AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

[UsernameA1B2]

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

They rent out a house, it’s a business.

They should build in the cost of cleaning between tenants into their business plan.

I hate it when people pull in favours to make their businesses, or sidelines, more profitable.

This has the feeling of something where the family feel like your DH is not pulling his weight. How much effort does he make with seeing them, speaking to them, all that? I hope it doesn't all fall to you to sort as the woman.

If anyone goes to help it would make a lot more sense if it's him going alone. No sense in bringing a 3 yo on a cleaning trip, so that just takes you as child care out of the equation anyway, and is also more sensible given your OCD.

She’s incredibly higher risk than you. Plus the workload for teachers is currently astronomical. DH is working from home so surely could even wfh from parents house if needs be?
Your OCD has nothing to do with it.
Their parents are getting on.
They should both cover the cost of a cleaner/gardener if PIL cannot do this themselves- though can’t see how if they have the retained damages deposit from the tenants?

could he message back and say that due to no transport, we cant make it as not prepared to use public transport during the pandemic and level 3 restrictions, and for the cost of all coming, would be cheaper to get a cleaner anyway. Hope you are all well

@Brokenchair1

This is totally the kind of thing I could text my Dsis. I live local to DM. Dsis lives 3 a round trip away. Neither of us would find it weird or rude to send a message asking the other to help out. Eg when DM has been ill we've taken it in turns even if it means Dsis driving down.

I find it very odd that your DH couldn't go away for a night or two to help his DM and that he's taken umbrage to the request.

Echo previous PP. If the fact is that you don't want to be left alone due to OCD then maybe you need to be honest with the in-laws why and also seek some support.

It wouldn't be a night or two. Due to regulations it would have to be the full 5 days. Its greedy for both of the DSis and Mil to even expect that. She kept the full deposit and now wants Sis who wants son to go and do ot. Talking about making a profit off of your child's back. Mil needs to use the deposit to clean and repair the home. Not be greedy and pocket the deposit and make others do the work

Haven’t RTT.

There’s no reason why the OP would need to go surely? Her DH could go on his own to help. I’m wondering if the DH is Golden Bollox and the sister is hacked off with doing all the grunt work.

I really don't get most of the replies on here. Weird to be expected to go and undertake what is in effect a business task when it can be done much more efficiently by professionals. As the PiL have plenty of money and have kept the deposit, this makes an even stronger case for this to be the solution.

I can't stand being guilted into doing something because someone else doesn't want to either. There's no reason why SiL couldn't help when MiL has moved out if she thinks it's that important but she doesn't want to and has form for that.

What a waste of your DH's holiday time to be doing commercial cleaning. He won't be able to do much on his own in a couple of days anyway if it's that bad, and one of the days will be taken up in travel time. It would be different if it was the parents' own house and they were both infirm and lacking financial resources but that's not the case here.

I have a feeling there’s a massive backstory... your in-laws don’t know you have ocd, sil is entitled, mil is rich but I assume she’s nice enough as no other comments.
Parents need help as they get older, money is not included in this, as sometimes the help is in arranging help. your post strongly suggests you don’t think your family should be the one providing it. That’s fine op as long as you accept that you reap what you sow..
based on a normal family relationship, in the main our parents raise us, and we help as they age.

Sil lives nearby... do you know what help she provides? She may be on the phone every night to mil providing support, organised shopping etc? Do you know or assume she does nothing?
Your in laws dont know you need help, they don’t know you have ocd. They see a young couple, one child ok financially as mum is sahp and dad is wfh so is helping. I accept you’re struggling but honestly this sounds like everyone needs to be honest about life’s realities.

Finally... How would you feel if this was your relationship with your child in 30 yrs time? If this was the way your child’s partner was interacting with you? You marry into a family, and if you love him and he’s a good partner it’s ‘generally’ because he pil did a good job

This post is hard to help on as I think it’s complex.... but please try to look at the bigger picture and not just the posts that agree with you.

@Ideasplease322

They rent out a house, it’s a business.

They should build in the cost of cleaning between tenants into their business plan.

I hate it when people pull in favours to make their businesses, or sidelines, more profitable.

Its gross to make that profit off your child's back and put them at risk, away from their families. Mil and sis are gross and cheeky for this

@Lollypop701

I have a feeling there’s a massive backstory... your in-laws don’t know you have ocd, sil is entitled, mil is rich but I assume she’s nice enough as no other comments. Parents need help as they get older, money is not included in this, as sometimes the help is in arranging help. your post strongly suggests you don’t think your family should be the one providing it. That’s fine op as long as you accept that you reap what you sow.. based on a normal family relationship, in the main our parents raise us, and we help as they age.

Sil lives nearby... do you know what help she provides? She may be on the phone every night to mil providing support, organised shopping etc? Do you know or assume she does nothing?
Your in laws dont know you need help, they don’t know you have ocd. They see a young couple, one child ok financially as mum is sahp and dad is wfh so is helping. I accept you’re struggling but honestly this sounds like everyone needs to be honest about life’s realities.

