To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Yes,

It's disrespectful going to a strip club but that isn't why I'd leave. I'd leave because;

I wouldn't be able to trust him,
He placed impressing his friends above his own family's financial security,
He lied and tried to hide the evidence of what actually happened by deleting texts,
Sounds like a twat

My DH went to strip clubs when younger before dc and I didn't consider leaving him.
But we had discussed it beforehand and I had said I was ok with it.

But I wouldn't be ok with family money we couldn't afford being spent behind my back.
I wouldn't be ok with being blamed for this happening.
I wouldn't be okay with the lying and minimizing.
I also would be cross about a large charity donation being taken from a house deposit fund without consulting me.

It is the lying and the lack of equal partnership that I wouldn't want.

Yes, I would end the relationship and initiate divorce.

It's not an isolated incident, it is a continuation of his abuse of you. That includes all the manipulation in recent days.

He is never going to stop abusing you.

There are no "consequences" for him of mistreating you, because he knows whatever he does you will put up with it. You always have. So he will continue to get worse.

And kids will still love a parent who beats them and rapes them. It doesn't mean you keep the abuser around. It's the job of adults to protect children from all forms of abuse, regardless of whether the child is capable of understanding it is abuse.

Don't throw your life away. Don't throw your children's futures in the bin.

DH knows that I consider lap dances cheating. Would I leave if he cheated? I hope so. Would I leave if he cheated then lied, gaslit, spent money from family savings, whined about me being upset and had already been emotionally abusive? Damn skippy I fucking would.

Yeah I would leave..in a context where he's not been great for a long time anyway, then doing whatever he's done (aka whatever the hell he wanted) and using family money we couldn't afford, then his absurd gaslighting responses and refusal to take responsibility - I'd be conflicted too but I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who treats me like that tbh.

@BoomyBooms

Yeah I would leave..in a context where he's not been great for a long time anyway, then doing whatever he's done (aka whatever the hell he wanted) and using family money we couldn't afford, then his absurd gaslighting responses and refusal to take responsibility - I'd be conflicted too but I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who treats me like that tbh.

This.

It's not just the lap dancing, it's all the other shitty behaviour as well

I don’t know if I said this in my op but right after he told me literally like5 min after when I was shocked/angry, he was like “oh don’t blow this out of proportion”.
That was BEFORE I saw how much money he’d spent, how long he’d been there, before I demanded to know about the private dances. Which he knew about and chose to gaslight me from right after he told me. Because in his world it snormalised and a mans right. And wives should be lenient. And alcohol is the ultimate excuse.
I’m on angry again today, but also incredibly sad because I KNOW it’s over. I am an optimist but really... I can’t do this. I don’t want him to be the guy I end up with.

OP - honestly you don't need to make any decisions now. Don't be pressured by your husband or people on Mumsnet - just get through Christmas and spend some time thinking about what you want / need out of life and maybe talk it through with someone you trust / respect.

You are understandably upset and shocked at what has happened - but you would not be so utterly devastated if your marriage and your belief in your husband wasn't already at rock bottom. Yes some people can get over things like this - (crossing boundaries, lying, blowing much needed family money right before Christmas etc. etc.) but only if deep down they still love and respect their OH.

You haven't given us details of the 'emotional abuse' that you put up with earlier this year, but seeing how important it is for you to stay married, I'm assuming it was pretty bad if you ended up separating. Did he ever give you any reason for his behaviour?

I also don't believe he paid for everyone else to have a dance. If they are all wealthier than him they would be splashing the cash, not the other way round - I don't know many wealthy guys who sit around letting someone with less money 'treat' them.

So sorry that you're going through this. I wouldn't leave my husband in the highly unlikely event of him doing something so shitty. However, he is an other wise good man, a perfect husband and father. But if our relationship had been on the rocks, he knew that and he knew that he had to make more of an effort, then it may well be the straw that brokerage camel's back. Just focus on your children over Christmas and try to get through it.

Ultimately Op it’s up to you whether you leave or not.
However, if you stay he will continue to do as he pleases. He will continue to lie, gaslight you etc.
I find the ‘donation’ to the refuge quite distasteful. He didn’t donate the money because he wanted to, he donated it to shut you up and to absolve himself of any feelings of guilt. In fact, I am not convinced that he feels that guilty. He’s just annoyed that he was found out and has to explain himself.
He’s probably furious with you because you are not doing what Elsa suggested which is to ‘ let it go’.

I’m on angry again today, but also incredibly sad because I KNOW it’s over. I am an optimist but really... I can’t do this. I don’t want him to be the guy I end up with

From the moment you tell him its over and get him out...those feelings of anger will turn to relief...and then pride.

