To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

He sounds like he's playing some serious mind games. I hope you get your ducks in a row. Make sure you've ample Money in your own bank account to get away if needs be. It sounds like he's going to keep pushing your buttons until you crack. Sending hugs. I was there once. It's far better on the other side I promise.

He's never drinking again - funny how a considerable portion of the adult population has gotten drunk over lock down and it's fair to presume most didn't end up in a strip club spending 400 quid (with a wife and small kids at home).

Yeah, it's definitely the drink's fault; not his judgement or morals.

Also he's got mates who obviously thought this was a normal/acceptable thing to do, whether they're single or not; his mates say quite a lot about him. Especially since he isn't a teenager or twenty something (when you're green about other people and may be desperate to fit in etc).

Birds of a feather flock together, the alternative is that he's their bitch/the weaker, lower ranking beta .... Not exactly attractive.

Coke is a real possibility also.

The suicide threats are despicable.

Maybe he does feel.very low; as I said because he's realised this may get out to his family, your family etc etc and the reality of being a separated dad ain't quite so glamourous or attractive. No cost home with all your wife work done for you. At the wrong end of the court and child maintenance system.

He wasn't worried about that when he was heading in to the strip club (more than once by the sounds of it, if I've read that right he actually left to get cash and returned at least once, maybe twice) and throwing down hundreds of pounds (while he's got a family at home, and Christmas imminent).

It's only now wifey's got a bit too enquiring and angry, and he senses the relationship is not secure, that he gives a flying fk. Before that you could stay home looking after his kids while he played the Mr flash with his mates in the strip club with family money.

How did you find out about the two 200 quid withdrawals incidentally, did he think you wouldn't and yes cover it somehow?

*cosy home

Get him to take you there so you can find out for yourself. Make it a date night. He will not expect that so you might see a bit more of the truth from his reaction (fwiw I've been to one year's ago with an ex and actually had a great night).

NRFT but wanted to say sorry for you OP. He’s a disgrace and I hope you’re considering leaving him

Agree with the pp who asks what difference it makes if she had her knickers on or not? As if that would make it ok or something - a barely visible thong?

If they have a private dance, they generally get in the punters face, thong on or not. Anyway, if you were gyrating your stuff in front of the lowest of the low, would you be thinking - “oh it’s fine anyway, I’ve got my thong on, after all. Nothing to see here..,”

Some of those women might well have been trafficked at some point. Think about the reasons women get into this kind of thing on the first place. Do you have daughters? Would he be happy if one of them was working in that club in a few years?

He is an utter wanker and it’s not as if he’s 19, He is a father of three.

No men who love and respect their families do NOT do this.

You could find someone who is intelligent and has some integrity OP. So much more attractive. Get a real man. You’re still young. Even being on your own would be a relief.

He didn't enjoy something so he went out and got another $200 to spend on it? Bullshit

I just feel angry again now because I feel he has put me in an untenable position. if I move on after this, with the issues we had already had this year, then how much of a mug am I? like deep down won't it just seem like he can do anything and ill get over it? I know everyone says marriage is work and not to give up on things or work through things but for me, he has thrown a fucking grenade in our life and marriage when things were tough enough and now its like, I feel I have been pushed towards an outcome that may cost me and dc the home, our financial stability, our happiness (in some respects, albeit not others). all because he was "drunk" and "made a mistake". I feel like im in limbo. I dont want to have to deal with this right now but if I stay I look and feel like the biggest mug. I can't stand the sight of him. he repels me.(and btw he is still maintaining they were wearing stockings, knickers, and basques while doing the private dance, sure. I wish he'd give up.)

im 32, pushing 33 and I am fucking worried I will be alone now forever. because of him. and it feels like he's taken my best years and has now proven himself to be objectively a fucking arsehole. so angry.

Its work for two people, not one. Only you are putting in work and he is actively destroying the foundations you build after you work on them

33 is so young you will not be alone forever

Not RTFT. Several of London's pole dancing clubs pride themselves on being fully naked. Girls walk in wearing clothes then strip off completely. In some the girls do stay dressed (bikini or underwear)
One in particular is very well known for the dancers working "case" (having sex with customers for money). Drinks are ridiculous in all of them and girls get you yo buy them these drinks or you pay them to just sit with you.
Quite simply where did he go?
Sounds like hes being a total idiot whichever way you look at it though...ok so he went there(not a problem for me, but it is for plenty) but he blew ridiculous amounts of money doing it, even going out by the sounds of it to get more cash midway. He just needs to tell you.

But even if they were wearing basques, he’s still paying for women. Is being dressed like that any less sexualised then being naked?

When I lived n East London there was a strip club nearby and the women apparently kept their knickers on while they danced on tables. Didn’t stop the men stumping out fags in the women’s legs.

Yes he has put you in an untenable position because if you stay with him now, it’s basically saying that you are so broken you will put up with anything.(You are not broken by the way - you clearly have intelligence and standards).

What does he actually expect?

he went to a place called the griffin. it looks gross.

yeah. like you say quest1on I feel like I have been shoved in a corner. 2 weeks before xmas and with dc and work and everything else. I am so angry.

hes all, I wouldn't have done it if they were stripping or naked, I didnt touch them. he said he doesn't see it as bad as if it was a girl he met in a club/its not cheating or similar. he's acting like the clothes make the difference when im TELLING him it doesn't. its the disrespect and it IS sexualised and its the money and the hurt to me, my self esteem is shitty anyway, it's our lives and the marriage I busted my arse to work on when he begged for another chance. I feel SO DUMB. sorry for all my shouting and swearing but I can't get my head around this.

32/33 is young.

There are plenty people who haven't been married before 35 and older.

But as to if and when you leave - you don't have to do anything until it's we'll set up and convenient for you and your kids. Staying while you get your ducks in a row does not have to be weak, it can be strategic. You don't have to shag him etc. Hi if and when you want to and it suits you.
You've seen the size of him now.

Yes that place looks really nasty. There will be some girls in there who have been trafficked. It’s looks really seedy. Nasty.

*Go if and when you want to and it suits you.

If you're renting at least he wouldn't be potentially getting half of anything you put into a property.

Hi!

Ex dancer here. In my city private dances are usually 3 minutes for £20 and range anywhere from £120 to £450 an hour depending on the club and if you want a champagne room eg you get a bottle of champagne. I’ve only ever worked at one club that performed dances at the table and it was £10 a dance for three minutes topless only. Nothing more as you would be giving a free show to everyone else and nobody else would pay! At that price he definitely had private dances and I highly doubt they kept their clothes on.

Are strip clubs open in your area? I still have a lot of dancer friends who actively travel to try new clubs and I wasn’t aware they could open! Are you sure it’s a strip club he went to?

I busted my arse to work on when he begged for another chance.

Why was he begging for another chance, if you feel.like saying