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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's so beautiful

231 replies

Goldenhind · 06/12/2020 00:53

Sitting watching Strictly tonight & when Amy comes on my husband says "she's so beautiful"
I appreciate she is beautiful but what really pisses me off is that he very, very rarely gives me verbal compliments.
I said nothing but thought "why do you need to say that"? I see many gorgeous men when we are watching TV but I might think a guy is lovely but don't say it out loud out of respect for my husband...I'm quite distracted & irrationally upset now.
I've got a feeling I'm being a bit ridiculous here but would be interested to hear others thoughts...

OP posts:
KiposWonderbeasts · 07/12/2020 10:10

It bothered me when I was early twenties and insecure, it doesn’t remotely bother me now. I’m not beautiful but I’m who he loves and fancies and that’s enough. .

We both comment occasionally on really stunning people on telly. Because, yes, they are gorgeous, hot or charming. (Shout out to all the other Oti admirers. She’s divine)

Your DH clearly shows he loves you through his actions. Your little snipe about his weight doesn’t really paint you as a loving partner.

Hernameisdeborah · 07/12/2020 15:24

I don't mind DH commenting on attractive women on TV every so often (respectfully of course) but if he never complimented me, it would infuriate me. YANBU.

Stillgoings · 07/12/2020 15:56

She's beautiful inside and out. I'd be agreeing with him.

sima74 · 07/12/2020 17:35

I just googled her, I so disagree with your husband- and so did my husband. She is nowhere near beautiful, in-fact looks like a rather strange looking mannequin....

FelicisNox · 07/12/2020 18:00

YANBU to feel upset as your confidence is clearly low and if your OH literally never compliments you ever then that needs addressing.

The issue is not that he complimented her: she is unnaturally gorgeous..... my DD and I comment every week how pretty she is and despite being 15 my DD has nicknamed her The Beautiful Princess and follows her on Instagram and she's not usually that way inclined.

YABU in so far as there will always be stunningly beautiful women that we can't live up to so why waste time comparing yourself?

Speak to your OH, tell him how low his comment made you feel because you've realised his effort with you is at an all time low, it's effecting your self esteem and you're concerned as to where your relationship is ultimately going.

If he tells you you're being unreasonable or doesn't take your concerns seriously this suggests he really doesn't care to improve the quality of your relationship so you need to question the future of it. If he is mortified and determined to rectify matters that's something you can work on together.

It depends how long you've been together as well because there's an element of laziness and boredom that creeps in but that doesn't mean that it can't be saved.

ISAA · 07/12/2020 18:12

Not on!
You say it once and leave it. It’s disrespectful to the other party. Period

Mirinska · 07/12/2020 18:13

It’s absolutely valid to feel upset but it’s most likely thoughtless or could be there’s something he’s trying to communicate that he’d like. It may be worth trying to get a bit of spark back if he’s saying things like ‘you’ll do’. That sounds like an answer to a request for reassurance. Acting carefree and confident in yourself even if you don’t feel it may work. Maybe look up ways of increasing chemistry, using teasing and fun, like ‘she’s hot but not as hot as..’ (name of a guy on TV) and is activated in the mind as well as physically. You could transition from that into some light hearted compliments. Unfortunately, however justified, asking someone to give compliments can be a turn off. But any compliment or thank you given lots of appreciative feeling, a smile or a hug encourages more of the same. Gratitude and admiration shared between two people can work wonders. Hope that helps.

tommyhoundmum · 07/12/2020 18:18

yanbu

Mirinska · 07/12/2020 18:23

BTW I just looked up who she was on Google images. It’s interesting because without all the glamorous sexy clothes, thick make up and I think she’s got her teeth capped, she looks very different. There’s a photo of her with pale hair and no make up referring to her struggles with Crohn’s disease. So she’s probably having to work very hard to keep up appearances and earn her living in the public eye.

Wilkie1956mog · 07/12/2020 18:36

If my DH had said that, I'd have said"Well, maybe, but I bet she wouldn't spend all afternoon cooking all your favourite bloody gluten free meals like I do, and trim your nostril hair. And he'd have laughed and said "No. I wouldn't swap." Or something like that.

winniestone37 · 07/12/2020 18:42

I find the whole culture of pointing out who you find attractive odd and I completely understand why it made you feel rubbish. Finding people attractive is like taking a poo, everyone does it but we don’t need to brag about it to prove we’re fully functioning sexual human beings. I am very comfortable with my other half being attracted to other people, I assume his fantasies are filled with all sorts of women or at least I hope so, it’s human - who cares but announcing it is unnecessary. It’s self indulgent and passive aggressive. I feel the same when women do it too. Plus if he never compliments you he’s taking you for granted (assuming you compliment him). There is a sad culture of people constantly announcing there sexuality like a badge of honour. They should do us all a favour and work on their self esteem and enjoy who they fancy in their heads.

RaspberryCola · 07/12/2020 18:52

See I was in your side and then you said your husband is ’a good 2 stone overweight’ which made me cringe, so now I don't know

hermesandhades · 07/12/2020 19:04

Mine said the same about Amy, I had to agree, not really a problem ...

