Page 13 | To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

porcelaine · 2020-12-07T01:34:27+00:00

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club. Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

CookieClub · 08/12/2020 13:22

@porcelaine

thanks for all the replies. the anger has settled down but now I just feel sad, because I dont see myself coming back from this. maybe if we were in a strong place and this happened (but even then, knowing how much it'd hurt me, and him doing it, Im not sure) - but we weren't stable anyway, and he's done this. the money is huge, and the minimising, blaming, as much as the paying to see other womens bodies one on one. fuck. I have made an excel of my finances and I am slowly but surely thinking this through. its right before xmas so shit timing, I dont know if I should wait, but I dont want to get talked around either. thanks for the support.

Trust me, if you were in a stronger place, it would hurt even more and then you'd be even more confused as to why it happened if you two were so happy.

I have noticed a lot of posters on mumsnet are LTB types, who don't believe a person can change/learn from mistakes etc...I am here to say that, depending what you BOTH want , you could get past this.

It might be that you need to have couples counselling, even individual counselling. He might need help around drinking habits, if there's a lack of self-control. It's not to say it's the beginning of an end.

He DID at least own up. Some people are notoriously bad for lying..they'll do so because they don't want to ADMIT to their own mistakes, or take accountability, which is part of emotional maturity and self-growth IMO.

When you say you can't afford 400....is it literally like him having spent that will put you in shit with bills? Or just that you aren't happy he has seemingly wasted 400 on himself, rather than it being a family weekend away, or the likes.

400 is a hell of a lot of money. I'd be more inclined to worry that he'd brought cocaine tbh. Is this something he has done previously, or would be likely to admit to?

Also....you said things aren't that great between you anyway - in what way? Maybe it's time to work on yourself too, so you know where you're headed.

Original poster

porcelaine · 08/12/2020 14:14

just spoke to him about it again (he keeps pushing to "resolve it" which tends to end in him storming off when im still upset or angry) and he maintains underwear stayed on. I also asked to see his phone and he'd deleted all his texts with the 2 friends he was with. bit of a weird thing to have done. he just is doing the "I was drunk" thing, so hard.

OP posts:

lakesideadvent · 08/12/2020 14:29

I don't really see what difference a very flimsy bit of nylon makes?
He was spending family money that wasn't going spare on providing sexual kicks for himself and a friend.
He hadn't checked this out with you and has minimized it since.
A g string is the least of the concerns here.

emeraldcity2000 · 08/12/2020 14:40

Has to be a deal breaker. Leave as soon as you can get yourself sorted.
Good luck - it's a horrid thing to discover.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2020 14:58

Poor you

I spent a lot of time trying to get the truth from my prostitute-using husband. Looking back, I don’t know why it was so important. I think some of it was that he’d made such a fool of me, that I figured that catching himself out on everything would make me less of a fool. Back then, it would have been important to me too, to have the truth from him - catching out or proving the underwear lie, for example. What I had was this huge pile of circumstantial evidence, and I kept looking at it as just that one bit of evidence, and well - I wasn’t going to tear apart my children’s home when I could be wrong, was I? Even though I knew really, that I wasn’t wrong. Anyway, come the day that I dumped him, I can’t even remember now the detail! But it was yet another message on his phone type thing, and yet another, “I didn’t go through with it though.” And I just snapped, finally, thank god! I said - and meant - it doesn’t matter whether you went through with it. Whether you ever intended to (also a lie used previously - not just I bottled it but it was a joke, or whatever...) - what I know is enough.

Honestly, I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted when I finally felt like that. I finally didn’t care whether it (his equivalent of) underwear on... that it happened at all was enough to end it.

Your boundary is your decision, but it’s worth considering - so what if you never see the texts? He bought a lap dance. You don’t need more reason to end it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2020 14:59

He wants to resolve it because then, if you bring it up again, "what, you said you forgave me!".

Deleting the texts... well if he was uncomfortable and didn't want to be there, the mates would be taking the living piss out of him. They don't show that, so they got deleted.

YoniAndGuy · 08/12/2020 15:03

@porcelaine

just spoke to him about it again (he keeps pushing to "resolve it" which tends to end in him storming off when im still upset or angry) and he maintains underwear stayed on. I also asked to see his phone and he'd deleted all his texts with the 2 friends he was with. bit of a weird thing to have done. he just is doing the "I was drunk" thing, so hard.

You need to leave him.

Peppafrig · 08/12/2020 15:10

Don’t ware another day of your life on this loser. You deserve better and you know it . Whether they had underwear on is here or There. They were still rubbing up all over his crotch topless.

Peppafrig · 08/12/2020 15:10

*waste

RandomUser18282 · 08/12/2020 15:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ThriceThriceThice · 08/12/2020 15:59

Hi OP

What are you looking for? What do you want from him? Is how much skimpy underwear these girls had on whilst they bent over and showed him their crotch really an issue? Is there a point where you will go ‘oh well that’s fair enough’ or ‘ no that’s really taking the piss’? The deleted texts don’t look good - but you know that.

