To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Can he sing and dance? He can certainly tell a good story.

And he also assured me that the place was serving food so was in line with covid regulations.

Oh, much better. Issue resolved, all over, nothing to see here, time to go home.

What an absolute twat he is.

And he also assured me that the place was serving food so was in line with covid regulations.

God he gives me absolute full body ick, what a loser. You're going to be so relieved when the transitional bit is over and you're free of this dickhead!

Op, you sound way too intelligent for all this bollocks.

There is a strip club near to my daughter’s school and, because if it and the delightful clientele, the girls aren’t allowed to go out the gates in their PE skorts (they have to have the tracksuit trousers on).

The men who come out of that place are physically repulsive, frankly. Literally on the furthest perimeters of society. And evidently as thick as two short planks. No job, no prospects, no life as far as I can tell. I don’t know how the strippers can even bear to look at some of them, let alone go near them. Oh the glamour (not). But even this place isn’t free entry.... The mind boggles at the standards in this “Griffin... “

He is a creep. There are enough of them on the streets without having to have one in the house as well.

What would he say if you told him to go to a hotel? Now. Then you will go to your sister’s the second the kids finish school on the 18th and when you come back you fully expect him to have made other arrangements.

With all the history and his attitude towards he has done on the night out yes I would end it if I were you.

There will be more of the same in the future because this isn't the first incidence of appalling behaviour from him that he's tried to whitewash over.

@myla1

Op, you sound way too intelligent for all this bollocks.

There is a strip club near to my daughter’s school and, because if it and the delightful clientele, the girls aren’t allowed to go out the gates in their PE skorts (they have to have the tracksuit trousers on).

The men who come out of that place are physically repulsive, frankly. Literally on the furthest perimeters of society. And evidently as thick as two short planks. No job, no prospects, no life as far as I can tell. I don’t know how the strippers can even bear to look at some of them, let alone go near them. Oh the glamour (not). But even this place isn’t free entry.... The mind boggles at the standards in this “Griffin... “

Sexual assaults on women go up in the surrounding areas to these places. Which means one of two things (or both). They attract the dregs of the male population who treat women as objects to be assaulted and abused OR (and) these places encourage men to think of women as objects to be assaulted and abused.

This is what is being normalised. Men who perve on schoolchildren.

And he also assured me that the place was serving food so was in line with covid regulations.

That'll be a scotch egg with salad garnish then ?

Honestly next he'll be telling you the women were fully clothed in nuns' habits and veils and wearing green wellies whilst pole dancing !

I'm sorry I shouldn't be so flippant - you are being treated so badly by him. He sadly doesn't seem to hold your relationship in much regard as he can do this to you and your family when he's meant to be on his best behaviour after only coming back from in Sept / Oct.

It's totally understandable your flipping from numbness to anger - it's the grief process. You're grieving for your marriage, for the life you had planned and that of your children's. Grief takes time to work through

In his world it's normalised and a mans right. And wives should be lenient. And alcohol is the ultimate excuse

Well yes, and that's why he behaves like an alley cat - because he honestly thinks this is normal, that you're making a fuss over nothing and that you'll simmer down eventually so he can get on with it in peace

I'm only surprised that he's not moved onto the "blaming you" gambit yet, but really your only decision is whether you'll endorse his repulsive views by staying with him. He's given you grief before, he's still giving you grief and he's not going to change, so the only change has to come from you

In his world it's normalised and a mans right. And wives should be lenient. And alcohol is the ultimate excuse

Yes, all men who go to these places say that, as do the women who condone it.

But we known that’s simply not true, otherwise there would be as many strip clubs as there are bars and restaurants.

Whereas, actually, strip clubs make up a tiny minority of such hospitality venues.

Of course, the men who go to these places - and much more so, their wives and girlfriends - have a pretty strong need to make out it’s something everyone does, and everyone should be OK with.

Because if they didn’t, they’d be forced to admit they’re the anomaly. And then they’d have to question why it’s actually something the majority of people don’t do, or agree with.

I think he did try the blaming OP gambit, initially. Followed by the obligatory woe is me / passing suicide threat.

How old is he OP? What does he do for a job?

“In his world it's normalised and a mans right. And wives should be lenient. And alcohol is the ultimate excuse”

Yes, it’s precisely this attitude that is the crux of the matter. No woman can live with that. Not unless they are in a coma or something. Or so far down the rabbit hole they might as well be in a coma.

Let him live his “normalised” version of life. That would be in the gutter with like-minded morons. Let him f* up relationship after relationship because he doesn’t have what it takes. Let him go... see how far he gets.

