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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
MrsShelton · 06/12/2020 08:54

I’ve run London marathon twice now

Underestimated how it would take over my life! Bloody worth it though

The fundraising would bother me massively though. Has he got all the gear? Can be £££

Newgirls · 06/12/2020 08:57

He should have asked you and suggested how to make sure you get time to you / together.

He didn’t. He’s being selfish. Big gesture projects like this seem to be a way of saying (to himself I guess) I’m an amazing guy wow so fit, I can achieve this amazing thing. He clearly doesn’t see family life as exciting.

gannett · 06/12/2020 09:09

Reading this sad thread I'm just glad that DP and myself have the kind of relationship where we support each other when we want to set out to achieve something that would be a big deal, and proud of each other when we accomplish these things. If he told me the London Marathon was a goal my immediate, instinctive reaction would be "wow, that's amazing". If I told him I was entering it I'd be very hurt if he reacted negatively. And THEN of course there would be a conversation about how to fit it around family life but it wouldn't come from a place of negativity or anger!

MN's attitude to hobbies is really perplexing. Hobbies are positive things that enhance all of our enjoyment of life. I'm happy when I do mine and happy to see DP enjoying his, and happy when we share them too. It's really important not to sacrifice them.

But then reading some of the comments that suggest that the OP's equivalent should be to sit and eat cake in a cafe or car park (!) - if you can't think of anything more interesting you'd rather do with your time then I guess those who can might seem alien to you.

Dozer · 06/12/2020 09:10

fellrunner85 It CAN be done, sure, and your family has agreed how, for you as a couple. But based on the info OP has provided it seems doubtful that OP’s H will take a similar approach, or react well to OP seeking to set (reasonable) boundaries.

Dozer · 06/12/2020 09:14

gannett: do you, like OP, have 3 small DC, WoH and recently completed a home renovation that your H wanted to do and you didn’t?

gannett · 06/12/2020 09:18

@Dozer

gannett: do you, like OP, have 3 small DC, WoH and recently completed a home renovation that your H wanted to do and you didn’t?
To be fair my attitude is the exact reason why we stopped at 1 DC and why I refuse to countenance any bloody tedious home renovation projects.
Fizbosshoes · 06/12/2020 09:22

Reading this sad thread I'm just glad that DP and myself have the kind of relationship where we support each other when we want to set out to achieve something that would be a big deal, and proud of each other when we accomplish these things. If he told me the London Marathon was a goal my immediate, instinctive reaction would be "wow, that's amazing". If I told him I was entering it I'd be very hurt if he reacted negatively. And THEN of course there would be a conversation about how to fit it around family life but it wouldn't come from a place of negativity or anger!

I think this only works if both parties have a hobby that they feel they can pursue in an equal way.
Often on MN (and I've seen in RL) a DH hobby seems to take up far more time than his partner, and encroaches on family time (or is an excuse to check out of childcare etc)
I know couples where they take it in turns to take on a massive sports challenge (marathons, ultra marathons, ironmans, long distance sailing events etc) the husband has priority one year, the wife the next.

123sunshine · 06/12/2020 09:29

You have my sympathies. My ex husband ran 2 London marathons when my children were small, in addition he worked long hours with a long commute all week. I picked up the slack and it totally impacted on family time. The first marathon I was supportive but the second one tipped me over the edge. Sadly our marriage ended the same year of his last marathon. The marathon running wasn’t the real reason, but we had grown apart and he’d checked out of family life and our marriage. I was deeply resentful that I had no time to peruse things I wanted to do.

rookiemere · 06/12/2020 10:14

Had the DH said he was signing up for a 5km or 10km - both achievable distances requiring a reasonable amount of training for a non runner - then I'm sure OP would have been supportive. Even a half marathon can be accommodated reasonably easily into a full timetable. But a marathon dictates a certain amount of self prioritisation to get in the necessary running under your belt.

Duanphen · 06/12/2020 10:25

If he isn't a runner he isn't going to train and he probably won't even go. Just say 'that's nice, dear' and ignore it.

If you begins some sort of weekly training regimen, you should also get the same time 'off' the household duties.

5amisnotmorning · 06/12/2020 10:29

So I would say, actually I have given it some thought and it is a good idea. I am going to do it too. Here's my training schedule of when you will need to have the kids and what tasks you need to cover then. Let me know when you have your schedule. And then go out and enjoy the running! He will soon realise it is unrealistic.

Heyahun · 06/12/2020 10:32

So weird that so many people can’t handle someone wanting to try and achieve something a people saying things like husbands can only have a hobby if the wife has one too for fairness - fucking hell?

