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Original poster

To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

1000 replies

porcelaine · 07/12/2020 01:34

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
ProfessorInkling · 08/12/2020 19:27

I'm so sorry OP. He is an idiot and you are worth more than this. It's not just the money, it's not just the dances, it's the contempt he has for you. Fuck him.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/12/2020 19:45

I think he’s saying it wasn’t nude etc because of Covid?

Maybe they were (only) wearing masks??? On a technicality I'm sure they would count as clothing Wink

OP he doesn't want you to know what went on. But he's going to keep downgrading the story until it becomes we walked past the Women's Institute and had a sniff of their Yardley's Lavender, then gave them £400 towards their new meeting room and had a cup of tea with them, in the hope that you'll finally say 'oh that's alright then'.

He's not going to tell you the truth. Don't kill yourself waiting for him to do so.

june2007 · 08/12/2020 19:48

It has come on tv also how they are known to mislead and fleece punters, not being honest with pries, over inflation and in some casses plain stealing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2020 20:17

@june2007

It has come on tv also how they are known to mislead and fleece punters, not being honest with pries, over inflation and in some casses plain stealing.
You've really got to ask yourself why an even slightly intelligent man would frequent such a place...
june2007 · 08/12/2020 20:25

Well I think a lot of it is peer pressure? Why do girls go to see dreamboys or chippendales, or high a buttler in the buff?. (I haven,t but plenty do.)

Original poster
porcelaine · 08/12/2020 20:50

Yep he’s now saying he has anxiety and that he will “never” drink again. As if that changes what he did. The deleting messages is soooo shady. I don’t know why you’d pay for a clothed pole dance. He keeps insisting. I just feel so stupid. I didn’t even expect him to give me a time to come home When he went out. Because I trust him. And now he’s done this. I cannot get over it. I hate how it’s normalised in society so that I feel I am overreacting. But he paid other women to do sexual dances for him

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 20:52

I wouldn't believe anything he says and would be watching him closely from now on OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2020 20:57

Yep he’s now saying he has anxiety and that he will “never” drink again.

What an enormous arsehole.

Original poster
porcelaine · 08/12/2020 21:01

He also said he wanted to kill himself. It’s such bs

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2020 21:02

I also asked to see his phone and he'd deleted all his texts with the 2 friends he was with. bit of a weird thing to have done

Not really - after all it was probably full of their crude messages about what they'd seen and done, and would have proved that he's lied again

You said yourself that things had been rocky and now he does this; why bother, when his utter lack of respect for you is so obvious?

Original poster
porcelaine · 08/12/2020 21:07

Do men who love and respect you do this? Is it enough that he told me about it and says he regrets it? I just feel like I have no idea if I can end my marriage and mess up my kids over this even though my gut is telling me I’m done

OP posts:
Imworthit · 08/12/2020 21:30

Clothed poledancing 🤣🤣🤣 this guys hysterical. Because you can get covid just by looking at tits?? Your not supposed to touch the dancers anyway.

Forgive him or not it's your marriage. If going to a 'clothed' stripper (what BS) and telling you is enough for you then fine. Some people can get past it, some people can get past cheating, 10 year affairs, domestic abuse. Its up to you where your boundaries sit.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2020 21:33

@porcelaine

He also said he wanted to kill himself. It’s such bs
Poor you Flowers

I’ve had 3 friends hear that threat over the years from (now) exes. Here are the two things the men have in common:

  • they were all in the wrong
  • they are still very much alive now!
Imworthit · 08/12/2020 21:35

My only advice if you do stay is stay because you both love each other and regret this and he won't do it again. Not because he gaslit you into feeling your boundaries arnt worth respect.

Peppafrig · 08/12/2020 21:42

Now he is threatening to kill himself it’s classic domestic abuse . He is guilting you into being the bad one . Now you have to feel guilty and are forced to stay with him .

LolaSmiles · 08/12/2020 21:49

Take it right back to basics OP.

