I believe in God in a philosophical sense rather than a religious one. I believe God is part of us, that God is the third eye, that God is a power we ultimately find on our own terms. That said, I believe there are spiritual people who are wonderful at delivering insight and love without ramming their ideas down our throats. I've met a few.
God is our higher consciousness and once you learn to tap into that higher consciousness, you feel silly for ever rejecting God in the first place because you are only rejecting yourself and the power of being alive with love. What you're rejecting- and rightfully so, imo- is the traditional, old-school Judeo-Christian concept of God who is depicted as some fickle father figure with superpowers who works on a rewards-based system, storybook stuff full of symbolism. It has its place and its own beauty, but it's not for me, personally.
In my view, God is not 'who'. God is not the answer or the reason. God never asks for exaltation. God is not a concrete idea. God is a movement within, I believe, fluid and glorious. As our physical selves rely on our circulatory system to stay alive, so our spiritual selves rely on God to stay awake.
God is you, letting go of want and need and replacing this with one thing: love. And once you summon the power of enlightenment and deeply understand how to utilise love's power, then you have, I believe, found God; found the power within you to truly face life's lions in the den, of which there are many, and overcome many obstacles. When you live in this way, you deliver goodness and light to the world while you are in it and you understand that our seasons of sorrow are not 'God's plan', 'God's will', or 'of God's doing'. Nor are our fertile times, those times when life is choc-a-bloc full of sweet fruit on the verge of being overly ripe about God rewarding you for being a good egg. Life is what we ourselves make of it. If bombs go off, it's leaders of men, not God, at the helm. If I win the lottery, it's not God's will. I just chose damn good numbers. It doesn't make me less grateful or less humble.
If I am broken and walking through decimated streets of Aleppo, for example, unable to see the corpses for the tears blinding me, then I am anointing myself in love for humankind and utter sorrow for the devastation we insist on perpetuating. I don't ask God why. I ask humanity. God has nowt to do with it. It's on us; the good, the bad, and the ugly. But God, that light within, centers us as we muck about in all this order and chaos, and balance is restored from time to time.
My belief in God, on my terms, allows me to see and feel that there is another side to life's sorrow, another side aglow in love. There is the light and the joy, the celebration of love for the people I cherish, the people I grieve and miss. God helps me remember that the light of love burns continuously when I am struggling with sadness. That brings me great comfort. I would not have reached my various points of peace without that divine light. So yes, I deeply believe in God. I believe in myself and the love I am capable of living in and delivering during my brief time taking a few trips around the sun. I believe that life has no meaning. It's all chaos and a bit of order peppered here and there. But life, your life, is full of meaning, full of love, and that is what matters. Live it in truth.