Diva66 · 07/12/2020 19:08

Insist on watching The Witcher on Netflix, especially the bath scene, and keep pointing out how gorgeous Henry Cavill is.

bigmumsymcgraw · 07/12/2020 19:10

Amy is beautiful - he has good taste, which is why hes chosen you Now stop your nonsense!

PeachyPeachTrees · 07/12/2020 19:25

@bigmumsymcgraw

Amy is beautiful - he has good taste, which is why hes chosen you Now stop your nonsense!
I like this way of thinking
BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/12/2020 19:28

She’s an identical twin .... tell your DH there’s two of them Grin

tommyhoundmum · 07/12/2020 19:32

I agree with Marinka and what's more Crohns is often a killer complaint

usernamepremium · 07/12/2020 20:10

Ok when I first googled her I said not beautiful but v pretty.
This was annoying me based on other posters saying it doesn't do her justice
I just watched strictly
She is beautiful, in that she also looks like a beautiful person - she just shines somehow
Sorry not point of thread but I did change my mind on seeing her
It's not her anatomy of facial features more that she radiates beauty somehow

CherryRipe1 · 07/12/2020 20:36

Beautiful? Right, definitely 'in the eye of the beholder'..YANBU

starlight13 · 07/12/2020 20:38

OP YANBU. I've never watched strictly so I've just googled this Amy and I wouldn't say that she is that memorable. Nice looking but she looks nicer without all the make up and fake stuff.
I thought she was about 38 but I see she is only 29 so I wouldn't worry!

JuicyMumma63 · 07/12/2020 20:38

Why don't you just tell your DH what you'd do in a dark room with Anton DuBeke and see if that changes his tune

jentinquarantino20 · 07/12/2020 20:42

I have no issue with acknowledging female beauty, hell I think I sometimes prefer women to men lol but it depends on the situation. My ex used to say oh she’s fit when we was walking down the street but made me feel shit on a daily basis so that’s what got to me. It smacks of insecurity on his part and he wanted to drag me down. He was begging me back recently after 8 whole years of me leaving, probably because the fit women he wanted didn’t want him and neither do I.

She’s pretty for sure but why say it out loud if he’s never complimentary to you? It would bother me too that.

foolproof · 07/12/2020 21:46

This rings a bell with me because my husband used to do the same and your right it is a dick move if he knows that your insecure about your looks or not very confident (as i was).
The trouble was that in my case me getting upset just played right into his hands and he managed to easily wind me up.
I suggest focusing on yourself more self love is the only key worth having.
Do something on a regular basis to feel good about yourself i took up yoga and stopped watching tv with him and instead did some meditation or chatted with a friend or got engrossed in a good book.
I know i might get flack for saying so but some men can be right bitches and knowing women well can use that to push their buttons.
Yes amy is attractive but saying wow so beautiful like a mesmerised school boy is just a bit pathetic i mean get a grip on yourself mate!
I bet you are beautiful as well so feel your hurt (why should you invalidate it because its not politically correct?) and vow to make some mental space for yourself and do something that makes you feel gorgeous like having a massage or wearing clothes that have a sensual feel to them like silk or cotton.Eat well lift your spirits from the inside out and if i really need to get in touch with my femininity (sometimes we all do)
i read good old fashioned erotica like collette or anais nin or i sit down and watch a good movie i recommend wide sargasso sea or original sin with angelina jolie.
Last but not least i find doing a bit of reflection to be helpful.
I know it can be painful but ask yourself honestly are you threatened by a beautiful women? What are the qualities that they have for example that you might feel are lacking in yourself? Often its just a question of blinkered perception and the beauty you think others have you yourself actually have but you just don't see it.
The whole question of beauty is quite visceral and can trigger us all sometimes its a matter of survival (a bonnie child is often favoured) or sibling rivalry again the golden child syndrome or even as i did having a very narcisisstic mother who berated me for outshining her when i was a teenager (so much so that she once chopped off all my lovely long hair and then started crying because oops she didn't mean to!) leaving me both confused and angry do i console her or lose my temper?
So yes those difficult relationships with other females in your life could be casting a shadow? Or even a father figure that maybe didn't validate you?
I'm not saying these things to be re triggering but whenever we feel insecure or belittled the roots often go deeper than we realise. It might be worth investigating for your own peace of mind?
On the other hand maybe i'm reading too much into this but if its a regular pattern of insensitive remarks and you don't feel cared for or loved then trust your gut instincts it might not be a very good relationship?

Byebye1to1 · 07/12/2020 21:53

Speaking as a male. Find the whole notion of being compelled to make comments about the attractiveness of opposite sex on tv strange. I find females much more likely to make comments about other people male and female. My male friends have done this rarely, in fact almost never. I myself have never made a comment about the attractiveness of another female on tv or in the flesh to my wife (been with for 24years) or indeed to my friends. It’s irrelevant. Celebrities and tv / film (stars) are put on a pedestal. Most are actually much more normal looking than we think.
Feel fine the original post writer. Undermining and pointless to make comments. Keep them in your head.