Finally... How would you feel if this was your relationship with your child in 30 yrs time? If this was the way your child’s partner was interacting with you? You marry into a family, and if you love him and he’s a good partner it’s ‘generally’ because he pil did a good job

This post is hard to help on as I think it’s complex.... but please try to look at the bigger picture and not just the posts that agree with you.

Hopefully OP wouldn't be trying to make a profit off the labor of her child...

It's her business, that she runs to make a profit. She's kept the deposit, so she needs to use that to pay cleaners.

If SIL / DH volunteer to go and clean, they'll have to pay for train tickets, spend time travelling, pay for cleaning materials, spend longer cleaning than professionals would, probably pay to stay overnight somewhere, and then spend the time travelling back. They'll be exhausted and resentful.

... all so MIL can keep the security deposit? It's madness.

It's been a long hard year for everyone, including OP. Watching D.C. at home while DH works isn't all fun and games. I'm sure they are looking forward to some time together to be family. If DH has to go racing off to clean, that's no fun.

And DH's time with his family should be spent together doing family stuff, not doing jobs that other people can be paid to do.

I wouldn't say they are gross and cheeky, I think they are thoughtless.

And I suspect everyone in this situation is very siloed in in their thinking, seeing their wants and needs and nobody elses. Of course, covid isolation has exacerbated this natural tendency.

Due to regulations it would have to be the full 5 days.

Why? I’ve never read that!

*it's 3 hour roundtrip and they are tier 3 so shouldn't be going anyway.
*The mil will be there with her mum I'm assuming with shingles a highly infectious disease which could infect them and their toddler.
*Mil does have more than enough money to pay a cleaner and has the deposit as well to cover it.
YANBU Sil should never have tried to guilt trip you all into a dangerous adventure because she wants to lesson her own guilt at not helping her family. Since she has a form for delegating tasks, there was no reason Sil couldn't have cleaned the house herself before MIL moved in the very fact that they moved on before cleaning and airing out for covid is ridiculous

@UsernameA1B2

Just found out Mil has kept the entire deposit. So that should cover cleaning costs with a company surely

Tbh the mil hasn’t asked it’s the sil. She’s not unreasonable to ask for help, and your yanbu to say that you can’t. But yaby to expect them to know about your OCD and other issues. They aren’t mind readers.

@mbosnz

If she has kept the entire deposit then the likelihood is that the place was left in a huge mess with significant damage. These days, you can’t just keep the whole deposit because you fancy it.

In which case it's a job for professionals, not to lumber already rather busy family members with. And yes, he may be wfh, but he's doing a full-time job. And her daughter in law (and as we're often told, it's very different with daughters in law), is also busy running her household to support her husband wfh, and wrangling her toddler.

Absolutely get the professionals in, that's the point of keeping the deposit, to cover the costs.

Cleaning an end-of-tenancy is on nobody's list of festive fun, is it.

Can you offer to contribute for a professional clean if MIL could not afford it?

Ie, "thanks for the message, SIL. I know mum is under pressure. How about we put £60 in each and get her a half day with a cleaner?".

I think that the way they expressed it was rather impolite: they should be asking you and DH as a favour, not saying that they 'think you should' do it. You will know better than me whether this is just the way that they express themselves in general. I don't, however, think that it's necessarily CF-ish for them to ask you at all. It's quite likely that MIL really is worried about catching Covid from her daughter who is in a high-exposure job; and that they are all feeling desperate. They don't know about your own health issues; and, speaking as a non-driver myself, people who do drive often take their travel freedom for granted and don't realize how difficult certain journeys can be for non-drivers, especially at a time when people are advised to minimize use of public transport. You might explain to them that, due to health issues of your own and to transport difficulties, it's difficult for you to come at this time, and, as pp have said, suggest that you club together to pay for help with cleaning.

MIL can afford an investment property and has retained the whole of the deposit. MIL can use the deposit to cover the cost of the cleaner, and offset it against tax. Okay, not as profitable as exploiting family as free labour, but perhaps in this instance, needs must might have to must.

I think it is a reasonable request but could you not offer to pay towards a professional clean as a one off? I'm sure it wouldn't break the bank for any of you to do that and it would be efficient.

@MyGazeboisLeaking

Cleaning an end-of-tenancy is on nobody's list of festive fun, is it.

Can you offer to contribute for a professional clean if MIL could not afford it?

Ie, "thanks for the message, SIL. I know mum is under pressure. How about we put £60 in each and get her a half day with a cleaner?".

They can afford it, they are downsizing and are wealthy they decided not to clean keep the money, SIl is obviously feeling guilty or just controlling and wants them to clean the place

I don’t think she’s a CF to suggest her brother helps his mother. But YANBU to explain it’s not possible for you or him to travel there so you won’t be able to.

As an aside, please do seek help for your OCD. You’re just as entitled to help as anyone else, there will probably be a long waiting list so you may as well join it now. I’m not saying this because I think it’s affecting the situation you posted about, just because I know how OCD can take over family life and I don’t want anyone to go through that any more than they have to

I can’t stand it when people suggest others do work that they’re not prepared to do themselves. There is no way I’d be cleaning a second home for someone who owns an extra property to make money.

I see the professional clean has already been suggested.