To be overwhelmed at this level of extended breastfeeding?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

I belong to a FB group for extended breast feeders (from when I was breastfeeding my 3 year old) and a thread just popped up on my newsfeed where a woman was celebrating her daughter’s 6th birthday and saying how she still breast fed her.

As I read the comments they were all lovely and supportive and other women came forward saying they were still feeding their 8, 9, 10 year olds (and some even older).

I won’t lie - I was surprised that breastfeeding continued for that length of time in some families, not that there’s any specific reason why it shouldn’t, but I was genuinely taken aback. I was a bit in awe really of the women who were continuing despite probably feeling it was viewed as something they ‘shouldn’t’ be doing.

When I was breastfeeding my 3 year old my husband would make the odd comment about our son “being too old for that now” so I can’t imagine what he’d have thought if I’d carried on for much longer. I suppose that’s due to the UK’s societal and cultural attitudes towards extended breastfeeding though.

AIBU to be so astonished by this?

Does anyone know anyone who has breastfed for that long or done it themselves?

I would love to understand the reality of it, and learn about the emotions/reasons behind it, and especially how the mothers cope with any negative attitudes they face - of which I imagine most sadly do.

I breastfed to 2. Stopped because DS was cluster feeding at night, all night - though very little feeding and more comfort suckling - and I was becoming very very ill due to lack of sleep (was also working f/t in a demanding role).

As it turned out, it was really easy to stop! He fed to sleep one night and then I just distracted him whenever he asked for milk after that. Within a week he’d stopped asking and there were never any tantrums. It was sad, but also I felt hugely renewed and my mood/health improved massively with increased sleep.

My family were never comfortable with me breastfeeding and it caused SO many arguments. So many. I think if I’d carried on much past 2 they would have collectively imploded- which makes me so sad. Breastfeeding my baby are some of my happiest, most peaceful memories- of my whole life, not just motherhood.

As it goes, DS is 4 and still co-sleeps ... no plan to stop that either! I can’t imagine still feeding him, but to each their own. I reached the limits of what I could give in that way-
but I don’t think anyone who carries on longer is any better or worse or more or less self serving a parent than I.

So after all that about how OP was definitely misinterpreting and no one is breastfeeding 8-10 year olds, we have a woman admitting her nearly 10 year old daughter still breastfeeds.

Ok. How widespread do we think bfing 10 year olds actually is?

Astonishingly rare, if it happens at all.

There is absolutely no advantage to breastfeeding a child past toddlerhood/preschool age. None at all. How do all the advocates of breastfeeding 7 year olds imagine generations upon generations of people have survived without breast milk for so long so far? It is not about nutrition or what is best for the child, it is purely about comfort at that age. For child and mother. Why is breastfeeding at 7 more appropriate than at 12? What does a 12 year old eat that is more nutritious than what a 7 year old eats? Why can't the mothers express milk and give it to their children in a cup to drink or in porridge or whatever? If an NT 7 year old was still drinking out of a bottle and sucking a dummy for comfort people would wonder why their parents hadn't taught them how to feel comforted and secure without them yet. It's no different with breastfeeding. Stop pretending it's about nutrition and that it's completely natural. It isn't. At what age does it become weird, and why? Why does a 10 year old still 'need' to drink milk directly from their mother's breasts? If they still 'needed' it at 15, would that still be ok, or would that suddenly become weird? If so, why?

Hear hear, Ohtherewearethen.

It isn't to do with nutrition really once they are over about 2. I don't think anybody has said that it is.

Generations upon generations survived by breastfeeding to natural term (like all mammals) - it is actually industrialisation that considerably shortened the cultural normal term of breastfeeding in the West, industrialisation and then commercialisation of breastmilk substitutes, which still harms breastfeeding rates today. There are relatively few generations who breastfeed for as short a time as we do, on average.

There is a brilliant and fascinating book called The Politics of Breastfeeding which talks about the historical state of breastfeeding in the UK and other countries, and compares with different societies around the world, in the past and today. It's well researched and easy to read.

There is nothing wrong with not breastfeeding until age 7 (or whenever). It's not a personal attack. I am not entirely sure, therefore, why people who have no experience at all (by this I mean having done so themselves or a close friend/relative having done so, or having experienced it in a professional context e.g. medical professional or person who works closely with parents/children) like to barge in and insist, often vehemently(!) that there is something wrong with doing it.

