To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

make your plan (housing, money, childcare) yourself and then if / when you feel ready, make it happen. The more planning you do the more capable you'll feel to make the break
I think this makes total sense, do the research and preparation so that you have it ready to roll out as and when the time is right✅

Actually one of my friends told me recently he met his wife in a strip club. No prior marriages or children involved, she was working and took a shine to him and sent one of her colleagues over to say so.

I had to pause and think about that for a few seconds as I thought it was an unusual way to meet someone, topless and shy and smitten.

It's completely different in this case as he has responsibilities and spent money he shouldn't have, suspect he got caught up in the moment and didn't think it through.

He is trying to guilt me about taking a step back right now. Saying it’s like living with the axe over his head. But none of this had to happen. I’m not a dick for having feelings.

@porcelaine no that's not right. He obviously made an error of judgement but he can't negate your feelings.

@porcelaine

He is trying to guilt me about taking a step back right now. Saying it’s like living with the axe over his head. But none of this had to happen. I’m not a dick for having feelings.

He got pissed up, lied and then when confessing - BEST case scenario spent £280 on other women dancing for him naked, lost £100 and then unilaterally donated £400 of your joint savings to a charity.

Worst case scenario, he got pissed up, lied, but spent £280 on women dancing naked for him, paid for some extras and / or an escort, then unilaterally donated £400 of your joint savings to a refuge.

Best case he spent £680 total on women who aren't you, most of whom are likely to have been abused, trafficked or coerced by the behaviour of men like him.

Worst case all that and he got a hand job / blow job / shag.

How DARE he make out you're being mean to him!! Ugh. Please start making a plan OP he doesn't deserve someone kind and clever like you!

@Frownette

Actually one of my friends told me recently he met his wife in a strip club. No prior marriages or children involved, she was working and took a shine to him and sent one of her colleagues over to say so.

I had to pause and think about that for a few seconds as I thought it was an unusual way to meet someone, topless and shy and smitten.

It's completely different in this case as he has responsibilities and spent money he shouldn't have, suspect he got caught up in the moment and didn't think it through.

“Suspect he got caught up and didn’t think it through”. Have you read the whole thread and seen the multiple different stories he’s gone through. Followed by insinuating it’s the OP’s fault for being “distant”. Followed by the one thing that’s bound to make it all ok - donating £400 to a refuge?

I am definitely one for sitting on the fence and trying to see every single point of view - but in this case the cockerel on the weather vane is definitely pointing in one definite direction!

OP I think you're overthinking the detail of the night, maybe to process but probably to try and come to some sort of justification.....I've been there and done that many times before. BUT the headlines are simple;
He is known emotionally abusive
He has now been financially abusive too
He has disrespected you and DC
He is continuing to be emotionally abusive by diminishing your feelings and making this about him.

Whether he spent 10 quid or 400 quid these are the facts as I see them. The decision is not whether to accept what happened that night or find evidence to support his story. The decision is whether you want to be with this man. Clearly from what you've said if you did decide to leave it would not be because of this one event but the catalogue which came before.

You are intelligent. You will establish a new life. You will move on. You will meet someone once you've healed from this. You need to believe in yourself. I certainly do x

Hi OP. You've said a couple of times about how much the kids love him and that you don't want to "mess them up" by divorcing.

I just wanted to say that the absolute best thing you can do for your children is to show them a strong role model. He's been emotionally abusive in the past (is this definitely all over?) which is awful for children to be exposed to. He has shown he doesn't care about your feelings, in either his behaviour in going to the strip club, and also by not respecting your requests for space to process what has happened.

Please don't think a divorce would mess your kids up. My parents divorced, and although it was difficult at the time, I really admired my mother for exiting a relationship that wasn't healthy for her.

You've said he is playing Disney Dad and doing activities with the kids now. He should be doing that stuff all the time! That is what parenting is!

I wish you all the best for your future, OP. You sound really strong and I hope you have a happy life without him.

@Furries yeah I did think that was juxtaposition. It was that friend told me this week and I'm still trying to process it.

Husband really has to acknowledge how OP feels and be linear in how that happened, not mess with her head.

@porcelaine He’s gaslighting you. It’s basically the shaggy song “it wasn’t me” and it works because if we hear something repeatedly, we start to believe it.
From the outside it sounds like utter horse manure but because you don’t want this hideous reality -have a tiny glimmer of hope.. he’s pushing it.
I can’t speak for your H but I have had someone swear blind to me that they were telling the truth, looking utterly genuine and 100% convincing- and I actually knew - knew because I’d seen myself- that it was a lie. Well repeated.
It’s heartbreaking to think you previously fell for it.

