To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Op he is saying these things because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He doesn’t want the narrative to be that your marriage ended because he spent a huge amount of money in a strip club.

That’s it.

It has nothing to do with your feelings or the kids. It’s all male pride and not wanting to look bad. Also he knows what he will lose if you kick him out. But that’s still not enough for him to have an honest conversation with you or respect your feelings and allow you time to process it.

I’m glad you’re looking into finances etc. I know how daunting single parenthood must feel to you. But it may be the path to a happy peaceful life. Don’t discount it

Best wishes. I wish I could give you a hug right now. You don’t deserve this.

He is playing mind games with you OP . Totally trying to screw up what your thinking so he has turned the tables on you to now believe that YOU are the unreasonable one .

Make him tell you where he was. If it's so legit. You don't buy private dances at burlesque shows and often they get topless too. He's so full of shit I'd like to punch him. I've no personal issue with strip clubs, been to many. But he's being so disrespectful feeding you this utter crap.

Classic. Minimising the kind of dive it is, the "performance", the behaviour engaged in. He wasn't scammed, he went in and spent family money on sex acts and somehow you're unreasonable and to blame. Nope. Stand firm.

I would have zero issue with my husband going to a strip club/burlesque/pole dancing venue. I have been to a few and even the very above board cabaret show I enjoyed in Paris featured many many bare breasts.

However, if he blew hundreds of pounds that we didn't have and then reacted in the way yours is we would have a major issue. Hope you are ok x

Clubs vary across cities etc but I don't really know if any that strippers keep their tops on.

Bottoms would generally come off in table and private dances.

The amount he doesn't suggests private dances - though only he and his mates know.

His deletion of messages to his mates is extremely suspect.

He's minimising according to your reaction. If it had been less, he wouldn't be doing the minimising I think, and you'd have gotten more info.

You.coukd simply ask him the name of the club and see what the reviews of it are like online ; sometimes you'll find punters describing it on forums.

But he'll probably just lie about the club name if he knows you're going to research it.

*Bottoms would generally come off in table and private dances.

Should clarify, sometimes just pulled down.

I think he’s saying it wasn’t nude etc because of Covid? I don’t know if that makes sense. None of it makes sense to me. It went from a strip club, private dances to now clothed (but private) pole dances? I feel like I don’t know what the hell is going on

He said if it had been naked or contact he wouldn’t have done it. But he also said he was so drunk, etc. He says he didn’t enjoy it but he went to get more money? So many contradictions and when I say I don’t believe him he just doubles down on it

The more I hear about strip clubs (having made it to my mid-30s without being in one) the more disgustingly vile and sleazy they sound.

I'm so sorry OP

He never lied to me before . That I know of. Which is why this fucking hurts. He sounds like my cheating ex who fucked me up for years.

So did he say was topless but bottoms stayed on (which may well be crap) but now he's changed his story to both tops and bottoms stayed on (?!)

Pretty laughable. He's just downgrading and minimising the more he realises you're not taking this and he could really be in the shit.

What is happening is that he is lying and minimizing.
He is trying to get you to agree to stop talking or thinking about it.
It is that along with spending family money that would really make me cross.

Op, I’m so sorry to read all this, but please don’t succumb to his gaslighting game. Pole-dancing club, strip club, knickers on on or off - whatever.., Who cares? THIS IS GASLIGHTING AND IT DOES NOT MATTER.

What does matter is that he is an adult with a brain and free will like anyone else and he and he alone made the decision to go in this place. That is all there is to it.

He has a wife and three young children and he is pathetic. End of.

Most men would not do this. Fact.

He has shown you who he is. You will be so much better off without him in your life and so will your children.

Don’t listen to any excuses or get gaslighted by the semantics of what is a pole dance or a strip or whatever. Irrelevant.

When he realises this nonsense doesn’t work, he will probably try and shift the blame onto you - “you’re never there for me .., yadda yadda... DO NOT ENTERTAIN THIS FOR ONE SECOND.

If you can’t see that you are worth more than this - you know your children are.

The next tactic will be to claim depression, mental health issues - woe is me... blah blah..,

Just sling his stuff and get rid.

