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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Sil is a CF?

363 replies

UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 17:49

Changed username as this is quite outing.
Background - I'm a sahm so look after dc (almost 3) and do all the cooking and cleaning. Dh works from home full time with lockdown. Dc is quite an active handful and and I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more. My in laws do not know about my ocd).
Mil lives about 60 miles away and we don't have a car as we both can't drive. Mil rents a house and the tenants moved out recently and left the house and garden in a bit of a mess. Mil wants to move into this house so she can sell the house they living in as they downsizing.

Sil sent dh this text: I think u should consider offering to come down for a wknd or couple days over Xmas to help clean the house (either alone or with the wife and dc). Mums physically drained looking after her mum and fighting her shingles and FIL getting on and doing so much as well. I'm high risk with my job. You're relatively low risk working from home.

Sil is a primary school teacher. AIBU or is that mega cheeky? We are in tier 3 and before the recent lockdown we were in tier 3. Me and dh looking forward to a break over Christmas and my parents helping with dc for a few days over Christmas. We certainly do not want to go and clean mil's house.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 05/12/2020 18:59

It sounds like SIL doesn't think her mum should have to do all the cleaning herself, but she has no intention of doing any of it herself so she's expecting your DH to do it.

On that basis I think DH can say no. He doesn't have to make up for his sister's lack of help.

Cleaning company, and MIL can pay.

Notapheasantplucker · 05/12/2020 19:01

Mil needs to get a cleaner in.

Heyahun · 05/12/2020 19:01

Couldn’t get too upset about this - surely your husband just says no he can’t

His mum can get a bloody cleaner in if she’s not able to clean it herself!

And what’s the point of going to clean it now if she’s not even moving in any time soon 😂

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 19:02

billy1966 my feelings exactly

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 05/12/2020 19:03

Have you said no yet?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/12/2020 19:06

@Mariebarrone

If the tenants have left the house in such a state mil should keep hold of some of the deposit and get the cleaners in.
This.

I voted YANBU for this reason. If it's that bad, get some professionals in. They'll be grateful for the work and your MIL won't overdo things.

I've had thingles myself - it's a bugger! She needs to take it as easy as she can - but paying cleaners isn't just easier it gets the job done much more quickly and she doesn't have to worry about it.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/12/2020 19:07

Really irritating when people point out that people are single like it’s a get out of jail free card for them to do shit work (like this / work shifts for Xmas)

Jenstar123 · 05/12/2020 19:08

SIL sounds like a dick but also don’t think DH or her should be expected to clean their parents rented property when the clearly have more than enough money to hire a cleaner, maybe they are guilt tripping SIL for not helping and she’s trying to turn the attention on DH? It’s irrelevant who does or doesn’t have DC though, you are all entitled to a break it’s not a competition...Just say no and move on with your lives. Smile

Andylion · 05/12/2020 19:08

@badacorn

Go halves on professional cleaners? Or send DH. Although if the house is currently empty it’d be fine for both of her adult children to go surely.

didn’t she keep some of the deposit for cleaning if they left it in such a state?

The OP's DH and SiL don't even have to go at the same time.

However, if getting there is so time consuming, (and I do have sympathy, as a fellow non-driver), perhaps DH could arrange for cleaners and SiL could be there to supervise?

IndecentFeminist · 05/12/2020 19:09

I doubt it is solely about the cleaning, but a bit of moral support for a struggling parent. Maybe the place really needs a lot of sorting out and the mil could just do with another person there talking it through etc. Just being there, acting like they care.

SewingBeeAddict · 05/12/2020 19:09

@mbosnz

Mmmm, if you've got a SIL that sits on her arse and expects everyone else to do the work, that definitely gets old.
Exactly! OP is getting a very hard time here. 3 hours on a train at Christmas in a pandemic with a 3 year old. Shes batshit ! People who " volunteers" others are CF !
NewlyGranny · 05/12/2020 19:10

You don't clean up after tenants! You clean up before you leave if you are the tenant, or you withhold sufficient funds from the deposit to put things right with professional cleaners if you are the landlady. Popping in once it's clean and fresh to hang curtains or arrange furniture delivered by a removal firm is about the limit of what close family should be doing, I reckon. And only then if you have your own transport!

SiL may or may not be a CF but if she isn't, she's remarkably clueless.

mbosnz · 05/12/2020 19:10

I've had shingles also (had them for my wedding day, what joy!), and I know how awful they feel.

Sometimes parents get a bit of tunnel vision, where they think that if their kids could (in any way, shape or form) do stuff, then they should, after all they did for them, and cos faaaaaaamily. . . And if you've been brought up in that mindset, it can be very hard to say no. And if you've got a sibling saying that you ought, because you know, faaaaaamily, that's even harder.

