AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

[Christmaspanic24]

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

YABVU if you're contemplating letting his training take over family life. If he wants to get fit and run a marathon then great, but he has parental responsibilities and needs to fit training around that.

I run marathons and the deal in my house is that it can't impact on my time with the kids, plus DH gets the same amount of "free" time I do. This means all weekday training has to be incorporated into the working day (run commutes or lunch runs - logistically difficult but necessary) and weekend long runs mean 5am get ups on either a Saturday or Sunday.

DH turned this to his advantage by pointing out that, if I was taking 4 hours on my own on a Sunday morning I should have sole charge of the DC when I got back. This has meant many a Sunday morning nursing coffee in a swimming pool/kids party/playground etc, after a 22 mile run, when I'm knackered. But that's my decision to have tired myself out, and it's not fair on the kids for me not to be there.

You need to do the same, OP. Be totally pro his marathon training, on the proviso that he's ready to take over with the kids from 9am while you have a solo lie in/run/bike ride, whatever. And frankly if he can't hack early starts followed by playing with the kids then he's not hardcore enough to run 26.2. Marathons are hard!

Saraclara
Yes, I was doing renovations, as well as working, 2 young children and a dog and and elderly mother to care for. I'm not saying I'm wonder woman, I'm just trying to say with compromise it can be done. I'd have been gutted if my husband hadn't been supportive of my running , I do think it was essential to my mental health at the time. I understand the OP's reservations but maybe she needs to discuss with her partner what his plans are for training and then plan a fun weekend in London to support him.

And I agree with fellrunner85 ! My god, I remember doing 20 odd mile runs first thing then taking the kids and dog for long walks down the beach or swimming , absolutely exhausted and very stiff legs whilst my husband did his thing (or got on with the house renovations!) . It's exhausting but it's a choice I make and I don't want the kids to suffer for my hobby.

Wineiscooling OP hasn't said that she isn't supportive of his running though. She's said that she is angry that he has made the unilateral decision to sign up to a charity place for a marathon when she'd already told him that she didn't think it was the right time for their family.

And totally re: training not impacting on family life. I ran my first and probably only marathon a couple of years ago, and if you can't run 20+ miles then do a children's birthday party, you're just not hardcore enough.

Should be part of marine training actually.

OP, both DH and I are runners and I would be FURIOUS in your position! I think I’d actually put my foot down and say he’s not doing it / he has to arrange paid childcare if he wants to go for a long run.

We’re about to start trying for a family and we’ve agreed not to enter any big events we’d have to train for whilst the kids are small. We will still both aim to get out for 4-5 30 mins run per week but that’s only if there’s time / the kids or the other parent aren’t ill / work isn’t too busy etc.

Totally unreasonable of him to just assume you are happy to have the kids on your own for an extra 4-5 hours per week, especially without getting your own “me time” in return!

He didn't just assume! He knew that OP wasn't happy about it and did it anyway.

[quote rookiemere]@henryhooversnose it would be very unusual to run a marathon without being injured unless you have some long distance runs under your belt. I think under 3 hrs for a marathon is classed as pretty damn good, so at the very least the DH should be out for a fee 2-3 hr runs and as he's not likely to be an elite runner, nearer 3-4 hour runs.

Your DH sounds very lucky not to have hurt himself with such inadequate training.[/quote]
He didn't suffer any injuries. He does however have a very physical job so maybe that helped.

What time did he run the marathon in, @henryhooversnose? Pretty amazing not to go for longer than an hour in training (so, what - eight or nine miles max, probably) and get round a full marathon okay.

I don't think he is unreasonable to do it but unreasonable to not discuss with you first. I have a time consuming hobby and always discuss and agree the time commitment with DH so we can both fit in everything we want to do on our own, look after the children and have family time.

I've tried to get into the London Marathon three times now but I've never been given a place 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure that helps, but I didn't think the ballots have been announced yet (or am I wrong?). I didn't enter this year because of baby!

@Conkergame

OP, both DH and I are runners and I would be FURIOUS in your position! I think I’d actually put my foot down and say he’s not doing it / he has to arrange paid childcare if he wants to go for a long run.

We’re about to start trying for a family and we’ve agreed not to enter any big events we’d have to train for whilst the kids are small. We will still both aim to get out for 4-5 30 mins run per week but that’s only if there’s time / the kids or the other parent aren’t ill / work isn’t too busy etc.

Totally unreasonable of him to just assume you are happy to have the kids on your own for an extra 4-5 hours per week, especially without getting your own “me time” in return!

Conkergame you can still have a life with children. All you need is a bit of planning and give and take.

Conkergame you can still have a life with children. All you need is a bit of planning and give and take.

This. With bells on.

@Clymene

What a fucking knob jockey. I'd be furious. When you have small children, you don't commit yourself to that amount of free time without discussing it with your partner first. In my experience, running always handily coincides with getting children ready for school or bed. Funny that it's so wildly popular with middle aged men

Wonderful generalisation of middle aged men, it's not ideal but it's also not age related either.

Tell him you want equal time to do your own hobby. Ask him to draw up a schedule that fits everything in.

Thus wot @Rainbowqueeen said.

