To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

@pepsicolagirl

A QUID.

Unreal isn't it. And the women have to go around and take that pound coin from each punter before their dance. These men are such entitled pricks it makes my skin crawl. Strip clubs are my hard boundary since my mid twenties. Decent men don't do it.

It's closed. He's been to a brothel, booked an escort or managed to get his hands on a fair amount of coke. None of which would be acceptable to me and hopefully not to OP. Even his version of events would be enough for me to end it.

The Griffin's website looks like it is completely closed at the moment according to the timetable page?

Sometimes you don't need to know the ins and outs.

You know enough. You know he lied, threw money at other women, lied again, potentially risked his family's health....

I'd tell him I'm unwilling to throw a bomb into my children's life at Christmas but come the new year, he's gone. No begging, no pleading, nothing. It's done.
If he storms out before Christmas, it's on him.

He's a pig.

I just called their office number and the recorded message says they are currently open thu/fri/sat til 11pm. that doesn't explain why he got home at almost 2am (we live no more than 30 min by public transport or a 15min taxi). and the amount of money.

I know I should just stop digging, or just go to bed, but Im sitting here needing to rage.

Can you see what time the withdrawals happened?

• I should say, thanks to mn and this thread for giving me a space to rage. because I feel intensely embarrassed about all this and keeping it light for the dc is taking all my fucking strength right now.

@HoHoJo

Can you see what time the withdrawals happened?

I wondered this too because (I'm ill and bored so way too invested!) it shuts at 1am.

Don't you dare be embarrassed! You've done nothing to warrant that. It's Mr Sleazee himself that should be embarrassed. Age of him getting on like this

@porcelaine

he went to a place called the griffin. it looks gross.

yeah. like you say quest1on I feel like I have been shoved in a corner. 2 weeks before xmas and with dc and work and everything else. I am so angry.

@porcelaine

Some guys I used to work with used to go to the Griffin. Feedback from them... it's not a "gentleman's bar", it's a sleazy strip pub. The girls strip to nude. By all accounts it's a grim place but drinks are reasonably priced.

There's no entrance fee. Instead, each girl walks around shaking a pint glass to collect £1 from all the men watching the main stage. She dances for about 10 minutes and ends up nude.
Out comes the next girl with her pint glass.... and so on.

The girls also definitely offer private dances where they end up nude. Private dances costs between £15 and £20 depending on the time of day.

Not really sure how he has blown £400 as it's a cheap strip pub (not an expensive high end "gentleman's bar"). Saying that, they set their minimum card payments to a whopping £30, so it might explain why he has withdrawn cash.

I'm sorry OP. He is lying to you and minimising.

@porcelaine I've read almost the whole thread, I used to work in sex work myself. The amount of married men that used to come to me and complain about their wives was unreal. I'd say 9/10. I had been in circumstances before where they had given me cash... wanted to extend a booking so nipped to the cash point for more money... but I'd have fallen asleep by the time of their arrival.

From being in relationships like yours... I can tell you now it's most likely he booked an escort... I am so sorry to say that!

Maybe check his phone records? For unknown numbers through text/call?

Something isn't adding up... because he's lying.

He's playing it down completely... let us know how this turns out and honestly I. Can imagine how you're feeling right now xxx

Can't stop feeling sorry for the OP 🥺 what a terrible man!

Ugh. I feel for you op. I inadvertently ended up in a similar place many years ago with a boyfriend who was desperate to watch some sports match (boxing/football - can't remember) which was being shown on sky on a Bloody Sunday afternoon!! We ended up in a place that sounds like the place you mentioned. It was fucking grim. And there was sex going on within the bar area. Nothing discreet about it. Utterly fucking grim places. This was a very very long time ago but I dont imagine they've changed much.

My old flat mate worked as a dancer in a club just off shaftsbury avenue, £400 is a pretty tame evening in a central London club.

I'd say dancers and drinks if they also have a bar

I'm sorry OP but I think its an escort.
He's lied to you. He's gaslighting you. He's taken money from his children just before Xmas.

When people show you who they are - see them.

Better to leave now than in 20 years when he does it again. Because he will.

Short term pain is far better than a wasted life of regret.