Sounds like loads of marriages are prison Sentences!
Yes maybe he should have started with a more realistic goal like a half marathon or some kind of fun run a but he’s joined this now and wants to train for it and should be allowed to! Realistically he might not manage it anyway it’s probably too big a goal for his first time running - but I really wouldn’t ruin it for him

Surely it was a joint decision to have 3 kids? So using them as an excuse for him to not be allowed do something is unfair

In a marriage you should both still get to do things you want / enjoy separate and you tag team the childcare

It’s not the husbands fault that his wife has no hobbies - maybe get one and you can both spend equal amounts of time out of the house while the other is with the kids

christinarossetti19 · 06/12/2020 11:42

OP hasn't posted since Friday evening, although her thread has clearly struck a chord with many!

Hope that you're okay Christmaspanic24 and that common sense has prevailed in your household.

littleharissa · 06/12/2020 13:37

@Heyahun

So weird that so many people can’t handle someone wanting to try and achieve something a people saying things like husbands can only have a hobby if the wife has one too for fairness - fucking hell?

Sounds like loads of marriages are prison Sentences!
Yes maybe he should have started with a more realistic goal like a half marathon or some kind of fun run a but he’s joined this now and wants to train for it and should be allowed to! Realistically he might not manage it anyway it’s probably too big a goal for his first time running - but I really wouldn’t ruin it for him

Surely it was a joint decision to have 3 kids? So using them as an excuse for him to not be allowed do something is unfair

In a marriage you should both still get to do things you want / enjoy separate and you tag team the childcare

It’s not the husbands fault that his wife has no hobbies - maybe get one and you can both spend equal amounts of time out of the house while the other is with the kids

Wholeheartedly agree!
LolaSmiles · 06/12/2020 13:47

So weird that so many people can’t handle someone wanting to try and achieve something a people saying things like husbands can only have a hobby if the wife has one too for fairness - fucking hell?

Do you find it a difficult concept that in an equitable relationship both people get their own downtime?

In a marriage you should both still get to do things you want / enjoy separate and you tag team the childcare
True, but if you've both decided to have 3 children, both work full time and have house renovations taking job time then there's less free time available.

What free time is available should be split fairly.

It’s not the husbands fault that his wife has no hobbies - maybe get one and you can both spend equal amounts of time out of the house while the other is with the kids
There are many threads where I would agree (especially on threads where the wife is moaning that she wants her husband to potter around the house with her and is moaning that he wants to exercise for an hour or two at a weekend). But this isn't one of those threads.

What's funny here is that you start off saying 'fucking hell' at the idea of both people having time for hobbies like it's hugely unreasonable to want an equitable relationship, but at the end you're saying both should get hobbies and have an equal time away from the kids.

It sounds like you're just looking to stick the boot in.

I enjoy running and cycling, and do both around family life, but there's no doubt in my mind that a non-runner husband who has 3 children, a full time job, and house renovations on the go deciding to sign up for a marathon is probably trying to opt out of family life. This is emphasised further when his wife expresses reservations based on their current circumstances and he books the marathon anyway.

If he just wanted to run then he could do what almost everyone in my running club does: start training, build the distances up, and book events that are appropriate to fitness levels and family commitments.

snowone · 06/12/2020 14:11

As someone who has been through this twice I can tell you that YANBU. Marathon training takes over everything.....food, drink, weekend plans, long runs, short runs, meals out etc etc etc.

Hopefully he won't get a place - and maybe something he can do in a couple of years when the kids are older and you are more sorted!

LolaSmiles · 06/12/2020 14:22

snowone
He went and got a charity place so in addition to training he will have to fundraise probably a minimum of £500, with some charities having minimum fundraising amounts of over £1000.

When I looked at a charity London Marathon place there was a number of charities who expected the runner to guarantee £1000 and any shortfall from fundraising had to be paid by the runner themselves. Needless to say I decided that I'd never run the London Marathon in a charity place for that reason. There's plenty of much nicer marathons that aren't a crowded charity cash cow.

islockdownoveryet · 06/12/2020 14:25

@Duanphen

If he isn't a runner he isn't going to train and he probably won't even go. Just say 'that's nice, dear' and ignore it.

If you begins some sort of weekly training regimen, you should also get the same time 'off' the household duties.