People have different views on strip clubs and it may not be a big deal to you. But I sense it is a big deal that he left you to look after the kids and work while he got absolutely wasted, that he spent a wad load of family money that you don’t have on sexual gratification for him and his mate (btw if his mate is loaded he probably bought them all private dances on top) right before Christmas, that’s he has been emotionally abusive before and is making fuck all effort to make you feel loved and cherished. He wants you to accept it and stfu - I think you might.

For me this just seems like more evidence of who he is. Maya Angelou put it perfectly -when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

How many times do you need him to show you?

Original poster

porcelaine · 08/12/2020 16:06

He also says now it wasn’t a strip club, it was a pole dancing club, it was JUST pole dancing. Like that’s so much better? He says I shouldn’t judge him by one thing he did when drunk. Wow sounds like the fucking cheaters script even if he didn’t cheat. The deleted texts etc. I have utter contempt for him right now, I just want him to leave me alone to figure this out but he won’t, he keeps pushing then getting frustrated when I won’t leave it.

OP posts:

33goingon64 · 08/12/2020 16:11

I would kick DH out if he did this. He can make excuses about peer pressure or whatever but it's pathetic. You have my full sympathy.

notapizzaeater · 08/12/2020 16:15

He's an adult, bollocks to peer pressure. He chose to go to the cash machine twice.

Meruem · 08/12/2020 16:19

OP It sounds like what you need right now is some space. Could you ask him to leave for a while? Even a week or two. In order to “sell” it to him you can say that as things stand he’s pushing you further away and if he stays then it definitely isn’t going to work out. I mean obviously if you want him to go now permanently (and who could blame you!) then of course say that. But if you need some time alone to process, then I think you should be clear on that too. As things stand, it’s like he’s trying to bully you into letting it go.

He doesn’t get to decide what decision you make and when. He needs to realise that. You are under no obligation to make a life changing decision today, tomorrow or next week. You get to take however long you need. He screwed up. Now he has to face the consequences. He is is no position to make demands on you.

Original poster

porcelaine · 08/12/2020 16:21

please can someone just explain to me the difference between a pole dancing club and a strip club because I feel like I am being GASLIGHTED here. I thought they were the same? he says pole dancing is like no contact, underwear on, so its not the same? I feel so fucking confused right now

OP posts:

Fefifofaff · 08/12/2020 16:25

Because he knows that if he leaves you to think it's unlikely to end well for him.

But you are not wrong to want that space.

Can you say to him very clearly that if he can respect you enough to give you time to process he just might have a chance to stay, but if he keeps pressuring you then you are done immediately?

(FWIW I think you should be done in either situation, but the pressuring you is particularly disrespectful given what he's just done.)

SantasNoReal · 08/12/2020 16:25

@porcelaine

please can someone just explain to me the difference between a pole dancing club and a strip club because I feel like I am being GASLIGHTED here. I thought they were the same? he says pole dancing is like no contact, underwear on, so its not the same? I feel so fucking confused right now

Yes. Both strip clubs. Except the pole dance clubs have poles as a prop to dance on.

Like...that's it.

Fefifofaff · 08/12/2020 16:28

How does no contact pole dancing square with a lap dance? Which he admitted to? And really does it matter? It's just degrees of skankiness. It's not like one choice is strip club and the other is a box at the opera.

swimster01 · 08/12/2020 16:32

The issue is you will never be sure that what he is telling you is true ... and it will get brought into any argument you have in the future.

BuggerBognor · 08/12/2020 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SantasNoReal · 08/12/2020 16:34

They're never called "pole dancing clubs" either lets face it, it's a strip club, some have poles installed, some don't.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/12/2020 16:44

he keeps pushing to "resolve it"

Translation - he wants you to tell him it's OK, you're fine with what he did, where he went, what he spent £400 on, so that you'll shut up about it. Even if you're not saying anything, he wants you to tell him that you're not even thinking it.

Have you noticed how it's Not His Fault??

They HAD to go to a strip club (that now isn't). He HAD to buy a dance for his mate. His mate told him to go to the cashpoint, so he HAD to, didn't he? He did it because you are 'distant', so You Made Him do it. He has no agency over his own behaviour, innit?

Try to find the strength to tell him to do one. You're giving it another go, but he's showing you what his terms will be for that. Tell him to jog on. Life will perhaps be difficult for a while, but if you wobble there are plenty of MNers who've been through it and will tell you that very soon it is so much better.

Imworthit · 08/12/2020 16:45

@user686833

Why did he get cash out though? Not just pay on card? I'd assume drugs/prostitutes with that much cash, not strip club.

Because its common to scam your card. Because it will show on his receipts to the bank. £400 is easy to spend in a strip club. Wouldn't get much 'special' for that. So I wouldn't worry about that.

ScabbyHorse · 08/12/2020 16:46

I would phone the other wives and find out what they know. I've been in a strip club and it is easy to spend £400 on drinks, entry, and a couple of dances.