit virtually but between us we must have enough knowhow to get you through this. We are all rooting for you and fwiw I think you're a badass for not backing down and swallowing his BS x

What has your sister said about all of this?

Is it possible is trying to shock you into changing your mind, forgiving him and begging him to come back to you? That's you'll see the "error of your ways" being angry, now you have hurt his feelings and he's left?

He may even believe it at some shady shitty level - but either way, that seems incredibly manipulative, a bit like the suicide threats.

I think when you don't beg him to come back, he will get very angry indeed. Please look after yourself, and share what is going on with someone in real life if you can?

You poor thing. How vile he is.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. This is all down to your H so don't let him gaslight you into it being your fault. Also, please don't believe the lies that 'everyone else's partner is cool with it' I bet they aren't he just knows you aren't likely to ask them. Also, even if he 'only' had lap dances the girls will have been naked and whilst there is a no touching policy generally, the girls themselves will straddle the punters and everything will be on display and they do rub against them usually. He has lied and lied to you, blamed you, said you were blowing this out of proportion and now he's run away because he wants to be the one to leave. Lock the door and go to bed, he's probably wanting you to plead for him to come back. Put yourself first and how you feel now. He's a wanker who doesn't deserve your sorrow. My best tip is that you are unlikely to sleep much, have some decaf tea and toast and put something boring on the tv or an audio book that you know well so you just have something to listen to while you are lying resting and you may doze off. Make plans to go to your sisters with the DC, it will be a good distraction for them.

OP he will be back. This is a calculated move to get you to panic and beg him for forgiveness.

I know this script like the back of my hand.

The strip club is almost a red herring here: what matters is that he is massively emotionally abusive. You know you have to get you and your children out of this situation and you're working on it.

What you have to do right now is not react, detach and find a way to keep yourself together while you figure out to move forward.

Have you talked to anyone about this in real life? You should do. Gather your friends and supporters because you will need them. Don't buy this bullshit about over-reacting. You're getting angry and angry is good. Don't let go of it, channel it. Use it as your fuel to get you away from this horrible man. But for now, be absolutely cold with him.

I'm glad he has left, OP. You deserve so much better than this.

Can you immediately withdraw whatever money you need until you get paid from the joint/household account? And also take half the money out of the joint savings account immediately, or block his access to it. Right now.

Sorry to be dramatic. From other threads on here, DHs have sometimes withdrawn money very quickly, leaving their wife and children with very little to live on until finances were sorted in settlements.

I wish he'd gone for good, even though it's a shock to you. It would save you having to decide. But I suspect he's already wondering (and getting quite annoyed about it) why you haven't rung him to ask where he is and please to come home. So it's a case of how long he can stay away before he cracks.

Then he'll either start with ever shittier and shittier messages, or turn up on the doorstep saying that 'he's decided to give you another chance'. Please stay strong, don't let him get away with his game playing. You can't live like this any longer.

Make plans for your sister's at Christmas, have the best time you can (I bet she spoils you rotten) and then deal with the aftermath in the new year.

And remember that MN will be here for you to gird your loins for you, stiffen your backbone, help compiling replies to messages or anything else that seems too much for you.

Let him go OP. Have a break from him.

@MorganKitten - so what?!

Because you’ve never done those things, no stripper - sorry ‘dancer’ - has?

Thinking of you op. Hoping you're off doing somthing nice and comforting for yourself.

Op he has handed you an opportunity here. Take it

I've been on the phone to my mum. im just in shock really.