Why would you think you are qualified to make that judgement? Do you often make judgements about the morality of things you have no experience of?

There were relatively few generations who breastfed (sorry)

I am still waiting to see the medical evidence about the physical benefit of breastfeeding a 5 year old...

at least in our countries with unlimited food and running water if you want to be picky.

I maintain that if you breastfeeding your 3, 4 or 5 year old, it's entirely for yourself. At least be honest about it.

Erm immunity. The benefits of breastfeeding don't switch off as the child reaches a certain age. Maybe you should read up on extended breastfeeding and find out about it.

20:43Ohtherewearethen

Try reading up on extended breastfeeding. You'll then see all the benefits (nutritional, immunity to name some of them) which surprisingly don't just switch off after a certain age. It is not just for comfort. Read up on it its all there

It is natural to breastfeed past toddlehood, we just don't see it enough in the western world.

The dummy comment is irrelevant. Dummies are frowned upon from a year because of the potential damage to the child's teeth development, a nipple is built differently, therefore doesn't cause any damage.

when a child is old enough toaskfor his food, let alone hold a spoon, then yes, it feels wrong.

^this.

Breast feeding any longer is just the mum not being able to let go and has nothing to do with the child needs. Breastfeeding is for infancy. Not for after your dc just ate some weetbix himself in the morning and then goes "mummy
Im hungry for some more". That is just weird...

@Yeahnahmum

when a child is old enough toaskfor his food, let alone hold a spoon, then yes, it feels wrong.

^this.

Breast feeding any longer is just the mum not being able to let go and has nothing to do with the child needs. Breastfeeding is for infancy. Not for after your dc just ate some weetbix himself in the morning and then goes "mummy
Im hungry for some more". That is just weird...

Why is it weird?

@catx1606 - are you assuming I haven't 'read up on it'?
If the benefits of breastfeeding don't surprisingly switch off at a certain age, why don't mothers continue to breastfeed into adulthood? How on earth do teenagers across the land manage to not only survive but thrive without sucking milk from their mother's breasts, rather than eating a balanced diet and, if the parents insisted upon them still drinking breast milk, drinking it from a cup? Do you still breastfeed from your mother? If not, why not, as you seem pretty certain that the 'immunity' and benefits of it don't just magically switch off at a certain age?

Breast feeding any longer is just the mum not being able to let go and has nothing to do with the child needs. Breastfeeding is for infancy. Not for after your dc just ate some weetbix himself in the morning and then goes "mummy im hungry for some more". That is just weird...

Why is it weird?

This is what nobody has been able to explain without resorting to 'but we think boobies are sexual'.

Natural term weaning is done on the child's terms.

What I find really weird is the willingness of so many women to view other women's bodies as primarily for men's viewing pleasure and sexual enjoyment to a point where they'd sooner judge a woman nursing a toddler than examine their own attitudes towards women.

Breastfeeding a toddler is different to breastfeeding a newborn in the same way that formula-fed toddlers don't drink the same amount of milk as newborns do.

Why do people think breastmilk is not compatible with a 'balanced diet'? It's not all they are consuming.

TBH, I do actually find dummies quite weird - I remember a relative telling me that my baby was 'just using me as a dummy'... you mean those fake rubber nipples we put into a baby's mouth? Hmmm, ok then. And I'm the weird one

And I suppose it could be claimed that a dummy is 'all about the mum' (ok, parents) and that it 'doesn't consider the child's needs' but I'm not an arsehole and I genuinely don't give a shit.

And I suppose it could be claimed that a dummy is 'all about the mum' (ok, parents) and that it 'doesn't consider the child's needs' but I'm not an arsehole and I genuinely don't give a shit.

Quite! All these children walk around with fake nipples to comfort them, but a mother who nurses their child for comfort with a real nipple is a bit weird.

Clearly the 'it's for the mother's benefit' people have never comfort nursed a toddler going through the nipping and finding their teeth stage!

It's weird because the cultural norm in our society is to see breastfeeding as disgusting, something to cover up and do in private. To the point where women used to be told to feed their babies in public toilets rather than, god forbid, allow others to see their baby feed from their breast. We actually had to pass laws to protect women's right to breastfeed in public. All the people here expressing disgust are victims of the social conditioning that's been rife for the past 50+ years. It seems it is more acceptable to wear a barely there bikini than to use our breasts for their actual purpose.

