To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Hi OP, in the interests of curiosity on my own part, I have asked three male friends in London about strip clubs.
The unanimous verdict was that the girls are not clothed all the time. I hope that helps with your decision making.

With regards to the dc's welfare. Remember the safety advice on aircraft. Put. your. own. oxygen. mask. on. first.

Then, and only then will the children be ok.

I would 100% be furious if DH spent £400 of money that was supposed to pay for other, family things for example.

But as PPs have said, £400 could easily be spent in a strip club on drinks and entrance alone, and if my DH did this I would think he was a total mug for throwing his money away in such an expensive place but that it was his money and he can do what he likes with it. If he told me he had a lap dance I would not mind that much tbh. This is why I have always kept "my" money and "Family" money separate.

I feel like I’m being bamboozled and I feel an enormous guilt for dc if I end it, but what am I supposed to do? Live with it?

Please, @porcelaine don't allow him to gaslight you.

It doesn't matter what he says to try and justify himself
It doesn't matter that he uses hollow words such as he's "sorry"
It doesn't even matter what "other women" say or think.

Please be independent thinking on this.
If what he has done violates your boundaries of what is acceptable and if what he's done makes you feel bad, then that's what you go by. Not other people's values, yours.

Your innate instincts are screaming out to you. Don't ignore them!

OP, his friends are not an excuse for his behaviour because if he was a better man, he’d have better friends and that’s all there is to it. What is that expression - flies stick to shit? Trust me, most men wouldn’t be seen dead in that kind of place. Why else would they have to make it free entry? Because they get the dregs of society and well they know it.

I just think your children would have a better chance without his influence. He will bring you all down. As I said, how dare he inflict this on your home and family. You just shouldn’t have to be contending with it at all.

It just feels like a last straw, I don’t have any respect, trust, love left at this point an dit’s a kick in the teeth. He says he does respect women and love me, I shouldn’t judge him on one time, it was a mistake.

You wouldn't be leaving him for this one time or one mistake though would you?

You'd be leaving him because you don't respect, trust or love him. This incident is just a reminder of why you feel that way.

PLEASE don't stay in such an unhappy, loveless, joyless, disrespectful relationship 'for the kids'.

All you're really doing is making them think that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like. I was that kid and I didn't realise until my late 20s that it was possible to have a relationship where you laugh loads, are affectionate both in words and physically, don't shout at each other, don't make a house have super tense days where everyone has to walk on eggshells...

You can't be comfortable with the idea of your daughter ending up in a relationship with a man like her father and knowing that by staying, you contributed to her settling for a prick.

I'm not saying you need to leave immediately or even before Christmas but this is a miserable way to live and it's not doing anyone any good in the long term. I would be seeing 2021 as an opportunity to end this relationship and focus on coparenting.

If nothing else, he's gross and a misogynist and that should give you enough ick to not want him to even touch you. It's over.

If you actually look at the web site it says alcohol is normal pub prices and dances are £15 before 5 so can't imagine they'd be 10/15 times more expensive later ?

Do not have sex until you have had a std checkup

Op, I mean this kindly, but from what you say about your mum... it’s possibly because, even as a child, you knew it

or sensed that she put up with up with similar behaviour (even though she got out in the end) and you’ve somehow internalised it as “just what men do.” This is very common and understandable. But, if you stay now with him, you are saying to your kids that “put up and shut up” is the best they can hope for and this might affect their choice of relationships in later life.

I don't think going to strip club counts a stupid drunken mistake. Its completely deliberate.
A drunken mistake would be him getting hammered and putting a £280 bet on a horse his drunken mates all said was a sure thing and then losing. That would be doing something stupid.
A strip club on the other hand is disgusting, disrespectful and he would have known how utter destroying it would be for your trust. If he really honestly does not know this, that in itself is enough to tell him to take a hike

@nitsandwormsdodger

Do not have sex until you have had a std checkup

Whyever would the OP even consider that sleezeball getting anywhere near her?

I feel like my mind is working against me gradually saying no it’s not that bad it’s just men being drunk, he didn’t cheat on you. But I don’t really believe that stuff, I don’t want to be married to someone who would even go to a strip club let alone pay for private dances. He still swears down it was 2 (in underwear) private dances for him, one each for his mates, rounds of spirits. And that he “lost” the rest, probably £100, drunk on the way home. I asked to see his google locations and they were there for 4.5 hrs from 8pm til half midnight. Hardly like someone who just didn’t wanna be there and was so upset. He’s making out like he funded the whole night for his friends which is also fucked up as they are all high earners. He says he wanted to impress them as one of them has just bought a house (we are in rented), one of them is a v high earner in finance. That is also pathetic to me. So having a comfortable life and family isn’t impressive in his eyes? This was so so calculated and selfish and to blame it on alcohol and making it out like he’s reluctant is such nonsense. If he was that wrecked at 8,9pm surely he’d have got chucked out of the place. He cannot account for the money spent and for anyone who hasn’t rtft this place has no entry fee, pub prices, and private dances are no more than £20. It’s so hideous.
I wish I felt like I had the strength right now to just kick him out but I’m still reeling. My self esteem is crap anyway and as a mum I don’t know how I’m ever gonna meet anyone else. I’ve gained weight, I don’t dress sexy and I’m anxious and shy. All of this since I’ve known him. And I feel like my life and dcs life are just gonna be in the toilet because of him and it just ready hurts.

