To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

He what???? He fucking blew another £400 not even on you but to guilt trip you. Fuck this guys so much. He is a total scumbag.

OP, I'm sorry to keep on about this, but the Griffin is a cheap place, super cheap, we're talking a £40 night including a dance and drinks.

It is, however, London's#1 bar to meet escorts in: www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=where+to+meet+escorts+at+bars&find_loc=London

The reason I mention this again, isn't because I want to ruin your day - it's because if this is the case, then you NEED an STI test, and to get your ducks in order.

Ask him to swear on the kids lives. Sounds silly but my friend did this to her partner and he refused to.

You are never going to be happy with this man long term. There is no point in delaying it. You deserve someone who will treat you well and make you happy.

Mr. Flash with the cash eh?

Jaysis - you're better off without the muppet.

@Imworthit

He what???? He fucking blew another £400 not even on you but to guilt trip you. Fuck this guys so much. He is a total scumbag.

This. Just further manipulation.

For me this is not even about the strip club. Its his disrespectful, gaslighting, lying and manipulating behaviour. That shit is ingrained and he isn't changing. Leave him.

You did it once because of his behaviour. He is showing you his true self.

You worry your kids will have a shit life because of him. I promise you, it will be a hell of a lot worse for them watching their lovely mum being emotionally abused year after year.

Go and make a new life. Find yourself. Live. Set a wonderful example for your kids and be happy x

Erm. I have to say this. We now know this place closed at midnight. His phone apparently “showed” him there until midnight even though he didn’t show up at yours til gone 2. And now he feels so guilty he donated to a refuge the following day, to the tune of £400. I don’t think he feels guilty about you at all, which I’m incredibly sorry about. I think he’s cheated with a sex worker or a stripper willing to do “extra,” and he’s now read a “wee” bit about how many of those women are forced or trafficked, and wants to make himself not feel like a bad guy.

As so, SO many PPs pointed out, you wrote a laundry list putting yourself down and said, “All this since I met him.” EXACTLY. Women on these boards leave their husbands every week for reasons just like you. You are strong and powerful, you were before him, and you will be again without him. So many of them have children. And so many of them have horrible, horrible self-esteem from the way their husbands have treated them over the years, that it takes a LOT of effort to be able to leave. But your children’s lives will be worse watching their mum be treated like shite. One day they’re might be saying, “No, I have no idea why she stays with him. We only go home to see her and just put up with him.” It doesn’t have to be that way! When you leave, yes, there may be a period of uncertainty, but that is such a small, small season compared to the rest of your life.

But whether you face it now or later, you’re being emotionally abused. It may hurt to face it, it may hurt to say it out loud, but it’s there. He’s been gaslighting you about this incident since day one (changing his story constantly, blaming it on you for being “distant,” being angry with you for bringing it up at all, then forcing you to try to accept whatever he tells you). This isn’t what love looks like. People have mentioned “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, a book about abusive relationships. I’m not sure if MNHQ will allow this, but this is a free PDF link. The page is safe, though don’t press the links (they're ads). This page exists because not every abused woman can buy the book and many may need to read it on their phones or computers in a way their abuser will not see: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It starts on page 43 but please also look at page 155, “The Abusive Mentality,” where she explains that working with abused women she so often finds they no longer trust themselves... just like you.

Haven’t read every response on here but the Griffin website says they are closed until further notice?

He sounds like he has been up to something dodgy and is gaslighting you. My ex did the same to me over similar things. Also deleted texts. It was easy to tell when he was lying because his stories kept changing and never added up.

It may not be easy to leave but it will be the best thing for you.

So now you're another 400 down at Christmas because of his guilty conscience and (more realistically) manipulative attempts to recover the situation, play remorseful, get you to let it go etc.?

And he's saying he decided to pay for rounds of drinks and pay for private strips for his mates because one bought a house and he feels inadequate.

He's either talking shite or he's really really stupid. His would paying for a few rounds of drinks that aren't much above average prices and paying for relatively cheap strips in one of the apparently more bottom dollar, seedy strip clubs in central London impress anyone?

(Incidentally if he'd done it in a really expensive one, how would that impress them either; they'd just think "no wonder you can't save a house deposit, you twat".

The fact he considers them mates but apparently feels he had to impress them and buy them makes him look like a sad ass, like the low ranking, beta member of the group (if it's even true).

