To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

hes trying to make you just forigve and move on from this-making it feel like it your fault its not

would you want your children to be with prtner like this-if not why is it ok for you t stay with him

The Postal Museum is just around the corner. Maybe he went mad in the gift shop.

Grim indeed. Fully nude pole dances. So why would the private dances be clothed?

There may indeed be an axe hanging over him. But, newsflash! - it was him who put it there.

And he's up and down that stepladder suspending more woodcutting equipment from the ceiling with every passing, lying, gaslighting, abusive hour. All his own work!

Op I've read your thread and what strikes me most and I hope this spurs you on, is that you seem extremely level headed, thoughtful, strong and very aware of your own value.
To have those built in strengths even tho you've been pissed about and let down will serve you well.

I think you'd be better off taking those strengths out of this marriage.
He sounds manipulative, childish and does not deserve you at all!!

I know it's coming up to Christmas and that's a whole other thing but I hope you can keep strong.

@candycane222

There may indeed be an axe hanging over him. But, newsflash! - it was him who put it there.

And he's up and down that stepladder suspending more woodcutting equipment from the ceiling with every passing, lying, gaslighting, abusive hour. All his own work!

He thinks that ultimately she will back down, he can win her over, she needs him more than he needs her They always overreach don't they....

I know its sunk costs but I've invested so much of myself in this.

Yes exactly, sunk costs!!!

Sunk costs just get worse over time. When you start realising that the costs you've sunk have been your childrens' entire childhoods, when it's too late to get out and build a new, genuinely good life when they are young enough to benefit from seeing you happy and being guided by that.

So he's blown £400 on a night out and then £400 to try to even things out for his own precious pride. Are you fucking kidding me?!

Please do yourself a favour, clear out the joint account and send him to his mothers. You said he has been emotionally abusive in the past. Seems to me he is still playing you.
what a twat

@Sandals19

I havent read the whole thread...i knew some one who worked in one of these places...she said no nudity was allowed..or licence would be revoked...private dances also not naked....unless he went to some dodgey place around brewer st soho....lots of doorway clubs there.

I've read reviews of these clubs; men are quite specific about the levels of nudity, they have no reason to lie, they're punters advising other punters. There's nudity, there are simulated sex acts, one guy was taking about paying for a "lesbian" private dance/show and how one girl "definitely got a few licks on target" ... They all vary, and what is supposed to happen is not be necessarily what happens. I know men who've had fully nude private dances in cities far more rural.than London. I know a girl who went to string fellows and said the dances were fully nude.

Yes Strings is fully nude as it has the license. I made a lot of money there. It depends on the clubs license as to what the girls wear and how far they go. Also that whole lesbian show thing, some of the girls are very good at acting and men pay more for it, there won’t be sexual contact between the girls really.

I actually find his donation to the refuge a fucking repulsive under the circumstances. Contributed to the abuse of women and has a history of treating the women in his life like shit and appears to be continuing with his manipulation, but somehow it can all be justified and forgiven by donating the same value in cash he used to fund the objectification of women, to help women of abuse. Money that wasn't even his to donate. He spent joint finances on whatever he has done and then used joint finances to make a donation to make him feel better, but he made you, his wife, stump up half for his fucking wrong doing. Honestly, what a jerk. He's not remorseful at all.

Please take whatever money is yours and put it somewhere safe. I couldn't trust him to make rational decisions re money after this.

Yes Strings is fully nude as it has the license. I made a lot of money there. It depends on the clubs license as to what the girls wear and how far they go.
Also that whole lesbian show thing, some of the girls are very good at acting and men pay more for it, there won’t be sexual contact between the girls really.

And so is this club.

So I didn't understand your post.

Also I doubt being "good at acting" convinced the customer in that "lesbian" double private dance example that one girl's tongue made contact with the other's vulva several times, seems a big of a stretch.

*bit of a stretch

@Sandals19

*Yes Strings is fully nude as it has the license. I made a lot of money there. It depends on the clubs license as to what the girls wear and how far they go. Also that whole lesbian show thing, some of the girls are very good at acting and men pay more for it, there won’t be sexual contact between the girls really.*

And so is this club.

So I didn't understand your post.

Also I doubt being "good at acting" convinced the customer in that "lesbian" double private dance example that one girl's tongue made contact with the other's vulva several times, seems a big of a stretch.

They wouldn’t be going down on each other in the club even in private rooms. Security reports back what goes on in the rooms, a thing that could lose a licence gets you fired on the spot and you still pay the house fee that night.