I've been feeding my little one for almost 10 months now. She has been "asking" for milk since she was born. Is that weird? That her instinct for survival is to ask for her mother's milk? Milk that contains antibodies perfectly tailored to her environment? Fats, proteins, sugars and other nutrients that support her growth at the stage she's at? Hormones that help her sleep and contribute to relieving pain? That's not weird. That's survival. The WHO recommends that breastfeeding continues until at least the age of 2. That's not because they think that the mothers benefit from it, it's because it supports the healthy growth of our children.

As for it being more for the mother- people who are saying that clearly do not understand the realities of breastfeeding long term. It's a wonderful experience but also extremely demanding, especially in a society where women are expected to get back to work within a year and where there is very little support from an extended network of family. The trapped feeling, of not having time to yourself, always having to be there, your body being not quite your own can be overwhelming at times. I'm certainly not doing this for me.

Ohthereweare - this is a very puzzling question - breastfeeding isn't purely about the nutritional and immunological benefits of course. A huge part of it is similar to many other childhood soothing behaviours children grow out of - thumb-sucking, a comfort toy, liking to be held, needing lots and lots of body contact/cuddles (of course even adults still cuddle, but not quite in the same way).

All children grow out of things that are associated with early childhood. It's entirely normal for children (of all mammalian species) to grow out of breastfeeding. Nobody has ever disputed that, there is nothing incongruent about the benefits of breastfeeding not expiring, and children outgrowing the need/want to do it. The only thing we disagree on is when it is normal/usual/appropriate for a child to do that, and I think that's simply because we're basing our assessment on different metrics - one being the biological norm, and one being the cultural norm.

I expect we don't really know enough about the immune system to know whether the immune benefits of breastfeeding are useful for a 5, 7, or 10 year old specifically, but certainly younger children are more vulnerable to infections and so on in a way that healthy teenagers and adults are not, so are perhaps less in need of immune benefits. It has never been suggested that any child (except perhaps an infant in a region where other safe foods are difficult to come by) could not survive without breastmilk, so it is a bit of a strawman to wonder how teenagers are surviving without it.

There are adults who drink breastmilk for the immune benefits. It's not for me but it does exist. I've heard it particularly suggested as a cancer supplement, for example. It is a bit "out there" but maybe there are even studies on it.

Not only as a sexual thing either, although I'm sure that exists and I don't particularly want to go down that internet rabbithole. I don't think it's relevant.

I breastfed mine until we could have a reasoned discussion about stopping which was about 2 and a half. I was just over it and wanted my body back but can’t get particularly bothered about feeding for longer really, although my dd is 6 now and that would feel totally weird

I'd suspect there's a few middle aged men, rather than genuine mothers of 10 year old breast feeders, posting on your fb group... Be careful what you post about extended bf.

Breast feeding any longer is just the mum not being able to let go and has nothing to do with the child needs

I wish those trotting this out would explain how mothers force children to feed who don’t want to.

@Ohtherewearethen you're being facetious, but if you'd read that article about Mongolia, you'd see that, there, they don't have the same attitude to breastmilk as here. It's not just for babies and can actually have benefits for adults too.

You say "there is absolutely no advantage to breastfeeding a child past toddlerhood/preschool age. None at all". What value do you place on comfort and security? Are there any advantages to hugging a child? Or them having a cuddly toy? What does it matter what the source of comfort is?

"If an NT 7 year old was still drinking out of a bottle and sucking a dummy for comfort people would wonder why their parents hadn't taught them how to feel comforted and secure without them yet. It's no different with breastfeeding."

Actually, it is. There are known detrimental effects of long term use of bottles and dummies. What are the long term detrimental effects of breastfeeding? And why is it such a problem for a child to get its comfort from its mother? Why is western society so intent on pushing children away into "independence" as soon as possible?

I'm part of breastfeeding and beyond, it's a pretty big group so I doubt it's a different one being talked about and as I'm feeding my third child I've been in it a long time. There's the odd post about a 5 or 6 year old but that's it.

And as the op will be aware because they will have seen these posts, alot of comments in that group are not about celebrating breastfeeding but for asking for help in talking to their partner, mother, family about acceptance and understanding. Instead here you are shitting on the community you are part of.