He acted offended when I said he should get an sti test (regardless we are not sleeping together, since he told me). He swears down that his version is the truth. I’ll never know but the story is so fishy. Deleted texts, a lot of money some of it unaccounted for, dodgy strip club, alcohol. He showed me he has donated 400 to refuge to try and feel better morally, but guess what.? That’s come out of our family savings, so it’s no great shakes.

I feel so so appalled on your behalf. The latest in a long line of lies that he expects you to accept is that £100 fell out of his wallet and got lost but the other £120 hung in there and was fine?

I've not been in this exact situation in relation to strip clubs, but I have in terms of my ex lying to my face about other women, drip feeding more ever changing details to a point where he thought he could get away with it. You feel like you're going mad, and that you must be the problem because you just don't know what the reality is.
Then came the anger, the blame on me for being distant, for being too busy with the kids to make time for the poor bloody man child I married. Then the threats, the "woe is me" faces, the anxiety and depression claims - topped off with a dollop of "the world would be better off without me"

I came on here post break up for support and a lady linked to a thread containing something called "the script" and its basically what men say in situations like this, and how scarily similar they all are.

I wont say LTB as that's your choice to make, but what I will say from experience of having rock bottom self esteem and having been lied to and gaslighted for years is that you deserve better, your children deserve better and you did not in any way do anything that forced your husband into a strip club with your family money in his hand.

He has donated £400 to a refuge?? Eh?

“Yes it’s alright lads. Cheat on your family. Destroy your wife’s trust and mental health. It’s all good - just give to a refuge the following day and all will be well...”

Am I reading this right..,?

So his night out has cost you £800 ? Guilty conscience!

He says he does respect women and love me, I shouldn’t judge him on one time, it was a mistake. But you don’t just trip and fall into a strip club and you certainly don’t go out to get more money

A mistake is leaving your umbrella on a bus - this was a choice, and as you suggest, why not leave completely when he went to get the money and say he felt ill or something?

Unfortunately he's lying again and again in the hope something will stick, but do be aware that sooner or later the story will change to it being your fault because you "never trusted him", "didn't show him enough care" or whatever

@porcelaine

He acted offended when I said he should get an sti test (regardless we are not sleeping together, since he told me). He swears down that his version is the truth. I’ll never know but the story is so fishy. Deleted texts, a lot of money some of it unaccounted for, dodgy strip club, alcohol. He showed me he has donated 400 to refuge to try and feel better morally, but guess what.? That’s come out of our family savings, so it’s no great shakes.

Can I just calm things down a little OP please? If my bloke went on a Christmas works night out and told me they were going to end up in a lap dancing club I would not mind because I trust the idiot. If I were to find out later and only because of the money going missing I would be more upset than learning how he spent it. How he spent it is another issue completely.

I am sorry your husband did this to you and I am sorry you are feeling so lost, plus reading the messages on here from people from all walks of life who tolerate some things and not others you must be feeling like your judgement is clouded.

To you now I would say, carry on but keep your eyes and ears open and that you are wiser now then before.
Your husband will now be realising that actions have consequences.

@porcelaine

He acted offended when I said he should get an sti test (regardless we are not sleeping together, since he told me). He swears down that his version is the truth. I’ll never know but the story is so fishy. Deleted texts, a lot of money some of it unaccounted for, dodgy strip club, alcohol. He showed me he has donated 400 to refuge to try and feel better morally, but guess what.? That’s come out of our family savings, so it’s no great shakes.

WHAT!! So you're £800 down?

He better find someway of earning that back pronto!

I'm so sorry OP, that's absolutely unforgiveable.

If he wants to be Mr Flashy, he better get a job that justifies it.

You're completely right in how you're feeling. The issue is you need to trust yourself. Right now you're prioritising trusting him over trusting yourself. You're doubting and quite honestly, you already know it's over.

So, that doesn't mean you need to leave today. Get your things in order and plan. Take control if this. He's going to lie because he's a liar. That will not change and you can't control that. You can control your next move and the one after that and so in.

Don't waste your energy driving yourself crazy trying to find a way to join up the lies he's made. There are gaping holes and massive question marks for a reason.

Your kids will not be suffering because you are free of him. They'll suffer because they watch their mother tie herself in knots or because she's distant while she ties herself in knots.

This also isn't me saying LTB. I'm saying you have no control here and need to get some, and you can.

@notapizzaeater

So his night out has cost you £800 ? Guilty conscience!

what a moron

I mean obviously the husband not the poster I replied to their comment

My self esteem is crap anyway and as a mum I don’t know how I’m ever gonna meet anyone else. I’ve gained weight, I don’t dress sexy and I’m anxious and shy. All of this since I’ve known him.

Your last sentence, all of this since you've known him.
You will not believe how much your self esteem will rocket when you are not being manipulated by this prick. I've seen it so often. Including with myself.
You will meet someone else. You are still young. Don't give up on yourself OP, you are worth so much more.

So he's now spent a further £400 you can't afford ! Without checking with you
All to make it look like has some morals??
Unbelievable

@notquitealonealone

My self esteem is crap anyway and as a mum I don’t know how I’m ever gonna meet anyone else. I’ve gained weight, I don’t dress sexy and I’m anxious and shy. All of this since I’ve known him.

Your last sentence, all of this since you've known him.
You will not believe how much your self esteem will rocket when you are not being manipulated by this prick. I've seen it so often. Including with myself.
You will meet someone else. You are still young. Don't give up on yourself OP, you are worth so much more.

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