Yeah I agree , as a runner myself but not long distances like a marathon I know how much commitment you need . I only was able to run more this year due to lockdown. He will not put the training in so I think you have nothing to worry about . Saying that it sounds like some sort of thing he'd like to do perhaps try and encourage him for a later time like when the kids are older .
AuntieStella · 06/12/2020 15:48

He went and got a charity place so in addition to training he will have to fundraise probably a minimum of £500, with some charities having minimum fundraising amounts of over £1000

Not many charities are selling their places at the moment. Of those I found online who are, the minimum fundraising figure was £1800 (one charity), a couple at £2k and all the rest £2.5k. Some last year were at £3k. Unless it's a charity you really believe in, are happy to put in the effort, and ideally have an obvious connection to (so your friends/family get why you're doing it and are happy to chip in; then it can be quite a burden.

(£350-£500 is the going rate for a half marathon)

fellrunner85 · 06/12/2020 16:13

As someone who has been through this twice I can tell you that YANBU. Marathon training takes over everything.....food, drink, weekend plans, long runs, short runs, meals out etc etc etc

This is not the norm. I've run marathons every year for the past 10 years, as have most of my running club mates, and this has never happened to anyone I know. Apart from the drink bit perhaps - most proper runners tend to give up booze in training, or at least cut down a lot. (But surely this is a good thing)

fellrunner85 · 06/12/2020 16:25

But..giving this a bit more thought.. I can see that marathon training might change everything if you lead a very sedentary lifestyle and don't get out much. If you're already reasonably fit, it really is just a case of extending the amount of exercise you already do (by going a bit earlier, adding an extra session in or whatever), eating more healthily and drinking less booze.
I can see that if your diet is bad and you don't exercise, the change will feel more drastic.

Fizbosshoes · 06/12/2020 18:27

@Heyahun

So weird that so many people can’t handle someone wanting to try and achieve something a people saying things like husbands can only have a hobby if the wife has one too for fairness - fucking hell?

Sounds like loads of marriages are prison Sentences!
Yes maybe he should have started with a more realistic goal like a half marathon or some kind of fun run a but he’s joined this now and wants to train for it and should be allowed to! Realistically he might not manage it anyway it’s probably too big a goal for his first time running - but I really wouldn’t ruin it for him

Surely it was a joint decision to have 3 kids? So using them as an excuse for him to not be allowed do something is unfair

In a marriage you should both still get to do things you want / enjoy separate and you tag team the childcare

It’s not the husbands fault that his wife has no hobbies - maybe get one and you can both spend equal amounts of time out of the house while the other is with the kids

So i said it was fair if both partners had equal hobbies. I didn't mean if the husband goes out for a run, OP should wait with a stopwatch and say, for example "you owe me 1 hr 17 min of free time/hobby time" the moment he comes in, but if both of them are working long hours and have limited free time, then I can see how it could cause resentment if the DH was out for 2-3 hours at a time, (and more childcare or chores fell to the OP) most weekends. My DH sometimes moots the idea of running a marathon. He runs once or twice a week but its not his preferred sport. (hes run more this year as most team or club sports have been restricted) I would support him, although I would always suggest doing a 10k or half marathon first.
sirfredfredgeorge · 06/12/2020 18:45

I can see that marathon training might change everything if you lead a very sedentary lifestyle and don't get out much

But if that's the case it's even more important that you find a way of introducing exercise into your life.

If you're an adult doing the minimum 2 1/2 hours a week of exercise as government guidelines say (and covid has certainly taught us that government guidelines are sacred), swapping that to running from whatever you were doing before and then adding a little extra doesn't take much time at all from the family.

I'd say if it's a life changing effort to do a marathon, then you need to do that life changing for health reasons.

LolaSmiles · 06/12/2020 19:01

fellrunner85
I was about to reply saying that it probably isn't huge for you because you already run regularly, whereas it would change everything if you were a non runner, but then saw you follow on post. Smile

I only run half marathons and could quite happily do that with minimal training, but a marathon would be reasonable increase to my training. I wouldn't entertain doing a marathon at the moment with young DC at home and a busy home life. DH would probably support me if I wanted to because it's a short to medium term goal and I'm already reasonably fit. He would be less supportive if I'done what OP's husband has.

Then again I dont understand why people with poor fitness and diets enter for the big marathons and half marathons. Based on the half ones I've done it usually means I end up in a pen further back because I've entered my actual estimated time only to spend half the course dodging people walking and chatting who (based on their number colour for those who wonder how I know) have clearly never ran much, didn't train much but put down a ridiculously fast estimated time.

Circumlocutious · 06/12/2020 19:05

Going from running once a month to planning a marathon kit demonstrates his cluelessness about the whole process. That’s really not how it works. He’ll disengage from the process soon enough.