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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 05/12/2020 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

ExclamationPerfume · 05/12/2020 19:47

Nothing cheeky about the text whatsoever. He should want to help his own mum.

MessAllOver · 05/12/2020 19:48

MIL should pay for professional cleaners. Any other solution is madness.

Though I don't understand why your DH was "shocked" at the idea of helping his mother. If it is true that your SIL never helps either, I feel a bit sorry for MIL with such uncaring children, neither of whom ever does anything for her.

byebyeboyee · 05/12/2020 19:50

@Nomorepies

YABU. She's asking for help. No doubt because she's closer (and female!) It falls to her.

Look at it the other way and imagine her posting on her. "I'm a teacher working long hours and all the care and life admin falls to me for my parents. My brother does nothing etc." Being a SAHM and having OCD seems irrelevant here. This is between your husband and his sister, let them sort it. It's not an unreasonable request and just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she's not tired and in need of a break too.

This is mil second home, they are downsizing and selling the first one , they would and should have kept part of the deposit for cleaning, they are independently wealthy already and the grandmother has shingles.... knowing all these facts would you then contact your brother who wasn't expecting anyone to clean except for a professional (paid by the retained deposit) and start guilting him and his family into a 3 hour trip? and possible covid or chickenpox risk?
rawlikesushi · 05/12/2020 19:52

There's nothing cheeky about asking. That's what families are supposed to do. I can't believe that your dh was shocked, and you were outraged, by his sister making a suggestion.

As the daughter, and single, and closer, I bet she supports their parents more than you think.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2020 19:52

If you lived locally or drove then yes you should help out. However it's a long distance with children on public transport at the busiest time of year. You're in a tier 3 area so you shouldn't be travelling out of the area, spreading a possible virus around. I would suggest that she use the tenants money to do a deep clean, or sell the property if she cannot manage. After all it's her choice to have two properties.

byebyeboyee · 05/12/2020 19:52

Sil knows exactly what she's doing and wiLl probably blame them or take credit depending on the outcome.

Pugdoglife · 05/12/2020 19:53

I can't understand why anyone would want to do a deep clean themselves when they have kept the deposit for the purpose of getting in professionals to do a deep clean! The ex tennant may also be within their rights to expect a copy of the bill for cleaning to prove that the deposit hasn't been withheld unfairly.

2020 has been a rubbish year for everyone and I think you, your child and your dh should be able to enjoy a family Christmas without the extra stress. If the financial situation was different I would expect your dh and sil to split the workload while you stay home with your 3 year old, having a 3 year old around would make it harder for everyone.

FourPillars · 05/12/2020 19:59

Perhaps SIL is fed up with always being the one to help when her brother’s reply is “I’m 60 miles away and don’t drive”? Perhaps she helps in ways you don’t know about, similar to the fact she doesn’t know about your OCD? Perhaps she feels that, being a teacher, a SAHM of a 3-year old and a DH who works from home really isn’t doing it that tough?
We’re not getting her side of things but perhaps she doesn’t help out when you’re both around as she’s left to do all the helping when you’re not?
Tbh I’m not sure what you would like to get out of this thread, but I would suggest that, as many others have said, the deposit is used to clean the house by professionals.

LM20 · 05/12/2020 20:01

If MIL needs help cleaning, sent SIL a list of local cleaners for the property! CF...

Mydogmylife · 05/12/2020 20:02

@UsernameA1B2

Sil is alot nearer and it would be difficult for us to get there. And with my ocd I'm struggling at the moment. They also have not been any help with dc ever
But you say they don't know about your OCD, so its a bit unfair to then use it a stick to beat her with when she's asking for your help. She's even suggesting that it's only your DH that goes to help, so you don't have to. MIL sounds like she's having a hard time, why wouldn't her children rally round to help?
MyOwnSummer · 05/12/2020 20:04

If the tenants challenge the withholding of the deposit, she will need to show evidence of what her costs were to clean up the mess, replacement of broken items etc. So she will need to provide invoices or at least detailed quotes for the jobs.

Surely that is as good a reason as any to just let professionals handle it.

Regardless of anything else, I'm not clear why the SIL is involving herself anyway- if MIL wanted help, surely she'd ask?

Mydogmylife · 05/12/2020 20:04

@UsernameA1B2

Also forgot to add Sil is single with no dc.
And this doesn't mean she has to do all the skivying by the way
converseandjeans · 05/12/2020 20:07

YABU to expect SIL to do everything.