Regardless of who did what and where, he behaved in a way that showed no respect to you or your children. When he was challenged he turned it back on you and blamed you. He is now being emotionally manipulative and trying to use suicide threats as a method of control.

Do you want to be in long term relationship with a man who threatens suicide to keep you in your place?
Do you think your children will be better or worse off from being in home where their father behaves in this way towards their mother?
Do you think your children will be better or worse off as their mother is ground down by a man who thinks nothing of treating her badly?

I'm not saying you have to leave now, because he has thrown a grenade into your marriage, but seriously consider the long term consequences of staying long term.

HipHipHooray7 · 08/12/2020 21:51

Hi OP, sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but wanted to say sorry you are going through this and share my experience. My DH (or not so D at the time Wink) got a lap dance at a strip club on a stag do before (apparently peer pressure) and I remember being absolutely gutted. We had never set any specific boundaries and I never minded him going to the occasional strip club when it's an organised stag activity but he always made out that when he went he hardly even noticed the girl dancing in the corner and it wasn't his thing. I like you, felt awful about it though. I don't know how much it cost as he havnt mixed all of our finances but had it impacted us (and I had known it were 400 pounds!) I would have been raging about that too. We have talked about it a lot and that helped. At first we couldn't see eye to eye but when we started getting practical about how to get over it, he explained the situation, and answered the questions I had. We still talk about it when I bring it up (I just asked him if strippers usually kept their knickers on in response to this post and he said he had never seen a strip strip club where the strippers are naked. We live in London).

Now that he knows how much it hurt me, he acknowledges how objectifying and gross it is, and how it made me feel I am sure he will never do it again. I genuinely think he got drunk, carried away and didn't think (not an excuse but a reason how it can be a mistake which happens once. Being honest, I didn't realised I would feel as horrible about it as I did). We are able to talk freely about it and he still notes it as a big error judgement. I have 100% forgiven him and the D in DH has been restored.

Just another take on the situation to consider and what it could turn into.

Thanks
swimster01 · 08/12/2020 21:54

OP only you can make that decision. Where children are involved, it's a really tough call. If that had happened to me, I would be enraged etc but I'm not sure I could put DC through a divorce. I'd probably try to work out an arrangement where we were still together for the sake of the DC but living more separate lives.

JacktomyDaniel · 08/12/2020 22:04

To be honest I would forget trying to find out what happened. He's not going to tell you.
The cold, hard fact is he used £400 of money that you don't have when you have kids Christmas coming up.
Everyone makes mistakes. Spending what seems to be an entire Christmas budget (it is for me anyway) and not being truthful or remorseful about it would mean it would be over for me.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/12/2020 22:15

He's also trying to get you to focus on what he tells you he did or didn't do in wherever he went. Has he yet managed to explain how it cost him £400?

Peppafrig · 08/12/2020 22:17

Actually the controlling behaviour I think is far worse than the strippers .

LAgeDeRaisin · 08/12/2020 22:18

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry OP. You deserve so much better.

victorioussponges · 08/12/2020 22:23

Sorry OP Flowers I feel like I'm fairly relaxed but if my DP went to a strip club whatever happened that'd probably have to be it for me. I really don't understand what difference it would make that she has her knickers on or whatnot. It's ridiculous that he keeps mentioning that like it means anything. And especially to go of a random evening out of choice, and at a time when going out is such a big deal anyway because of the virus. Nothing's casual anymore. You don't just stumble into a strip club. Minimising bastard.

Imworthit · 08/12/2020 22:26

Mentioned this to my OH he agrees that he's talking out his ass and laughed, that you can drop £400 in a strip club without even blinking and that he would be most seriously pissed about the blowing that kind of money when you have 3 kids.

Tell him he owes you £400 to let your hair down and to wise the fuck up

LolaSmiles · 08/12/2020 22:30

Actually the controlling behaviour I think is far worse than the strippers .
Totally agree with you.
When someone fakes mental health issues and threatens suicide then the relationship is done and will not get any better with time.

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