To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Handsoffstrikesagain Thanks. I didn't know. I suppose that makes it a bit better. I wonder what the point of a private dance is then?

So grim 🤮 I know men are ‘wired’ differently but I just fine it so disgusting & creepy!

@porcelaine @LadyWaiting www.thegriffinstripclub.co.uk/timetable/

@StopGo - you'll notice it's open at 'Night' from 11pm to 1am on Fri/Sat night on that timetable and it's ambiguous about the other nights as some are in black, some not, but it doesn't say closed?

Apparently they don’t charge entry fee & their drink prices are comparable to other London bars/pubs, so that makes explaining the money more difficult. Besides the fact how are they even open? Are they serving a substantial meal with their lap dances? 🙄

Timetable shows it closed in daytime and evening, but definitely not closed Fri/Sat night after 11pm

Apparently they don’t charge entry fee & their drink prices are comparable to other London bars/pubs, so that makes explaining the money more difficult. Besides the fact how are they even open? Are they serving a substantial meal with their lap dances? 🙄

Perhaps it's more a service lol

Sorry, seems I got it wrong

He's just fobbing you off with whatever he thinks will get him off the hook

I hate strip clubs OP it sounds like you want to leave him, I would. He's hiding something and what a bastard gaslighting you.

There are reviews on that club on Tripadvisor and these suggest private dances are available and also that strict rules apply.

OP, I can understand your search for the truth but you're not going to find it on here. If you think it would help, you could always pop down there yourself with a friend and see what really goes on - or make your DH go down there with you to suffer the embarrassment/humiliation.

I’m just processing tbh. 1 or more dances what does it matter really - this was a hard boundary and i can’t accept it. If I thought he was a good guy but I didn’t really believe that anymore anyway. I guess I’m just in. A bit of shock and this close to Xmas too. It feels like I need to act but I’m just stuck.

@porcelaine like PP have said, I don’t think clubs are open. I don’t live in London though. Could you talk to the wives of your H’s friends and find out if their stories match your H’s? It sounds like he hired a prostitute as he keeps changing his story and emotionally abusing/gaslighting you. He knows you won’t back off and that you know something is sus about his ever changingbstory.

I wonder how he would feel if you had sought out and paid for this sort of intimate contact with another man?

Ultimately if you feel that the relationship is over for you now ...that he has crossed a hard line then it may be better to drop the subject and start quietly making your own plans
He is in damage limitation mode now and if he thinks you you might pull the plug on the relationship he will take steps to protect himself and to make sure he comes out of the split better than you.
Be strategic!!
you cannot trust this man, you have to protect yourself.

You don't need to act immediately.

Why should you act when you're not prepared, because of him

Take your time to consider and prepare, esp. financials and strike when you want to.

Lots of people bide their time or try to forgive things but realise they can't and end relationship later. It's not do it now, or don't. You can get rid of him any time you want, when it suits you.

The whole point of these clubs is to relieve stupid men of as much money as possible in as short a time as possible, dropping £280 or £400 or any amount for not very much at all is easy. Although from what some pp have said it sounds as if he hasn't even been honest with you about where he went and what he paid for.

But I think you're right in your latest post, 1 or more dances what does it matter really - this was a hard boundary and i can’t accept it. That's what you need to focus on. He did this, it is not acceptable to you

Can I ask a question please, having never been in one of these clubs. I would have presumed that the point of a private dance would be for the man to wank while watching (with his cock out presumably). That I don't know though - can someone elaborate?

They wouldn't be allowed to wank during a private dance in most UK.clubs.

Whether they are stimulated by the lap rubbing (dancer sometimes rubs/grinds in their lap) is something else.

There is supposed to be distance between customers crotch/lap and dancer's ass/vulva but in reality I don't think the distance happens and most people expect contact Inna private lap dance.

I think if I were you I would do what you're doing in terms of working out your income and what benefits you may get etc and seeing what you can afford.
Assume this is going to be a very shit christmas for you. Stay there until after christmas for the sake of the children. You can do this. You sound very strong and us women are pretty darn good at just getting on with what needs to be done and hiding it from our dc. Fall apart in the shower.
I'd basically ignore DH. Answer him if the dc are around and be civil but make him bloody sweat.
Then after christmas, file for divorce, move out if he won't leave the property (speak with the agents and take your name off the lease, explain the situation. No decent landlord would hold you into a contract if you're trying to leave an abusive partner).
In the mean time, feel free to look into everything you can think of to make his life more difficult. Don't do him any favours, don't cook his dinner, don't do anything for him at all, inconvenience him as much as you bloody well can.
Good luck OP. You deserve so much better than this. This is the start of a new beginning and you'll find someone special when you're ready, who adores you.

It is odd that he's managed to get rid of 220 (?)if entrance is free, drinks not expensive, stage shows funded by a whip around with very small contributions from each customer and private dances only 20 each.

Also what was the remaining money he showed op in wallet intended for?

In the mean time, feel free to look into everything you can think of to make his life more difficult. Don't do him any favours, don't cook his dinner, don't do anything for him at all, inconvenience him as much as you bloody well can
certainly this is the treatment that he deserves but if you are going to leave the relationship it might be in your strategic long-term interest to act as normal as possible, if he thinks you might end the relationship he will take steps to make sure that you come off much worse than him.
He has already shown that he has no respect for you and he thinks he can do whatever he likes regardless of how it affects you.

Op, I think you only have to take a glance at the website to know what kind if club this is and who it’s appealing to. It’s free entry and cheap. Aiming at the lowest denominator of customer. This business of putting £1 in the glass before the woman strips says it all - like pathetic little boys handing over their pocket money.

In this kind low low-grade establishment, the women in there are also likely to be quite desperate. Many may well have been trafficked. Why else would you work in there? Otherwise, they’d be stripping for men who give tips into the hundreds and trying to convince themselves they are super glamorous and mingling with millionaires and celebrities. Not going round low-lifes with a pint glass fgs. It’s tragic.

But what it also means, I’m afraid, is that standards be very low in this kind of place and the management no doubt turn a blind eye to “extras.” This will be how the women get their money. If all they got was a few quid in a pint glass before a dance, they could get more working in Tesco. This is grim stuff. For a start, I would have him out the house today on health and safety grounds. You do t know what he’s picked up. Then keep him out permanently on “f* off scumbag” grounds.

Let him go and find a woman who will put up with this and good luck to him with that. You can bet your boots, even the strippers wouldn’t contemplate giving him the time if day him if they didn’t have to. That goes for his mates too. I hope their wives get rid. Do you know them?

I think what’s worrying me is I don’t think he sees it as that big a deal (it is clearly normalised in his friendship group even among guys in LTRs) and in my head because I’ve heard a lot of women say it’s not disrespectful and men just do stuff like that (also my mum ended up leaving my dad over porn use, cheating with colleagues, and probably strippers too) I’m like - if he is sorry enough then it’s not marriage ending? It just feels like a last straw, I don’t have any respect, trust, love left at this point an dit’s a kick in the teeth. He says he does respect women and love me, I shouldn’t judge him on one time, it was a mistake. But you don’t just trip and fall into a strip club and you certainly don’t go out to get more money. I feel like I’m being bamboozled and I feel an enormous guilt for dc if I end it, but what am I supposed to do? Live with it? He will do something else again maybe not this but if he can justify this he could justify a drunken snog, shag, whatever?