I don't see why you & DD need to go along. Just send DH on his own.

I do think however that professional cleaners would do a better/quicker job & tbh by the time DH has paid transport it would likely just be as cheap to get someone in.

I don't think looking after a 3 year old is as much work as teaching. I've done both.

I think SIL is trying to encourage DH to take an active part in helping.

It must be hard work not having a car. Can either of you drive?

MyOwnSummer · 05/12/2020 20:07

Ha, xpost with @pugdoglife

rawlikesushi · 05/12/2020 20:08

@Beautiful3

If you lived locally or drove then yes you should help out. However it's a long distance with children on public transport at the busiest time of year. You're in a tier 3 area so you shouldn't be travelling out of the area, spreading a possible virus around. I would suggest that she use the tenants money to do a deep clean, or sell the property if she cannot manage. After all it's her choice to have two properties.
They might rely on the rental income.

I agree that a cleaner would be sensible.

I don't think op has to go and take dc, her dh could make the journey alone.

ddl1 · 05/12/2020 20:11

*'Also forgot to add Sil is single with no dc.'

And this doesn't mean she has to do all the skivying by the way*

I had interpreted it as meaning that she does not have the same worries about spreading Covid in her own home - not that she needs to do all the skivvying. Nevertheless, she works in a relatively high-risk job, and could be at risk of transmitting Covid to her mother, and even more importantly, her grandmother.

The deposit should be used to pay for professional cleaning - that's partly what it's for. If there are a lot of expenses, you could help out on that.

MzHz · 05/12/2020 20:15

I’d ignore the text completely

It’s absolutely bananas to expect you to schlep up there on buses 6 hours round trip, with kids? Fuck that!

Honestly don’t even dignify that text with a response

rawlikesushi · 05/12/2020 20:15

I just think op's dh and sil need to have a proper conversation.

SIL obviously thinks that her brother has the easier life - he works from home full-time and op is a sahm, while sil is single and is a full time teacher.

Of course, op and her dh think that sil is the one who has it easier. She doesn't have dc, and never helps out at Christmas.

They need a proper conversation about how they'll both support their parents as they get older, in a fair way, to avoid resentment.

thosetalesofunexpected · 05/12/2020 20:18

Hi Op
I agree too it is good idea for your SIL and your husband to find a good cleaner and for both of them to pay for this option.

.either that or go up to where your mother in Law has this rented house and help out for either a day or two,whatever is manageable ..

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 20:18

Surely it's part of your MIL's business costs to employ a cleaner at the end of a tenancy. It's tax deductible. It's like your SIL's headteacher asking her to clean the classrooms.

VetiverAndLavender · 05/12/2020 20:21

I do think it's cheeky of her to suggest that your husband (and potentially you, as well) should help, when she won't do so herself.

I think so much of this depends on the relationships of those involved. I'd do a lot to help my parents or my husband's parents, if I could, but if we didn't have a good relationship, I might not!

It's difficult for you to get there and SIL isn't willing to do her share (even though she wouldn't be risking spreading Covid to MIL by doing so) and you don't sound like you have a close, reciprocally helpful relationship with your in-laws and your in-laws have plenty of money to pay to have the job done... So no, I wouldn't do what SIL suggests.

Porridgeoat · 05/12/2020 20:22

He could tell her that he will help if she does. They can do it together on the same day. Tell her not to worry about covid as it will be fine if parents leave it three days post clean before reentering the house

thosetalesofunexpected · 05/12/2020 20:25

Hi Op
Also help your mother to find a reasonable priced budget cost gardener, some gardeners charge pensioners less,cheaper if they can provide prove they are state pension/disablities(health issues

Also is there charity organisation that helps to cut a garden for free ?(maybe the council will know about it or support this.

(As where I live in wales there is a charity that helps to cut,maintain gardens for free/donations only basis supported by the council..

shreddednips · 05/12/2020 20:25

I don't think she's being a CF, but I also don't think she's being very practical. I understand exactly why she doesn't want to risk unnecessary contact if she's a teacher (if there would need to be contact at all), but I also think it's daft for your DH to travel on public transport from one tier 3 zone to another when a local cleaning company could do it. Long-distance public transport isn't cheap, may as well spend the money on a cleaner. But if she's kept the deposit, isn't that what it's for in this situation?