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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's so beautiful

231 replies

Goldenhind · 06/12/2020 00:53

Sitting watching Strictly tonight & when Amy comes on my husband says "she's so beautiful"
I appreciate she is beautiful but what really pisses me off is that he very, very rarely gives me verbal compliments.
I said nothing but thought "why do you need to say that"? I see many gorgeous men when we are watching TV but I might think a guy is lovely but don't say it out loud out of respect for my husband...I'm quite distracted & irrationally upset now.
I've got a feeling I'm being a bit ridiculous here but would be interested to hear others thoughts...

OP posts:

MissEliza · 06/12/2020 08:31

@Goldenhind

rainkeepsfallingdown

Yes he gave me compliments at the beginning but men seem to think once said, a compliment last for ever and don't have a shelf life of 24 hours!

He tells me he loves me, is affectionate and randomly bought me flowers and chocolates yesterday. Thing is I get lots of compliments from others on my appearance but don't get why he's reluctant to be more vocal. I give him plenty of compliments on his handsomeness and abilities (and never comment on the fact that he is a good 2 stone overweight whereas I'm at the gym almost daily).

I know if I mention it to him he will get defensive and tell me I'm overthinking. Maybe I do need to let this drop but I'm not good at that.

I was feeling a bit sympathetic to you until I read this. What has your dh's weigh got to do with him making a comment? I feel there's an implication that you're better looking than him. That's not a very healthy thing to think in a relationship.

BlueCatRedCat · 06/12/2020 08:34

@Poppingnostopping

Please leave Amy Dowden alone. She is on Strictly because she is a highly skilled professional dancer and teacher, not for her looks

You honestly think looks are irrelevant to professional dancers? That they do the spray tan, have their teeth fixed, undoubtedly have cosmetic enhancements and so forth for no reason at all.

Dancing is an aesthetic sport and their looks are absolutely part of it!

Well, since half the people posting on this thread think she's not good looking, why don't you apply some logic to your thinking. No amount of spray tanning will make up for being a poor dancer and teacher. That is the job. The rest is fluff.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 06/12/2020 08:35

Wouldn't bother me but my husband compliments me all the time.

Fifthtimelucky · 06/12/2020 08:37

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse

I don't know how he even noticed Amy, Johannes and Giovanni were utterly mesmerising last night.

I agree!

scrunchiesforever · 06/12/2020 08:41

I think how attractive she is is relevant
If my partner said a truly beautiful woman was beautiful it wouldn't bother me as it's a fact and I'd agree

If it was a normal looking pretty woman like Amy I'd be more annoyed as she isn't (in my opinion) beautiful so he's looking and fancying more of an attainable person.

Probably irrational but that's how my emotions would play out

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 08:42

@Bluntness100

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I really don’t understand why folks think there views on her beauty is relevant to the thread. The op isn’t posting so folks can discuss this woman’s beauty. The point is her husband thinks she is.

Seconded. Who he said it about isn't the point. OP isn't trying to work out if he was right or not.

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 08:44

@scrunchiesforever

I think how attractive she is is relevant If my partner said a truly beautiful woman was beautiful it wouldn't bother me as it's a fact and I'd agree

If it was a normal looking pretty woman like Amy I'd be more annoyed as she isn't (in my opinion) beautiful so he's looking and fancying more of an attainable person.

Probably irrational but that's how my emotions would play out

So, for you, it's about how much of a threat the 'beautiful' person could realistically pose to your own beauty?

scrunchiesforever · 06/12/2020 08:46

Maybe so although not in relation to my own (non existent) beauty but more that I wouldn't want him thinking Brenda down the road is beautiful as could be likely at that level of attractiveness.

As I said it's just my emotions not a right or wrong

TatianaBis · 06/12/2020 08:49

No-one is “criticising” her looks. She’s perfectly ok looking.

It only signifies insofar as OP’s DH is not holding up some impossible ideal, he’s just commenting on a very normal looking woman. It hurts the OP all the same, it’s not tactful, but it could be worse.

year5teacher · 06/12/2020 08:50

I personally wouldn’t be bothered by that at all. She is beautiful! That’s my personal opinion - if I was in a relationship where I wasn’t complimented (not saying you are) then it would be different.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 08:50

Perfectly ok looking? Lol. Damned by faint praise.

picklemewalnuts · 06/12/2020 08:52

I told DH about this thread, he asked 'Ah, but does OP dance round shaking her boobies?'.

Man's perspective. Slightly infantile... but there we are.