That doesn't mean to say that it would be unreasonable to say, actually, you need to put money into your business (your investment property), pay for professional cleaners, and set it off against tax. Rather than being unpaid labour that is exploited so as not to have to invest in your business.

Littlemissnutcracker · 05/12/2020 19:12

A few feelings on this. Firstly I would let dh handle it (mil stuff I just stsy out of or if mil gets a bit much I ignore and he sorts it)

Not they it's your issue (but your husbands) having a toddler and no job isn't as busy as a being primary teacher (having done both - I had two under 18 months and it wasn't as busy)

I think SIL is feeling put out - is she doing more day to day stuff and feeling pissed off?

Dh could go and do a days work but make it clear its a one off. My dm makesot of demands on me but I compromise once a fortnight I will give up a few hours (stuff she could easily do but I don't want a row)

No way would I go and bring a toddler though.

Andylion · 05/12/2020 19:12

Bit different if it was full of your mum's stuff and needing sorting, personal items.

Good point,

2020nymph · 05/12/2020 19:13

@picklemewalnuts

People don't realise how hard public transport is, if they don't do it themselves. Is it the same tier as you? It will limit who you see, as well.

Text back: six hours travelling and exposed to CV isn't sensible or cost effective. Better to pay for help with the house, and we'll come for a proper visit when the CV situation is better.

This. I would not like to be travelling 3 hours + on public transport with a toddler and the all the things you would need to bring, assuming you would stay overnight.

I also think that what their deposit is for.

And surely they would want to provide a cleaning/gardening job for someone in need! Wink

beavisandbutthead · 05/12/2020 19:13

So SIL is judgmental of you and your DH life choices and views your role as a SAHM with contempt. However I do wonder whether MIL has been chewing her ear off about it and therefore SIL is looking at options that dont involve her using her time off to clean MIL rental. As she seems to view you being at home and your DH WFH as having a holiday.... If my sister sent me that text I would be calling her back and asking why she is getting involved and tell her straight that our mother can pay a cleaning company as i wouldnt be doing it- quite simple really

londongirl12 · 05/12/2020 19:14

You're in tier 3. With public transport over Xmas, you'd end up spending the whole 5 days away which isn't fair. I'd go with the cleaner suggestion

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2020 19:15

The mil is a landlord. She should have got the tenant to do a deep clean before leaving, it’s generally in the AST. If the tenant has left the place in a state, mil needs to use part of the deposit to get it professionally cleaned as per pp. It’s pointless the OP or the OP’s DH to go on public transport for 3 hours to clean an empty house.

Original poster
UsernameA1B2 · 05/12/2020 19:16

Just found out Mil has kept the entire deposit. So that should cover cleaning costs with a company surely

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 19:16

Get a cleaning company in for a blitz clean ,mil can afford it

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 19:17

@UsernameA1B2

Just found out Mil has kept the entire deposit. So that should cover cleaning costs with a company surely
If she has kept the entire deposit then the likelihood is that the place was left in a huge mess with significant damage. These days, you can’t just keep the whole deposit because you fancy it.
Brokenchair1 · 05/12/2020 19:18

This is totally the kind of thing I could text my Dsis. I live local to DM. Dsis lives 3 a round trip away. Neither of us would find it weird or rude to send a message asking the other to help out. Eg when DM has been ill we've taken it in turns even if it means Dsis driving down.

I find it very odd that your DH couldn't go away for a night or two to help his DM and that he's taken umbrage to the request.

Echo previous PP. If the fact is that you don't want to be left alone due to OCD then maybe you need to be honest with the in-laws why and also seek some support.

mbosnz · 05/12/2020 19:20

If she has kept the entire deposit then the likelihood is that the place was left in a huge mess with significant damage. These days, you can’t just keep the whole deposit because you fancy it.

In which case it's a job for professionals, not to lumber already rather busy family members with. And yes, he may be wfh, but he's doing a full-time job. And her daughter in law (and as we're often told, it's very different with daughters in law), is also busy running her household to support her husband wfh, and wrangling her toddler.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 05/12/2020 19:21

I don't think she phrased it well and I think expecting you/DH to travel 60 miles (I'm assuming on public transport) while you're in tier 3 is a pretty big ask. Are they experienced landlords? because it's not unusual to get professional cleaners in at the end of a tenancy.

As an aside: I'm quite stressed/ busy with dc and my OCD (it has got worse during the lockdowns, but I'm reading some ocd books and slowly trying to reduce the amount of ocd rituals. I might ask to be put on waiting list for cbt but with lots of people suffering with their mental health I don't want to take the place of someone who may need it more.) Don't wait for a MH crisis before seeking help, and don't worry about other people needing help more. Go get on that waiting list (which is probably pretty long anyway) put yourself FIRST because your health is important. Flowers
If you're looking for CBT books, I found CBT for Dummies a really 'user friendly' book.