To be overwhelmed at this level of extended breastfeeding?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

I belong to a FB group for extended breast feeders (from when I was breastfeeding my 3 year old) and a thread just popped up on my newsfeed where a woman was celebrating her daughter’s 6th birthday and saying how she still breast fed her.

As I read the comments they were all lovely and supportive and other women came forward saying they were still feeding their 8, 9, 10 year olds (and some even older).

I won’t lie - I was surprised that breastfeeding continued for that length of time in some families, not that there’s any specific reason why it shouldn’t, but I was genuinely taken aback. I was a bit in awe really of the women who were continuing despite probably feeling it was viewed as something they ‘shouldn’t’ be doing.

When I was breastfeeding my 3 year old my husband would make the odd comment about our son “being too old for that now” so I can’t imagine what he’d have thought if I’d carried on for much longer. I suppose that’s due to the UK’s societal and cultural attitudes towards extended breastfeeding though.

AIBU to be so astonished by this?

Does anyone know anyone who has breastfed for that long or done it themselves?

I would love to understand the reality of it, and learn about the emotions/reasons behind it, and especially how the mothers cope with any negative attitudes they face - of which I imagine most sadly do.

@AlmostAlwyn

You say "not every mum can rush to school every time their 8 year old becomes upset to stick her nipple into their mouth to comfort them" and some ridiculous scenario with a teenager and I'm the one whose comments are absurd?

Why does it have to be all or nothing? My 3.5 year old is perfectly capable of being comforted by his father and his grandparents. He's not incapable of being comforted in any other way than breastfeeding. Why is it such a problem that breastfeeding is on the list of comforts?

Of course western society thinks children should stop being dependent on you as soon as possible. What are dummies for? So they don't need you to suck for comfort. Why do we put babies in a cot in their own room from a few months old?

I agree with all this - I co-sleep and breastfeed until - some may say - an adanced age. But I maintain that breastfeeding an 8 year old is fucking weird...

I was perfectly happy to stop breastfeeding when I did. It was my choice.

I can’t comment on that, obviously, but you’re certainly seeing things on this thread that aren’t there.

And I haven’t said that there is anything wrong with that necessarily.

Okay great, we agree that women can use their bodies in biologically normal ways that they want to. I don’t know what the stuff around the edges really adds tbh.

I have been referring to the attitudes of some people on the types of FB groups that the OP was referring to. Perhaps you haven’t seen those groups. I wasn’t accusing anyone on this thread of looking down on people who don’t feed to natural term.

I have been referring to the attitudes of some people on the types of FB groups that the OP was referring to.

Not when you said this, you weren’t ...

And the implication that has been so well illustrated here - that women who do NOT do this are either selfish or have been brainwashed into thinking boobs are only for page 3 mags.

@FitterHappierMoreProductive

This thread has made me think of Rose of Sharon at the end of the Grapes of Wrath, breastfeeding the dying stranger- and adult man. It isn’t there to be sexual. It’s a kind act in desperate times. In our culture we’ve clearly lost all touch with BF as a natural and powerful thing.

If you think BF an older child is weird, examine why you think that and what it says about you. Don’t try and project your own feelings about BF onto other people’s actions.

[and I’ve got no skin in this game, the latest any of my kids weaned was 2.5 years]

The thing is as much as breasts are there to feed children, and that is their primary reason if you are a mother, they are also sexual. At least mine are. They are there to feed my three children, but they also give myself and my husband sexual pleasure. There is nothing wrong with saying that - and breastfeeding an 8 year old boy, for example, could (i believe) cause him some psychological issues going forward. You may disagree - but you don't know any differently to me. I may be wrong, but so might you be. I think i'll err on the side of caution. As far as I am concerned, it's the sort of thing done by weird mums who have this desperate need to be needed...that's just how I feel...ps i say this as someone who fed their second child until he was nearly 3, but come on...8?!?!

@WombOfOnesOwn

So after all that about how OP was definitely misinterpreting and no one is breastfeeding 8-10 year olds, we have a woman admitting her nearly 10 year old daughter still breastfeeds.

@Scarlettpixie

I don't know anyone who breastfed past 5 although people probably wouldn't talk about it if they were due to the negativity expressed by some. There are some cracking examples if that on this thread!

I stopped breastfeeding DS somewhere between 3 and 4 years. I never expected to continue after he started to get teeth and thought my milk would stop after i went back to work part time when he was a year old but surprisingly neither of those things posed much of a problem. I used to pump at work (for the following day at nursery) and then feed him before and after work and at bedtime or on demand at the weekends.

By the time he was 2 he was only feeding first thing and last thing unless he was feeling poorly or overtired (something to be aware off when on holiday and up later than normal - your toddler can become very insistent). I didn't tend to feed him in public much past 18 months.

Extended breastfeeding isn't really talked about in real life as people don't tend to see it. Most babies feed much less past a year when solids are established. By then they are having other drinks too and so when out and about can have those instead.