Of course it easy to say, but please ... hold to your standards. He is a dead weight and you can’t change people like this. You really can’t.

There is soooo much more out there for you. He is ruining your life.

I’m so sorry. But at least you know.

It went from a strip club, private dances to now clothed (but private) pole dances?

I'd be inclined to go with the first, freshest account - not the one he's downgraded to since he's seen your reaction and is trying to make sure you don't leave (even temporarily).

It no doubt is starting to dawn on him that your families will find out, what he'll look like, what life in a flat with access to kids and child maintenance payments will be like etc.

Is he really easily led by "mates" some men are pathetic like that.

None of it makes sense because he's lying.

I'm v sorry he's done this op.

My now dh went into one and had a "table dance" he claimed was included with price of entry and was done in front of he and other attendees, not one on one on a stag do. That nearly finished us.

Who knows if I got the real story. I rang the club and asked (pretending I was organising a stag do, they probably saw through it, they've probably had similar calls) and it seemed to tally.

I organised to go to the only male lap.dancing club I could find (caesers in Streatham in London) and had two or three "lap" dances. One guy was stand offish, the other nearly sexually assaulted me but I remember watching him and interacting with him and thinking "fuck you!! (To my then bf) and "fuck you" to all men who do this to their partners too. I enjoyed the revenge and I enjoyed his discomfort when he knew.
We staryed together but it caused problems for a long time, and it we weren't married, no kids involved, and it was on a stag do as well. He knew from that point if he ever did anything similar again, even in a stag do, we'd be finished.

I hate the industry and I detest men who act like this.

So sorry he's put you in this position op.

Just get your finances in order. Find out how you're situated. Make sure you have all the financial documents and rental agreements including copies of bank statements and the evil £400 he got rid of. It doesn't matter whether it was a strip or pole club - or whether the girsl kept their thongs on or not - or whether he was drunk or not. He is literally a wanker.

Do check what happens if both your names are on the rental and whether you can afford it once you've booted him out. Your lease should give you some idea what you can or can't do. And as PP have said what you might be able to claim. And also what child support you might have from him.

And see a solicitor or CAB.

Good luck, look after yourself.

I also came to the conclusion the poster outlined above that all the details and semantics don't really matter. The minute they decide to go into a club like that, they're subject to whatever goes on in there; levels of nudity on stage/table dances, fake sex acts, opportunities for private dances, girls chatting and flirting .. they've left themselves open to that, they've put themselves in that position and nine of it would be being debated if they hadn't gone in their in the first place. It's all just semantics/details that shouldn't be up for discussion in the first place, because they should t have been in there. And it sounds like they left and went back in too.

Nowhere else to drink, my arse. Then wrap.up or go to an off license beforehand and drink with your mates in someone's home .. that's what everyone else does.

The opportunity for a drink shouldn't supercede decency towards your partner & family.

The next tactic will be to claim depression, mental health issues - woe is me... blah blah..

Given he's already blaming alcohol, he'll probably opt for "I think.i have a problem with alcohol, I'll.get help".

What a disgusting and disrespectful excuse for a husband and father. Sorry OP.

I think he’s saying it wasn’t nude etc because of Covid?

I don't get that at all.

If he said they only allowed "table" dances - with distance, rather than lap dances - that might make sense.

But they would still include the level of nudity normal for that club for a table dance (or a private dance if the table dance was a substitute for it). In the club I looked into the dancers were topless for most of a table dance and pulled their knickers down to their knees for the last bit of it. Private dances were nude for most of the dance.

He's trying to downgrade the club to "only" a pole dancing club but I thought pole dancing clubs often included the opportunity for table and private dances (?)

Also the amount he spent ... Suggests private dances, and he initially said he/they had private dances, didn't he?

To be honest for me it would be irrelevant what the women wore, whether there were poles, how many dances etc.
He blew £400 of family money before Christmas watching women in a sexual environment.

Had he spent £400 on porn mags or DVDs would you be as angry? I know I would

He's getting desperate OP. Deleting text messages. Why? What is he trying to hide?

Get rid. Can you imagine staying with him until you're old. Blurgh!