And he lost the remainder of the money on the way home - about 100 quid??!!

That sounds like total and utter bullshit. If if were true he's spectacularly careless, stupid and irresponsible with family money fill stop, let alone at Christmas.

But it sounds like a tall tale anyway. Alongside the fully clothed (well lingerie) private dances (that changed a few times too didn't it).

This isn't normal op,please find let your upbringing or his sleazy, shitty friendship group make you think it is. There are men who wouldn't do this - except mininally on a stag do or even not at all.

You know this anyway.

You're young and plenty of mums find second partners and marriages. It's not this or nothing.

In saying that, don't feel you have to rush into anything; do it at your convenience, to your advantage.

So cutting through all his noise making, red herrings, distractions and lies;

there's about 100 quid and an hour or two unaccounted for in his delightful night out (??)

so to punish you further he gave away 400 quid that as a family you can ill afford, he behaves abusively to you and when you complain he gives money to help women who arent his partner
tell him charity begins at home mate

Omg he gave away another £400? You guys must be really well off. Or he's an utter moron with no concern for his family who you definitely should not marry (if you are rich and can afford it ignore that comment)

No we are not really well off. We finally saved a house deposit after 3 years of living in a too small house. We have a chunk of savings which we contributed to equally I guess he sees half of it as his, evidently. As he is dipping into it.
The refuge thing I dunno if that was to make him look good or me look bad but it’s all a mess I think he’s spiralling. I just have taken back 1k from the joint savings account.

I'd probably take your half (+£800) out now if he's spiralling. Deposit it somewhere he can't touch it. You are so much better than this idiot. He can use the other half to fund his children. I'm furious for you: wait until it's the right time, give him no leeway, and then kick him out.

@porcelaine

No we are not really well off. We finally saved a house deposit after 3 years of living in a too small house. We have a chunk of savings which we contributed to equally I guess he sees half of it as his, evidently. As he is dipping into it. The refuge thing I dunno if that was to make him look good or me look bad but it’s all a mess I think he’s spiralling. I just have taken back 1k from the joint savings account.

I would take back everything you put in before he spends it, or uses it to manipulate you later..

He’s also now playing disney dad so hard. Doing activities with dc for once, playing, not getting moody. Fucking wanker. Last week he just lay around on his phone all evenings.

100% get everything you put into that joint account OUT. Pronto.

This has to be a priority!

He is a lying cheating piece of shit full of guff.

I'm sorry OP. His story just doesn't add up. All this giving money to refuge, saying he funded the night etc is just smoke to get enough time to pass until you calm down.

He knows the more time that passes the less likely you are to kick him out. He is grinding you down and also playing on your desire to find out the 'truth' and 'understand' what happened. Unfortunately this means he can manipulate you. You will probably never find out the full truth of what happened that night.

Don't blame yourself for not acting - it's hard enough to break up in this kind of situation where your gut is screaming at you but you don't have all the facts. Especially with kids and at Xmas too.

This must be wearing you out. I wouldn't ask for anymore details. It's all vile and sordid. You know enough. Get help and support to get this person out of your life.

#twat

@notapizzaeater

If you actually look at the web site it says alcohol is normal pub prices and dances are £15 before 5 so can't imagine they'd be 10/15 times more expensive later ?

It also says it's still closed or am I reading that wrong?

www.thegriffinstripclub.co.uk/timetable/

€50 to leave him alone! Sounds dodgy to me.

Porcelaine - this must be so heart breaking for you

I'm clutching at straws here - but if he's making massive charity donations and playing loads with the kids - he's feeling guilty. You can work with guilty, if you want to keep your marriage, but it will take commitment from him, a lot of commitment.

On the downside - he's feeling guilty. People don't feel guilty for going out with mates and buying loads of drinks.

At absolute minimum he's blow £400, on a night out. Money you don't have spare. But he's changing his story, minimising and blaming you. This is a man whose had sexual activity of some form and now realises he fucked up big time.

I'd keep schtumm - for now. All the time you're quiet, bidding your time, he's panicking. Bet either he'll come clean or stomp off as he has to fill the silence with something. He definitely needs a STI test

he just swears and swears this is what happened and he's feeling that guilty about the private dances (even though they were clothed or what the fuck ever). I know I will never know. but he acted like the idea of an sti test was unbelievable.