When I mentioned I was still BF past 2 or 3 to mum friends, more often than not, they said they were too.

I think bf past school age is pretty rare though but have no issue with it personally. The child must want/need it. All the talk about it being for the mother is bollocks.

Those saying bf should stop once a child can feed themselves are being rediculous. My son fed himself from 6 months. Haven't you heard of baby led weaning? Stopping then would go against advice from the NHS and WHO. Who are you to know better?

Finally, I just don't get how people find giving their children breastmilk weird but think it is fine (or preferable) to give them cows milk which is, you know, intended for baby cows!

This is actually a really good point and has made me revise my position I think.

I don't see myself breastfeeding any 8yos of my own, but that's not the kind of erring on the side of caution I would do. I can't pinpoint any age at which I'd say right, I'd better stop by this date just in case of psychological issues later. But equally I just don't see it going on until age 8. Like another poster said, you can start to talk to them about it when they're 2 or 3.

I'd err on the side of caution in terms of not judging a mum who has for whatever reason found herself breastfeeding an 8yo.

I doubt she planned it. I would assume need rather than want. Maybe special needs, maybe medical needs, maybe just slower development or even just the presence of younger siblings I've heard, can spur on an older child to continue. We should support each other. I would also listen to her before piling on to decide all of these terrible reasons why she might have decided to do that.

Even in the situation that a mum for some reason has a wish to keep her child "young" and/or dependent, I would have thought that the controlling/overprotective behaviour as a whole would be the issue. Not the breastfeeding in itself. It's not like if this was a situation, and she stopped breastfeeding, the issue would go away. That's why I don't think it's especially relevant. If you are concerned about somebody treating their child in this way then it's a whole picture issue.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - in fact reading all the positive ones has made me extended breastfeeding in a better way. Not that I judged it before, I was simply uninformed and uneducated on the matter, but after reading people’s comments I see extended breastfeeding can be so normal and about comfort and love.

I watched an old clip on GMTV yesterday where a woman was talking about breastfeeding her 9 year old and she made it seem just a normal part of her daughter’s life and that it was just part of their close relationship. She said that her 9 year old would go weeks between feeds, sometimes months and the mum just followed her daughter’s pace. The mum said she never offered the breast but she wouldn’t refuse it if her daughter asked. She acknowledged that her daughter appeared to be growing out of it due to the extended periods between her asking for the breast, but she was fine with that as she’d always said when her daughter wanted to self wean and stop feeding then that would be the end of it.

After watching that and reading the comments on here I jokingly asked my almost 7 year old if he wanted some breast milk and his little face lit up. He came running up at me, telling me how much he loved “mummy milk” and sat himself on my lap. I then felt quite bad when I had to tell him I was joking, but it was lovely seeing his reaction

He was breast fed until he was almost 3 and has very fond memories of it, and once I’d weaned him, he saw me breast feed his brother for 3 years so it’s such a normal part of his life.

Even though breastfeeding his younger brother is much more recent (I stopped about 4 months ago) he really doesn’t seem fussed about my breasts at all anymore. Feeding was a huge source of comfort for him but at the same time he was very easy to wean, much easier than my first son has been, and shows no interest in them at all anymore. So I don’t think some children are more comforted by breastfeeding than others which may explain why some children breastfeed for so long if their mother is happy for them to do.

Typo. I meant to say I do think some children are more comforted by breastfeeding than others are.

@NoPainNoTartine my kids have been holding spoons since around six or seven months and signing for their food since about then. My little one has just started asking in words now aged around fifteen months. Do you really think that's too old to breastfeed?

In general, I think it's between the mother and child. When one has had enough then it's time to stop. My sister remembers being breastfed until around three and is currently happily breastfeeding her own tiny baby. My sister in law was breastfed until five and can't really remember it at all. We all have loads of things that we remember and don't remember about our childhood - as long as the overall feeling is of being safe and loved and well cared for, who really cares about the details?

No it’s not dreadful (never said it was) but it is not following the child’s cues, which is the reason that lots of people give for not having yet weaned (with the implicit assumption therefore that anyone who HAS actively weaned has therefore not listened to their child’s cues or not met all of their needs)

There's no implication that a mum who chooses to wean off the breast hasn't met her child's needs. She has chosen a DIFFERENT way to meet her child's needs.

The only difference is nobody talks about how weird and gross and eewwie it is to give a toddler cow's breastmilk from a bottle, but people are queuing up to tell women who breastfeed beyond infancy that they are only doing it for themselves, their child will be scarred because breasts are sexual etc.

The problem is that people have got such bizarre attitudes to women's bodies that they view them as sex objects first and foremost so those using breasts as they are biologically created have to explain something as simple as 'my child still enjoys breastfeeding and I'm happy to continue so we will feed until one of feels the journey needs to end'

There needs to be a long hard look at attitudes to women because even people saying 'but it's cultural because it's not what we do in the UK' are saying that on the basis that in the UK people have decided women's bodies are primarily sexual.