@fellrunner85

What time did he run the marathon in, *@henryhooversnose*? Pretty amazing not to go for longer than an hour in training (so, what - eight or nine miles max, probably) and get round a full marathon okay.

3:56 was his time . If he did it again he'd put more training in as although not injured he did find it tough towards end . I don't think it would take over our lives though .

‘All you need is a bit of planning and give and take’

Disagree! Time is a key factor and peoples’ situations are very different. A person in a couple with 2/3 DC, full time jobs and no childcare/help from extended family usually has little leisure time. Planning and give and take, for example, don’t change that fact.

Posters here have described getting up early for runs, and going at night, compromising sleep, in order to do their hobby/meet their goal and continue to parent/do domestics/paid work etc.

It seems unlikely that’s what OP’s H has in mind though. Far more likely that by ‘support’ he means that he will ‘train’ (from scratch, since he doesn’t run at present) and fundraise at times of his choosing while OP does more parenting/domestics, to her (and the DCs’) detriment.

That's not too shoddy, @henryhooversnose! Though with the greatest of respect, I wouldn't look to copy that training plan...!

Agree Dozer
I'm lucky that my DH has been very supportive of marathon training but often that has included half marathons or organised training runs for longer distances (which essentially is half of sunday)
It's really not just an hour before or after work a few times a week.

OP if the marathon were still in April, you'd be right to be annoyed. But it's in October next year which means he can train over a much longer period of time and it will be less disruptive.

Also, pps are right, you only need to run three times a week. Once he's done the couch to 5k which will take about 6 weeks, he will need two shorter runs of up to an hour in the week and a longer run on a Sunday (yes that will be 3 hours at worst but only three times, plus the race itself - even if you think you are going to run 5 hours, you don't do more than three in training to avoid injury).

He needs a "get you round" plan with 3 runs a week which gives him time to be at home with the kids (and also reduces the chances of injury through overtraining). It's not as time consuming as you think OP, or won't be, if he doesn't let it. But you have to be firm - a 3 run a week, get you round plan, or he doesn't do it.

Oh and he doesn't use you to do fundraising - that's for him to find time to do, too (in fact that can be the most time-consuming bit - I would never take a charity place for this reason, unless your income is such that he can make a big donation!)

A person in a couple with 2/3 DC, full time jobs and no childcare/help from extended family usually has little leisure time. Planning and give and take, for example, don’t change that fact

But that's exactly what the getting up early, incorporating runs into lunchtimes/commutes etc is all about - creating leisure time where you don't have any.
We have two young DC, two full time jobs and two postgrads going on in this house, plus volunteering. No help from extended family. But marathon training is possible with early starts, a lot of motivation, and willingness to abandon the nice stuff (I'm way behind on anything decent on Netflix).

That's absolutely what the OP's DH needs to do here. The OP can't let him check out of family life to train.
This might mean driving his car/taking the train halfway to work and running the rest (not easy when carrying clothes, but planning ahead is the key). It will mean sacrificing social time with friends, and it will definitely mean 5am get ups followed by a full day of house renovation and childcare. It's hard - but that's what he's signed up for!

I’m a runner and one day would love to do the London Marathon but having done training in the past for half marathons, and now having young kids, I know it’s just too difficult for the next few years, and I only work part time.

I have a friend that does it most years though and she does most of the running at 5am plus running home from work several times a week.

If he’s not a regular runner then he hasn’t thought this through. And there is the fundraising as well. Sit him down with a training plan (you can find them online easily) and try and get him to formulate a plan as to when he’s going to do it and how he’s going to fundraise. And then try and work out when you’re going to have equal time to yourself too over the next few months.

Suspect he will either rethink or realise it’s untenable quite soon. But if he does manage without too much detriment to family life and your relationship it would be an amazing achievement.

Whilst I think a marathon is a bit much, I do think your being a bit unreasonable.
We have had a very stressful 11 yr, running a business with husband that eats in to family time, illness, bereavements etc. However me being able to fit in running 2/3 times a week and my OH managing 2 round s of golf means that we both get time to switch off, unwind, run off the stress etc. The times when the runs and golf have stopped the stress and strain increased.
Hectic family life or not, we all need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of other stuff, give ourselves some head space.
Marathon training may be taking it a bit far, but if your life is that hectic, may be its less about the marathon and more about just needing a little switch off time, may be you need something too it, honestly it can make a huge difference as to how you can manage stress.
I've done housework/work at really odd times to allow this to happen and its worth it.

It's not OPs job to research and advise her DH on what running plan he should follow. From the sounds of it, he's unlikely to do this work himself.
I'd just put down boundaries- happy for you to be out of the house before 8am or after 8pm or whatever that might be and he can do his own marathon research.

I’m with you OP. This echoes a conversation I had with a friend last week - about another friend’s husband and how he seems to get a lot of time for himself (in peak physical condition) and how she doesn’t seem to get time that isn’t family oriented. And I think that’s true for a lot of women, we are not good at prioritising and asking for the time we need for ourselves and get ground down by daily life. Men seem to have an easier time making decisions that are good for them and less good for the family. Not all women, not every man, but definitely some families.