And be sure you tell him not to blow it out of proportion as you're showing him the door.

To be honest, yes. I would have to leave my husband in those circumstances as, when all is said and done, I couldn’t respect him anymore. And when you can’t find any respect for your own husband, what do you have? He should be your rock. Not someone you have to compromise your core integrity to tolerate.

If this was a man at work or anyone else you knew, you would think “creep” and distance yourself. That would not be an individual you would want to associate with or have around your kids. The decision would be so easy.

I’m so sorry.

I feel like strip clubs are very normalised and even on stag dos when the guy is about to get married, at least that’s a special occasion though, not a night out in a pandemic. He says going to one once doesn’t make him “that kind of guy”. But he was there over 4 hours and spent that much cash, so...

Men going to strip clubs & perving over women actually repulses me. I could never be with someone like that.

Look, can you go somewhere with the DC for Christmas?

You had already left him before this - what happened then? Surely it wouldn't be much of a shock to your family.

I would make plans to leave from now through Christmas to get away from him so you can start planning.

Yes I would leave a man like this - you already did!

I can go to my sisters for Xmas, she already suggested it. It was meant to be our family
Xmas at home. But I literally hate the thought of being stuck with him. I know he will kick off if I say I want to do that. Not going anywhere til Dc school breaks up around the 18th though.

He will be like- ok in that case you obviously want a divorce, etc etc. He will try and mess me around and guilt me. But he’s made a joke of family Xmas.

Men going to strip clubs & perving over women actually repulses me. I could never be with someone like that.

And then men being fleeced by the club, and performed for by women who loathe them (or are probably laughing at them behind closed doors), and are literally only doing it for money.

There isn’t a single aspect about it that it’s grim.

The men think the women are trash and the women think the men are trash.

Where else in life do people literally come together to hate on each other?

that’s not* grim.

@Bluntness100

The fact there are two withdraws makes me fearful this might have been the case

Oh cmon, you can easily spend triple this in these clubs, he likely just ran out of money, and secondly equating lap dancers/strippers with prostitutes is not cool. Good clubs are hugely regulated, the women earn extortionate amounts of money and are not prostitues.

Getting hysterical and trying to make it as bad as possible for the op isn’t cool.

Yes you can spend triple, ten times, a hundred times more!

However you seem to speak as if you know for a fact that “good clubs” have all these strict rules and there’s zero chance of funny business.... but you sound very naive as a good friend of mine has always done a lot of business in strip clubs, he takes all his clients there and they spend thousands in a night, also load up with coke and champagne. He has several girls in each of these “highly regulated clubs” who would be more than happy to party with (& shag) them all for money in hotels afterwards!!

Whilst it’s true that not all strippers are working, some are. And it’s misleading and untrue to imply because a club is less seedy or regulated/famous (spearmint or stringfellows etc), that this doesn’t go on 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 . I’m not sure why you speak with such authority when you’re just wrong?!?

@porcelaine

He will be like- ok in that case you obviously want a divorce, etc etc. He will try and mess me around and guilt me. But he’s made a joke of family Xmas.

so call his bluff. say yes, you are actually considering the prospect of divorce. Of course he will try to guilt trip you, he has already started - luckily you seem wise to his actions x

However you seem to speak as if you know for a fact that “good clubs” have all these strict rules and there’s zero chance of funny business.

I have to admit the ‘good clubs’ thing stood out to me, too.

We have no idea exactly where he went (since he conveniently withdrew cash 🙄), so it could’ve been a ‘good’ club, an ‘average’ club or downright ‘seedy’ club.

And given there are unaccounted hours after the club may have closed, we don’t know what may have happened off-premises, when clearly there is no regulation about what goes on, whatsoever.

This ‘good club’ aspect of the argument seems remarkably flimsy, and yes, naive.

Perhaps it’s being used to provide the OP with some hope that all is not lost. But given that being in the club itself is merely the tip of a much more treacherous iceberg, that ship has sailed (and sunk).

Porcelain - I agree with others that there is no rush to make any decisions, although like you, the thought of sharing Christmas Day with him would be unbearable. It sounds like you have family around for support and options.

And any ‘good’ clubs opening under COVID restrictions clearly aren’t all that hot on complying with regulations, anyway...

I am sorry☹️ It's an awful situation to be in. I hope you can make the right decision for you ( however you wish to proceed).

Oh. And he also assured me that the place was serving food so was in line with covid regulations. Pizza with your fucking private pole dance ? I’m so angry this can even be happening during covid tier 2. I haven’t seen my dad since March, a friend of mine has been seriously ill with covid.