If it's totally fine to give a 3 year old a dummy (fake nipple) to suck for comfort then those saying nursing a toddler for comfort is weird need to be able to explain why without resorting to 'but boobies be sexy'.
If it's fine to give expressed breastmilk in a bottle or formula in a bottle past an 'acceptable' age, but breastfeeding is apparently gross, then those people need to explain why without 'but boobs are just sexual because they just are'

There are no words for SIDS in many cultures similar to the one described in the article.
There weren't any words to describe it here for years but it still happened. Your point?

To the people asking how ‘it for the mother’:

First, I’d like to say I don’t have any problem with EBF / NTW - it is for every family to choose for themselves.

However, I worked with a family where the mum was EBF her 6 year old, for an arts project. The child told her dad (divorced) that she wanted to stop but she didn’t want to hurt her mum’s feelings. So no, you can’t physically force a child to BF, but they are perceptive and emotionally intelligent enough to continue for reasons other than their own comfort.

formula in a bottle past an 'acceptable' age

Well you can, but there's no benefit to it.

Surely once they start school its too old. Imagine the teasing from other children if they found out!

For me breastfeeding a 2 year old seems weird, for others breast feeding 6 year old seems weird. I have a friend who was astonished that I was breastfeeding my then 7 month old. It's all relative and does it really matter?

'However, I worked with a family where the mum was EBF her 6 year old, for an arts project. The child told her dad (divorced) that she wanted to stop but she didn’t want to hurt her mum’s feelings. So no, you can’t physically force a child to BF, but they are perceptive and emotionally intelligent enough to continue for reasons other than their own comfort.'

How awful

Backbee
I meant formula in a bottle past the 'acceptable' age to breastfeed.

That's my point. Most of the people claiming it's wrong to feed past a certain point (which seems to be beyond infancy for most) have no issue giving another animal's breastmilkto their child, no issue with bottle feeding with bottles topped with artificial nipples, no issues with dummies which are artificial nipples to suck for comfort.

Their entire argument for breastfeeding beyond infancy being gross seems to rest on the principle of 'eewwwie, boobies are totes sexy'. Then they refuse to accept that maybe they could do with reflecting on their attitudes to women's bodies.

@Racoonworld

Surely once they start school its too old. Imagine the teasing from other children if they found out!

How would they find out? It's not something that comes up in conversation. DS was breastfeeding about once a week when he stopped at 5.

Surely once they start school its too old. Imagine the teasing from other children if they found out!
How would they know?
My friend's child still had a quick feed before bed aged 4 if they wanted it. It was their time and always initiated by the child. Some days child requested others they didn't. It's not for me but who am I to judge?

However, I worked with a family where the mum was EBF her 6 year old, for an arts project.

This is not a typical example of an extended bfing relationship, but obvious abuse.

I live in a very Naice little village, all posh little cottages. Theres a woman in our village, who's 7 year old goes to the village school. She still breastfeeds him, (she told another mum and somehow word got round). All the other mums now gossip about her with raised eyebrows and laughs. (Not me, I hasten to add, but ive heard it). It would be awful for the children to all find out and for her son to be the object of their ridicule, but i fear thats what you let your child in for if you carry on feeding past about 2 or 3.

@ClaireP20

You’ve misunderstood me - I didn’t say breast aren’t sexual, I said the BFing of an adult man in the Grapes of Wrath wasn’t a sexual act.

Of course breasts can be sexual, but they’re not only sexual, and certainly not at the time you’re using them to nourish your child. But the people who have an “eww” reaction to BF a child past infancy don’t seem to be able to grasp that.

I think I’m on this FB group. Keep thinking about leaving it because I find it a bit preachy and pious... but then someone posts something I find quite fascinating and I can’t bring myself to!

I do find that a lot of women in this particular group can be quite overly emotionally attached to breastfeeding. There are a lot of posts with women who are distraught about their children weaning or feeding less. Anyone who thinks about weaning before their child decides to is given a lot of stick, and it can become a bit of a ‘who can breastfeed the longest’ competition. Anyone whose Dr (or dentist! Because omg I have never seen teeth issues like I do in that group but DO NOT EVER SUGGEST that feeding all night would be bad for a five year old’s teeth 🙄) has suggested that it might be a good idea for them/their child to cut back on feeding/wean is told that the medical professional ‘needs to be reported’ and ‘needs to be educated’.

I’m happy to live and let live. I’m fine with NTW but do wonder if there is a point (6? 7? 8? Sooner if you aren’t enjoying it!) that your role as a parent is to start helping your child to transition away from breastfeeding. There are loads of skills you have to teach your child throughout their life and I don’t see why weaning is any different really.