Sweetie he was always lying you know that but after the research its worse. He got a cheap hooker maybe but more likely just a girl for a one night stand in a hotel. That he has been tinder dating all through lockdown? Hotel, dinner, drinks doesn't matter. He deleted his mates txts cause they were his cover. Makes more sense. I'm so sorry op 💐

Don't be embarrassed or feel dumb.... That's on him only, he's treating you like your dumb but your not. His whole story keeps changing depending on what you know. You'll never find out for sure and that's Hella hard. Just get a lawyer and leave the bastards. So much love ♥️

And remember any liar whose first best version story is fully dressed strippers giving private lapdances. The truth is so much worse.

OP you deserve better and should leave him. He is gas lighting you big time, trying to minimise and put blame on you, and it is seriously unhealthy. You said he has been emotionally abusive in the past - sorry but he still is. It will not change. You are accepting and questioning yourself because he has conditioned you to think you're the crazy one. I am a survivor of emotional abuse. I know how that slow burn works. It isnt you. Its him.

For me, I would find the strip club and private dances a deal breaker of themselves. But actually even if you thought that was acceptable there are several more important deal breakers here:

1. He spent £400 of family money when you have 3 children under 10 and cannot afford it. He didnt discuss this with you. It was on something unnecessary. That without any genuine apology is huge red flag.

1. Youd already been having difficulties due to his emotionally abusive behaviour and this is him making a go of it. This is his winning you back behaviour.

1. He lied. Big time. It went from only a woman dancing in underwear to paying for 2 private dances for him and one for friend. What next? He is minimising and admitting to things as and when he thinks he has to in a piecemeal way. I would be assuming, I think fairly, that this is the watered down version. He thinks this is the version he can argue his way out of.

1. He is blaming you for being distant. No. Unacceptable. The right response would be to apologise sincerely and make an effort to put it right. Instead he goes on the defensive because if he can convince you that you have played a part it takes the heat off of him and allows him to condition you again.

1. He had tried to destroy the evidence/cover his tracks. He has deleted all of the messages. He wouldn't do that just because he was drunk. There was something in those messages. I agree with others it is suspect that he left to get more cash and didnt come back until 2am.

1. He has been very disrespectful in how he has gone about dealing with this issue irrespective of the subject matter. The way he is speaking to you. The way he has lied. Everything.

For me the trust would be utterly gone. This would be worse than my husband cheating (if he did) and admitting it and apologising and making it right. I understand people make mistakes and when kids are involved there are extra considerations however this is not the example of relationships they need to see.

I didnt say it in my first post as it is the least of the worries in this situation but I would genuinely be really mad, having 3 young kids, that during pandemic their dad decided his need to get drunk with his friends was so desperate that he would go to a strip club and meet up with said mates which is wholly unnecessary, is unlikely to have adhered to social distancing, and puts them at unnecessary risk. You say they love their dad but that is a huge parenting fail for me. Like I said, whole list above of other things to be concerned with first but this would also make me extremely cross. Our child should be more important to my husband than getting pissed in a strip club during a pandemic

@CeeceeBloomingdale

So two withdrawals - would mean leaving the club and getting more cash out then paying to re-enter? Why not just pay by card? I'd be livid about the money before I even started thinking of what it was spent one and how I'd feel about that.

I haven't read the entire thread (I think I've seen most of it though). What occurred to me about the two cash withdrawals, and not using his card was a) to keep it secret from you, and b) so he could tuck bills into their g-strings/ tip the waitresses.

Disclaimer: I have no knowledge of strip clubs beyond films and TV.

Op, if he went to the Griffin strip club( which closes at 11pm) , why did he get home at 2am.?
His minimising, gaslighting and lying is unforgivable. He’s definitely hiding something

If it's this place www.thegriffinstripclub.co.uk

Then they do fully naked dances and private dances

As others said he has lied, minimised, and is gaslighting you. He is not sorry. He does not regret it, he just wishes he hadn't got caught out. He wants you to think you are wrong, he wants you to be sorry, he wants the responsibility of making this better to be yours.

It is not. Fuck him. He is not worth anything.

You are sooooooo young and he has not taken your best years, I promise. I started again at 38, left a liar, a minimiser, a gaslighter. My god was it worth it.