It’s irrelevant whether anyone goes down on who and who wears what or whatever. Who actually cares? These kind of details are all just hot air. It’s a statement of how low a woman is when she has to force herself to rationalise this kind of nonsense - what was the stripper wearing etc etc. Who cares what strippers wear fgs! Meanwhile, on planet earth, most people don’t give this kind of crap the time of day. Because they don’t need to! OP, you don’t need to either. Please get some support and refocus. Don’t compromise your integrity.

Ok, so. Would you leave a partner or husband if he did this? It’s a genuine question as I feel like I don’t know what the appropriate response is. I

I wouldn't NECESSARILY leave a partner if he did this

But I would definitely leave him if he reacted as YOUR partner is reacting

The way he is treating you is shocking imo

If I'd had all the previous problems with him like you have...yes I would leave him.
You have put in enough effort and work into him and he is still a mess. And you have 3 children.

You cannot afford for your time and patience to be spent on him and the shit he brings...your children dont deserve it. Neither do you.
How many time do you want him to embarrass and humiliate you and your children?

I feel awful this is happening to you. And as a pp said...the way he has acted afterwards is shocking. Its turning my stomach and I'm cringing for him. I couldn't respect someone who spoke and lied to me like I was an idiot even after the fact.

It appears he truly believes that youre thick enough to believe him and eventually and let it go. Please dont.

I think u have 2 issues here

1. Your DH went to a strip club. Now remember these are strip clubs not brothels so unlikely anything more than him watching semi clad women dance around. Only u know whether your ok with that.

1. (And what for me Ian the bigger issue) is that’s just before Xmas with 3 kids he spent £400 of family money which u say u can’t really afford on himself. I think that’s the one to Ben possess about personally.

@porcelaine

Ok, so. Would you leave a partner or husband if he did this? It’s a genuine question as I feel like I don’t know what the appropriate response is. I

Would I leave my husband if he went to a strip club? No. Would I leave him for spending £400 and then reacting to my upset with gaslighting and serious straw clutching only to top it off by withdrawing another £400 of family money to make himself feel better? You're damn straight I would

@porcelaine

Ok, so. Would you leave a partner or husband if he did this? It’s a genuine question as I feel like I don’t know what the appropriate response is. I

Yes.

He’s an abusive asshole who won’t take responsibility for his actions, has a hideously misogynistic view of women and is gaslighting you. Not to mention all the money.

I know it’s hard and the children love him, but you’ll be showing them how a person who values herself behaves. That’s important, and far better parenting than showing them a dysfunctional and damaged relationship.

You are worth so much more than this.

I'm with the others. I'd probably forgive the strip club (but would be furious) but the minimising and deflecting I wouldn't tolerate.
Besides, I'm not sure from your descriptions if it's worth saving anyway given his past emotionally abusive behaviour.

Would I leave my husband if he went to a strip club? No. Would I leave him for spending £400 and then reacting to my upset with gaslighting and serious straw clutching only to top it off by withdrawing another £400 of family money to make himself feel better? You're damn straight I would

Couldn't agree more with this op.
It seems this is the part your husband cant find fault in. He doesn't get it. You'll be banging your head off a wall trying to make him see.
And he'll just carry on gaslighting you so eventually you may not even question him anymore for fear of seeming dramatic or to simply not 'rock the boat'.

We're the same age op...and while my life hasn't been all peachy..I just couldn't imagine resigning myself to this kind of life with a man like this...at 33. It will be a long,dark life.. full of questioning and distrust.
And he just seems like a bit of an idiot who has no accountability for anything he does.

Show your children you are all worth more than living with a moron who takes money from you all and makes your life complicated and miserable.

IF it was the only issue in an otherwise happy marriage, no. If he was genuinely sorry, if he was doing everything he could to build bridges afterwards, if he was bothered about the pain he'd put you through, no.

But it isn't. He isn't. He's abusive, he's gaslighting you, he's changing his story, he's making about him and making it your fault that he feels bad (actually I'm not sure he does feel bad. He just wants to play the victim card to make you back off), he's spent a lot of money, he's a sleaze....for all of those, yes I would.

As I've said before and others have too, he wanted to get back together but you're the only one actually doing anything different. The thing about sunk costs is that they keep growing - do you want another 5/10/20 years of his shit just because of how much you've already put in? Because shit it (99.99% certain) it will be.