HeadNorth · 06/12/2020 08:52

I think the issue is more that your DH doesn't make you feel beautiful and special, so that comments makes you feel undermined. Admittedly my DH would never venturte such a remark, but he may agree with me if I say a woman is beautiful. But that would be fine because I have never been made to doubt he finds me more attractive than any other woman. Your DH sounds like he subtly undermines you and that is not cool. You are right to be cheesed off about that.

diddl · 06/12/2020 08:54

Perhaps it depends how he said it?

Was it just a sort of statement of what he sees as fact?

That he wishes you looked like her?

I mean finding someone on telly attractive doesn't mean that he doesn't also find you attractive, Op.

Why not just tell him that it upsets you?

gannett · 06/12/2020 08:56

I can't imagine being in a relationship where a passing comment on a random celebrity's attractiveness will send my partner into a tailspin of insecurity. That's not normal. It's not a comment on you or a comparison to you. I find Olivier Giroud attractive - this has nothing to do with how attractive I find my DP and neither am I pitting them against each other. People can find multiple people attractive, it's not a big deal.

I would have more of a problem if comments about celebrity attractiveness happened all the time or were overly crude but a "she's so beautiful" every once in a while would barely register.

Fair enough to want more compliments yourself. This could be a love language thing, or it could just be him getting lazy in a LTR - this happens all the time. DP and I don't compliment each other anywhere near as much as we used to! Which is OK with me, I don't find I really need them. Every so often I still remind myself to tell him how good he looks, though, and he does the same. But you need to communicate this to him. Tell him it's important to you. Don't expect him to read your mind.

AddisonM · 06/12/2020 08:57

Lol at the people saying she’s not beautiful. Who the hell are you? Probably all sitting there looking like the Trunchbull

doadeer · 06/12/2020 08:57

I wouldn't be annoyed because he gives me wonderful compliments every day.

I would be upset if my husband never called me beautiful

Doingitaloneandproud · 06/12/2020 08:58

@Sammysquiz

FFS, why are people commenting on what Amy looks like? It’s totally irrelevant. The OP’s DP thinks she’s beautiful and said so out loud in front of his partner, whether or not you agree with him is really not the point of the thread.

So let’s try and discuss the actual issue without criticising someone’s looks.

This. Why talk about her looks as that she's nothing special, it's not necessary

Doingitaloneandproud · 06/12/2020 08:59

@AddisonM

Lol at the people saying she’s not beautiful. Who the hell are you? Probably all sitting there looking like the Trunchbull

Faultymain5 · 06/12/2020 09:01

Why not just tell him that it upsets you?

This!

PS: Sorry @Bluntness100 et al, I looked her up too. Don’t understand the fuss, but I imagine Spice girls and take that weren’t chosen for their harmonies. More for their appeal to different types of people. AD clearly appeals to some and not others, like us all.

scrunchiesforever · 06/12/2020 09:04

@AddisonM

Lol at the people saying she’s not beautiful. Who the hell are you? Probably all sitting there looking like the Trunchbull

Lol at the suggestion non beautiful people aren't entitled to a personal opinion on others attractiveness

Poppingnostopping · 06/12/2020 09:07

The OP didn't title this 'I'm so insecure' she titled it 'she's so beautiful' as if this were a statement of fact. People are a tiny bit surprised then to click on this because whilst a lovely attractive person, the TV person in question isn't a beauty like a supermodel.

I don't see what's wrong with pointing out Strictly is about looks as well as talent. Weirdly everyone is always saying how stunning Oti is, and how amazing her legs are, and this is fine.

This is relevant to the question because TV is a visual medium full of attractive people, and couples have to work out how they cope with that-ignoring it and never mentioning looks, chatting together about the talent, looks, charisma of people, debating it, not saying anything. I wouldn't feel insecure about this as I know my husband's crushes! But if I was never complimented about looks myself, and he exclaimed 'she's so beautiful' when a nice looking woman came on, I can see why this would be upsetting. I would just talk directly about the issue.

Perhaps some of you think Tess Daly was chosen because of her uncanny ability to do a great link and interact naturally with the participants...

AgnesNaismith · 06/12/2020 09:10

Urgh, the level of internalised misogyny on this thread is outstanding.

The problem isn’t how beautiful Amy is or isn’t in your judgement. And you think stating that she is plain/not beautiful is helpful to the OP why???

The problem is why is ops husband not involving himself in their relationship properly? Why not concentrate on helping OP with that?

Teakind · 06/12/2020 09:17

She is stunning. I wouldn't be offended if my husband pointed that out.

I sometimes comment if I see a good looking man on tv. My husband usually says I have strange taste!

LadyEloise · 06/12/2020 09:17

@katy1213
"Just googled her out of curiosity, as I'd never heard of her. She looks rather ordinary to me...."

I agree.
But perhaps on the show, rather than from an image on the internet, her beauty shines through ?

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