Someone else’s bad behaviour is only ever about them. Their lack of morals. Their lack of character.
This guy has shown you repeatedly who he really is and how convincing he can be when he wants something.
A man telling the truth wouldn’t have changed his story, or stripped his phone. You know that.
Big hugs.

What an utterly revolting man 🤮

@porcelaine

He is trying to guilt me about taking a step back right now. Saying it’s like living with the axe over his head. But none of this had to happen. I’m not a dick for having feelings.

Yes, the absolutely MOST important thing is that he feels better about this. You can't have him worrying or feeling bad.

Says all you need to know. It's still about him not you.

Wanker.

Says here it's a brothel too...

Also, I know this is a terrible time to ask this but... have you seen a receipt for the £400 that he says he donated to a refuge? Almost all refuges are taking online donations now so I assume he has an email trail. Otherwise, if he’s spending on cocaine suddenly, or if he’s suddenly developed a relationship with a sex worker, it could just be an excuse for why he took out another £400.

Refuge donations? what have I missed?!

I think it's actually worse he's gone somewhere women are demeaned to walking around around collecting £1 coins in a fucking glass and highlights his true view of women. It's also impossible he's spent £400, £280, in such an establishment. I too think the escort avenue is very plausible, coupled with his not-so-passive aggressiveness towards you and his initial story doesn't tally. He's not changed from emotionally abusing you. Then the fait d'accomplis of playing disney dad and donating another £400 you don't have (guilty conscience) to a refuge. He has zero remorse for his actions, and will never display any.

You have three children under 10, children who will already be learning about relationships from the two of you.

You might want to read Laura Bates' - "Men Who Hate Women".

Ah sorry...I just saw the post about the donation. Jesus hes really trying every move to get you to forget this and feel sorry for him.
Its cringeworthy.
Plus that fact its advertised as a brothel on some web pages. Either way, the man is a sad loser. How mortifying.

@Notimeforaname

Says here it's a brothel too...

I don't read it that way. For me, that's like if you've found a museum and the page says, 'To find more museums and art galleries, click here.' Or if you've found a bar and the page says, 'To find more bars or restaurants, click here.:

Doesn't necessarily follow that the bar you've found is also a restaurant.

I have read most of this thread and what I can tell you for sure is... He has zero respect for you..., lying, crossing known boundarys, sliding family money into a g string of some random woman in a sleazy strip club.
Woman who are 'cool' and fine with their guys lining strippers pockets, while sitting oogling them naked, honestly, good for you :)
OP there is NOTHING wrong with that being the end of things for you. I don't know a single real life friend who would stick by a man who had naked women grind on them.. and pay for it!
Whatever you choose to do, don't let anybody tell you, you are wrong for feeling the way you do! From what you have said in your updates id be more concerned about him being a liar, being in a relationship where you cannot believe a word that comes out of that persons mouth will never amount to anything in the end. Wish you the best!

I can't get past the fact I have to wear a mask to go in a shop and I can't go and have a glass of wine with my friend, but men can legally pay women to grind on them fully naked in a fucking pandemic. I'm actually furious. Sleazy bastard men rule the world don't they.

I feel really sorry for you I wouldn't want to be married to that awful specimen.

cocaine.

that´s how people spend 400 in a night. Sorry to be blunt but it was the first thing that comes to mind, especially given that he took out cash.

OP, do you have anyone you could talk to about this in real life? I think it could help. Or even book a counsellor for some impartial support. It’s probably about £60 per session, but so what - it’s nothing to what he’s spent on women, is it? You could have 12 sessions for the money he’s wasted.

What he is doing now is biding his time as he reckons you will “get over it” in a few days or weeks. He probably thinks, “Oh it’s Christmas soon, I’ll just have to get her a nicer-than-usual present and that’ll shut her up and we can all move on to the New Year... new start for “us” etc etc - all that bollocks...”

OP, I don’t know you obviously. But I am 47 and know a lot of people and I can honestly say to you that I can’t think of a single woman who would stay with a man like this. Not one.

I’m not telling you they to make you feel any worse because you don’t need that. I’m telling you because it’s the truth. You shouldn’t have to contend with this kind of thing and you deserve so much better then a man like this. It’s truly appalling.

I haven’t posted in AIBU for ages but felt compelled to on your behalf because this man sounds hideous and an utter hypocrite.

Please confide in someone on real life and don’t let him wear you down until there’s nothing left. You sound intelligent and lovely, but he will drain the life out of you. Take care and don’t get worn down by him. No more.

Cos they are