You can’t change selfish, entitled men. Generally, they don’t have the self-insight and / or are fundamentally dense.

There are decent men in the world op, sadly yours doesn't seem to be amongst them. Some men have the utmost respect for women and treat their partners as such.

You know what you know and if this isn't the man you want to be with make a plan, doesn't have to be today but make one so you have a safety net for when/if you do decide to leave.

Personally I would rather be single than with a man who thought so little of me that he would spend £400 on god knows what then blame me for it.

I have too much respect for myself to stay where I'm treated so badly and if I had kids I certainly wouldn't want them growing up believing this is normal.

Strip clubs take the piss - over charge for everything - having a table/ having a drink etc..

Strip clubs are shut tho? Where was it?

he is in early 30s, he works in a well paid industry. he has a good degree, he has the outward trappings of an adult (HE pushed for marriage, kids etc), but now, he does something like this on a random night out? and the binge drinking since midday, anyway? the other 2 guys he was with, their fiancé and girlfriend are apparently fine with strip clubs. so I'm the weird one.

It really doesn't matter how other people's relationship function, what matters is yours.

The strip club also is only part of the situation and not the most important part to me.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but how drunk did he seem when he came home? The missing money, 12 hours drinking but not too out of it to be chucked out of anywhere, I'd be guessing cocaine was involved too.

If it was me in the position I think I’d have to leave. Not because of the going to a strip club as I feel I would be able to get over that. But definitely for the gaslighting, the fact he is making you out to be crazy for not being ok with this, the deleted text messages, the money and then more money!!

You are not the one in the wrong here OP!

its not just the strip club though s his previous behaviour plus the lies

he sounds about ten when he pulls the my mates wives are fine with it shit

@porcelaine

he is in early 30s, he works in a well paid industry. he has a good degree, he has the outward trappings of an adult (HE pushed for marriage, kids etc), but now, he does something like this on a random night out? and the binge drinking since midday, anyway? the other 2 guys he was with, their fiancé and girlfriend are apparently fine with strip clubs. so I'm the weird one.

God he's such a fucking child.

"Ugh why can't I stay out til 10, Ben's mum lets him, you're the worst mum EVER"

But to his wife.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a horrible man.

You're still young and you're obviously a decent and intelligent person - you've got so much of your life ahead of you that you now won't have to spend listening to this eejit's bullshit. I know it doesn't feel like it now but it'll be a good thing when you're divorced and can just focus on coparenting and your new life

@porcelaine

he is in early 30s, he works in a well paid industry. he has a good degree, he has the outward trappings of an adult (HE pushed for marriage, kids etc), but now, he does something like this on a random night out? and the binge drinking since midday, anyway? the other 2 guys he was with, their fiancé and girlfriend are apparently fine with strip clubs. so I'm the weird one.

Yeah that's what he said but I seriously doubt they are fine with it

porcelaine - if it is the case (which I doubt) that this other girlfriend and the fiancé are all fine with this behaviour - well, more fool them! It won’t end well.

As a pp said, of course people who frequent strip clubs will try and normalise it. What’s the alternative - admitting you are a creep? The fact is, for the vast majority of people, this kind of thing is a total non-issue because it wouldn’t cross their minds to go in a strip club. They have more self-respect.

Would you dream of going into a scenario where boys come round with pint glasses asking for a pound coin before they have to grind around, stick their naked crotch in your face while you sit there eating pizza ( due to Tier 2 regulations, you understand). No, you would cringe because it would feel uncomfortable and exploitative and you would be more concerned with what had gone on for these boys in their lives. That’s because you are a normal person with human dignity. But sadly, not everyone is.

The men who come out if the strip club near my DD’s school (this is In Hammersmith) are fairly awful. I doubt any of them are married. They have to pay women. And they have no qualms about leering at DD and her friends and making for an unpleasant atmosphere in general. This is the type of people your DH identifies with and normalises. It’s no joke.

Fuck I am literally shaking now. He just tried to start it up, I continued to say I was angry, he ended up getting belligerent and saying “everyone he’s talked to” thinks I’m blowing this out of proportion. Saying I’m an “angry person” and have been since he met me. Saying that I am “refusing to resolve this” and I’m gonna “ruin dc’s Xmas”. Now he has just said, I can’t kick him out legally as he’s looked it up, so “he will still be here”.
I feel completely upset.

How dare he say YOU have ruined the DC’s Xmas!

How far away does your sister live?

And if he is so convinced “everyone” would think you are blowing things out of proportion, show him this thread. 700 posts. Almost exclusively people who are appalled livid on your behalf. I think that counts for more than his self-selected dickhead mates. Tell him to get a grip.