To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

"He just tried to start it up"

What does that mean exactly?

Be dosen't sound exactly sorry anymore. He needs to move out and give you some
Space.

Show him this thread 😂👊🏻

Omg op
Leave him!
You already left hin a few times because of mental abusive. He is now gaslighting the shit out of you and you are falling for it because you are scared to be left alone? Being alone and happy is about 400 times better than being together and being used as a doormat. Promis.
Set an example for yourself and your kids.
You know what he has done. You know it. Choose happiness. Choose you.

Leave this gaslighting soab. He adds nothing to your life

For the love of God do not show a mumsnet thread to an abusive man who is the subject of the thread.
Makes me want to faceplant the wall every time idiots suggest it.

Thank goodness you have the back up of your sister.

He's a nasty sleezy bully, who can't cope with the fact that he can't behave in a scummy way and you just suck it up.

He is scum OP.
I think you know this.

Decent men don't do strip clubs and then brow beat their wives to just accept it.

Decent companies do not facilitate this either via expenses.

There is a type that does this.
Your husband is one of them.

Do not allow him to brow beat you into accepting hin being a sleeze.

Him saying others have told him that you are being unreasonable is so pathetic it truly is sad.

Please speak with your sister.

He’s also just come out again and said “this is it. You obviously desrrve better”. And as he walked away sadly saying “I hope you find it.”

I WILL NOT REACT

Wo set How many women he's asked, and whether his account is an unbiased as he probably thinks?! Or whether he's done the "poor old me" act to his similar thick brained chums.

Reckon I could hazard a guess...

Wonder, not wo set

Well he's correct in one thing. You do deserve better.

Stay strong OP.

You do deserve better.

His behaviour is so hideous I don’t know where to begin. He’s directing his anger at you solely because he totally unable to accept any responsibility for behaving in a way that is unacceptable in your marriage. Blaming you for overreacting is his cowardly way of dealing with the aftermath - he’s pretending it was nothing to be worked up about so life can go on the way he likes it. He’s talking absolute shite in the hope you’ll believe it.

LT f**king B!!
A*hole to try to flip tables on you.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned
Go to ur sister for xmas. Get some headspace away from that nasty gaslighter.
As the primary children carer you have more right to be in that house solely with your kids as thrir resident home than him.

I’ve just gone for a bath. Fuck him. He ricochets from apologetic to insulting to apologetic to threatening divorce. I can’t be arsed it’s all nonsense. Seeing his true colours so much.

YES! You and your kids deserve better!

From a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship surviver here

He will convince you that it's your fault its heightened to these serious stakes.

Please, oh god please, don't think that. He is abusing and gas lighting, using the children and their xmas as an excuse when he has now spent 800 quid at best on his dick, at worse to make you feel bad.

Your kids deserve better in a much longer run than "xmas".

Please save them, and yourself.

He is making it so much easier for you to end it because he is being such a complete dick!!

If you told him you need space, now tonight - is there any chance he might go and stay with one of his tosser mates? Or go to a hotel?

Otherwise, it’s the weekend tomorrow at least. Could you take the kids and go somewhere?

He really is taking some swings with that emotional abuse. Watch out for the threats of self harm next x

The fact is, whatever he may think, you will make sure dc have a fun christmas because you will be there putting them first.

fwiw I am glad you aren't downplaying this. Let him take his swings and just know it is because he is panicking now - because of his own idiocy

However you seem to speak as if you know for a fact that “good clubs” have all these strict rules and there’s zero chance of funny business.... but you sound very naive as a good friend of mine has always done a lot of business in strip clubs, he takes all his clients there and they spend thousands in a night, also load up with coke and champagne. He has several girls in each of these “highly regulated clubs” who would be more than happy to party with (& shag) them all for money in hotels afterwards!!

@BosomHoik I worked is clubs, never had sex with anyone I danced for, never took drugs, never partied with any one outside of the club.
Have I been hired by events to dance for rock stars - yep, boots in Cannes film festival - yep. Still didn’t have sex with any client.

Honestly I would leave my dh over this. I hope you’re okay

OP - YES I WPULD LEAVE HIM.

HE IS BULLYUNG YOU AND EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILING YOU.

THE LONGER HE IS IN THE HOUSE THE LONGER HE HAS TO GRIND YOU DOWN AND.MUDDLE YPUR THOUGHTS.

TELL HIM, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, HE NEEDS TO LEAVE YOUR ADDRESS NOW AND YOU WILL BE TEXTONG PEOPLE AND PUTTING ON FACEBOOK THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND IF THAT DOESNT SHAME HIM INTO LEAVING THEN PHONE A WOMENS REFUGE AND LEAVE.

YPUR CHILDREN ARE MORE DAMAGRD THROUGH THIS RELATIONSHIP THAN WITH A SINGLE MOTHER.

Also.
I told my OH about your predicament. He last went to a strip club while on a works thing about a year or so before he met me and he was absolutely gobsmacked at your fellas reaction to all of this.

I believe his exact words were "yeah I know blokes like that, trust me this will not have been the first time he has lied. Just the first time he's been caught out. You don't want this guy setting the bar for who your kids aspire to be like or be with.."

@porcelaine

he is in early 30s, he works in a well paid industry. he has a good degree, he has the outward trappings of an adult (HE pushed for marriage, kids etc), but now, he does something like this on a random night out? and the binge drinking since midday, anyway? the other 2 guys he was with, their fiancé and girlfriend are apparently fine with strip clubs. so I'm the weird one.

He pushed for marriage and kids, but it seems like (even before this) that he was not happy in the family situation he chose ... The stroppy, moody, emotionally abusive behaviour you referred to that was so bad that you gave him an ultimatum and were considering splitting (if that's correct?).

Which, given how level headed you seem, must have been really shitty, extensive, sustained behaviour from him.

I think he (alongside his charming mates) believe this sort of night out is their entitlement/reward for the huge sacrifice & load they designed to take on with the wife & kids.

The fact that they didn't have to conform and do the marriage & family thing yet or at all doesn't seem to occur to them. The fact that their wife is also experiencing workload, sacrifice, stress etc dies not occur to them. She's just the ball and chain who wanted to tie them down, wanted kids and should be grateful he married her and had them. He's the main breader winner and that's the only money and contribution that matters.

You can't get around that mentality. Those men will never change their fundamental outlook.

I don't believe the other partners are ok.with it all but if they are they have low standards and are hugely under the thumb.

When my DH (then bf) went into a strip.club on a stag do, two guys were attached (aside from the bride to be whose response I don't know) and both of us were v unhappy about it. The other partner was annoyed and upset but would not be a deep thinker or "feminist" and had her own wedding imminent and so let it go (I'm not sure if she agreed he would not go into one again). I was extremely angry and hurt, got revenge by going to a male strip club, the relationship was in a shit state for quite some time, and he agreed not to go into one again, even on a stag do. The vast majority of women I know are not ok with it, and that's with many being quite naive about the levels of nudity and contact.

You're not the odd one out, at all.

He really is taking some swings with that emotional abuse. Watch out for the threats of self harm next x

Oh he's already threatened.suicide.

Then there was the bullshit donation to charity (without consulting op, from their shared savings, right before Christmas).

Now he's threatening to leave to try to get ok to panic/browbeat her and let it go.

As well as all the lying abd gas lighting and making out she's odd for not being ok with his behaviour.